Non-Romantic Gay Relationships...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2007 4:44 AM GMT
    I have a question. I have a friend who I love a lot, hes funny, smart and I guess kinda cute (he's in a picture in my profile).

    we're really good friends...or so I thought. We have no romantic feelings for each other what so ever (or even sexual). We have a lot in common except he's very closed off, I'm very open and sensitive.

    This seems to cause us to fight A LOT, I feel like I value our friendship much more than he does. So here is my question, it's best to take toxic people out of your life, but what if that person is 'toxic' but not a bad guy?

    I am really struggling with this because we just fight SO much and then make up and yada im trying to reinvent myself and just make my life more full so that means getting rid of the bad. But he isnt awful, our energies just dont seem to mesh. But im also scared because im the kind of person who can let something go and never look back, regardless what it is...Im not sure why but i've always been that way.

    has anyone been in this kind of situation
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2007 6:22 AM GMT
    You indicate that this guy is "toxic" but not a bad guy. I know for myself I have grown and learned the most about myself from the people that irritate me the most. We can't change others, but we can change our attitudes and perseptions of others. Friendships are the most important thing in my life and unfortunately they usually take a lot of work on my part. I urge you to look at what you can change about yourself to better this relationship. I bet he values the relationship as much as you do. Good Luck.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 02, 2007 2:54 PM GMT
    Do you think that the cause of your frustration with him is that he isn't meeting your expectation of how he should be with you?

    Some people just aren't as open. If you get mad at him for not sharing with you the way you do with him, that's really not fair.

    I'd say accept him for who he is and don't pressure him to be someone he's not.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Sep 02, 2007 3:29 PM GMT
    Try a little harder with him. In your profile you say "difficult" in ABOUT ME. Maybe you are just being difficult :)

    Are you sure he has no romantic or sexual feelings for you? You say he is very closed off, so maybe he is hiding his feelings for you and that is causing the fights.

    Try different ways to get him to open up to you. Respect each others differences. Don't give up on your friendship.

    Good luck. Hope everything works out for you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2007 3:59 PM GMT
    " he is toxic, but not a bad guy', you 'value our friendship much more than he does'...

    Why do I think it might not be a stretch to think that when the two of you 'fight A LOT'; just maybe you are always the one to initiate making up?

    Being scared is not a good reason to hold on to something bad.

    Some shit happened when I was growing up - whatever - the result is that I will do almost anything - ANYTHING - to avoid confrontation; and go to extreme lengths to patch things up with people. Even people I shouldn't be reconciling things with. I go to absolutely ridiculous lengths to try to take care of other people, to try to defend them, to try to protect them. I would try to make everyone happy, and try to make friendships where the other person had no real interest in being friends.

    It took a long while to realise that behaviour like that was great for other people - but maybe not so great for me personally. It takes two to want to make and keep a friendship.

    There are lots of nice people out there whom we have nothing in common with; that doesn't mean we have to invest ourselves in them.

    There is nothing wrong with letting go and not looking back some times - it allows us to move on and put our energy to better use where it will be appreciated; where we will be appreciated.


  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Sep 02, 2007 6:42 PM GMT
    I feel you on this one. I actually believe my best friend from Alabama is in love with me. We've never been involved sexually and I personally never see us heading in that direction. Talk about "Toxic"... he considers us "sisters" so to speak... I know... I have nothing against that, but I'm definitely the butch sister if that's the The problem is not that I'm full of confidence, but the fact he isn't. I'm the one that's out going and willing to meet people, but I have to sorta help him along. He would get angry (and I believe jealous), but would always play it off as something else while drinking heavily. Some guys would be talking with him online and they would ask about me... that was cause for him to slam out of the conversation even if he knew I might have been interested. I had to help him ease into his homosexuality as well. He was always private, never telling his family anything. I'm like, why lie? They don't have to know every stop you make while in Birmingham. Do you tell them everytime you go pee or what..? lol Needless to say, it got bad there for a while and we didn't talk for a year... but things eventually settled and have been great ever since. The sad part is now.... he had gastric bypass surgery well before I ever moved to Georgia and now he's back to where I am at the moment in his weight and clothes. It's sad....... I've tried talking him into doing what I have been doing over the last year and supporting him from miles away, but it's not helping. I hope things look up for you and your friend.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2007 6:51 PM GMT
    I think sometimes the best thing is to let go, you can only really fight so many battles.

    Thanks you guys for sharing your experience and advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2007 8:15 PM GMT
    well id say I've removed all the toxcity out of my life but I can understand. Sometimes you just have to be understanding and when its starts to build just give him that space. Maybe he has his reasons who knows. As someone said it best, time tells all truth.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2007 8:17 PM GMT
    Based on the picture in your profile, he looks like he's REALLY cute. And I love dating completely toxic people... hook me up! LOL

    Seriously, though: My best friend Brett and I fight all the time, and make up all the time. We have a lot of similarities, and a lot of differences -- and have room for both because we know eachother so well. But I think in a lot of ways we're good for eachother... we "complement" eachother, and often provide a perspective that we wouldn't get if we only kept people who were ONLY similar to ourselves in our lives.
  • denverdev

    Posts: 82

    Sep 02, 2007 8:20 PM GMT
    I don't see what makes this guy toxic. Is it that you two fight? That's part of a good number of relationships. Hell, where do you think the term "sibling rivalry" came from?

    It's really up to you what you want to do about this guy. Most friendships have a natural way of persevering through even the biggest fights, but only if at least one of the people involved will make an effort to remain positive. If you feel like it's just too hard to stay friends, then do what you gotta do.
  • denverdev

    Posts: 82

    Sep 02, 2007 8:22 PM GMT
    Of course, there is the irony in being part of a community that constantly strives to challenge themselves physically and then giving up on a relationship because it's too hard, but whatevs :-P
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2007 8:33 PM GMT
    to any and all you can have him lol...everyone seems to think he's 'so hot'. I dont see it but thats because we're friends. It's not so much we fight it's I am pretty sure I value our friendship much more than he does. Through some of his words and actions (or lack of them) he's proven it to me time and time again.

    I think im just trying to hold onto something that isnt really there in the first place
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 03, 2007 5:26 AM GMT
    I agree with others that he maybe was not able to "compartmentalize" an erotic attraction towards you. That would really complicate things for him, and make him miserable, possibly explaning why he is striking out.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Sep 03, 2007 10:33 AM GMT've got two choices here
    you can either not see him anymore and tell him the exact same reason you've told us or not say anything
    get to the bottom of why you're calling him "toxic" because I'd bet that he's not toxic with everybody - just with you
    the dynamic of you two turns into turmoil
    you're going to need to look at him and you from a different perspective
    when he pushes your buttons...take a step back
    and see if you can head a confrontation off at the pass
    if you value him as your best friend it's worth a shot
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Sep 04, 2007 8:33 AM GMT
    Some really great posts above on this issue.

    My best mate sounds just like this guy. Very emotionally unconnected and infuriating to someone like me, who likes to get things out in the open. We have bickered constantly for 18 years or so, made up, fought etc. I wouldn't be without him because he challenges me and my often childishness.

    You call this friendship 'toxic' - what does that mean? It's a buzzword for people who don't behave how you'd like, or cause problems. You can't control people and like one poster above said, often the most irritating people are the best to have around. It would be boring otherwise.

    Maybe you should chillout about this issue and just get on with life. You might find that this friendship will either drift away or finally settle into something great.

    Goodluck. Lozx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 04, 2007 5:41 PM GMT
    If you value his friendship, communicate with him. Tell him that you don't like it when you guys fight. Tell him how you'd prefer to communicate when you disagree.

    If he's your friend, he'll undertsand and try to make it work. Since he's your friend, you should give him the opportunity to change.

    Good luck. - Jorel