Funny sex stories.

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    Oct 10, 2008 6:48 PM GMT
    It's Halloween tell us your horror stories about your craziest or most fucked up sexperience!
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    Oct 10, 2008 8:13 PM GMT
    Gladly! As a way to help banish these horrible flashbacks I still have about it.

    He was a bartender I met at a struggling new lesbian club in the 1990s, that I patronized to help them out whenever in that area south of Seattle. We'd chat, often being the only 2 men in the place.

    One afternoon as his early shift ended he asked me if I'd like to drop over to his house, just a few blocks away. I said sure, thinking that could be fun, since he wasn't bad looking.

    He took his car and I followed on my motorcycle. Once inside I enjoyed a brief tour, a quick drink, and a fast strip. We began a nice little romp on his bed, learning he was a bottom eager to be filled, while I was glad to oblige. But that's when things turned strange.

    We had just gotten into it doggie style when he started yelling, and I mean YELLING, about how great I was, how big I was, how much he loved it, best he'd had, etc, etc. Well that was OK, kinda inspirational for me, until he started hollering even more desperately how much he loved me personally, and wanted to marry me! On our first date? Even if it did already include a fuck? Really nothing more than a trick?

    And after his marriage proposal, noisily shouted over his shoulder in gasps timed to my thrusts slapping his bare butt, he started adding the details. We'd rent a truck tomorrow, start moving my things into his place, and oh, did I need office space for my computer?

    Now call me an old-fashioned romantic, but shouldn't conversation during a fuck be a little more intimate, or hot, or somehow related to the task at hand, assuming one talks at all? This was entirely too lesbionic for me, planning a U-Haul rental while I was still in the middle of plowing him for the first time. One thing at a time, please, and knock off the multi-tasking, OK?

    But just then my infallible Peter-Meter sent me an urgent message that I was about to be running on empty, thanks to all this weird behavior, and I hadn't cum yet. Too late now, and I knew he'd be certain to notice the change in me any second. So I did some yelling of my own about my cumming, and pulled out so fast I think I must have made a pop.

    I quickly went into the bathroom to remove my condom, being careful to hide its dry sight from him. When I returned he took his own turn in there, while I threw my clothes on as fast as I knew how.

    He caught me almost at the front door, begging me to stay longer. Not slowing down for fear of losing the momentum of my escape, I made some lame excuse about forgetting a commitment I had back home. I left him standing naked in the doorway as I leapt on my motorcycle like it was a horse in a Western movie, and roared out of town.

    I never contacted or saw him again. I also stayed away from that bar, until I heard he had quit and left town. And thereafter, every time I did a guy doggie I'd have flashbacks to that scene, and briefly wonder if I'll get a marriage proposal I didn't want, at least not at that particular moment.
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    Oct 10, 2008 9:04 PM GMT
    Holy shit! That is hilariously kind of reminds me of a Sex & the City episode. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

    I went home with this hottie Armando whom I had a crush on for a while...the only thing is he didn't speak any english so...we couldn't really communicate all that well.

    Anyway we're fooling around and I insisted that we leave the lights on, but he wanted them off, so off they went. It was just a little weird because he kept saying things I didn't understand and I kept saying things he didn't understand, but we both understood that we were attracted to eachother and that was all that we really needed to know right.

    Well it turns out that we were both trying to top and neither of us wanted to bottom. I mean sometimes I will, but it's gotta feel right. So anyway we just started to jack off and that was hot too.

    We wound up doing a whole lot dick sucking, and foreplay and it we deffinately had a hot time. So he starts breathing all hard and says he's gonna cum in his sexy accent and so I'm trying to cum at that same time.

    He shoots his load on my stomach and I shot out this massive load, but it was dark so I couldn't see where I was shooting....and I hear him say "Ay ay ay mi ojo!"

    Poor guy! My entire load was in his eye! But he was so cute..I turned on the lights and his eye was all red. He stayed the night and we wound up dating for a while, but I still giggle a little bit when I think of that.
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    Oct 10, 2008 10:26 PM GMT
    I might start another thread about "Best Sex Stories" to compliment this thread. But first, here's a guy who'd appear on both: best for the sex, worst for the sleepover afterwards.

    In fairness, he warned me he was difficult to share a bed with, but after the fantastic sex we'd just had I figured it worth the risk for a chance at a morning round. I was very wrong.

    But before he demonstrated his own talents for ruining my night's sleep, first it was his dog's turn. A national US champion racing whippet, with some impressively framed certificate on the wall saying he was the fastest whippet in the known universe or something, he'd been locked out of the bedroom during our fun. Now he was allowed back in for his usual nightly place on the bed.

    The dog promptly inserted himself between us, with a self-assured manner that told me he'd dealt with sleepovers before. All attempts to relocate him to the edge of the mattress rather than at dead center ended in failure, ending any dreams I had of cuddling off to sleep with its owner. At least he was on top of the blanket and sheet.

    Once we had fallen off to sleep the dog began its nefarious plan. I woke up feeling his four paws pushing hard against me, so I moved away a few inches. Moments later I felt the paws again, so I move away again. By the third move I was balanced on the edge of the mattress on my side, back to the dog.

    With nowhere else to go I clutched the edge, while the dog kept up it's unrelenting pressure. I was certain if I got out of bed he'd claim all the free space and I'd never return.

    Somehow I got back to sleep this way. Suddenly the dog yelped, waking me up. I saw his master's arm across him, and assumed that's what had disturbed him. A few minutes later, as I tried to nod off again, a second yelp signaled the dog's departure. Well that's a break, I thought to myself; wrong again.

    Asleep once more, I was startled awake with a blow across my face. It was my bed-mate's hand, but he was still out. The hand showed no signs of moving away, so I gently repositioned it. Moments later THWAP! I got hit again. A respite allowed me to drift away.

    Sudden yelling snapped me awake yet again. This guy didn't merely talk in his sleep, he shouted, loud and often, once he got going. I tried to gently nudge him, which quieted him for a few minutes, before his solo performance resumed. Another nudge, more quiet, followed by more shouts.

    At last that part of the show ended, followed shortly after with his tumbling routine. He now began to cover the mattress from one side to the other in log rolls, bumping into me at the edge before reversing direction. Odd he never managed to misjudge the other side and hit the floor. I was beginning to believe that this man and his dog shared many traits, including wanting me out of their bed.

    The final act I'll call his "tantrum" phase. Lying on his back, uncovered & naked, he started flailing his spread-eagled arms and legs. It was hard for me to avoid the repeated blows, and I finally surrendered the bed. He gradually grew quiet, with his arms and legs forming an "X" and his body diagonally across the mattress, effectively denying me any open space sufficient for me to sleep.

    I removed my pillow, and also being naked like him, pulled off part of the covers he wasn't using to make a bed on the floor. That seemed to work until the dog came over to lick my face.

    I never really did sleep down there, but with dawn I saw a space on the bed had opened up. I had no sooner taken it when he woke up, and said he'd make us coffee so we could do some things he had planned for the day.

    He did ask me over coffee if he'd had one of his bad nights, and I couldn't lie to him. Still, I wouldn't be mean about it, still selfishly tempted by the prospect of great sex with him. Would you believe I spent a second night with him, and the same thing happened all over again?

    But then I also had great sex again. Such are life's sometimes cruel choices.
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    Oct 13, 2008 4:02 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gifHoly shit dude, I would've left quietly and never came amount of great sex is worth that kind of treatment. I am such a bitch about sleep. Thats fucked up and yet rather hilarious! icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 13, 2008 7:31 PM GMT
    OMG gross! I would be pist if someone was trying to give me anal warts!! Sick!!
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    Oct 13, 2008 7:45 PM GMT
    My other 2 stories above had humorous elements, as well as being scary. This one is just scary.

    I shacked up with a guy for a few days at his place. We had each volunteered beforehand that we were both HIV negative and clean in other ways, too.

    On the third day he confessed to me that he had lied, and he had Hep C! I almost lost it. And he showed me his medical bills, and asked me for money! Said it would destroy his liver and kill him in a few years. Maybe it did, but I never saw him again to find out.

    Eleven years later and I'm still hep-free, as confirmed by a blood test just a few months ago. In fact, the doctor was surprised I showed no antibodies for it at all, meaning I've never been vaccinated, so I'm having that series of shots for A&B right now.

    Always assume the other guy is NOT clean, unless he's your partner and you go to the doctor together, as my partner & I do.
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    Oct 13, 2008 8:04 PM GMT
    Awww....I have a bad story. My friend Chase was the cattiest bitch in the bunch and all the guys that we hung out with were always annoyed by him. So this guy Chris wanted to play a joke on him and take him to a straight highschool jock party. Chris told Chase that they all were gay, but they just acted straight all the time. So Chase tried to hook up with a couple of guys there, and of course they got all crazy mean and starting beating on him.

    They wound up fucking him up royally and dropping his limp body off on the side to the road...poor guy. He was in intensive care for a while, but he pulled through.

    Real fucking funny Chris! You bastard!!
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    Oct 13, 2008 8:15 PM GMT
    On a lighter and my ex had just moved in to a new place and we were super excited that we were living together so we decided to have the greatest sex ever!

    So we're both butt-naked and fucking in the bed without sheets...boxes all around...all sweaty and hot...when I thought it would be a good idea to pick him up and carry him to the couch in the other room while I was still in him. It was pretty hot, that is until I tripped over a box and threw him acrossed the room, my dick yanked out of him, I stumbled and fell on him and our naked bodies slapped together like a wet noodle on a wall. We were all bruised and sore, but we couldn't stop laughing so needless to say we didn't even finish, but it was really funny.