Internet porn addiction among gay men


  • Mar 06, 2013 6:23 PM GMT
    This is something I've been researching for a while, but have been looking for a loose discussion on this forum. What I have found from small samples of participants is a sharp increase in online porn addiction within the gay community, often as a result of not being able to find a real-life relationship with another gay man (most likely), or having expectations/demands that are not realistic when considering the small percentage of men there are to choose from in the gay world. Also, what I have found is this (tell me if you've seen the same)...

    Among younger gay men, there is a unique new problem: not coming out at all. Today it's very easy to hang out on gay chatrooms online or through apps on your smartphone and live a fantasy life where you look the way you've always wanted, the men you seek are exactly what you've dreamt of, and since you have no intentions of ever going out in real life to meet anyone, you don't have to experience rejection. This rejection is often what stings most gay men badly enough to either isolate from other gay men completely, or never try to look for a relationship again. But in younger gay men who don't know of a time before the internet, I am curious as to how they will develop socially if they are without the real-life people skills required in a successful coming out/interacting with other gay men. I have found a very high number of gay men who are isolated today who weren't ten years ago; these same men use online porn, alcohol and prescription drugs to 'check out' of reality for a while. To me this is ironic because as we claim to be this 'all for one and one for all' community during pride, so many of us are isolating at home, speaking to no gay people, and there is little to no trust amongst the community. We don't seem to like each other, we don't seem to be sexually interested in each other, and we seem to want what we can't have: that image of a not-gay, young, athletic guy who is masculine and on top. When 80% of the gay community seems to want this, it's no surprise that there isn't much out there in terms of relationships.

    I think porn is a great outlet, but like alcohol it has to be enjoyed responsibly, the two most frequent statements I'm seeing among 'porn addicts' are either: 1) any guy I meet has to look like this (porn star) or better, or 2) I'll never look like these guys in these films so I'm not going to even bother coming out in real life.

    I think what's happened is the lines that used to be pretty clearly drawn, between fantasy (the guys we wish to god were gay but aren't) and reality (the same 12-18 local gay guys who've been around forever and the only thing you share in common with them is the fact that you're all gay) have somehow become blurred into this thinking of 'well, if all these guys who look like this are in gay porn, then there must be some around here who look like that'; only to go to events, meet guys, attend pride, and wind up devastated because nearly everyone is about 20 years older and 100 pounds fatter than those in the films. Because the gay world is still largely anonymous and unseen, we imagine our fantasies must be 'somewhere', but when this doesn't appear to be the case, we don't have the skill set to know what to do next. We end up resenting each other for not looking like these models who, for one, aren't gay in the first place, and also, none of this teaching us anything about relationships (if that is what we want), or how to interact with real-life gay men. Online, you get off and shut your computer off. In real life, most of us don't know what we're doing because we were never taught to respect other men (the way that *most* straight boys are brought up to respect women) and we end up usually pissing each other off or coming across as incredibly rude and arrogant.

    So what's your experience been when it comes to the accessibility of online porn, as far as a substitute for 'hooking up' or a replacement for the disappointments of the selection of gay men in your area? I'd be curious to read what you guys have to say. Thanks!
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Mar 07, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    It's rampant.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Mar 07, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    i tried gay dating once.

    the guy just made fun of me a lot (I don't mind teasing but it came off as rude at times) and talked about how he wanted to bang the hot straight dude.

    it felt like overly pc and preachy to talk him out of this but i sometimes wondered what he was doing on a date with another gay man if he really wanted the more hot straight boy prep type. actually that was his type anyway he just needed the more gay preppy boy and honestly that's not me at all.

    i'm a loser/nerd/final fantasy lover lol. i have some 'cool things' about me i guess but im not that type of person.

    i guess i understand why it hurts a gay guy's feelings when a gay guy isn't his type; we already have a lower selection to pick from naturally and so when a gay guy doesn't fit up to another gay man's perception of what a 'gay man should be like' there are a lot of hurt feelings involved.

    and well david anthony from titan media and also dean flynn's hot porno body always feels more interesting to me than what i can find 'irl' because yeah it is so idealistic homoerotic. in real life people have a lot more flaws than some fantasy they know you want so you pay $60 a month or whatever for premium service.

    i'm now in love with this guy who says he is straight but will do gay things with me underground so yea im a hypocrite for falling for the cliche. we are very compatible but officially we're 'just friends.'
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    Mar 07, 2013 4:46 AM GMT
    I feel like a lot of the guys on RJ fit that description. I don't really understand how some people think "hanging out" online is the same as actually going out and socializing with someone. I try to go out as much as possible, timing and money permitting. As of late, the money well has been doing well for me so I can go out a lot more, but there were times when I was broke as a joke, thus me coming onto RJ more often than I would like. I've been spending time with my "boytoy", this hot skater dude that looks like a Sean Cody model, so I'm trying to expand my circle of friends here in Miami since i'm still kinda new. But being broke when I first got here it was hard for me to put myself out there.


    But some people literally spend all day on here, I don't know how some people do it....

  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Mar 07, 2013 4:56 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 said

    But some people literally spend all day on here, I don't know how some people do it....



    (Camera pulls back to reveal DiN, yourname2000, RadRTT, ConQuest, Aristoshark, etc)

    hehehehe.

    Yeah, there is a problem with gay porn.. and it's two-fold. First, the expectations that we now have from partners, that they be perfectly chiseled with giant dong cocks and perfect asses. And.. then there's the bareback issue--bareback is hundreds of times hotter than condom porn.. but HIV is making a comeback as a result of many men going condomless in the real world with partners they hardly know.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 07, 2013 5:00 AM GMT
    Most men are addicted to real sex ... not porn icon_twisted.gif

    So why is it so very different for one man to watch porn and jerk off and other to fuck his wife/gf/bf/husband 5 or 6 times a day ... eventually they tire out and cut back .... so why does society make such a big deal of it

    Beating off watching porn doesn't require a condom and you'll never get a disease
    As making you want something more then you can have that is ridiculous ... how about all the hot desirable men and women in ads ... did you ever hear of a pin up calendar

    This is a bunch of crap taken to the extreme by right wing extremist ... don't fall for the bullshit
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    Mar 07, 2013 5:07 AM GMT
    I have never met a true porn addict.

    (is that a sign that someone is a porn addict when someone says that they don't know someone who is a porn addict.)


    on a serious note, I am surprised you did not mention skype.



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    Mar 07, 2013 5:17 AM GMT
    btw, porn can be a very rewarding educational tool... I don't need a porn star to try the cliff driver. just someone with good upper body strength.
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    Mar 07, 2013 5:17 AM GMT
    If I need to pump and I don't have anyone..I will use porn.
  • PolaroidSwing...

    Posts: 1131

    Mar 07, 2013 6:01 AM GMT
    It isn't a gay phenomenon. Straight guys are consuming just as much pornography as gays are, and it's engendering just as unrealistic expectations of what their partners are going to look like.
    At least gay porn is largely egalitarian; most of the stuff they're watching is insanely sexist.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2013 7:56 AM GMT
    Really interesting post, DuluthMinnesota. You made some pretty valid points and I'm interested in seeing how this thread progresses.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2013 7:58 AM GMT
    dudewithabeard saidI have never met a true porn addict.
    In all seriousness I'd say yes, I have met a true porn addict. (Not myself. LOL) I really thought this person's addiction to porn destroyed a number of personal relationships in this person's life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    I think this is a very well written topic.

    For me, I enjoy watching porn online because it provides the sexual release when I desire it.. It also keeps me from engaging in risky behavior out of curiosity. Given the mental mind games most gay men sometimes put you through just to get a nut, I'd rather please myself when so desired
    . icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 09, 2013 7:39 AM GMT
    I consider myself an addict. I have sex roughly once a week, and I used to jerk sometimes 2-3 times a day. Now trying to hold back and wait for the weekend is killing me, but its worth it. And honestly, its not that I cant have sex or a relationship, I'm just really horned all the time.

    But still,sometimes I just give in and watch porn all day. : /
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    Mar 09, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidI feel like a lot of the guys on RJ fit that description. I don't really understand how some people think "hanging out" online is the same as actually going out and socializing with someone. I try to go out as much as possible, timing and money permitting. As of late, the money well has been doing well for me so I can go out a lot more, but there were times when I was broke as a joke, thus me coming onto RJ more often than I would like. I've been spending time with my "boytoy", this hot skater dude that looks like a Sean Cody model, so I'm trying to expand my circle of friends here in Miami since i'm still kinda new. But being broke when I first got here it was hard for me to put myself out there.


    But some people literally spend all day on here, I don't know how some people do it....



    This. Like don't you have a job? Or friends? Or a social life?
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    Mar 10, 2013 12:38 AM GMT
    XDanW saidI consider myself an addict. I have sex roughly once a week, and I used to jerk sometimes 2-3 times a day. Now trying to hold back and wait for the weekend is killing me, but its worth it. And honestly, its not that I cant have sex or a relationship, I'm just really horned all the time.

    But still,sometimes I just give in and watch porn all day. : /


    Sex once a week isn't considered a sex addiction, in my professional opinion.


    If having sex or seeking sex is getting away of your personal and professional relationships, then yes, it may be an addiction.

    You are just a hornball....
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    Mar 10, 2013 1:06 AM GMT
    This thread didn't provide any porn links at all! icon_evil.gif
  • PolaroidSwing...

    Posts: 1131

    Mar 10, 2013 2:24 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidThis thread didn't provide any porn links at all! icon_evil.gif


    http://www.lemonparty.org/







    coolface.gif

  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 10, 2013 2:30 AM GMT
    Gay+Men+Fucking+%25283%2529.jpg

    Gay+Men+Fucking+(15).jpg

    tumblr_m1ombff0ri1qf8mc7o1_1280.png
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2013 2:42 AM GMT
    PolaroidSwinger said
    Ariodante saidThis thread didn't provide any porn links at all! icon_evil.gif


    http://www.lemonparty.org/




    ...D: