Needing some input...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2013 5:06 AM GMT
    I used to be on here as agrisci and back in those college days, I was a passionate guy who was committed to my faith, morals and political views. I was also much more flirtatious, outgoing and engaging both on and off-line. Since then, especially much more lately...I no longer engage in any real social interaction outside work, which my clients think I am just such a nice, bubbly guy. I have no desire to interact even when asked to go out socially, and now spend my free time at the gym, cleaning up after roommates, doing projects around the apartment and watching tv on my laptop. My question is what happened to the high-spirited, passionate guy who is now a homebody who avoids conflict to the point where its stressful? Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2013 5:27 AM GMT
    Been out for over a decade, the issue is not with my sexuality being hidden.
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    Mar 20, 2013 5:37 AM GMT
    I been seeing a therapist for stress management and bipolar disorder. However, this depression has been an undercurrent despite the usual ups and downs. More and more, I just see myself as another bitter person that has kinda given up. Looking more for intellectual feedback and different inputs in addition to friends and shrink.
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    Mar 20, 2013 5:49 AM GMT
    Well, if it is not depression...
    May be, you're bored with your old life routine & want something new, something meaningful icon_rolleyes.gif!
    & you don't know what you want! (It happens, sometimes we can't decide or comprehend what we want.)
    ask yourself! you may find a solution...
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 20, 2013 5:53 AM GMT
    If you are already dealing with a therapist, for goodness sake talk about it, but I think that once you have finished school, gotten away from the fast pace of constant intellectual acrobatics and started to work a routine job, things naturally settle down. Still, If you can keep you edge, you should. You also should not be frustrated. I think I gave up and I encourage you not to do so.
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    Mar 20, 2013 5:53 AM GMT
    buddybuff86 saidI used to be on here as agrisci and back in those college days, I was a passionate guy who was committed to my faith, morals and political views. I was also much more flirtatious, outgoing and engaging both on and off-line. Since then, especially much more lately...I no longer engage in any real social interaction outside work, which my clients think I am just such a nice, bubbly guy. I have no desire to interact even when asked to go out socially, and now spend my free time at the gym, cleaning up after roommates, doing projects around the apartment and watching tv on my laptop. My question is what happened to the high-spirited, passionate guy who is now a homebody who avoids conflict to the point where its stressful? Thoughts?


    Iono... your interests perhaps evolved? I used to enjoy video games before college.. then when I hit Sophomore year, I never found the passion to play my XBox again.

    If you enjoy gym or a more solemn/intimate kind of setting, I think it's perfectly valid. As long as you enjoy what you're doing (and you're not hurting anyone's free will), then nothing is wrong.
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:03 AM GMT
    Harry, I would love nothing more to be confrontational, no-bullshit guy I used to be, to not always have a pokerface on to control my moods. However, I cannot be unrestrained and expect to hold a job or stability. So I end up internalizing it and being a martyr. The changes I need and desire require me exerting less restraint and having more control of others. This is illogical and impossible. I am just tired of people acting shitty where as I am always the bigger, stronger guy when such an effort is much more grueling for me than the average joe. People have no clue I am bipolar because of effective cognitive therapy. Maybe my issue is what I fear most, I accommodate everybody else because they are too immature or whathaveyou to deal effectively with stress or other unpleasant issues?
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Mar 20, 2013 6:07 AM GMT
    You're getting old.
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:12 AM GMT
    aidenMaximus said
    buddybuff86 saidI used to be on here as agrisci and back in those college days, I was a passionate guy who was committed to my faith, morals and political views. I was also much more flirtatious, outgoing and engaging both on and off-line. Since then, especially much more lately...I no longer engage in any real social interaction outside work, which my clients think I am just such a nice, bubbly guy. I have no desire to interact even when asked to go out socially, and now spend my free time at the gym, cleaning up after roommates, doing projects around the apartment and watching tv on my laptop. My question is what happened to the high-spirited, passionate guy who is now a homebody who avoids conflict to the point where its stressful? Thoughts?


    Iono... your interests perhaps evolved? I used to enjoy video games before college.. then when I hit Sophomore year, I never found the passion to play my XBox again.

    If you enjoy gym or a more solemn/intimate kind of setting, I think it's perfectly valid. As long as you enjoy what you're doing (and you're not hurting anyone's free will), then nothing is wrong.


    That is the issue, I want a vibrant social life and to date around a bit. However I just always feel that social situations take too much out of me. As for dating, have yet to be impressed by anybody. I am engaging in doublethink, I am the same guy with same desires but just no motivation to do so. Most social situations are agony now.
  • Lehurrdurr

    Posts: 146

    Mar 20, 2013 6:13 AM GMT
    You're just going through a phase. You're discovering a side of yourself you didn't know. Wait it out, ride it until you feel enough. Don't feel like you have to compensate for other people's immaturity.

    If this makes you happy then so be it. Find other people who are on the same page as you. People change all the time, and that includes you.
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:14 AM GMT
    LJay saidIf you are already dealing with a therapist, for goodness sake talk about it, but I think that once you have finished school, gotten away from the fast pace of constant intellectual acrobatics and started to work a routine job, things naturally settle down. Still, If you can keep you edge, you should. You also should not be frustrated. I think I gave up and I encourage you not to do so.


    Discussed this with my therapist. Medication is out of the question due to the predominance of mixed episodes and that the stabilizers zombify me! I am just disgusted with everybody because I make so much effort but despite people caring about me, they forget that I essentially live alone with not much time with two jobs so a text/call/IM often makes my day when I do not have to initiate it.
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:17 AM GMT
    Lehurrdurr saidYou're just going through a phase. You're discovering a side of yourself you didn't know. Wait it out, ride it until you feel enough. Don't feel like you have to compensate for other people's immaturity.

    If this makes you happy then so be it. Find other people who are on the same page as you. People change all the time, and that includes you.


    If I did not compensate, my apartment would be trashed, would be fighting with roomies and probably get fired. No thanks. When I try to back off, things fall apart it seems. I dug myself out of post-college failure and now am performing well at work, getting rid of debt and got my life turned around. This phase of depression or whathaveyou has been two years long and no reprieve.
  • Lehurrdurr

    Posts: 146

    Mar 20, 2013 6:22 AM GMT
    By not compensating I meant, stand your ground and command your authority in a firm way. Not back off and be the pushover. Especially now that you're turning your life the other way around.

    As far as depression, try not to over think and over analyze everything. Take one thing at a time and enjoy the little things.
    If you need a friend, ill be your friend icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:26 AM GMT
    Lehurrdurr saidBy not compensating I meant, stand your ground and command your authority in a firm way. Not back off and be the pushover. Especially now that you're turning your life the other way around.

    As far as depression, try not to over think and over analyze everything. Take one thing at a time and enjoy the little things.
    If you need a friend, ill be your friend icon_smile.gif


    Unfortunately, even standing ground will cause conflict with roomy and most gay men I been encountering. For me, if I open the floodgates of assertiveness, my aggressive nature takes over. I learned that aggressive is unattractive to gay men and just gets me in trouble.

    As for over-thinking, I do not do too much of such things since I keep busy. I think that I just need to rip somebody a new one is all.

    Friends always welcome!
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:43 AM GMT
    buddybuff86 said Maybe my issue is what I fear most, I accommodate everybody else because they are too immature or whathaveyou to deal effectively with stress or other unpleasant issues?


    Yes, It sucks to be the dominant one, especially when we take care of others...
    I've been there before and even now...some of my friends always come to me for help...& I comfort them with words, even though I hate it sometimes, even though I'm very tired and bored to repeat the same thing again and again...But, I still continue to do so because, it is my duty as a friend...
    sometimes I feel "If I comfort everyone, who will comfort me when I need help?"
    and the same goes with you...
    When I feel stressed, I'll distract myself by doing things I like...sometimes I'll not work at all for 3-4 days continuously...this is how I give rest to my mind icon_smile.gif
    I think you have already tried this, have you?
  • Lehurrdurr

    Posts: 146

    Mar 20, 2013 6:43 AM GMT
    Well it's not like you'll be staying in that place for a much longer period of time. So like I said, wait it out and ride it. At the end of it all you'll gain alot of new perspectives about yourself. A good deed never goes unpunished
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:47 AM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI remember you now. You converted to Judaism and got terrbly serious about it


    Still am very serious about it, it got me off a self-destructive path and on my worst days, what sustains me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    I think this is classic depression/anxiety. Keep working with your therapist and work toward finding new breakthroughs for yourself. Everyone is different. Hormones make the world of difference. Have you considered joining a support group?
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    Mar 20, 2013 7:04 AM GMT
    buddybuff86 saidThat is the issue, I want a vibrant social life and to date around a bit. However I just always feel that social situations take too much out of me. As for dating, have yet to be impressed by anybody. I am engaging in doublethink, I am the same guy with same desires but just no motivation to do so. Most social situations are agony now.

    Then put the work into it! Lifting weights at the gym takes hard work and dedication before you become better at it. Meeting people and being social takes effort before you become better at it. Finding love takes effort -- it will not find you sitting in the corner of your basement.

    A desired goal takes time, effort, and hard work. So if it feels like work then good! That means you have to work harder until you become more natural at it.
  • inmidair

    Posts: 70

    Mar 20, 2013 8:13 AM GMT
    I can say from experience that depression can make things challenging, and it takes a lot of courage to ask for help. It sounds like you're already doing some really good things to create positive change in your life: holding down a job, getting out of debt, working with a therapist... You're laying a strong foundation and creating the life that you want for yourself. Like many of the other commenters, I'd encourage you to keep working with your therapist and doing the things that are working for you.

    One thing really helpful thing that I learned through therapy was to understand and respect (and even like!) my own way of doing things and my own needs, rather than beat myself up for not being the way other people are. Just recently I read a book about introverts, American society's expectations for us, and how we often feel pressure to be something we're not:

    http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145

    I know that if I spent all day working with clients, I would feel drained, and the very last thing I'd want to do is drag myself out of the house and force myself to be outgoing when what I really need to re-energize is some down time. If you find yourself taking solace in chores, solo workouts, or TV after a heavily social workday, maybe that's what you need to do to recharge. You clearly know how to get along with people, since it's an integral part of a job that you're doing successfully.

    Maybe you can work with your therapist to find small, non-intimidating ways to start building more of the social life that you want without sacrificing things that are also really helping you. What if you commit to doing one specific social thing that you know will be possible in the next two weeks? That way, when the Insidious Voice of Depression comes along and asks, "What happened to that bubbly guy?" on other nights of the week, you'll have a response.

    "Fuck you, Insidious Voice of Depression. I deliberately went out on Thursday, and I did it because I want to be social and build my friendships with those people. I'm also keeping a stable job, getting myself out of debt, and creating the life I want for myself. I'm choosing to go to the gym tonight and then have some down time with my favorite shows, because it's good for my health and helps me de-stress after work. I've already committed to going out again one night next week."

    You're already making changes that are worth being proud of, and you're doing them with commitment. That pride can help you shift gears from, "what's wrong with me?" toward, "I did something today that is helping me build the life that I want for myself."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2013 11:16 AM GMT
    You made some bad choices out of college and now have acquired the sense and direction to right your previous wrongs.

    Your profession requires daily interaction with (undoubtedly) demanding and demeaning customers. You can't lash out at them as you once might have because you need the job to continue to move forward. This leaves you exhausted and introverted at the end of the day and not wanting to engage socially the way you once did.

    Eat. Work. Gym. Household chores. Sleep. - Repeat.

    Drip, drip, drip. One day turns to the next. Drip, drip, drip. One week bleeds into the next.

    Sound about right?

    This isn't mental illness. It is a need for goal setting and career planning.
    You are in eyewear or optical work, right? Don't know the details of your situation, but how about looking into an mba program or courses to develop your business acumen? Or some advanced professional development. Maybe try to make a plan for where you want that job to take you in the next couple of years.

    You are with roommates presumably because you aren't making enough money to live on your own. Same advice as above. Grand Rapids is a growing community. Probably the most economically vibrant one in all of Michigan. Start crafting a real plan with your days and then EXECUTE.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2013 1:08 PM GMT
    You may think about having long term goals and projects.

    It sounds to me as though your mind is overwhelmed with the inane, soul-sucking day to day grind of life. And that's understandable. Do you have larger, longer-term goals that you can work for and look forward to?
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 20, 2013 1:18 PM GMT
    check your testosterone levels
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    Mar 20, 2013 1:18 PM GMT
    If you feel a need to control, be dominant, then you might consider dipping your toe into BDSM. There are guys out there who really do desire someone else to exercise power over them.

    That's all I've got. Best wishes and I'm pulling for you.
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    Mar 20, 2013 1:31 PM GMT
    Buddybuff is...

    * Getting older
    * Probably in need of a mini vacation
    * Tired of his "Routine"
    * Experiencing mild depression
    * In need of some good man lovin
    * In need of a good pair of listening ears from a caring friend
    * In need of B or multi vitamins
    * Not on a proper diet
    * Is experiencing D.S.B.

    D.S.B= Deadly Seamen Backup.... icon_biggrin.gif

    Could be anyone of those..See your doc Buddy..And good luck!