I really need some advice.

  • secondprofile

    Posts: 4

    Mar 11, 2013 12:42 PM GMT
    First off, I want to say that this is a second profile that I set up to share this painful issue and that I'm not trolling in any way. I am a verified member and active member of the RJ community and this forum has been a place of growth and learning for me as a gay man. The issue at hand is just really embarrassing and I'd rather not use my real profile.

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend of 12 months ( I'm 27 and he is 26) and after we had a special anniversary dinner and movie date, we spent the night in his apartment. I woke up this morning to find that he had stepped out and left his laptop open and when I went on, I found that he had a second e-mail account open on which he had sexually explicit e-mail exchanges with guys from Craiglist for personal encounters. In my state of shock, I didn't know how to process this information and I quickly scrolled down to find that there were literally tens, if not hundreds of exchanges in the time that we were together and monogamous.

    I had no clue that this was going on and I completely trusted him and had actually gotten to the point of verbalizing my love for him (a hard thing for me to do). My shock was compounded by the fact that we had always tried to be honest about out needs and about the state of our relationship: whether monogamy vs open- and the freedom to talk about our needs if they do change. On confrontation, he tried to deny it by claiming that he liked exchanging messages with guys and scrolling through craiglist ads and that nothing was going on. Upon my insistence, he let me open and read a lot of the messages and when I ran across some where he had shared his house address and buzzer number, he knew the gig was up.

    The messaging actually went as far back as the beginning of our relationship and he finally fessed up to it all, claiming that he had been with about 4-5 people in that time in bath houses, homes, etc and that they were all safe encounters. He broke down and admitted that he had a sex addiction problem and blah, blah, blah.... I wasn't really interested in what he had to say at that point. I told him we needed a break from the relationship, asked for his copy of my apartment keys and left.

    My state of mind is as good ad it can be right now. I am disappointed and just shocked that a person that claims and that acted like he was in love, could jeopardize our relationship and put our collective health at risk. The sleeping around doesn't bother me as much as the betrayal of trust and knowing that this would have continued if I hadn't found out for myself. Stupid and foolish doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about having trusted so blindly and letting myself fall for him.

    He has been trying to call and left me a message begging me not to make any decisions and to give him time to seek help for his sex addiction. To be clear, we have a very healthy sex life and I don't have any guilty feelings that maybe I contributed to this. It is all on him. Before discovering this, every thing was perfect. I went to bed thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and now I know everything we had may have been a lie.

    My question is this- Is sex addiction a real thing and is it something that people can deal with successfully? Or is it just his cop-out because he was caught red-handed? It is hard to believe that such a sensitive and caring person can be this cold-hearted lying cheat. Should I consider giving him another chance if I can bring myself to forgive the betrayal of trust, or am I just setting myself up for future pain? I have almost made up my mind to end it permanently with him but I wonder if there are other aspects to this that I don't understand. I really would appreciate some counsel, especially from guys who have some personal experience with infidelity and sex addiction. Thank you.
  • Import

    Posts: 7167

    Mar 11, 2013 1:48 PM GMT
    sex addicition?

    lol. The dude just cheated on you. That's all it is. He's using "sex addiciton" to try and make it seem as if it's some uncontrollable disease that he has. It's an excuse he's using for his unfaithfulness. When it comes down to it, he cheated. And that's it.

    He's not to be trusted. I'm not going to sugar-coat it.
    Getting back with him, IMO would be setting yourself up for future pain. Either you'll catch him cheating on you again, in the future, or resentment will get the best of you and when yall get in disagreements or have moments or rough patches, you'll go right back to thinking he's cheating on you or he has cheated on you. etc. .

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2013 1:51 PM GMT
    Sex addiction is very real! When I was in nursing school, one of my projects was to visit a local sexaholics anonymous group to learn about addiction. At first, I thought it was a bunch of bs but I couldn't believe how real it was. Sex absolutely consumed these people's lives to the point that it was not only hurting their relationship, but their everyday life too! I learned a lot at that time. So yes, it's real!

    I am all for giving people a second a chance but your story is different. I hate to sound a bit harsh but you need to dump him and move on. It appears that your bf would have continued his infidelity if you did not see his email messages. Also, how do you know if his past contacts were limited to Craigslist? Has he been cruising on other sites like Manhunt, A4A or even Grindr?

    You have experienced a lot of heartache and disappointment with this guy and I'm afraid that if you take him back, you'll continue to get hurt. I think it's time for you to end it and start healing. Best wishes to you my friend!
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    Mar 11, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    "Should I consider giving him another chance if I can bring myself to forgive the betrayal of trust, or am I just setting myself up for future pain?"

    secondprofile, if you continue with him and he does have sex addiction, then you have to fully expect more of the same, but at the same time hope for the best. It's a pretty tall order and not one myself in my single years (yes I was in one), or Bill in his single years (yes he was in in one) were able to deal with.
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    Mar 11, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    sack up, and move on.... this happenes to everyone at least once.... learn and go... this guy does not love you.... he loves the IDEA of you...

    he is unstable, abusive, and not worthy of some one such as yourself....

    you will be stronger for this.... dont look back
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2013 4:54 PM GMT
    Cheating is cheating, and if his addiction were real or not there are consequences for his actions.

    And you might be thinking, somewhere in the back of your mind "but I can change him." No, guys won't change for anyone, guys will change when they want to. And if he hasn't changed while still being in that "monogamist" relationship with you.. well, you're out of luck.

    For your health and safety, dump him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    My first ever long term partner did the exact same thing, albeit pre internet days in the mid late 80''s.
    He is still the same 20 years later, now instead of just turning up to a beat (cottage whatever you Yanks call it) he now goes online to various sites and advertises he will be there.

    He wont change sorry to say, that is your guy...

    Learn from this and find someone better or work on yourself.

    Sex addiction can be very real but generally in the gay community its more about being weal willed or uncaring.
  • Import

    Posts: 7167

    Mar 11, 2013 8:17 PM GMT
    To clarify: I'm not saying sex addiciton isn't a real thing. I know it is, but this guy was just saying that, so he would have a snowball's chance in hell that u may show him mercy because of his "condition"..... and I think it's fucking bullshit
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2013 9:21 PM GMT
    Let me say.. I'm truly sorry for your heartache.. I know it must be tough.

    If you are in a mind boggle because you don't really want to walk out on the love of your life because he has a problem.(you know you've been thinking about it). This might help.

    ... Sex addiction and cheating are two different things..
    .... He could have been a sex addict and still had sex with only you!!

    ....If he was a sex addict, he should have told you a long time ago...
    and i believe you would have already figured that out from having a sore ass and penis all the time .

    ..He could have kept the relationship open...he had the option.

    ... He would have kept doing what he was doing if you hadn't found out.

    BTW.. The reason i know this guy is a scumbag..

    ..He declined an open relationship just so you could be loyal to him while he was fucking around on you the whole time.

    Devious, Selfish, Controlling and Evil.. AND the "Sex Addict Defense".. is pure manipulation.

    Free your mind , body and soul of this guy..


  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    Mar 11, 2013 9:48 PM GMT
    if he has sex addiction and he really loves u, he will tell u about it and not hide it to help him and to try to solve it together, but he likes this!!!!
    and when he feels the need to have sex why he won,t do it with you and plays around with other guys!!!
    when people do bad things they always search for explanations in order to make it appear right and not wrong and in order not to feel guilty.
    ex: if someone stole money from u coz he needs money this does not make him not a thief >>he is still a thief
    there is people with no money and no matter how poor they are they will never steal>>wrong is wrong>>did u get it??
    sorry for my English
    good luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2013 9:57 PM GMT
    Probably a broken-record post from me, but yes, free yourself from him, and free him up to get some professional help.

    Make it clear you're not going to be waiting around for him, and that you're not going to fall for any quick "I'm healed!" claims.
  • secondprofile

    Posts: 4

    Mar 12, 2013 2:08 PM GMT
    I want to say a heartfelt 'thank you' to everyone that has contributed to this thread. Your words of advice mean so much to me and I'll try to keep them all in perspective as I trudge along.

    The last two days have just been surreal and I have been trying to stay focused on work and forget all that has happened. We had a conversation the day after I left him and his spirit was just broken. He proceeded to tell me his 'truth' on his unhealthy relationship with sex, its roots and how long it has been going on for. The details were just unbelievably sordid - his compulsive need for anonymous and other encounters has been there throughout his entire adult life and he was honest about the people he had slept with, the nature of the encounters and the use or non-use of protection. He untold some of the lies of the previous day and fessed up to unsafe encounters in the time that we were together and to numerous encounters with people I was vaguely familiar with from his past. I appreciated his honesty for once but I will never understand how someone who I assumed to be a man of integrity could be so dubious to me. I don't care much about a crazy sex drive and hooking-up but I question the character of a person that would lie and deceive in the confines of a monogamous relationship.

    And that he willfully exposed me to STI's? Still speechless on that count. Thankfully the rapid HIV test I took yesterday was negative and that is pretty sensitive for infections acquired more than 21 days before the test. We'll see if I'm out of the woods when I go for a repeat test in 3 - 6 months.

    I just feel all kinds of anger towards him and I know this feelings are expected but I don't like having this hateful emotions. I'm angry, pissed out of my mind and just disappointed. I thought I was always a good judge of character but this is far out of left field for me. He is also in my thoughts and I feel really sorry for him and for the situation he finds himself in. He has told a family member and a friend about his supposed addiction and its effect on him and I guess he feels they might hold him accountable on his recovery process. I have been doing some reading on the sex addiction topic and it is a pretty deep thing that is tied to childhood attachment and all that psychosocial theory babble. It is all very messed up and I don't think I want a front-row seat to that show. Time will tell how my personal healing process goes but I'm sure that I'm done with him. Communication and contact will be limited and I'll just focus on me.

    Pardon my ranting guys. I need this outlet to vent and let out steam.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2013 2:18 PM GMT

    Wow, I'm so sorry about all that's going down, secondprofile.

    I think getting tested for all other STDs is an extremely important thing to do.
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    Mar 12, 2013 2:19 PM GMT
    You have every right to feel angry, but for your benefit you need to offload it somewhere.
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    Mar 12, 2013 2:55 PM GMT
    Wow, this story reminds me a lot of my closest friend her story except it was a straight version..

    If you think you're at pain now, you'll be in a hell of a surprise if you continue this relationship.
    Sex addiction or not, he cheated on you. And if it's an addiction I highly doubt it was only 4-5 times..

    Your relationship is damaged. If you wish to continue this you'll make yourself sick with suspicious thoughts. You'll never be able to fully trust him again, maybe with professional help. But I highly doubt it. You've been scarred and I'm sorry for you to be in this position. I hope you'll find a way and do what's right for you.

  • secondprofile

    Posts: 4

    Mar 12, 2013 2:56 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Wow, I'm so sorry about all that's going down, secondprofile.

    I think getting tested for all other STDs is an extremely important thing to do.

    I also got tested for all the other STIs and will have results in a week. I have always been 'anal' about protection and testing and infact we got tested together into the relationship before we decided to stop using protection.

    The lesson for me is to always play safe and never trust even in really long term relationships. You just never know.

    And thank you meninlove for your supportive words.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2013 3:01 PM GMT
    He's not a sex addict he's a sociopath!
    If you even think of sympathizing with him or taking him back then you are as fucked in the head as he.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 12, 2013 3:01 PM GMT
    there is such a thing as sexual addiction. however, i think he was just lying so you will not dump him. dude, i say cut your loses and move on
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    Mar 12, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    Yes, there is such a thing as sex addiction.

    No, you are not obligated to give him a second chance just because he is sick.

    You have every right to expect the person you are committing yourself to is reasonably physically and emotionally healthy. It is not your responsiblity to see him through his rehabilitation.

    Wish him well and send him on his way to get the help he needs. It's the best gift you can give to him right now. If he doesn't hit rock bottom and suffer the consequences of his actions (failed relationships, losing out on REAL love and intimacy), he won't seek the help he desperately needs.

    If you take him back there is a HIGH probability he will continue the behavior and postpone treatment.

    Break it off now. And make it a clean break, NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.

    Do it for him. DO IT FOR YOURSELF.

  • secondprofile

    Posts: 4

    Mar 15, 2013 1:47 PM GMT

    Its been a couple of days since the big revelation for me and the break of contact with the guy I was dating (I can't bring myself to use the 'bf' term). I'm beginning to let go of some of the anger but it still gets the best of me sometimes. Work has been a good distraction and I plan to fill up my weekend with activities and more work. On the health front, I am grateful that the test results that I have received so far have been clean but I'll be getting additional tests as I had some elevation of my liver enzymes. This has had me scared shitless as I know Hepatitis B and C are high on the list of differentials. Anyway, what will be will be and I'm trying to make peace with it all.

    I have pretty much made up my mind to end the relationship and just be by myself. Two days ago, I received this message from him and I wanted to share it here:

    "This is my rock bottom. I can't imagine a lower place than knowing the trauma and anguish I've put you through. The beautiful future we had just begun to imagine and plan, shattered by my own hand. Your company, where I felt completely in love and at home - wrenched away by my own conscious decisions.

    I truly think the world of you. You did not deserve this. I have a monster inside of me. That monster IS me. I am not a victim, I am the perpetrator. You already know this, but I need you to know that I fully accept this.

    I was ashamed and afraid, and I had gotten to the point where I compartmentalized my habit so separately that I chose to ignore the way it was affecting my life or those I love. My actions were absolutely inconsistant with my life goals, my goals of a partner and a family. I don't want to be single forever, I don't want to be in an open relationship. Please know I took steps while we were together. I deleted my manhunt, squirt, and dudesnude accounts. I reduced the number of times I went out, and reduced my alcohol intake. It worked temporarily, but it wasn't enough. At that point I couldn't do it alone and I needed outside help, but I was too paralyzed by fear and shame to ask for it.

    You have to believe that beside this monster inside of me lives a caring and compassionate person. I deeply and honestly care about the people in my life, including you. The times we spent together were real to me, even though this web of deception crept in the background. The cards I wrote, plans I made, and feelings I felt were genuine.

    If you have an ounce of love left for me in your heart, an ounce of faith in me -- please, let me build on it. It has to be on your terms and on your watch, but please take time to consider it. I'm not saying today or tomorrow, but after some time in personal recovery. I will begin group therapy tomorrow night at -------, 1-on-1 therapy -------- morning before work with a Psychologist, and I've been working through the exercises in my book with -------. Things are never going to be the same - there's no way they can be. I'm beginning my journey to understanding everything that brought me to this point, and strategies and boundaries that will bring me back to a fuller, more honest life. I'm hoping you will eventually consider coming to therapy with me, so we can try to begin undoing what emotional trauma I've taken you through and that you might get the answers you need.

    Please, hold on to me."

    I dont know what to make of this message and frankly, my anger is too raw to even begin to consider what he is proposing. I have done some research on the whole sex addiction thing and the jury is still out on whether it is a real disorder or not. And even if we ever do give this relationship another try, I don't think it can last with all this baggage. My contempt for him will make it a very non-loving situation. And I can't even see myself ever getting sexually turned on by him again. It is as if a light switch turned off completely in my head.

    I just wanted to share this here as I always appreciate the views here that are usually borne out of experience. What do I make out of all this? When will the anger be completely gone? And is it even remotely possible that some couples make it work when this kind of betrayal has happened?
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    Mar 15, 2013 2:03 PM GMT
    I deeply feel for you in this place- It's very hard to deal with something so traumatizing as this, and I wish you the best in terms of your emotional recovery from this event.

    Why people do this is so beyond me, their conscious is alive and lives inside them. They must be aware of the hurt this causes, and the unhealthy personal risks associated with this type of behavior.

    Yet, they quite always seem very much apologetic and sorrowful for their actions which typically remains unexplainable.

    Good luck to you my friend, Am once again truly sorry for you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2013 2:05 PM GMT
    Don't let it ruin you.

    That's the best advice I can ever give. Details don't matter. You'll NEVER trust him again, and if you allow it to, it will eat you alive.

    So let it go,and don't let it ruin you.
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    Mar 15, 2013 2:18 PM GMT
    **Regarding your update**

    Wow, secondprofile! I really feel for you! Here are my thoughts:

    1) Go to his therapy sessions. And what good will that do? It'll get a chance for you to express all of your anger, frustrations and disappointment with what he did to you.

    2) The therapy sessions will be your first steps to healing. Most important...you need to forgive him for what he did to you! Sounds crazy? It's not! You asked when the anger will be completely gone and in my opinion, the anger will always haunt you until you look at him and say that you forgive him.

    3) When the final therapy session is over, then you'll be able to move on. It'll take time but your anger will subside.

    Overall, don't let what he did get the best out of you! Fight it! Otherwise, you will have a hard time meeting new guys because you're always going to be reminded on what this guy did to you. But you know deep in your heart that your relationship with him is over despite what he said (and will continue to say) in his messages.

    I wish you the very best!
  • Import

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    Mar 15, 2013 2:30 PM GMT
    running11 saidDon't let it ruin you.

    That's the best advice I can ever give. Details don't matter. You'll NEVER trust him again, and if you allow it to, it will eat you alive.

    So let it go,and don't let it ruin you.

    this is pretty much a short, sweet, accurate, true statement.

  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Mar 15, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    Well you have been given some good advice on here just follow thru.Sorry for all the pain going thru hopefully u learned a hard lesson. This minded me of a song in my younger days "Fifty ways to leave your lover" Some of the words go Slip out the back Jack
    No need to be coy Roy
    Just set yourself free

    This is your life be who you want to be and be happy. Peace dude.