What is the best way to come out to your parents?

  • gooddude1583

    Posts: 100

    Mar 11, 2013 1:53 AM GMT
    I guess this topic has been discussed before but I was still hoping to get some new insights and suggestions for my situation.
    I come from a non religious family and I moved to the US from Israel for school. I will turn 30 in two months and I decided it's time I came out to my parents. My parents will come to visit me in two weeks and I thought that this can be the right time to do it. But I am still very concerned and unsure as to the best way to do it. My thinking is to do it more towards the end of their stay (they will be here for 3 weeks) as we will stay in New York in the last weekend before they leave. What do you think? What is the best time and scenario for me to do such a thing? I understand this is never easy but I was just hoping to get some of your advice and personal experience; also what is a best way to get to the point where you say to your parents "I'm gay"?
    Thank you in advance for your thoughts.
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    Mar 11, 2013 1:57 AM GMT
    come out to them however the hell you want to. remember: you're not asking them for permission on how to live your life...you're simply telling them how you're doing it. you don't have to be a dick about it, but if you tell them, instead of ask them, you'll set yourself up better.
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    Mar 11, 2013 2:02 AM GMT
    Do whatever feels right. For me, I'm terrible at expressing myself face-to-face, so I sent my parents an email. "That's it? I still love you" was their reply, haha. Absolutely nothing changed.
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    Mar 11, 2013 3:01 AM GMT
    Good for you for deciding to make that move! I too came out at a late age, I was about 30 as well.

    In my case, the topic of 'finding a girlfriend' had come up and I kind of blurted it out. It wasn't really planned, and after I said it, my thoughts were "oh man, what did I just do?!" Though it ended up being okay, if a little awkward for that day.

    My suggestion... get them alone, think of a topic to lead into it and just say it, as hard as it is. You may need to search for the right moment.

    I don't know if it matters exactly when you do it, but they will probably have questions, so you may not want to bring up that conversation on their way to the airport.
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    Mar 11, 2013 5:32 AM GMT
    Don't over think it. What I did was pulled my parents aside one by one and said "I have something to tell you, this is going to to come out of left field but I'm gay". If you try to plan out a perfect way to bring up the topic it will feel more built up, and thus youll be more likely to just put it off to another time. Just pull them aside and say it dont worry about the details. Best of luck to you.
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    Mar 11, 2013 5:45 AM GMT
    Do you man!

    I told my mom I'm still the same guy. Just instead of bringing home a Jessica I'll bring home a jack.
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    Mar 11, 2013 5:59 AM GMT
    I think you should do something with them that they really enjoy doing with you...if there is something. Everyone has something, I don't know what interests you have or what your parents have but if you let them see who you are and let them see how much they love you as their son...how bad could there reaction be to you telling them shortly after? You'll always be the person you were born as, and you'll always be the person your parents enjoy doing whatever that special thing is with.

    I am not out. To anyone...but if I was thinking about telling my parents I think that is something I could see as a decent option.

    Good Luck!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 11, 2013 7:06 AM GMT
    They more than likely already know, so start with,"I'm not sure if we really need to actually discuss this, but you do realize my best friend is my boyfriend, don't you?"
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    Mar 11, 2013 7:54 AM GMT
    "Mom and dad??" ..."Can't you two ever do anything right??"..
    "I'm a homo!!!"..."Shame on you!!!"..."I'm gonna sue!!"
    Try that..
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    Mar 11, 2013 9:02 AM GMT
    wear neon pink all over ur body.
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    Mar 11, 2013 9:59 AM GMT
    Announce your favorite marine mammal to be a dolphin. State the reason being “dolphins sometimes engage in homosexual activity.

    Write to the Ellen Show and maybe she could announce it for you.

    Put an “I’m gay” message in an empty bottle and put it in their bathtub.

    Use sign language or tell them your favourite letters in the alphabet are "G", "A" and "Y".

    Play hangman. When it’s your turn make the phrase they have to guess be “I’m gay”.

    Put together a scavenger hunt, where the clues are all gay related and lead to you expressing your feelings.

    Record your voice saying “I’m gay” in a build-a-bear and give it as a gift.

    Have them follow you to a closet. Enter it and then count to 3 and then jump out and shout "I'm out!"

    Pretend to have a serious conversation about how you got a girl pregnant and how you're thinking of marrying her and moving in. Then go "just kidding, I'm totally gay".

    Cook them a pizza and have the toppings (i.e. olives) spell "I'm gay". This also works with a cake and the icing saying "I'm gay".

    Ask if you can borrow their phone pretending yours is out of batt. Change your name on their phone to say "First name: your name, Surname: is gay", give them back their phone and then call them.

    Say in passing how you eventually plan to get married once it's legal.

    Play a game of charades and have them guess it. Or play the "what if" game and after a few random ones say "what if I'm gay?"
  • BuggEyedSprit...

    Posts: 920

    Mar 11, 2013 12:20 PM GMT
    In my case, I waited til they were dead...3 decades.
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    Mar 11, 2013 12:28 PM GMT
    BuggEyedSprite saidIn my case, I waited til they were dead...3 decades.

    This, and while pissing on their graves, just kind of mention it.
  • BuggEyedSprit...

    Posts: 920

    Mar 11, 2013 12:29 PM GMT
    Probably did do that in a way for not mentioning it sooner.icon_neutral.gif
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    Mar 11, 2013 2:42 PM GMT
    It depends on your parents, your family dynamic, and what makes you feel most comfortable. The relationship I have with my parents is different than yours vs the next person, etc.
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    Mar 11, 2013 2:46 PM GMT
    CuriousOne saidIt depends on your parents, your family dynamic, and what makes you feel most comfortable. The relationship I have with my parents is different than yours vs the next person, etc.


    This
    When it comes to my parents, I'll better be silent till one of them discovers! ;)
    or I'll wait till there is some success in my career.
  • WrestlerBoy

    Posts: 1903

    Mar 11, 2013 2:47 PM GMT
    Tell them in exactly the same way your hetero siblings told them that they were str8.
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    Mar 11, 2013 2:51 PM GMT
    WrestlerBoy saidTell them in exactly the same way your hetero siblings told them that they were str8.

    Best answer yet, WB.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Mar 11, 2013 2:54 PM GMT
    tell them you have something to say and that you know they want only whats best for you and what makes you happy and that you are gay and that you love them and nothing has changed and you hope they love you back...
    my mum said id love you even if you were a psycho serial killer !!
    and i come from a religious background and very conservative country
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    Mar 11, 2013 3:10 PM GMT
    However it goes, good luck. It's a big and scary move but when it's over, I can almost guarantee that you'll be glad you did it and feel so much better to have that load off your shoulders. Wait until you're all together and there's nothing pressing going on and you can just relax and talk. Keep in mind that it took you 30 years to come to terms with it, don't expect them to be 100% OK or understanding in the few days they are there. Chances are that your mom (at least) already suspects something and will indicate that she loves you, no matter what. Good luck.

    Be sure to update the post and let us know how it goes!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 11, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    not in an acid factory
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    Mar 11, 2013 7:50 PM GMT
    I sat 'em both down in the living room and just said "I'm gay." It came as a big surprise and caught them off-guard, but I finally felt ready to do it so it was right for me. The only way to do it is just bite the bullet. We had a nice, long talk afterward and nothing changed at all about our relationship, except me feeling like I had a huge weight off my back.

    If face to face is too hard, I would recommend writing a letter. Make it handwritten and not text or email.
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    Mar 11, 2013 8:04 PM GMT
    Just live your life. You owe them no explanation of who you are. If they badger you with questions about when are you going to settle down with a nice girl maybe then you can tell them.

    I believe in "They don't ask. You don't tell." I'm not saying you lie or hide. I'm saying live your life, date guys, bring them around the family and to family functions (weddings, etc.) where others bring dates. They'll get the picture soon enough.

    Straights don't "come out." Why must we?
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    Mar 11, 2013 8:22 PM GMT
    well, it's something you have to do when you're ready. you may feel that you're ready but then when it's time to talk, you might get afraid where you feel that you can't say it. just look at it like this, tell them when you feel that you're ready and make sure you do it where you can sit down, tell them where it's just you and them. you can tell them individually or tell them together. do what you feel makes you comfortable. it takes a lot out of you but you will feel a little better after you tell them.

    if i were you, i would basically talk to a forum like here, elsewhere, talk with a friend and etc to help push you to do it. sometimes, it makes a difference than just relying on your own instance.

    they might not take it well but it's really about how you feel and being able to have the confidence to be who you are around other people without hiding it. it would help to have people to lean on just in case they don't take it well to show you support in case your parents don't.

    now, if you don't mind, are you out to your friends? can you please tell me how you came out to your friends because that's what one of my biggest problems is. i'm scared to tell my friends and other people that associate with me that i'm gay. i'm afraid of telling my extended family as well.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Mar 11, 2013 8:38 PM GMT

    The best way is in the publicity photo of you and your husband winning the powerball lottery.

    my aunt told mine. i felt cheated a bit but at least i didn't have to do it.

    ------

    The only hard tell I did, was my best friend at the time, and I knew he was going to react badly no matter what I did, for many many reasons. I never lied to him but I did allow him to make assumptions I knew were wrong. We were doing everything together and he was looking for his first girlfriend and he thought i was too. (Geeks...early twenties).

    I called him up to arrange the days activity (road hockey if i recall) and he said..I'll be there in 2 minutes to pick you up. I told him...no I'm not at home. This was early saturday morning...and pre-cell era. He said where are you? I said I spent the night somewhere else and you could see through the phone the "oh you got lucky good for you buddy" grin on his face.

    The next evening we went out for a walk and laid down on a hill looking at the stars in a park . I had an envelope I had marked "pandoras box" on it. With the picture of the hot boy I had been seeing inside.

    I told him, "I know I've been all secretive lately and freezing you out a bit and the reason is in the envelope. You can open pandoras box and brave the information you wanted, or you can just accept the status quo and live a happy life." I told him he didn't want to know and that it was for his own good, but it was making my life complicated because he was asking too many questions, that I knew he didnt want to know the answer to. I told him I wasnt doing anything wrong and I was happy, and that he was my best friend no matter if he opened it or not.

    He opened it, and saw the picture, didnt get it, and said "Wait you're not supposed to open Pandoras box!"

    I told him, you kept asking me what I have been doing all month, and thats your answer. He said This is just a picture of a guy its not an answer.

    There was a long pause as it sunk in.

    We had a long talk, and I knew things had changed. He was glad i wasnt interested in him, but I couldnt be his wingman anymore, so we drifted apart over the next year or so. He was the only one I didnt want to tell. and the only one I lost telling.

    It was worth doing, but it was hard.