I get a little tired of being told to stop looking

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    Mar 14, 2013 6:14 AM GMT
    I get so sick of people telling me to stop looking for a significant other and just let it come to me. I cannot think of one person that has worked for. I mean obviously I'm sure it works for someone but surely so does looking otherwise dating sites and singles mixers would not exist.

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    Mar 14, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    Yeah, I feel like especially for the gay community you really have to put yourself out there since the chances of finding someone are a lot slimmer.
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    Mar 14, 2013 7:22 AM GMT
    OneFish saidYeah, I feel like especially for the gay community you really have to put yourself out there since the chances of finding someone are a lot slimmer.


    Yeah that is how I feel exactly. We all don't live within ear shots of gay metropolitan areas so just waiting around is dumb because no one else is going to know you are gay unless you speak up.
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    Mar 14, 2013 8:08 AM GMT
    MashogaNubianPrince saidI get so sick of people telling me to stop looking for a significant other and just let it come to me. I cannot think of one person that has worked for. I mean obviously I'm sure it works for someone but surely so does looking otherwise dating sites and singles mixers would not exist.


    I don't think people necessarily mean to stop being social, and to even stop going on dating websites. It's more of a change of your mindset.

    When you meet a guy, no matter how you meet him, don't think instantly of his compatibility as a relationship partner. Why? Because that is impossible to know. Just get to know him. When a guy on a dating website instantly starts to show signs that he thinks I am "the one" or that we are "really compatible" it freaks me out a little bit, because he really really doesn't know a thing about me. He doesn't know that I am partially-polyamorous, he doesn't know I am incredibly kinky, he doesn't know that I make my own yogurt, he doesn't know that I like to do drag once in a while, he doesn't know that I bite my nails, he doesn't know that I have a decent amount of student loan debt... all factors that will truly influence how he might feel about me.

    So... go on websites that put you in touch with other gay men (I'm not going to call them dating websites)... go to bars... join gay sports leagues and groups... stare at guys at the gym and ponder curiously if they are gay.

    BUT STOP LOOKING AT THEM AS THE HUSBAND WHO WILL SAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY...

    ^^^ The person who will make you happy is you.
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    Mar 14, 2013 8:55 AM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said

    BUT STOP LOOKING AT THEM AS THE HUSBAND WHO WILL SAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY...

    ^^^ The person who will make you happy is you.


    Absolutely! Just enjoy meeting or chatting with other guys. See them as possible new friends. If someone is more than special, you will know. If not, you can still have a good time.
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    Mar 14, 2013 12:45 PM GMT
    Get drunk and high.
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    Mar 14, 2013 12:47 PM GMT
    Do what I Do - don't listen to people...
  • RaggedyMan

    Posts: 7185

    Mar 14, 2013 1:09 PM GMT
    I'm sure the message isn't "stop looking" but more like "don't force it".
    Obviously you're not gunna get anywhere just sitting on your ass.
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    Mar 14, 2013 2:07 PM GMT
    OneFish saidYeah, I feel like especially for the gay community you really have to put yourself out there since the chances of finding someone are a lot slimmer.


    Honestly this could go many ways. My straight friends that are also decent/good-looking have a lot of trouble finding someone as well, yes, even in college where everyone's supposed to be trying new things. Hookup or relationship-wise, it's not as easy as you'd think for straights.

    We have so many apps and websites that normal people actually use, I feel like Match.com or whatever other website straight people would use wouldn't cater to all ages, i.e., a 20-22 year old college guy.

    Also, at gay clubs, bars, and events, it is pretty easy to 'fit in' and make connections. Straight people don't have this 'niche' per se. Everything has it's ups and downs.
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    Mar 14, 2013 2:25 PM GMT
    Hey man don't worry your not the only guy that has this same dilemma, although it is a good thing that you are seeking something more meaningful. I'm a big believer that if you try too much to make things happen (spiritually speaking) your pushing too much of that energy against everything else, I myself have for about a month gone without the popular dating/hookup sites and have tried to concentrate more on my friends, family, study and most importantly myself. I reckon sometimes especially with the pressures combined from society and gay world ( i.e.social acceptance, appearance) we forget about whats real and whats actually important in life. Ok this is sounding a bit corny now, but what I mean to say is maybe try and take a little step back re-evaluate your wants first, focus on that then you will be surprised how many new potentials will come around into your life.
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    Mar 14, 2013 2:29 PM GMT
    Dutchboy said
    JerseyJames75 said

    BUT STOP LOOKING AT THEM AS THE HUSBAND WHO WILL SAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY...

    ^^^ The person who will make you happy is you.


    Absolutely! Just enjoy meeting or chatting with other guys. See them as possible new friends. If someone is more than special, you will know. If not, you can still have a good time.


    Oh yeah and this is so true and great advice, I've always taken this approach saves the tears from happening for yourself and the other guy.
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    Mar 14, 2013 2:31 PM GMT
    MashogaNubianPrince said
    OneFish saidYeah, I feel like especially for the gay community you really have to put yourself out there since the chances of finding someone are a lot slimmer.


    Yeah that is how I feel exactly. We all don't live within ear shots of gay metropolitan areas so just waiting around is dumb because no one else is going to know you are gay unless you speak up.


    This coming from the guy wearing the silver nail polish on public transportation. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think everyone who saw you wearing slver nailpolish that day had no question as to whether you were gay or not and you didn't have to speak a word.
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    Mar 14, 2013 3:23 PM GMT
    There is "looking" and then there is "hunting".

    I'm looking, more or less, for my future husband. But only inasmuch as I'm open to it happening and willing to date in that direction if it seems like that's available with someone. What that looks like for me is a very clear knowledge of what I want in a partner - not so much tangible qualities, but the way he'll make me feel - and the self-control to draw boundaries about that. Not every guy who shows interest in me is a potential husband, and not every guy I'm sexually attracted to is getting interviewed for my LTR. Some are friends, some are tricks, some are weekend flings or casual dates. So I'm looking, in a sense, but I know what I'm looking for.

    Guys who are hunting, on the other hand, will be treating every guy even remotely compatible as Mr Right. They need their husband and they need him now. Paradoxically, this is going to cause more heartache as these guys pour themselves out for unworthy, incompatible, unsuitable men and get nothing in return.

    Believe me... I've been that guy. I poured out my heart completely on men who were profoundly unworthy and did not give me anything in return. Hunting isn't worth it. Have boundaries, know what you want, and be willing to wait til you find it.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Mar 14, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    Larkin saidThere is "looking" and then there is "hunting".

    I'm looking, more or less, for my future husband. But only inasmuch as I'm open to it happening and willing to date in that direction if it seems like that's available with someone. What that looks like for me is a very clear knowledge of what I want in a partner - not so much tangible qualities, but the way he'll make me feel - and the self-control to draw boundaries about that. Not every guy who shows interest in me is a potential husband, and not every guy I'm sexually attracted to is getting interviewed for my LTR. Some are friends, some are tricks, some are weekend flings or casual dates. So I'm looking, in a sense, but I know what I'm looking for.

    Guys who are hunting, on the other hand, will be treating every guy even remotely compatible as Mr Right. They need their husband and they need him now. Paradoxically, this is going to cause more heartache as these guys pour themselves out for unworthy, incompatible, unsuitable men and get nothing in return.

    Believe me... I've been that guy. I poured out my heart completely on men who were profoundly unworthy and did not give me anything in return. Hunting isn't worth it. Have boundaries, know what you want, and be willing to wait til you find it.

    This is smart thinking. The one thing I'd add is when you're actively "hunting" you can come off as desperate and needy. On the other hand, just enjoying life and being true to yourself lets the guys you meet get to know the real you. Be out there but be open. I met my partner of six years on a ridiculous one-off sex date invitation. He was in Arizona and I was in Florida. But after some preliminary checking each other out on-line, we finally met and have been together ever since. Good luck!
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    Mar 14, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    Larkin saidThere is "looking" and then there is "hunting".

    I'm looking, more or less, for my future husband. But only inasmuch as I'm open to it happening and willing to date in that direction if it seems like that's available with someone. What that looks like for me is a very clear knowledge of what I want in a partner - not so much tangible qualities, but the way he'll make me feel - and the self-control to draw boundaries about that. Not every guy who shows interest in me is a potential husband, and not every guy I'm sexually attracted to is getting interviewed for my LTR. Some are friends, some are tricks, some are weekend flings or casual dates. So I'm looking, in a sense, but I know what I'm looking for.

    Guys who are hunting, on the other hand, will be treating every guy even remotely compatible as Mr Right. They need their husband and they need him now. Paradoxically, this is going to cause more heartache as these guys pour themselves out for unworthy, incompatible, unsuitable men and get nothing in return.

    Believe me... I've been that guy. I poured out my heart completely on men who were profoundly unworthy and did not give me anything in return. Hunting isn't worth it. Have boundaries, know what you want, and be willing to wait til you find it.


    I could'nt agree more
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    Mar 14, 2013 4:58 PM GMT
    datscarf said
    UndercoverMan said
    MashogaNubianPrince said
    OneFish saidYeah, I feel like especially for the gay community you really have to put yourself out there since the chances of finding someone are a lot slimmer.


    Yeah that is how I feel exactly. We all don't live within ear shots of gay metropolitan areas so just waiting around is dumb because no one else is going to know you are gay unless you speak up.


    This coming from the guy wearing the silver nail polish on public transportation. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think everyone who saw you wearing slver nailpolish that day had no question as to whether you were gay or not and you didn't have to speak a word.


    I dont agree with this statement.
    Feminine is not gay. Gay is gay.


    Whether you agree or not, the general population upon see a man wearing nail polish would assume that man was gay. Feminine acting men are presummed gay (even by gay men). Straight men do not appear in public wearing nail polish (especially colored polish) unless it is part of a costume of some sort or its black and they're Goths (Do those exist anymore?).
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    Mar 14, 2013 5:35 PM GMT
    tanbod said
    OneFish saidYeah, I feel like especially for the gay community you really have to put yourself out there since the chances of finding someone are a lot slimmer.


    Honestly this could go many ways. My straight friends that are also decent/good-looking have a lot of trouble finding someone as well, yes, even in college where everyone's supposed to be trying new things. Hookup or relationship-wise, it's not as easy as you'd think for straights.

    We have so many apps and websites that normal people actually use, I feel like Match.com or whatever other website straight people would use wouldn't cater to all ages, i.e., a 20-22 year old college guy.

    Also, at gay clubs, bars, and events, it is pretty easy to 'fit in' and make connections. Straight people don't have this 'niche' per se. Everything has it's ups and downs.

    Oh I don't think it's easy for straight people, dating can be hard for everyone. icon_smile.gif But I still definitely think we have it a lot worse. Before we can even take conversation, personality, looks and whatnot into account like straight people can automatically dive into, we have to first get over the hurdle of "Well do they play for my team?" and there's what, less than a 10% chance of that actually happening?

    I wouldn't say it's easier to "fit in" at gay clubs and whatnot. That hasn't been my experience. And all I see in the straight world in college is guys bonding over their attraction to women and their girl problems, things we can't take part in. Straight people definitely have their niches.
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    Mar 14, 2013 5:39 PM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said
    MashogaNubianPrince saidI get so sick of people telling me to stop looking for a significant other and just let it come to me. I cannot think of one person that has worked for. I mean obviously I'm sure it works for someone but surely so does looking otherwise dating sites and singles mixers would not exist.


    I don't think people necessarily mean to stop being social, and to even stop going on dating websites. It's more of a change of your mindset.

    When you meet a guy, no matter how you meet him, don't think instantly of his compatibility as a relationship partner. Why? Because that is impossible to know. Just get to know him. When a guy on a dating website instantly starts to show signs that he thinks I am "the one" or that we are "really compatible" it freaks me out a little bit, because he really really doesn't know a thing about me. He doesn't know that I am partially-polyamorous, he doesn't know I am incredibly kinky, he doesn't know that I make my own yogurt, he doesn't know that I like to do drag once in a while, he doesn't know that I bite my nails, he doesn't know that I have a decent amount of student loan debt... all factors that will truly influence how he might feel about me.

    So... go on websites that put you in touch with other gay men (I'm not going to call them dating websites)... go to bars... join gay sports leagues and groups... stare at guys at the gym and ponder curiously if they are gay.

    BUT STOP LOOKING AT THEM AS THE HUSBAND WHO WILL SAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY...

    ^^^ The person who will make you happy is you.


    Love this one!!!
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Mar 14, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said
    MashogaNubianPrince saidI get so sick of people telling me to stop looking for a significant other and just let it come to me. I cannot think of one person that has worked for. I mean obviously I'm sure it works for someone but surely so does looking otherwise dating sites and singles mixers would not exist.


    I don't think people necessarily mean to stop being social, and to even stop going on dating websites. It's more of a change of your mindset.

    When you meet a guy, no matter how you meet him, don't think instantly of his compatibility as a relationship partner. Why? Because that is impossible to know. Just get to know him. When a guy on a dating website instantly starts to show signs that he thinks I am "the one" or that we are "really compatible" it freaks me out a little bit, because he really really doesn't know a thing about me. He doesn't know that I am partially-polyamorous, he doesn't know I am incredibly kinky, he doesn't know that I make my own yogurt, he doesn't know that I like to do drag once in a while, he doesn't know that I bite my nails, he doesn't know that I have a decent amount of student loan debt... all factors that will truly influence how he might feel about me.

    So... go on websites that put you in touch with other gay men (I'm not going to call them dating websites)... go to bars... join gay sports leagues and groups... stare at guys at the gym and ponder curiously if they are gay.

    BUT STOP LOOKING AT THEM AS THE HUSBAND WHO WILL SAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY...

    ^^^ The person who will make you happy is you.


    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2013 8:41 PM GMT
    stop looking for a significant other and just let it come to you.
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    Mar 14, 2013 9:04 PM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said
    MashogaNubianPrince saidI get so sick of people telling me to stop looking for a significant other and just let it come to me. I cannot think of one person that has worked for. I mean obviously I'm sure it works for someone but surely so does looking otherwise dating sites and singles mixers would not exist.


    I don't think people necessarily mean to stop being social, and to even stop going on dating websites. It's more of a change of your mindset.

    When you meet a guy, no matter how you meet him, don't think instantly of his compatibility as a relationship partner. Why? Because that is impossible to know. Just get to know him. When a guy on a dating website instantly starts to show signs that he thinks I am "the one" or that we are "really compatible" it freaks me out a little bit, because he really really doesn't know a thing about me. He doesn't know that I am partially-polyamorous, he doesn't know I am incredibly kinky, he doesn't know that I make my own yogurt, he doesn't know that I like to do drag once in a while, he doesn't know that I bite my nails, he doesn't know that I have a decent amount of student loan debt... all factors that will truly influence how he might feel about me.

    So... go on websites that put you in touch with other gay men (I'm not going to call them dating websites)... go to bars... join gay sports leagues and groups... stare at guys at the gym and ponder curiously if they are gay.

    BUT STOP LOOKING AT THEM AS THE HUSBAND WHO WILL SAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY...

    ^^^ The person who will make you happy is you.


    +1

    VERY well put
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    Mar 14, 2013 9:13 PM GMT
    You are soooooo.... young and desperate. It will get better.
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    Mar 14, 2013 9:29 PM GMT
    Because every good advice was already given in this thread,, there's only one thing left to be done: e-hug.

    There you go, I'm e-hugging you right now.
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    Mar 14, 2013 9:31 PM GMT
    HotGlued saidstop looking for a significant other and just let it come to you.


    I see you read things very carefully.
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    Mar 14, 2013 10:30 PM GMT
    sanjose408 saidI'm sure the message isn't "stop looking" but more like "don't force it".
    Obviously you're not gunna get anywhere just sitting on your ass.


    This.