BIG Problem! Guy in need of advise.

  • andyb91

    Posts: 173

    Mar 06, 2013 1:29 AM GMT
    Ok so I have this erm lets call him an interesting friend... in work who has just found out that I'm bi. Now I didn't want this to really happen because he's gay and quoting from a mutual female friend "he thinks your really hot!". Now as with most of theses' cases I'm not attracted to him one bit. But I suck at letting people down! I always feel so bad after it.

    I think this will be imported to.
    Before he found out, he would always flirt with me saying stuff like if only you played the other side, always inviting me to everything he does and getting upset if I cant make it. And also getting very jealous if anyone else "male or Female" tries to hit on me if were out or in work.

    Would really love some advise on how I should go about this, because I want to stay friends but the flirting was already bothering me and now he knows its just going to get worse.

    Please help

    Thanks
    Andrew
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 6:50 AM GMT
    Instead of breaking the truth directly that you're not attracted to him, you can tell him that he's a good looking guy but not what you're interested in. Or just tell him you're not looking for a relationship right now and want to do your own thing. Either, way I don't think he will stop the flirting until you tell him directly to calm it down.
  • pharmstudent

    Posts: 162

    Mar 06, 2013 7:31 AM GMT
    Dude whatever happened to being honest? The next time your friend makes a move on you. Sit him down (important) and tell him you love his friendship in every way but you are not attracted to him (probably due to his appearance).

    You know it is quite possible that he has no idea that you're not into him! Which happens when you're only thinking about your satisfaction. Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love our friendship, but i'm not attracted to you as physically or emotional as I would like to be.."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 7:37 AM GMT
    Say "no thanks" enough times and hopefully he will get the hint. Or tell him "When I have found my type. I'll let you know." then laugh it off. But if he is just too overbearing you may just have to suck it up and tell him, "I like you as a friend, but I'm not atteacted to you."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 7:40 AM GMT
    just tell he is not your type, and then explain what is your type, he will compare and get the message .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 7:47 AM GMT
    I think it'd be rude to tell someone "you're not my type" in person, unless you saying in a nicer way, I guess.

    Like ruehl said, I'd probably say "I'm not looking for a relationship right now". That should slow him down a little bit, then y'all will get to know each other better then hopefully he'll see on his own that he isn't your type.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Mar 06, 2013 8:37 AM GMT
    If the roles were reversed, I would say, "Andrew. You're a lot of fun and it's great hanging out, but your flirting is getting out of hand and I'm starting to get uncomfortable. Could you tone it down?"
    If that weren't enough, I'd say, "I get where you stand. You've made your intentions clear. If I felt the same way, I would've already jumped your bones, but I don't, so let's cool it down, okay?"
    And if you launched into some version of the 'why don't you like me?' 'why aren't you into me' 'what's wrong with me?' song, I'd say,
    "I don't know. I don't pick and choose who I'm going to be attracted to. It either happens or it doesn't. If you want to be friends, then I'm here, but if you want something more, you need to start looking elsewhere."
    Then I'd give it a couple of weeks to a month (depending on how often we see each other). During that time, I'd try not to overreact to any vestigial flirting, but if he kept it up, I'd put my foot down. And if he sulked at any attention I got from others, I'd definitely put the kibosh on that behavior.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 8:42 AM GMT
    he sounds annoying , loose him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 9:04 AM GMT
    Slim2010 saidI think it'd be rude to tell someone "you're not my type" in person, unless you saying in a nicer way, I guess.

    Like ruehl said, I'd probably say "I'm not looking for a relationship right now". That should slow him down a little bit, then y'all will get to know each other better then hopefully he'll see on his own that he isn't your type.


    Nah this doesnt work, You would just be stringing him along in the hope that he looses interest. What happen if he doesnt? Its not rude to tell someone that your not into them, it cuts out a lot of crap and potential problems in the future.
    Be honest and upfront, lets face it its what we all want
    You dont have to be rude just firm
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Mar 06, 2013 10:20 AM GMT
    drypin saidIf the roles were reversed, I would say, "Andrew. You're a lot of fun and it's great hanging out, but your flirting is getting out of hand and I'm starting to get uncomfortable. Could you tone it down?"
    If that weren't enough, I'd say, "I get where you stand. You've made your intentions clear. If I felt the same way, I would've already jumped your bones, but I don't, so let's cool it down, okay?"
    And if you launched into some version of the 'why don't you like me?' 'why aren't you into me' 'what's wrong with me?' song, I'd say,
    "I don't know. I don't pick and choose who I'm going to be attracted to. It either happens or it doesn't. If you want to be friends, then I'm here, but if you want something more, you need to start looking elsewhere."
    Then I'd give it a couple of weeks to a month (depending on how often we see each other). During that time, I'd try not to overreact to any vestigial flirting, but if he kept it up, I'd put my foot down. And if he sulked at any attention I got from others, I'd definitely put the kibosh on that behavior.


    I like this....A LOT. It assumes the obvious without actually coming out and saying it at first...or getting into the why, which is none of his business and would likely hurt his feelings.

    But, to the OP, it's not unheard of to develop an attraction to someone after getting to know them, when there was zero or less than zero attraction at first.
    This happened to me once. After a year of friendship, knowing his affection for me, even while I was dating others, I suddenly realized he was everything I was looking for in a mate, except for the physical attraction. Once I wrapped my head around that concept for a while, I grew to love him and them fell in love with him in every way. It ended for various reasons, as most do at some point, but looking back, I realize those years with him were the happiest of my entire life. (Chris I hope you're not reading this. I love you too babe.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 10:43 AM GMT
    yiboz said
    Slim2010 saidI think it'd be rude to tell someone "you're not my type" in person, unless you saying in a nicer way, I guess.

    Like ruehl said, I'd probably say "I'm not looking for a relationship right now". That should slow him down a little bit, then y'all will get to know each other better then hopefully he'll see on his own that he isn't your type.


    Nah this doesnt work, You would just be stringing him along in the hope that he looses interest. What happen if he doesnt? Its not rude to tell someone that your not into them, it cuts out a lot of crap and potential problems in the future.
    Be honest and upfront, lets face it its what we all want
    You dont have to be rude just firm


    I agree. Telling someone you're not looking for a relationship now, gives them hope you will be in the future.

    You must be hones with him and tell him you are not interested in a sexual relationship and are uncomfortable with his flirting.

    Otherwise, he is going to "read" into everything else you say as if he still has a chance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 11:15 AM GMT
    Being honest is important, but that doesn't mean you have to be mean or brutal about it. 'I'm not interested in you' can hurt someone who is too sensitive, or who has overcome lots of insecurities and fears to get himself to flirt with you.

    Saying 'I'm not looking for anything/anyone at this time' is not only too much sugar coating, but it's probably not true. Why say that, then? It can lead to him trying some more to see if next week, or next month will be that time.

    As humorous as 'when I find my type I'll let you know' sounds I wouldn't go for that one. Again, if he is as insisting as you portray him, he could/would continue to woo you to see if he ends up being your type. And please, if you use humor never end it with 'Im kidding, I'm kidding' or you just shot yourself in the foot.


    'You're not my type' is not saying he's unattractive, just that HE is not what YOU are looking for.

    I would go for that one, it's honest without being brutal, and to the point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 11:32 AM GMT
    Maybe he might end up being a fantastic friend??
    ..What makes you think he can't handle rejection??

    Time to pull him over and have a nice chat..!!

    ..Handle with care

    Good luck. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 12:03 PM GMT
    Wow....everyone is so worried about hurting this guy's feelings. Look, he's been more than forward to you in some of the things he's said in the past.
    Just say you appreciate the compliment, but he's not your type. If he asks what is, tell him.
    I would prefer to know the truth. Know one says you have to be mean or sarcastic. Just be truthful. If he gets hurt, then it's on him.
    If you both want to just be friends, that's up to you too. Always control the situation.
    If he doesn't react well, then just walk to the curb and scrape him off your shoe, and be done with him.

    Tristan
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 1:50 PM GMT
    I'm flattered by your interest but to be honest, I don't feel the same way.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Mar 06, 2013 4:30 PM GMT
    ^ ^ ^ this!


    Or just say NOT INTERESTED.

    (BTW, I'd hit on you, for sure!)
  • andyb91

    Posts: 173

    Mar 15, 2013 8:31 PM GMT
    Thank you all for the advise, it given me a lot to use because like I said I'm bad with theses things. I think it's because I don't like upsetting people and I know it doesn't take a lot to set him of. But the flirting was to much to let it slid. I ended up saying "ok mate I think that's a little to far to say to just a friend, I enjoy your company and don't like the idea of losing you as a friend but mate the flirting is to much, I'm sorry, but your not my type" after this he ran out the room and didn't talk to me until later when he rang me saying he was sorry for how he acted and wanted to say my friend and that he would stop the flirting. And he has! And it's not like it's he's forcing himself to either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2013 12:07 AM GMT
    Yea guys like him, have a vision tunnel and wont see anything else other then what he is interested in. You might want to break it to him gently, lets call it tough love. But it kinda has to be done if you want it to stop.

    good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2013 12:17 AM GMT
    Seric saidYea guys like him, have a vision tunnel and wont see anything else other then what he is interested in.


    Just curious..How did you get all this from the opening post??
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 16, 2013 12:22 AM GMT
    Bodycontactau saidI'm flattered by your interest but to be honest, I don't feel the same way.


    This is a good rejection because it allows him his dignity but does not encourage him. Saying something like, "You're not my type." and walking away with a twist of the head would be very hurtful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2013 12:32 AM GMT
    Anocxu said
    Seric saidYea guys like him, have a vision tunnel and wont see anything else other then what he is interested in.


    Just curious..How did you get all this from the opening post??


    Well, can't really deny it, I've had similar experiences as the OP, if not all that approached me in a similar manner such as the guy the OP speaks of. When one finds stuff about you, and uses friends or other resources to get your attention, with the constant flirtation can be a bit overbearing, and just as the OP I would never want to be the cause of someone's heartache. So I guess I was speaking in terms of experience then anything else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2013 12:39 AM GMT
    i_VAN saidhe sounds annoying , LOSE him.


    There ya go icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2013 12:41 AM GMT
    musclefetish1 saidWow....everyone is so worried about hurting this guy's feelings. Look, he's been more than forward to you in some of the things he's said in the past.
    Just say you appreciate the compliment, but he's not your type. If he asks what is, tell him.
    I would prefer to know the truth. Know one says you have to be mean or sarcastic. Just be truthful. If he gets hurt, then it's on him.
    If you both want to just be friends, that's up to you too. Always control the situation.
    If he doesn't react well, then just walk to the curb and scrape him off your shoe, and be done with him.

    Tristan


    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2013 12:52 AM GMT
    andyb91 saidThank you all for the advise, it given me a lot to use because like I said I'm bad with theses things. I think it's because I don't like upsetting people and I know it doesn't take a lot to set him of. But the flirting was to much to let it slid. I ended up saying "ok mate I think that's a little to far to say to just a friend, I enjoy your company and don't like the idea of losing you as a friend but mate the flirting is to much, I'm sorry, but your not my type" after this he ran out the room and didn't talk to me until later when he rang me saying he was sorry for how he acted and wanted to say my friend and that he would stop the flirting. And he has! And it's not like it's he's forcing himself to either.


    Be careful. It's a trap! Keep an eye out for being guilted into mercy fucking him.

    Guys will do that. We don't just do this to women. We do it to each other as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2013 5:21 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    andyb91 saidThank you all for the advise, it given me a lot to use because like I said I'm bad with theses things. I think it's because I don't like upsetting people and I know it doesn't take a lot to set him of. But the flirting was to much to let it slid. I ended up saying "ok mate I think that's a little to far to say to just a friend, I enjoy your company and don't like the idea of losing you as a friend but mate the flirting is to much, I'm sorry, but your not my type" after this he ran out the room and didn't talk to me until later when he rang me saying he was sorry for how he acted and wanted to say my friend and that he would stop the flirting. And he has! And it's not like it's he's forcing himself to either.


    Be careful. It's a trap! Keep an eye out for being guilted into mercy fucking him.

    Guys will do that. We don't just do this to women. We do it to each other as well.


    Talking about stereotyping. Not every guy is like you icon_rolleyes.gif