Need more "grounded" gay friends?

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    Mar 10, 2013 7:41 AM GMT
    My gay friends all say I'm too stubborn and cynical. I have this terrible habit of always telling the truth, as well as an aversion to BS. For example, I don't really enjoy drinking or dancing, so when we go clubbing, I actually-not-jokingly express my sole intent on picking up a cute guy. Every thought I sense being suppressed by anyone or collectively, I can't help but verbalize. I also speculate on people's intentions, including my own, and I love dark humor. But apparently it's too much "negative energy" and making them depressed lol.

    My ex even took me aside earlier to try to explain why guys who "just want to have a good time" wouldn't want to hang out with me, making a half-reference to his ongoing reluctance to better aquaint me with certain friends (only the more attractive ones it seems). He kept adding that there's nothing wrong with the way I think, and couldn't really explain himself properly, so I asked him if anyone actually has an issue with me, but he pretty much recanted, said he's just being drunk, and aborted the intervention.

    I sorta knew what he was getting at in those moments of inebriated truthfulness, which reveal more about the state of our friendship than when he's sober. These are the kind of guys who go clubbing every weekend, and only have the Adele-to-Rihanna genre on their grindr-ready iphones, who tell each other how sexy they are, who need to be drunk to have a good time.

    Perhaps I don't fit in? Yes, I'm sober enough to write all this at 3am after partying lol, but it's not like I'm socially awkard at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much substance from my gay friends (my only other clique are my slowly-forgotten college buddies). In light of a few other recent events over the last couple months, I'm starting to feel that I should find more grounded gay friends. But every route I take (gym buddies, volunteering, etc) takes me back to the same type of village gays... there's no escape!
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    Mar 10, 2013 8:15 AM GMT
    Hello gooddaytoday. (You mind if I call you day? No?)

    So day, I see your problem. I feel like I can relate alot. I can't stand stand shallow people and as you said it "bs." But you can't really do anything here.

    Sometimes people just want to get drunk and forget their problems. I don't think it's a very good way to deal with it, but that is their choice.

    My recommendation? Don't go with them. It is obvious that you sense how they feel when you are around, and this can lead to further confilct, which I don't think anyone wants.

    Just because you can't go out all the time and under every condition, doesn't mean you can still be good friends. Try making new friends to hang out with on that night. Maybe just a little alone time? Or go with them, but focusing on yourself instead and let them do their thing.

    The fact is that no one really fits in. Most people just hide their true selves in order to gain acceptance. At least that's what I did in the past. And I regret it ever since, because I never made any truly good friends.

    Keep being you, but find someone who will accept you for it.
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    Mar 10, 2013 10:03 AM GMT
    WaytoDawn saidKeep being you, but find someone who will accept you for it.
    THIS.
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    Mar 10, 2013 11:48 AM GMT
    Sounds like you are evolving..There is nothing wrong with that..
    BUT
    it could also be that you are very expressive in your indifference to the point where it makes you SEEM harsh and cynical.

    ..So you are out growing the other villagers..nothing wrong with that.
    ..You probably need some NEW variety in your daily interactions...
    Hope you find what you need.. icon_biggrin.gif

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Mar 10, 2013 3:40 PM GMT
    I can relate to everything you're saying. Unfortunately, venting isn't going to change anything. If you're unhappy, the onus is on you to find new friends, because you'll never change anyone else. At some point, you'll reach a level of maturity to understand that you don't have to push yourself on people who don't want to hear it. They never will. In the meantime, when in Rome do as the Romans do, or don't bother going. You're making yourself and your friends unhappy by not participating but rather commenting on what you don't like or what you think everyone needs to hear. If they don't want to hear the truth they'll tar and feather the messenger, and frankly there are bigger issues in the world to ponder than why gay cliques are alcoholic superficial floozies in denial of their own desires.icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 10, 2013 3:50 PM GMT
    Holy shit you are high maintenance and cynical. Ever heard of just going with the flow???
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Mar 10, 2013 3:50 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're a real asshole who goes clubbing all the time and bitches non-stop. Your ex and your "friends" are sick and tired of hearing you express how superior you are while you're whoring the room for only good-looking guys. You can't entertain yourself and you can't entertain your friends. So you bitch and make nasty comments about them and what they choose to do. You forget your old friends the minute they disappear and my guess is they're glad to be forgotten. You need to take stock and stop being a little bitchy queen.
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    Mar 10, 2013 3:52 PM GMT
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  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Mar 10, 2013 3:56 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHoly shit you are high maintenance and cynical. Ever heard of just going with the flow???


    Haha, nice and blunt. I bet we'd have fun up in the club together. I mainly like to drink and dance and not complain. Life is worth celebrating!!
  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Mar 10, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    Sounds like you are actualizing the difference between friendship and acquaintanceship. There is nothing wrong with the latter as long as you accept the limitations of the relationship. They are 'fun buddies' who provide companionship and share common interests but it is a relatively superficial relationship. I have a blast with them...we party and all that but the onus is on me not to lie down with the dogs and catch their fleas...but it sounds like you get that.

    Friendship is made, not found. My true friends are relatively small in number and range from gay to straight...attractive to not so attractive...extrovert to introvert. BTW, I know allot of hetero acquaintances who act like thirty-something year old frat boys who are all about getting throwed and banging Tens....so remember stupidity is universal.
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    Mar 10, 2013 5:14 PM GMT
    SomeSicilianoGuy saidSounds like you are actualizing the difference between friendship and acquaintanceship. There is nothing wrong with the latter as long as you accept the limitations of the relationship. They are 'fun buddies' who provide companionship and share common interests but it is a relatively superficial relationship. I have a blast with them...we party and all that but the onus is on me not to lie down with the dogs and catch their fleas...but it sounds like you get that.

    Friendship is made, not found. My true friends are relatively small in number and range from gay to straight...attractive to not so attractive...extrovert to introvert. BTW, I know allot of hetero acquaintances who act like thirty-something year old frat boys who are all about getting throwed and banging Tens....so remember stupidity is universal.


    You hit it on the nail. I call them "bar queens". Guys I see out and about and people who I am cordial with, but I don't really call them up for advice or in a time of need. Very few people I do that with.

    Know to spot the difference and judge them based on that. I'm sure others look at you as "that guy" whenever you go out...
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 10, 2013 5:47 PM GMT
    You sound so rigid.
    Like, you are NO FUN to be with.

    Be easy-going and relax and just enjoy the moment you're in, instead of worrying about how all the gays u hang with are grindr-loving queens who don't get you...... I'm sure they get you, but u prob come off as pessimistic and boring.

    Maybe don't hang out at the gay bars. If you're not a drinker, then why are u even there? To meet Mr. right? You'll notice mostly the same people weekend after weekend at these places anyway.

    Spread yourself out a bit more and let your proverbial hair down, girl/.

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    Mar 10, 2013 5:55 PM GMT
    Also you might want to broaden your horizons and not look for your friends only among gays, there are straight guys and even some girls who can be pretty good friends.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Mar 10, 2013 6:26 PM GMT
    The friends with whom you merely share a common sexual preference should never be your primary group of friends. Unless you have no soul and only care about "enjoying the moment", which doesn't seem to be the case.
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    Mar 10, 2013 6:50 PM GMT
    gooddaytoday said
    I sorta knew what he was getting at in those moments of inebriated truthfulness, which reveal more about the state of our friendship than when he's sober. These are the kind of guys who go clubbing every weekend, and only have the Adele-to-Rihanna genre on their grindr-ready iphones, who tell each other how sexy they are, who need to be drunk to have a good time.

    Perhaps I don't fit in? Yes, I'm sober enough to write all this at 3am after partying lol, but it's not like I'm socially awkard at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much substance from my gay friends (my only other clique are my slowly-forgotten college buddies). In light of a few other recent events over the last couple months, I'm starting to feel that I should find more grounded gay friends. But every route I take (gym buddies, volunteering, etc) takes me back to the same type of village gays... there's no escape!


    This is the exact reason why I can't find or hold gay friendships.

    I have never met a gay who I have connected with and opened up to emotionally, without also dating or fucking him.

    I see nothing wrong with only having straight close friends, and I think the relationships you have with these gay guys are somewhat disposable, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a few friendships like that. I think you're just letting them get to you. Cynics are not for everybody, and the direct approach can get rather taxing on more happy and/or artificial friends (and sometimes even your fellow downers). But they'll get over it, and anyone who doesn't is, like I said, disposable.

    You'll never find real friendships if you aren't your real self. You're doing just fine.
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    Mar 10, 2013 7:18 PM GMT
    I hate being grounded. That's why I took flight lessons.
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    Mar 10, 2013 7:23 PM GMT
    gooddaytodayI sorta knew what he was getting at in those moments of inebriated truthfulness, which reveal more about the state of our friendship than when he's sober. These are the kind of guys who go clubbing every weekend, and only have the Adele-to-Rihanna genre on their grindr-ready iphones, who tell each other how sexy they are, who need to be drunk to have a good time.

    Perhaps I don't fit in? Yes, I'm sober enough to write all this at 3am after partying lol, but it's not like I'm socially awkard at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much substance from my gay friends (my only other clique are my slowly-forgotten college buddies). In light of a few other recent events over the last couple months, I'm starting to feel that I should find more grounded gay friends. But every route I take (gym buddies, volunteering, etc) takes me back to the same type of village gays... there's no escape!


    Even though it may seem like it, this is not specifically a gay issue. Straight men are often like this as well. The topic of focus may be sports instead of Rhianna, but the mentality is the same.

    The fact is that a lot of guys don't like to open up about personal stuff. In my experience, most friends fall under the heading of drinking buddies - people you get together to have a mindless good time, but never really take things to the next level.

    Finding close intimate friends is a lot tougher. It's almost like dating in a way (just without the sex... usually, LOL) - you have to weed through a lot of people to find the quality ones. Rest assured it can happen, you just need to be patient.

    Don't give up on your current friends - it's good to get out and be social. Learn how to recognize the limitations of those friendships and accept them for who they are. In the mean time, keep talking to new people and you'll meet some great long term friendships.

    Oh, and don't necessarily limit yourself to gay folks only... my two best friends are straight and I wouldn't trade them for the world
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    Mar 10, 2013 7:25 PM GMT
    Grounded gays are like bisexuals, they don't exist, at least for longer that three and a half months.
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    Mar 11, 2013 12:24 AM GMT
    I have not read other responses yet, but here's what I have to say to you:

    gooddaytoday saidMy gay friends all say I'm too stubborn and cynical. I have this terrible habit of always telling the truth, as well as an aversion to BS. For example, I don't really enjoy drinking or dancing, so when we go clubbing, I actually-not-jokingly express my sole intent on picking up a cute guy. Every thought I sense being suppressed by anyone or collectively, I can't help but verbalize. I also speculate on people's intentions, including my own, and I love dark humor. But apparently it's too much "negative energy" and making them depressed lol. I think honesty is to be commended, but how do you know that the thoughts and intentions that you are expressing are the truth? How do you know that what you are thinking for the collective is actually what the collective is thinking?

    My ex even took me aside earlier to try to explain why guys who "just want to have a good time" wouldn't want to hang out with me, making a half-reference to his ongoing reluctance to better aquaint me with certain friends (only the more attractive ones it seems). He kept adding that there's nothing wrong with the way I think, and couldn't really explain himself properly, so I asked him if anyone actually has an issue with me, but he pretty much recanted, said he's just being drunk, and aborted the intervention. I don't invite my negative-nancy friends to events with my bright-and-cheery friends, because it just doesn't mesh well. Half of the time, the lack of an invite isn't even on purpose. My brain just doesn't mix negative people with positive people, so I forget to invite the negatives. I much prefer the positives. Also, your ex was drunk, and might have not felt so coherent, so he was quiet.

    I sorta knew what he was getting at in those moments of inebriated truthfulness, which reveal more about the state of our friendship than when he's sober. These are the kind of guys who go clubbing every weekend, and only have the Adele-to-Rihanna genre on their grindr-ready iphones, who tell each other how sexy they are, who need to be drunk to have a good time. Alcohol has been social lubricant for thousands of years. If guys want to go clubbing every weekend and it brings them contentment, than that's up to them. Perhaps weekly is too much for you? Perhaps bi-weekly, or once a month would be fun? I have friends who love a good night of drunken-debauchery, and also love rock climbing (albeit sometimes we joke that we wish we could climb drunk as well, just to laugh at ourselves).

    Perhaps I don't fit in? Yes, I'm sober enough to write all this at 3am after partying lol, but it's not like I'm socially awkard at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much substance from my gay friends (my only other clique are my slowly-forgotten college buddies). You're not expecting too much, but I think you are expecting them to be people that they are not. You need to add more friends. Add people who do other things that you like, and listen to yourself when it's time to have fun. Do I want to hang out with the clubbers or the board-gamers, or the intelectuals, or whatever... Knowing many people makes you appreciate the good qualities in all of them even more. Also, why not be the guy who plans something besides a night of drinking? Those friends might appreciate a change as well. In light of a few other recent events over the last couple months, I'm starting to feel that I should find more grounded gay friends. But every route I take (gym buddies, volunteering, etc) takes me back to the same type of village gays... there's no escape!Perhaps you're boxing people too much? Why can't a village gay also be a drag queen also be a gym bunny also be an intellectual. Renaissance men always did it the best.
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    Mar 11, 2013 12:52 AM GMT
    Bah, story of my life. I dunno why all gay circles have to be this vapid, superficial, and stereotypical.
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    Mar 11, 2013 12:58 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHoly shit you are high maintenance and cynical. Ever heard of just going with the flow???


    I don't like your attitude at all.
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    Mar 11, 2013 12:58 AM GMT
    I dunno....I just don't care! I accept friends for who they are and their differences. It makes Sunday brunch entertaining, that's for sure!
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    Mar 11, 2013 1:04 AM GMT
    klobasnik saidAlso you might want to broaden your horizons and not look for your friends only among gays, there are straight guys and even some girls who can be pretty good friends.


    Best advice.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Mar 11, 2013 2:17 AM GMT
    evannz said
    jmusmc85 saidHoly shit you are high maintenance and cynical. Ever heard of just going with the flow???


    I don't like your attitude at all.


    I like yours though.
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    Mar 11, 2013 2:24 AM GMT
    To be fair, there are times when I'm considered a bit of a cynic. It's just the way I think sometimes. I love dark humor as well, and I'm also a person who doesn't need alcohol to have fun. If you do need it, then I can't imagine how you are without it icon_neutral.gif