Couples bringing in a "Third"

  • Jockboyzzz

    Posts: 15

    Mar 14, 2013 5:01 PM GMT
    Whether it be a regular bud or a serious third. How are these situations best handled?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:16 PM GMT
    These situations are best handled by agreeing to the rules before the third happens. My partner and I have been open for over 7 years now (monogamous for 5 before that) and it's worked because we both sat down and had an honest talk about what was allowed, what wasn't and how we'd "find" the third and what to do after. It's not the sex itself that breaks people up, it is the loss of connection and trust cause by couples who betray one another. Negotiate the rules, then go for it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    Jockboyzzz saidWhether it be a regular bud or a serious third. How are these situations best handled?


    Talk, talk, talk.

    A few examples:
    For the couple: set rules, find out what you both want, what expectations you both have, feel free to say, "the first (or second, or whatever) time we will only go as far as XYZ", have and feel free to use an emergency ripcord that allows either to say, "I'm uncomfortable; we're going to stop this whole thing now." And then talk some more.
    (credit for all that goes to Dan Savage)

    The thing to remember is that this is not a porn shoot. What matters most is the couple's relationship (not that you can treat the 3rd like shit or anything), so the couple should together and independently feel like they are in control and can bail at any point. It's supposed to be fun, not a forced march.

    A lot of the same applies to the 3rd, but s/he will probably feel pretty free to do this anyway, because s/he doesn't have the same relationship involvement.

    Hope this helps
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:21 PM GMT
    I've been the third guy in a couple's relationship. I trust them and they trust me. So far its been great whenever they come to town. Although I do have a bit of stronger bond with one of them, all three of us abide by certain rules. I know I can never over rule his heart and for him to be with me. He loves his partner greatly so why should I ruin that. I'm also a free man to choose my own partner. Personally I do not want to discuss the details here. If you want to know more just private message me.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 14, 2013 10:23 PM GMT
    I think that expectations and parameters should be clear with the third party as well so he knows heathens getting involved with.

    Another idea to consider is another couple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:28 PM GMT
    Potential problem? One man in the threesome could possibly feel left out...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:33 PM GMT
    If done correctly it could work, although I have heard some bad stories about three people relationships. Like everyone said above its all about communication between all parties involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:44 PM GMT
    lagwm saidPotential problem? One man in the threesome could possibly feel left out...


    True. I was a couple's third once, and that happened. One guy I didn't feel as attracted to, so the other one and I focused on each other more, and the first guy (justifiably) was upset about it, so we called it off. It's just an orgasm; not worth causing problems over.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:55 PM GMT
    lagwm saidPotential problem? One man in the threesome could possibly feel left out...


    Yeah, you can't force it. The chemistry has to be just right. When it works... it's great... just got reinvited by a couple who thought a three-way would be a one-off, but they want more of me. icon_twisted.gif

    But we're taking our time... no rushing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 10:58 PM GMT
    Not knocking anyone else if they have but I could never do it. I care too much about my bf to do it. Besides, it seems like it would cause a lot of problems in the near term.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 11:04 PM GMT
    blasiankid saidNot knocking anyone else if they have but I could never do it. I care too much about my bf to do it. Besides, it seems like it would cause a lot of problems in the near term.


    All this belief as to what it is ("I care too much about my bf" lol) means that, for you, it probably would be a horrible idea. For those who don't believe any of what you wrote above is relevant ("care too much", "cause problems") that conclusion doesn't apply. This is why no one is forcing anyone to do it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 11:06 PM GMT
    Jockboyzzz saidWhether it be a regular bud or a serious third. How are these situations best handled?


    Probably also best if one of the rules limits repeat performances.

    Most problems I see in couples that open up are in situations where they have a 3rd that becomes a regular... and it messes up the emotional chemistry of the original couple. Seen a lot of relationships go south that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 11:14 PM GMT
    I knew of a friend who tried to bring in a third, and completely back fired on him. The third took complete control of their relationship, and complete control of my friends bf heart, ending in a broken home, and a wedding that was never meant to be. He tried to talk to his bf about aborting the idea of the third, but the bf was so wrapped up in this new guy he would just not have it. Funny thing is The third and the bf moved in together in a new home with a new car and wrecked the bf bank account. Funny how karma works.

    just be careful if you are planning to do it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 11:15 PM GMT
    torrentprime said
    blasiankid saidNot knocking anyone else if they have but I could never do it. I care too much about my bf to do it. Besides, it seems like it would cause a lot of problems in the near term.


    All this belief as to what it is ("I care too much about my bf" lol) means that, for you, it probably would be a horrible idea. For those who don't believe any of what you wrote above is relevant ("care too much", "cause problems") that conclusion doesn't apply. This is why no one is forcing anyone to do it.


    Agreed. As I've explained to many friends and some of my exes, it's BECAUSE I care about them that I want them to have the freedom to explore, and be open and honest about it. And, the same for me. It just depends on how the individual(s) involved construction their conception of love and caring.
  • blueyedgrey20...

    Posts: 285

    Mar 14, 2013 11:16 PM GMT
    Ive tried that and for me it dident work because they guy i was dating started loving the other guy so they leave me outta shit so i said ya know what fuck it you can have him im out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 11:16 PM GMT
    I have never met a "Threesome" that have been together for years..

    ..I meet couples that bring in a third..and then the third disappears..or the third takes off with one member of the original couple..or all three end up hating each other.

    ..Slippery slope I guess. icon_neutral.gif
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Mar 14, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    Seric saidI knew of a friend who tried to bring in a third, and completely back fired on him. The third took complete control of their relationship, and complete control of my friends bf heart, ending in a broken home, and a wedding that was never meant to be. He tried to talk to his bf about aborting the idea of the third, but the bf was so wrapped up in this new guy he would just not have it. Funny thing is The third and the bf moved in together in a new home with a new car and wrecked the bf bank account. Funny how karma works.

    just be careful if you are planning to do it.


    I'd imagine that is the more likely scenario, compared to all the stars aligning for 3 people to be equally attracted to each other.

    I can't think of too many noble reasons for this. Usually the more attractive one in the relationship wants to play the field and is stringing the other along so that it feels less like "cheating". The 3rd doesn't respect himself enough to find a real relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2013 11:36 PM GMT
    torrentprime said
    blasiankid saidNot knocking anyone else if they have but I could never do it. I care too much about my bf to do it. Besides, it seems like it would cause a lot of problems in the near term.


    All this belief as to what it is ("I care too much about my bf" lol) means that, for you, it probably would be a horrible idea. For those who don't believe any of what you wrote above is relevant ("care too much", "cause problems") that conclusion doesn't apply. This is why no one is forcing anyone to do it.


    What are you even talking about?
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1166

    Mar 14, 2013 11:49 PM GMT
    He's one of those tools who think that opinions he disagree with, require extra reminders that they are opinions.
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Mar 14, 2013 11:58 PM GMT
    If you want to introduce it in the safest way possible, do it when you are travelling. Pick up a random guy together and dont keep the email address or phone number. If it turns out to be a bad choice, at least he will be a total non-factor in the future and you can both move on.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1166

    Mar 15, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    Jerebear saidIf you want to introduce it in the safest way possible, do it when you are travelling. Pick up a random guy together and dont keep the email address or phone number. If it turns out to be a bad choice, at least he will be a total non-factor in the future and you can both move on.


    Unless it turns out to be a really good choice for one of you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2013 12:32 AM GMT
    whytehot saidHe's one of those tools who think that opinions he disagree with, require extra reminders that they are opinions.


    Agreed
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Mar 15, 2013 12:33 AM GMT
    I unintentionally (for real) got a hot boyfriend out of it.

    So have some rules.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2013 5:15 AM GMT
    I'll be completely honest. I'm too jealous/protective (not in a crazy way) of the guy i'm with.

    If someone else touched him, I may shank a bitch. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2013 5:18 AM GMT
    whytehot saidHe's one of those tools who think that opinions he disagree with, require extra reminders that they are opinions.


    LOL perfect explanation