How to not focus on getting/wanting a boyfriend?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2013 9:30 PM GMT
    Hey guys!

    I have, for the longest time , been focusing so much on finding a boyfriend. I don't know what is up with me. I am trying to build friendships, go out and have fun and meet new people. However thoughts of finding a boyfriend keep recurring in my mind. I feel like I am settling, almost desperation. How do I knock myself out of it? Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2013 10:55 PM GMT
    before anyone will love you, you have to learn to love yourself icon_smile.gif
  • nic_m3

    Posts: 123

    Mar 12, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    icon_neutral.gif *repost* Does anybody know how to use a forum...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2013 11:02 PM GMT
    DAN_THE_MAN saidHow to not focus on getting/wanting a boyfriend?
    Get laid.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2013 11:04 PM GMT
    DAN_THE_MAN said
    I have, for the longest time , been focusing so much on finding a boyfriend. I don't know what is up with me. I am trying to build friendships, go out and have fun and meet new people. However thoughts of finding a boyfriend keep recurring in my mind. I feel like I am settling, almost desperation. How do I knock myself out of it? Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated. icon_smile.gif

    That is exactly what I did NOT do - focus on finding a boyfriend. I focused on having good times, and meeting good guys.

    Yeah, I know it was a mind game, because naturally I hoped I'd find a BF. But I tried to put that out of my thoughts, not think about it very much.

    When I went out to party, to socialize, I made myself content to just have a good time with others. With no other agenda or purpose. If at the end of the day (or night) I'd had a good time, I was satisfied.

    I trusted that eventually Mr. Right would come into my life if I kept myself in circulation, in his own good time, and I'd know it when it happened. Not sooner nor later. And in the meantime I was having the time of my life.

    And guess what? One day he did come into my life. And when I least expected him. Because, as a saying goes for another circumstance, a watched pot never boils. And an awaited BF never shows up.
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Mar 12, 2013 11:04 PM GMT
    Go on a long trip, preferably in the mountains of the Nepal. There, you will find peace and tranquility among the Buddhist monks.
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    Mar 12, 2013 11:15 PM GMT
    DAN, I am in a similar place, and it ain't easy. But I certainly agree with Art_Deco's suggestion to not let it be your focus.

    In the meantime, I try to take the time to focus on the sort of person I want to be, and work steadily towards that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2013 11:29 PM GMT
    I found out why my emotions/happiness were dependent on others. I took responsibility, and then made a decision to give it up. No one likes to make decisions of change. Good luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 12:05 AM GMT
    Davidolce saidbefore anyone will love you, you have to learn to love yourself icon_smile.gif


    Tried looking didn't find it.... give link and I'll check it out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 12:06 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    DAN_THE_MAN said
    I have, for the longest time , been focusing so much on finding a boyfriend. I don't know what is up with me. I am trying to build friendships, go out and have fun and meet new people. However thoughts of finding a boyfriend keep recurring in my mind. I feel like I am settling, almost desperation. How do I knock myself out of it? Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated. icon_smile.gif

    That is exactly what I did NOT do - focus on finding a boyfriend. I focused on having good times, and meeting good guys.

    Yeah, I know it was a mind game, because naturally I hoped I'd find a BF. But I tried to put that out of my thoughts, not think about it very much.

    When I went out to party, to socialize, I made myself content to just have a good time with others. With no other agenda or purpose. If at the end of the day (or night) I'd had a good time, I was satisfied.

    I trusted that eventually Mr. Right would come into my life if I kept myself in circulation, in his own good time, and I'd know it when it happened. Not sooner nor later. And in the meantime I was having the time of my life.

    And guess what? One day he did come into my life. And when I least expected him. Because, as a saying goes for another circumstance, a watched pot never boils. And an awaited BF never shows up.


    Thanks for the great response! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 12:08 AM GMT
    Get hobbies?
    Join social clubs?
    Second job?
    Volunteer for some organization, helping the poor or sick?

    Life is abundant with things to do that will occupy one's time well. Why waste time lamenting what you want but don't have when you could be celebrating what you CAN do while doing it?
  • Kairr

    Posts: 239

    Mar 13, 2013 12:36 AM GMT
    For me, I found myself not having to think about any of these problems when I started to play the elder scroll series...

    Maybe you just need to find a hobby that you really like and are willing to devote your time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 2:11 AM GMT
    Kel_ saidGo on a long trip, preferably in the mountains of the Nepal. There, you will find peace and tranquility among the Buddhist monks.

    This. Except without a lot of travel and self discovery.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 2:37 AM GMT
    keep your mind on something else. that works.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Mar 13, 2013 2:42 AM GMT
    Just continue being FABULOUS and it'll all fall into place! That's what I'm doing! BEING FABULOUS!! icon_biggrin.gif
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Mar 13, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    deltalimen saidI found out why my emotions/happiness were dependent on others. I took responsibility, and then made a decision to give it up. No one likes to make decisions of change. Good luck


    *cheers Deltalimen on* good move ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 3:16 AM GMT
    Do me a favor and stay away from charities to find a husband. I voluntered for 3 AIDS orgs and and I got stuck working the 'scary' bars because all the "Husband Hunters" wanted to work the popular bars.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 3:36 AM GMT
    I have to read this thread later...
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Mar 13, 2013 3:37 AM GMT
    smartmoney said
    Kel_ saidGo on a long trip, preferably in the mountains of the Nepal. There, you will find peace and tranquility among the Buddhist monks.

    This. Except without a lot of travel and self discovery.


    Granted. But there is a moral to my advice, and that is, self-discovery icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 3:39 AM GMT
    What you are living is normal. Don't worry about it. Don't try to fight it. Live your life, keep yourself busy and be happy!

    Erikson's Psychosocial Stages:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson's_stages_of_psychosocial_development

    http://psychology.about.com/od/psychosocialtheories/a/intimacy-versus-isolation.htm

    "Intimacy versus isolation is the sixth stage of Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. This stage takes place during young adulthood between the ages of approximately 19 and 40. During this period of time, the major conflict centers on forming intimate, loving relationships with other people."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 3:52 AM GMT
    Dan,

    This is definitely a pre-occupation for both gay and straight men the only difference of course is our orientation but the focus the same. We all want to be loved and to love another. 

    To build on what David said yes you must love yourself first, but how does one do this? One thought is to invest deeply in yourself. What do I mean? Invest deeply in all areas of your life challenge yourself in the three major areas mind, body, and soul. Join an athletic team or train for a competition of some kind, invest in your mind, pick up an instrument, join a theater guild, study for your masters or pick up a new language. Go deep spiritually grow in your personal faith, if you don't have one attend a Buddhist retreat, take a yoga class, volunteer at a local park on Earth Day. 

    Find yourself! Discover who you are and you will likely encounter love along the same journey.

    Peace
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 4:50 AM GMT
    Find yourself a hobby! best thing you can do for yourself.

    and as cliche as it sounds. It's best if you don't look for it, and let it find you.
    otherwise it will just feel forced...and nothing feels more horrible then something that is being forced.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2013 4:56 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidGet hobbies?
    Join social clubs?
    Second job?
    Volunteer for some organization, helping the poor or sick?

    Life is abundant with things to do that will occupy one's time well. Why waste time lamenting what you want but don't have when you could be celebrating what you CAN do while doing it?


    Or he can do what I did and make a thread to find one!!!icon_biggrin.gif
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Mar 13, 2013 5:04 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    RunintheCity saidGet hobbies?
    Join social clubs?
    Second job?
    Volunteer for some organization, helping the poor or sick?

    Life is abundant with things to do that will occupy one's time well. Why waste time lamenting what you want but don't have when you could be celebrating what you CAN do while doing it?


    Or he can do what I did and make a thread to find one!!!icon_biggrin.gif


    You found your 007?
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Mar 13, 2013 5:07 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    DAN_THE_MAN saidHow to not focus on getting/wanting a boyfriend?
    Get laid.


    +1 for real

    Satisfied is an attractive quality