Well-meaning coworkers...but they shouldn't give out relationship advice.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2013 4:00 AM GMT
    While having after dinner drinks with coworkers, somehow the topic got onto guys I like (I really didn't start it) and I felt like (though they deny) that I was being attacked on my choice of guys. I was told that I'm too picky and its probably why I'm single right now. They kept going and said that I shouldn't have physical attributes high on my list because guys can always start working out. So when I was starting to get visibly mad, people were trying to say I was overreacting.

    1- My very first and longest enduring interest in guys have always been towards bodybuilders/ powerlifters.I like a man with muscle.
    2- I've dated guys solely on intellectual/ personality traits and those have 100% failed miserably simply because I AM ONLY ATTRACTED TO HALF OF THEM.
    3- I've never dated a guy solely on physical traits (I may be shallow in some areas but I do have self respect and respect for a guy I'm dating)
    4- Guys that I have a nice balance are the ones who I actually manage to date (All the guys I've dated had equal mental and physical attractions).

    I was told that guys can change their physical looks and I said I don't want to date a guy in the hopes that he will start working out. That's not fair to him at all. When I said personality wasn't as big of a deal to me because I've dated guys across the personality spectrum and have found that I like guys who are shy or outgoing, they were annoyed that I was more rigid on looks than that. I don't understand why it's an issue that I'm fine with different personalities but are looking for a certain physical type. I can't help that I'm attracted to bigger or more muscular guys.

    It REALLY bothered me because I felt like I was being shamed for my own beliefs and interests (that developed from dating over the past 3 years). It's not like I'm some guy who only wants to date a guy for a body (hell, I can't even hookup, lol). I want a musclegeek, I want a guy that I can workout with, carry a conversation with for hours on end, get on a plane and travel somewhere with and relax next to. Is that so flipping wrong?

    endrant.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 20, 2013 4:13 AM GMT
    I don't blame you for feeling irritated, even attacked. I mean, is it really any of their business? Don't think so.

    Some people want to offer unsolicited advice and help when their own lives are totally fucked up and out of control. Or they're just busy bodies with no sense of tact or boundaries.

    That kind of thing doesn't happen to me because I won't put up with it from anyone, especially "friends." Someone starts getting into my shit uninvited I tell them in no uncertain terms to back the fuck off and if that doesn't cool their jets I get up and leave.
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    Mar 20, 2013 4:18 AM GMT
    troyboy04 saidIs that so flipping wrong?
    endrant.


    Nope; each one has an unique taste. You like muscular guys, I like people who are honest & hygienic, etc...I think, those who argued with you may also look for a partner that fits their taste...
    Everyone hopes for the best, but only few can reach it and the remaining, they either have to keep on searching or live with it by lowering their expectations...

    It is only wrong depending on how greedy or selfish a person is and how far he/she can go in an immoral way to get what they want!
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    Mar 20, 2013 4:59 AM GMT
    MikeW saidI don't blame you for feeling irritated, even attacked. I mean, is it really any of their business? Don't think so.

    Some people want to offer unsolicited advice and help when their own lives are totally fucked up and out of control. Or they're just busy bodies with no sense of tact or boundaries.

    That kind of thing doesn't happen to me because I won't put up with it from anyone, especially "friends." Someone starts getting into my shit uninvited I tell them in no uncertain terms to back the fuck off and if that doesn't cool their jets I get up and leave.


    I genuinely feel like they care but they seemed to be bothered that I was set in my interest in physical looks and was more flexible in personality.

    Harry7785 said Nope; each one has an unique taste. You like muscular guys, I like people who are honest & hygienic, etc...I think, those who argued with you may also look for a partner that fits their taste...
    Everyone hopes for the best, but only few can reach it and the remaining, they either have to keep on searching or live with it by lowering their expectations...

    It is only wrong depending on how greedy or selfish a person is and how far he/she can go in an immoral way to get what they want!


    I have more set interests other than physical but I look at it on the base level of mental and physical interest. "Am I attracted to your mind? Am I attracted to your body?" I don't think its wrong. At one point I flat out said, "If I can't get it up, I'm not dating that guy". It definitely got testy.
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:47 AM GMT
    1. I don't discuss my love/attraction with my coworkers. They say I'm a mystery man and that I'm private when it comes to my love interests. I'm fine with that for the exact reasons you've written this thread and more.

    2. No matter how in touch we are with ourselves, it's rare that we'll ever know all the real reasons why we're attracted to or not attracted to a guy. We'll think its the most obvious factors and then later on we'll realize....nope....not really the main reason at all.

    3. Looking at you're hotlist, I'd say that you may want to consider the beauty of guys of all races to give yourself max options.
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    Mar 20, 2013 7:11 AM GMT
    Myol said1. I don't discuss my love/attraction with my coworkers. They say I'm a mystery man and that I'm private when it comes to my love interests. I'm fine with that for the exact reasons you've written this thread and more.

    2. No matter how in touch we are with ourselves, it's rare that we'll ever know all the real reasons why we're attracted to or not attracted to a guy. We'll think its the most obvious factors and then later on we'll realize....nope....not really the main reason at all.

    3. Looking at you're hotlist, I'd say that you may want to consider the beauty of guys of all races to give yourself max options.


    well the thing is that I never asked for any advice. They asked about what kind of guy do I go for, said muscle bears/geeks and it went from there. they want to be matchmakers.


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    Mar 20, 2013 12:01 PM GMT
    Don't ever be defensive about what you like. I got attacked along the very same lines, being told that I shouldn't date weight lifters or that physical attraction is something you can basically overlook. I responded: "If I could change what I like and be happy with that, I'd be married to my high school girlfriend."

    We like what we like.

    And besides; the attack is disingenuous. Would they be attacking you if you were a chub chaser? What about if you really liked short old guys? Really feminine twinks? No they wouldn't attack you for your taste. Because there's no moral dimension to those tastes, but for some reason there is for pursuing what seems like the "ideal" man. But it's all just a taste. No one is everyone's type. I have a couple really, really attractive friends who will only date fat guys in their 40s. I've been rejected because I'm too tall and too muscular. It's all taste.

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    Mar 20, 2013 12:42 PM GMT
    They were just upset that they're not your type.
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    Mar 20, 2013 2:33 PM GMT
    I'm pretty sure they're not jealous, lol. one is straight and the other is a lesbian. However, they were quick to make assumptions based on the fact that I am really attracted to muscle. I am not easily pushed around and stand my ground so I don't see myself completely changing the kind of man I'm looking for. at the end of the day, I am just stunned by the judging they did.
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    Mar 20, 2013 2:42 PM GMT
    Are they in successful relationships themselves? If not, then they shouldn't give such advice. And if they are, they'd realize what it takes to be in a successful LTR and keep their mouth shut for such unsolicited advice.
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    Mar 20, 2013 2:45 PM GMT
    I think I would opt to change the subject and discuss something else. Even politely telling them that my private likes, dislikes, tastes, etc shall remain just that private, no how about those Giants? icon_smile.gif