Coming out question

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2013 8:04 PM GMT
    Right now it is really difficult trying to figure out who exactly I am. I have created this profile to talk to guys like me, and figure out what I want. No one knows about me yet, but I am really feeling like it is time to tell them because I am tired of lying to everyone.

    When you came out did people treat you differently? Did you lose friends? My friends are very religious and I am worried I will lose them all.

    Any advice from anyone? icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2013 8:08 PM GMT
    All my friends have been very supportive, but I'm also in an industry/crowd where being gay is pretty common and thus nobody bats an eye.

    Religious friends may pose an issue since they will likely say you are living a sinful life and must "turn" straight.

    But if those people are going to condemn you for something like being gay, were they your friends to begin with? If they feel like pulling the judgement card, tell them to read Matthew 7 and worry about their own issues.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    I think it crossed my friends minds that I was gay, because I didn't date girls, and was quiet. And when I would get asked out by girls I would always turn them away. So when I did tell them I was, they kinda already figured.

    As for family, my father passed away before I could tell him who I really was, which if there is anything I regret, it was not being able to share that part of me. My mother found out at the dinner table when me and my sister was arguing viciously and she accidently slipped out my secret. "WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT GAY!" oh yes, I remember that dinner very well. Surprisingly my mother went in the bathroom, and came back out, sat down and said it doesn't matter if I was, and that as long as I stayed out of trouble, and kept my good grades up she was happy for me.

    I was very fortunate to have an understanding parent, but I've had friends who didn't have such luck with theirs. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2013 8:23 PM GMT
    I came out to friends first. good ones that I knew for a long time. they were both really cool. Then I came out to my mom. she kind of pushed me into a corner one night when it was just the two of us....and said, " so are you seeing someone???" with a happy voice.

    I got sick of lying as well and finally just said, "fuck it" (to myself) and told her I was....and his name was Johnny. she cried a lot and said "adam is supposed to be with eve, not with steve" and all the same shit I knew exactly she was going to say.

    the irony? years later (now) she lives with me and my partner. she's not supportive (i.e. she won't go to our wedding whenever we have one), but she's civil and doesn't treat us like crap. her and the bf go out and do stuff together....but I really think in the back of her head she's in super deep denial and think's we're just friends. Though I often wonder what she thinks when she hears us fucking.

    In any case, dude, tell the world to just "fuck it" and be yourself. the bottom line is, who gives a shit? people who give a shit shouldn't be in your life. if they treat you like dirt and become a pain in your ass, then just ditch them.

    remember, you aren't asking for anyone's permission that you're who you are. you're simply telling them that you want them to know what's going on in your life. it's their choice to do whatever after that.

    I think this forum will be a good spot for you to meet other guys and chat about life and stuff. Good to see you are looking for outlets, because everyone really needs them (gay or straight).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2013 9:09 PM GMT
    Time to stop worrying about everyone else... This is your time now!

    ..If you'd like to know who your friends really are..If you'd like to know who will love you no matter what..This is the test!

    ..Some people will treat you differently..some might love you more..Who knows?
    ..But what you will know..You have taken the first step in lightening the burden of pretending and lying.

    ..Remember this has been a process for you..and acceptance might be a process for your friends and family... So prepare.!!

    ..Hugz and best of luck..

    Keep posting here and best of luck.! icon_biggrin.gif



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2013 10:00 PM GMT
    have you ever came out to anybody close to you yet though? how do you feel about yourself with being gay?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    It wasn't hard for me, because I had someone with me to come out with. I never really had a coming out moment, it just kind of happened gradually as more and more people found out.
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    Mar 16, 2013 10:47 PM GMT
    They treat you differently because you're no longer lying to your friends or guarded around them.

    Having friends in Texas who are very religious could be a problem. They're most likely Methodist or Baptists or Catholic, which are all pretty anti-gay.
    Here's the test. The bible isn't actually anti-gay, and people who want to follow Christ's teachings should be compassionate. If they're all about the indoctrination, then what's actually in the bible or following Jesus's example is somewhere far far down on this list, well below judging and even below having bake sales.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Mar 16, 2013 11:26 PM GMT
    if they quote you leviticus...this is your response:


    "He who lies with another man as one would with a woman, is an abomination and deserves death"

    So...If you tell lies to your buddy, like a guy would lie to a chick, he deserves death. Bros before hoes dude....NEXT.

    I would really suggest reading the book "is it a choice?"
    Its about 120 pages full of questions you are going to face and answers to them.

    Its only a couple bucks used on amazon.

    Handy to leave around for the parents if they are struggling.

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060832800/sr=8-1/qid=1363475930/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1363475930&seller=&sr=8-1

    -----------

    I also liked :
    Reflections of a rock lobster: a story of growing up gay
    Its from the 80s and slightly out of date with the HIV stuff but most of it is still valid. he deals a lot with the emotional aspect of it, you might learn a lot from it.

    http://www.amazon.com/Reflections-Rock-Lobster-Story-Growing/dp/0932870090/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363476157&sr=1-1&keywords=a+rock+lobster

    ---------------


    I would join any university based "coming out discussion group" if you have any in your town.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    I came out in the early 90's and I didn't lose any friends nor did my family reject me. I actually gained more friends. It was a blast!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2013 12:10 AM GMT
    Thank you all for the comments it is making me feel better about it all. We will see how it goes over the next few weeks. icon_confused.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 17, 2013 2:10 AM GMT
    To be honest .. you never loose friends when you come out, because those that don't accept you for who you really are, are not really you friend, you are just deluding yourself into thinking they are your friend and you are deceiving them into thinking your are their friend, because you are not being completely honest with them with who you are. Such a sad little world you make for yourself when you do such a thing. icon_sad.gif

  • Mar 17, 2013 2:37 AM GMT
    Was thinking about your question just wondering first if you live with your parents or not anymore?
    Also if your parents are religious besides your friends?


    Now about people treating you differently after coming out will definitely happen and

    maybe a few others wont. This is all part of coming out. As you have said your tired of

    lying to everyone which I understand completely. Most importantly TIME is VERY

    valuable as we all know so as you come out this will help you find out what friends of

    yours are truly your FRIENDS.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2013 2:40 AM GMT
    People will surprise you, the ones you think will be cool may not be and vice versa.

    Honestly it was so long ago when I came out I cant really remember. Its my silver anniversary as a gay man. 25 years so Ive now been out longer than i was in the closet
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2013 2:43 AM GMT
    I've not lost a single friend due to being gay. And pretty much all my friends are heterosexual males. Your friends will surprise you, and you'll feel a weight lifted from your shoulders regardless of their response.
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    Mar 17, 2013 3:01 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidI've not lost a single friend due to being gay. And pretty much all my friends are heterosexual males. Your friends will surprise you, and you'll feel a weight lifted from your shoulders regardless of their response.


    ^Basically this.
    I don't know if I honestly lost any friends, but at least I know all the ones who matter are still in my life. I can, however, say I have not met a negative response yet. I'm very lucky icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2013 4:13 AM GMT
    Thank you all! I have actually told quite a few friends. One friend told me that if I fell into temptation it was a sin and I said it is no different than his sins on a daily basis. Shut him up really quick, but everyone else has been so supportive and it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 21, 2013 4:17 AM GMT
    Bobjones saidThank you all! I have actually told quite a few friends. One friend told me that if I fell into temptation it was a sin and I said it is no different than his sins on a daily basis. Shut him up really quick, but everyone else has been so supportive and it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

    Congratulations! Times are definitely changing for the better but there are still some rough patches of ignorance and intolerance out there to be dealt with. What is most important is how we feel about ourselves. Support from friends and family is icing on the cake.
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    Jun 21, 2013 10:40 AM GMT
    It's VERY cool not only that all's gone so well but that you had the uncommon courtesy and presence of mind to scare up your original post and tell us. icon_biggrin.gif

    What does "trying to figure out exactly who I am" from back in March mean, though?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 5:53 PM GMT
    MuslNorganLikr saidIt's VERY cool not only that all's gone so well but that you had the uncommon courtesy and presence of mind to scare up your original post and tell us. icon_biggrin.gif

    What does "trying to figure out exactly who I am" from back in March mean, though?


    I was struggling with the fact that "being gay is bad" was drilled into my head through out my life, and trying to make myself like women to make my parents happy instead of myself. I have finally realized that it doesnt matter what they think. I need to worry about myself before anyone else.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 22, 2013 6:09 PM GMT
    I've not lost any friends at all after coming out. The only anger I got was from friends mad that I didn't trust them enough to tell them for all those years. Religion is the source of evil. It is an indoctrination to explain away what isn't yet known. But mainly it is a hierarchical structure to give some men power over others. Don't live your life cowering before those people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 6:20 PM GMT
    Well I think you should spend a little more time with "You"..Before you drop the Gay bomb!..

    In your opening post you said:

    "Right now it is really difficult trying to figure out who exactly I am".

    "I have created this profile to talk to guys like me, and figure out what I want."

    " No one knows about me yet"

    "I am really feeling like it is time to tell them because I am tired of lying to everyone."

    So are you GAY??
    What would you announce if you are coming out??
    You seem unsure..

    This is gonna be a long one!!

    Some RJers will tell you..
    Come out!! Come out now!!

    ..Eeeeh.. Not so fast !!

    Coming out requires courage..Yes..
    But the aftermath requires strength and endurance.

    Honestly..if you are in a fragile state right now..wait!
    You might have to fight for yourself..

    Some will love you..some will hate you.. some will tell you your'e on your way to hell..and some will slip you their numbers..

    Your mindset to coming out should be no less than..
    "I'm a homo..Deal with it"

    Dude..if your parents give you crap..Remember!
    "Mom you have bad eggs!!".."Dad you have slow sperm"!!
    "You ruined my life!"

    Just prepare yourself..!!
    If and when you do come out..Good luck.. icon_biggrin.gif
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Jun 23, 2013 5:35 AM GMT
    I came out when I was 22, though I had known I was gay for years before that. My mom took a while to get used to the idea and she was a pain for some time, but otherwise nobody batted an eye.