Why do some people thing it's bad to out someone cheating!

  • andyb91

    Posts: 173

    Mar 16, 2013 10:30 AM GMT
    Ok I've seen my friends boyfriend cheating in a night club so I quickly got my camera out and filmed it happening, after this I left the club and told one of my not so close friends what I saw and that I was going to show the video to my friend. And he said "awe don't do that, that's not cool your going to mess it all up" and I thought what the fuck? He needs to no and cheaters needs to be outed its not fair on there boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Would really like someone to give me some advise on why someone could think cheating is ok.

    Thanks
    Andrew
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    Mar 16, 2013 11:25 AM GMT
    I suppose for some people it's different because for some it's not a 'big' deal, or it might strike a chord in some people who have done this or are into open relationships.
    Some people will say to mind your own business, but if it were me in this particular situation because I just so happen to see it, I believe it inadvertantly became some part of my business because it's not like I went about trying to find it.

    I would let my friend know, as gracefully as possible though, because if it were me I would want to know and not find out later down the track or worse case scenario 'catch' something and find out that way.

    Just my own opinion but friends who sit idle and watch something that could be 'potentially' bad unfold on a friend, isn't an actual friend at all.
    Not that I'm saying you've got to do something extreme, but I'd think just out of human decency you would say something.

    Sure some people might say "you never know, they might be in an open relationship" but if so then you telling your friend won't be such a big deal and as a friend I think they would at least appreciate the concern that you're looking out for them.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Mar 16, 2013 11:30 AM GMT
    Okay so taking what you say in your profile:

    I look forward to future possibilities rather than just current realities. I prefer to ask myself what things mean on the larger scale. I'm a 'big picture' person, I'm imaginative and creative rather than matter of fact, and prefer theoretical and conceptual work over facts and figures.

    I take the information provided by my five senses as only a starting point for information gathering. For example, when I see a pencil lying on the ground, I might notice the brand of the pencil and if it was or was not sharpened, but I'm more likely to be interested in information of a different ('beyond the senses') sort: a theory about how it got there, who it used to belong to, what may have been written with it. I seek patterns among seemingly unrelated events.

    Caution: I may sometimes need to limit my attempt to make associations. In projects, for example, it be best to get to the point quicker, shorten sentences, simplify overly complex ideas, and remove information that is outside the range of the topic.

    How I prefer to make decisions:
    I'm most often clear-headed and calm under pressure. I do not get carried away by my emotions or rely on emotional manipulation to persuade people.

    I'm able to deal with information on the basis of its structure and its function rather than its emotional content. I'm able to ignore interpersonal climates and I'm not often swayed by gossip.

    Flashy advertisements do not often fool or distract me. If I go to a store because I need to buy a jacket, I usually stick to buying only a jacket. Deals on items that I don't need are not likely to affect me; I choose an item foremost because of its function and utility.


    So are you being level headed when taking a video of your friend's BF and then using it to convince him he's being cheated on? What's the motive? What is the structure and function of seeing someone else cheat on someone else?

    You're posturing as if you're being cheated on. But you're not in THEIR relationship and using a video to expose his infidelity is a very big emotional manipulation.

    I think you need to mind your own business. Unless you're jealous or have a solid relationship with both men that has given you clear and compelling evidence that they want you that deep in their business, you should erase the video, and stop making drama.
  • andyb91

    Posts: 173

    Mar 16, 2013 11:46 AM GMT
    He's my best friend and I've just seen his boyfriend cheating on him in a night club, I also know there not in a open relationship because he told me he could never do that. So your saying because i'm not part of the relationship that I shouldn't tell him his boyfriend is cheating on him, I should just let him think everything fine? what type of friend would do that.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Mar 16, 2013 12:04 PM GMT
    I'm saying you're emotionally involved and not responding carefully and reasonably. The video is excessive.
    If you think he wants to know, and your friendship is that keen, and close, then he will believe your word. The 'evidence' seems exceedingly dramatic and not in keeping with how you characterize your usual judgment and processes for decision making.
    Did you have a dislike of his BF before you saw this incident? And I'm still not clear what you define as 'cheating'? Dud you see them fuck? Grope? Blow one another? Or kiss and make out?
    A compassionate approach is a non-dramatic one. 'Hey, are you and BF okay? Things are cool?' Then and only then if he says 'no, it's been rough' you can ASK 'well, I have seen things that worry me, do you want me to explain why?' And if he says yes then simply tell him
    But this spy cam evidence is just too much.
    It makes me wonder if you feel something more than friendship, or if you're jealous. That's cool, it happens, but how are you being a good friend by adding drama rather than leave it to them to work out?
    Are you friends with the BF as well? Why aren't you confronting him?
    For example - if I knew a person had a horrible gambling problem I wouldn't tell their family, I'd confront them and say 'why? You're hurting yourself and your family' not triangulate. That's unhealthy and unwelcome
  • Diceroll

    Posts: 224

    Mar 16, 2013 12:05 PM GMT
    andyb91 saidHe's my best friend and I've just seen his boyfriend cheating on him in a night club, I also know there not in a open relationship because he told me he could never do that. So your saying because i'm not part of the relationship that I shouldn't tell him his boyfriend is cheating on him, I should just let him think everything fine? what type of friend would do that.


    Exactly - if it was me I would think what would happen if it was the other way around. How would you feel if you found out you were being cheated on, and your close friend/s new but didn't tell you? IMO you're doing the right thing.
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 405

    Mar 16, 2013 12:08 PM GMT
    andyb91 saidOk I've seen my friends boyfriend cheating in a night club so I quickly got my camera out and filmed it happening, after this I left the club and told one of my not so close friends what I saw and that I was going to show the video to my friend. And he said "awe don't do that, that's not cool your going to mess it all up" and I thought what the fuck? He needs to no and cheaters needs to be outed its not fair on there boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Would really like someone to give me some advise on why someone could think cheating is ok.

    Thanks
    Andrew


    In the long run, noone thanks the whistle blower. Youll inevitably come off as self righteous; the dude who loves to scream "gotcha"!

    If hes such a good friend, wouldnt he just believe you? What perverse sentiment made you want to catch someones shame on film?

    People should learn to mind their own fucking business.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Mar 16, 2013 12:10 PM GMT
    Diceroll said
    andyb91 saidHe's my best friend and I've just seen his boyfriend cheating on him in a night club, I also know there not in a open relationship because he told me he could never do that. So your saying because i'm not part of the relationship that I shouldn't tell him his boyfriend is cheating on him, I should just let him think everything fine? what type of friend would do that.


    Exactly - if it was me I would think what would happen if it was the other way around. How would you feel if you found out you were being cheated on, and your close friend/s new but didn't tell you? IMO you're doing the right thing.


    A friend does not insert themselves with big dramatic acts, but thoughtful acts of kindness. It's one thing to say you have to tell them if someone died, but it's quite another to be an alarmist when the friendship doesn't make you the marriage counselor. This is soap operatic and not well thought out.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Mar 16, 2013 12:10 PM GMT
    blueandgold said
    andyb91 saidOk I've seen my friends boyfriend cheating in a night club so I quickly got my camera out and filmed it happening, after this I left the club and told one of my not so close friends what I saw and that I was going to show the video to my friend. And he said "awe don't do that, that's not cool your going to mess it all up" and I thought what the fuck? He needs to no and cheaters needs to be outed its not fair on there boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Would really like someone to give me some advise on why someone could think cheating is ok.

    Thanks
    Andrew


    In the long run, noone thanks the whistle blower. Youll inevitably come off as self righteous; the dude who loves to scream "gotcha"!

    If hes such a good friend, wouldnt he just believe you? What perverse sentiment made you want to catch someones shame on film?

    People should learn to mind their own fucking business.


    +1
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    Mar 16, 2013 12:17 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack said
    So are you being level headed when taking a video of your friend's BF and then using it to convince him he's being cheated on? What's the motive? What is the structure and function of seeing someone else cheat on someone else?

    You're posturing as if you're being cheated on. But you're not in THEIR relationship and using a video to expose his infidelity is a very big emotional manipulation.

    I think you need to mind your own business. Unless you're jealous or have a solid relationship with both men that has given you clear and compelling evidence that they want you that deep in their business, you should erase the video, and stop making drama.


    That is the strangest way to think of this situation.
    You would assume that someone is jealous because he is telling his friend when he's being cheated on?
    Does there have to be a "motive" other than just trying to look out for your friends? Is that not a good reason enough?

    How would you fault the drama to be made at the OP when it's the boyfriend who's cheating?
    If the worse case scenario happened and his friend 'caught' something from cheating boyfriend would that not be somewhat his business as a friend to look out for him?

    Hypothetically, if you knew your friend was in an abusive relationship, would you just leave it because it's not "your" relationship?

    To each their own I suppose, but I don't see how sitting on the fence helps anybody, and if you can't get help from your friends then something is wrong with the world.

    Again, as per what the OP posted it's not like he was spying on his friend's boyfriend waiting for him to cheat, he came across it by chance and so I don't think it's him being intrusive or nosy if he happened to see it by chance.

    Sometimes when you happen to see something there is some kind of level of responsibility especially when it happens to affect someone you care about and I think turning a blind eye is as silly as egging it on in some cases.

    I don't know how clear and compelling an actual video of him cheating with another guy can get any more clearer. Not that I'm saying it should be uploaded to youtube, as I said I think these things should be handled gracefully.

    If you're thinking that he would be 'ruining' his friend's relationship, again the blame would be on the boyfriend for cheating and why would you be okay with your friend living in a 'fraud' happiness. Based on what the OP said, he knows that they are 'supposed' to be in a monogamous relationship.

    Anyway andyb91, there you go you have two different opinions already. Up to you what you do from here. I believe that you should treat others the way you would want to be treated, so based on that I'd want to know if I was being cheated on therefore I would say something. Probably in a 1 on 1 conversation keeping in mind the sensitivity of the situation.

    P.S. If your friend were to actually get upset that you told him his boyfriend was cheating on him, I wouldn't say it's because you're a bad friend, maybe he's got issues he's got to deal with too but I definitely wouldn't view your actions as a bad friend.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Mar 16, 2013 12:33 PM GMT
    NerdMonastery said
    That is the strangest way to think of this situation.
    You would assume that someone is jealous because he is telling his friend when he's being cheated on?
    ...
    Hypothetically, if you knew your friend was in an abusive relationship, would you just leave it because it's not "your" relationship?

    ...Sometimes when you happen to see something there is some kind of level of responsibility especially when it happens to affect someone you care about and I think turning a blind eye is as silly as egging it on in some cases.


    A friend in an abusive relationship us not comparable to seeing your friend's BF making out in a nightclub. That's a false dichotomy.

    He can be concerned, and a caring friend without the drama. It seems far more a matter of his emotional attachment to the friend and emotional dislike of the BF than one of doing the right thing as an outside observer of what is characterized as a closer relationship (that between the BFs) than the OPs relationship with either.

    It's a presumption that the friend needs to see evidence - that implies an intent to prosecute or at least charge rather than inform and let the friend decide what to do. It implies a desire to influence the outcome.
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    Mar 16, 2013 12:40 PM GMT
    andyb91 saidHe's my best friend and I've just seen his boyfriend cheating on him in a night club, I also know there not in a open relationship because he told me he could never do that. So your saying because i'm not part of the relationship that I shouldn't tell him his boyfriend is cheating on him, I should just let him think everything fine? what type of friend would do that.

    What strikes me is that you saw this in a public nightclub. In the gay world that's tantamount to taking out an ad, and shown on prime-time television if this was a gay-popular club. What could they have been thinking?

    - The BF doesn't care if they're caught, he's ready to end the relationship with your friend?
    - They didn't think what they were doing was cheating, that's your misinterpretation?
    - Your friend has a more open relationship than he's admitted to you?
    - The BF is really reckless, and thinks he can get away with being so blatant?
    - They're exes, and in their minds a little nostalgic touchy-feely isn't cheating, since they know it's not going further?
    - His "date" was the aggressor, and with a few drinks in him the BF's defenses were down, a 1-time indiscretion, so that today he's remorseful about it, and still in love with your friend? A case where you should let sleeping dogs lie?

    I see a lot of uncertainty here, so it may be too soon for you to be taking any action about this. If it continues you might want to do something, like maybe casually approach the friend while in the act and see how he reacts, if he behaves guilty at being "caught". But no accusations, no confrontations, and probably no blabbing to your friend. If the BF's really begun to cheat it will soon be over on its own, especially if he's flaunting it in nightclubs.
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    Mar 16, 2013 1:18 PM GMT
    I'm always puzzled by the "mind your own business" attitude. If you're my friend, my happiness is your business. If I was being cheated on (it's never happened), I would want you to tell me. You're a bad friend if you keep it a secret because you don't want to be involved in "drama."

    To the OP: You say you video evidence of cheating, but what do you really have? What are they doing on the video that you think is cheating? If the BF is dancing with someone else, they may consider that OK.

    There's a reason there is an expression that says "don't shoot the messenger." You may get backlash if you reveal this. Your friend may take it out on you, even though you are only reporting what you saw. Be prepared for that and realize that it's just misplaced anger.

    One problem that usually occurs in these situations is that the person accusing someone of cheating doesn't have any real proof. They often suspect cheating, but don't really know for sure. Before you make any accusations, try to make sure you saw what you really think you saw. Don't open that can of worms unless you're really certain.

    If you are really sure that he was cheating, then I'd find the nicest way possible to tell him. Don't turn it into an episode of Jerry Springer. Tell him in a private place. I wouldn't show him the video right away. I would tell him in the simplest way what you saw. If he doesn't want to believe you, then you can pull out the video as evidence that you aren't just making accusations.
  • andyb91

    Posts: 173

    Mar 16, 2013 1:23 PM GMT
    Ok after reading everything I think I need to say I only took the video because I felt my friend wouldn't of believed me, because he only believes and see's what he want to. I think this because I've seen this happen to him before, he gets manipulated very easily by people he loves. So I felt I needed the video so he'll look past the rosy red glasses he always has on when he's in love with someone. And also it's not that I don't like his boyfriend, he's never done anything to me for me to hate him. It's just he's known for cheating. also I think I should say what I saw, it was making out and groping. I don't care what anyone says that is cheating, you don't think so then ask yourself would you mind watching it.

    Thanks for the comments they have given me a lot to think about I only saw this last night I haven't shown the video to my friend yet or talked to the cheat I'm still thinking how best to break it to my friend.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Mar 16, 2013 1:40 PM GMT
    andyb91 saidOk after reading everything I think I need to say I only took the video because I felt my friend wouldn't of believed me, because he only believes and see's what he want to. I think this because I've seen this happen to him before, he gets manipulated very easily by people he loves. So I felt I needed the video so he'll look past the rosy red glasses he always has on when he's in love with someone. And also it's not that I don't like his boyfriend, he's never done anything to me for me to hate him. It's just he's known for cheating. also I think I should say what I saw, it was making out and groping. I don't care what anyone says that is cheating, you don't think so then ask yourself would you mind watching it.

    Thanks for the comments they have given me a lot to think about I only saw this last night I haven't shown the video to my friend yet or talked to the cheat I'm still thinking how best to break it to my friend.


    You clearly care about him. That's very good. But I fear you're trying to force a behavioral change.

    It's very, very difficult to watch people endure bad things because they have character traits that bring them grief. But YOU cannot change him. Tearing off his 'rose colored glasses' is not your job. He's not a project - he's your best friend in spite of his possible bad choices in BFs.

    I promise you the outcome will be ugly, and you'll just be building an unhealthy practice (and possible co-dependency) by doing this.

    Fine to say 'I worry that BF isn't worthy of you. Please be careful. Ivecseen him in clubs being indiscreet. I'm afaid he'll cheat in sex or break your heart. Be careful. You deserve to be treated with respect." Then leave it alone! You are not his parent or his therapist. If he casts you in either role then he's doing YOU a terrible disservice as a friend.

    Care. Yes. Embroil yourself in the impossible task of changing him...meh, not good. Truly.

    Good luck
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    Mar 16, 2013 1:54 PM GMT
    andyb91 saidHe's my best friend and I've just seen his boyfriend cheating on him in a night club, I also know there not in a open relationship because he told me he could never do that. So your saying because i'm not part of the relationship that I shouldn't tell him his boyfriend is cheating on him, I should just let him think everything fine? what type of friend would do that.


    Based on this, I would tell your best friend, and your best friend only. Then step aside and let things happen between them. Give advice only when asked for it. People react in strange ways sometimes when they receive this kind of news and trust me, you want to keep your distance. Your role in this is just to be a friend, not to be investigator or TMZ or Dr Phil. Don't go telling anybody else what you've seen, allow your best friend some dignity.
  • Danskerb

    Posts: 286

    Mar 16, 2013 2:12 PM GMT
    I've cheated while completely wasted.. not proud of that, but when I drink, I get horny.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1227

    Mar 16, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    andyb91 saidOk I've seen my friends boyfriend cheating in a night club so I quickly got my camera out and filmed it happening, after this I left the club and told one of my not so close friends what I saw and that I was going to show the video to my friend. And he said "awe don't do that, that's not cool your going to mess it all up" and I thought what the fuck? He needs to no and cheaters needs to be outed its not fair on there boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Would really like someone to give me some advise on why someone could think cheating is ok.

    Thanks
    Andrew


    Andy nothing that one does in the best interest of those close to you is EVER wrong! if I were you thou I would have done it a little different! rather then confronting the cheater I would have sat down with your close friend, and tell him about it, straight out! again ONLY if you two are "really" close friends who care about each other!? If your friend is just an acquaintance or someone you only know from a distance, or at school, or as a neighbor, then no, I don't think you should not even have consider to intervene at all.

    It would have being worse if your friend finds out later that you caught his BF red handed while he was being cheated on, but you did not tell him! that in my opinion denotes that you cannot be trusted, nor you care in your friend's best interest! forget about the cheater, he deserves no break or pity at all! he is the asshole not you!!
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    Mar 16, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    I actually witnessed this scenario. I saw my best friend cheat on another good friend of mine, inside It disgusted me on how his crave for attention for men would bring himself to do this. But after we left the club that night, he started spewing all these excuses. On the outside I only just said yea, or just nod in silence. He knew I wasn't going to tell his partner, because i'm the quite type. Now they are going to get married in august. icon_confused.gif

    I'm not going to be the reason for their broken home. In my personal experience you have to pick and chose your battles.
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    Mar 16, 2013 4:05 PM GMT
    bxp011 saidI've cheated while completely wasted.. not proud of that, but when I drink, I get horny.


    So go home to your man instead of cheating? Why would you be with someone in the first place, if you're going to use the PATHETIC excuse that "I was drunk". Hoe sit down. That's almost as pathetic of an excuse as, "I was networking." Pfft...

    Back to the original topic- tell your friend and your friend only and remove yourself from the situation as best as you can. Clearly the loyalty lies with your best friend, and that is the relationship you care most about, so in this case, not telling and him finding out would be just as bad as telling.

    If my best friend knew I was being cheated on, and they didn't tell me, I would kick the boyfriend and the friend to the curb. As much as it hurts, people want the truth. ALL of the truth.

    Good luck. Let us know what's up!
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    Mar 16, 2013 4:06 PM GMT
    @andyb91

    It's a little bit tough decision...but

    We all know that if one of the two people who are in a relationship is cheating on the other...those kinda relations wont last long

    but I would do the right thing...That is inform him by choosing a right time to reveal

    consider this: If your lover cheats on you and your friend discovers it and keeps it as a secret for a long time...& there came a time when you both break up for whatever reason it might me but most probably you discovered he is cheating on you! What would you do when your friend tells you that he knows about this long time ago but he wished to keep it as a secret?
    You would most likely gonna say "Why haven't you tell me before?"
    am I right?

    and one more thing, whatever you do, do it in private, let your friend be the first person to know!
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    Mar 16, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    Tell us how this all works out.

    It sounds juicy. Like gossip.
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    Mar 16, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    running11 said
    bxp011 saidI've cheated while completely wasted.. not proud of that, but when I drink, I get horny.


    So go home to your man instead of cheating? Why would you be with someone in the first place, if you're going to use the PATHETIC excuse that "I was drunk". Hoe sit down. That's almost as pathetic of an excuse as, "I was networking." Pfft...

    Back to the original topic- tell your friend and your friend only and remove yourself from the situation as best as you can. Clearly the loyalty lies with your best friend, and that is the relationship you care most about, so in this case, not telling and him finding out would be just as bad as telling.

    If my best friend knew I was being cheated on, and they didn't tell me, I would kick the boyfriend and the friend to the curb. As much as it hurts, people want the truth. ALL of the truth.

    Good luck. Let us know what's up!


    +1

    "When I drink, I get horny" --Seriously then go to your bf, don't be a douche.


    Back to OP - I also agree that if my best friend knew something, I would want them to tell me. It hurts to know the truth, but it'll hurt even more when you're blinded and taken for a fool. It's a sensitive subject so be careful on how you would deliver the message. If he's really a good friend, he would believe and listen to you. But if he chooses to put you aside and ignore everything, then just stop. They know well enough what's right and what's wrong, if your friend had any self respect, he would make the right decision. If not, oh well... you tried.

    Good luck!
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    Mar 16, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    I think its best that you go to him directly, showing others gets more involved which makes the situation dramatic. There are ways to deliver the bad news where it doesn't make you look like a nosy friend sticking your business where it doesn't belong because lets be honest it isn't your business...but then again if it was me and my friend knew I would hope he would sit me down and be a good friend by telling me nosy or not. If you keep it a secret and he finds out you knew (because you already told someone else the chances of that increased) then you will look like a bad friend and lose him. It is a precarious situation walk cautiously, think before you speak and act and you should be okay mate.
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    Mar 16, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    Maury Povich and Jerry Springer expose cheaters all the time. I say go for it!