Living a Lie

  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Mar 21, 2013 7:48 AM GMT
    What do you do when you found out your life with someone you love was a lie? My partner left me in January after two years of living together. I was devastated but removed myself from the situation even though I still love him. He said he was going through a crisis and wanted to be alone etc..... it turns out he was seeing someone else for months before we broke up. A few weeks after I left our apartment his new boyfriend moved in, but I just found this out. All my 'friends' knew about this too and said nothing! Enforcing all the lies I was told. How do you pick yourself up after something like that? How do you trust people? Apart from my partner, these were people I spent almost everyday with for over two years. Now it's like I never even existed and the new guy has filled my spot. I feel invisible like a ghost. Have any of you had this experience before? Thanks for reading.
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    Mar 21, 2013 7:55 AM GMT
    tumblr_mk00hlPSE81qmmxk2o1_500.jpg

    hope you feel better.

    I really don't know what to say. icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 21, 2013 10:14 AM GMT
    What do you do when you found out your life with someone you love was a lie?
    A.I would be devastated as anyone would be in the beginning...but as time goes on, even the deepest wounds will heal. but it leaves a scar to remind us to be cautious and not to repeat same mistake twice.

    How do you pick yourself up after something like that?
    A. Movies, music whatever that distracts me from remembering him...
    For permanent solution, I try to forget as quickly as possible(moving to new place, meeting new people etc.).

    How do you trust people?
    A. There is no perfect answer to this question. All we can do is trust them(blindly or based on their actions or etc.) and wait for others to trust us.

    I feel invisible like a ghost. Have any of you had this experience before?
    A. Yes I did (but not cheated by bf); but by friends in the past...from then, I had stopped expecting any help from my friends. If they do any good to me I will be very gracious & feel more closer to them, if they didn't do any I don't mind at all (since I put my expectations very low).

    but instead of not helping, what if they do evil things to me?
    Then I'll no longer consider them as a friend. I'll tend to stay away from them and live my own life...
    This is my experience...Now I have very few friends in real life, but I'm much happier than I was before.

    Don't feel sad because your friends are ignoring you. In fact you should be happy for discovering their true nature and attitude towards you. Trust me, they are not your friends(It feels like, but they are not). A true friend will never leaves us alone especially in the times of tragic and sadness.
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    Mar 21, 2013 2:10 PM GMT
    I can certainly empathize with what you are going through having been through a similar experience myself.

    I was totally crushed, stared at the walls for weeks....didn't eat, hardly slept.
    I thought I had a decent set of coping skills....but this one was a doozy.
    Finally the only thing that worked for me was therapy.

    My heart eventually healed, I feel saved from becoming a bitter, jaded, self-pitying and angry recluse.

    Dealing with trauma through a 3rd party ( professional ) always helps to put life into a proper perspective....you need to talk about it, not stuff it down where it will fester and potentially destroy you, and your future relationships.

    *Hugs*
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Mar 21, 2013 2:51 PM GMT
    Thanks for the responses. I know that there is no real answer or easy solution. I'm just incredibly disappointed in the strongest sense of the word and feel empty inside. I'm too tired about it all to feel angry. Logically I know this is not a person I deserve to be with but my heart still hurts so much.
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:08 PM GMT
    *hugs* I'm really sorry that you had to experience all of this.

    Your friends did you no favor. This is why I am a little against the whole, 'minding your own' business sorta deal. If your friends knew about whats going on they should have told you so. Instead they thought better of it. Now you're gotten another wave of emotional hurt.

    Time will heal the wounds.


    *hugs and a kiss on the cheek*
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    Write all your thoughts and emotions down in a journal. Re-read them at a later date. Write a personal letter to your ex and your old 'friends' in your journal expressing everything you want to say to them. You don't have to send it to them at all, that isn't the point of the exercise- it's for closure (your own). Let it all out.

    Seeing a therapist, as others here have suggested, may also be of great help to you.

    Don't be afraid to make new connections and friendships/dates in the future once you don't feel so raw about your current situation.

    Try to find the lesson in this scenario. I wish you the best.

    *BRO HUG*
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:25 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear dude. I know exactly how you feel. My ex of 6 years was fooling around with some douche a few months before I found out. I was hurt at the time but in all honesty it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

    Now is the time for new beginnings. Do something out of your confront zone. Make new friends. As cliche as it sounds, this pain will pass.

    Till then keep your head up. You obviously deserve better.
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    And seeing a therapist will help. It does wonders to just let it all out to a third party.
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    hdurdinr saidThanks for the responses. I know that there is no real answer or easy solution. I'm just incredibly disappointed in the strongest sense of the word and feel empty inside. I'm too tired about it all to feel angry. Logically I know this is not a person I deserve to be with but my heart still hurts so much.


    Sorry for what you're going through. I wish I could say something profound that would make you feel better instantly, but that isn't reasonable. I can offer you a few words of what has helped me in the past when I found myself in break ups, and that is to just try to move on. Things I've done would include:
    * Going for a run through a nature area or beautiful park
    * Sitting against a huge tree / looking skyward and just relaxing
    * Listening to torch songs for a week or so
    * Taking a road trip out in nature
    * Working out - cycling - swimming laps
    * Spend quality time with a good dog - running - letting him love you
    * After awhile - join new groups, classes etc. Meet new people.

    Best of everything to you. I hope these suggestions help you!
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:40 PM GMT
    Life pulls the rug out from under you, throwing you off your footing and changing your past. But our minds still live there, not just by way of attachment but by neurological pathways as our brains are in part structured physically by our experiences and so when things suddenly shift, it can throw your thinking off a cliff. You become disoriented and you experience yourself falling.

    Everyone lives a lie because truth is so malleable. Even the past changes though we would think something set there. A friend betrays you as only a so-called friend can do and suddenly the life you had with whom you had every reason to think a true friend is now the life you had with someone who always was a person who would one day betray you. The entire past changes. There really were monsters under the bed. Oh noooo.

    So how does the mind grasp what refuses to stay still for long enough to hold? And how do you let go once it takes hold?

    Jack be nimble
    Jack be quick
    Jack jump over the candlestick


    Science has fairly recently discovered the pathway of some processes of thinking that might have been suspected previously, that we can in some ways consciously change how we feel about something. Here's how it works:'

    The amygdala stores memories, associating with them emotions. When you bring a memory to the surface, it's like opening a word document and you can make changes there and then restore those changes back into memory. So each time you bring up that old memory, you can associate with them to some degree a different emotional response and then restore that for future retrieval.

    The difficulty of course is getting rid of already stored upsetting emotions which arise out of the retrieval of a memory and of course its tough to work that completely out of your head--simply because you're thinking about it--to restore the memory again without any of the bad stuff. So you may not be able to get rid of it all. But you can associate new, happier emotions with even a sad or terrible event and then when you bring up that memory in the future, you'll have some of the newly thought of associations attached to counter some of the bad shit.

    So you can think to yourself, well, as bad as that situation was, as much of a douche as that guy was, even if I was an idiot to let myself get pulled in, well, at least I'm out of it now. Give that a great big Thank God and store it for the next time that thought arises to bug you. And each time you put that thought away, think of a good reason why things should be the way they are now and associate that with the otherwise bad memory. Eventually you'll feel that change, because you created that change. And those good feelings now become a part of that bad memory. Because even the past can change.

    This is my life and I don't give a damn for lost emotions
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidAnd seeing a therapist will help. It does wonders to just let it all out to a third party.


    wait a min, aren't we come under third party? icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:47 PM GMT
    Harry7785 said
    jmusmc85 saidAnd seeing a therapist will help. It does wonders to just let it all out to a third party.


    wait a min, aren't we come under third party? icon_smile.gif


    In person.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 21, 2013 3:48 PM GMT
    go out there and start sluttin it up/. Be a whore. Have some fun.
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:50 PM GMT
    Import saidgo out there and start sluttin it up/. Be a whore. Have some fun.

    That too. And then come post your stories here so I won't be the RJ town slut...
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    Mar 21, 2013 3:52 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    Harry7785 said
    jmusmc85 saidAnd seeing a therapist will help. It does wonders to just let it all out to a third party.


    wait a min, aren't we come under third party? icon_smile.gif


    In person.


    and a "professional" counselor..( as much as WE give kick-arse advise...) icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 21, 2013 4:11 PM GMT
    Learn a lesson, find something that makes you happy and do that with passion (spring cycling is great) and professional counseling, someone who will help you to figure out what attracted you to a psychopath and how to avoid doing the same thing again.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 21, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about what happened to you. That was pretty cowardly of you X. Everybody pays in time and when they do you feel the sweetest revenge. Keep your head held up high because you are not the one at fault here and you now know who your true friends aren't. Consider them your enemy and don't bother to give any of them the time of the day, they are not worth it. Sending out some vibes of love your way.
    Workout, get ripped and get hot ... that will be your sweetest reward and revenge.
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    Mar 21, 2013 4:25 PM GMT
    Oh my gosh, thats such a terrible thing. I have no helpful advice but to find some better friends.

    And maybe feel a little better knowing that his new boyfriend will be cheated on as well. If he cheated on you, he will do it to the next guy.
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Mar 21, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    Thanks so much you guys - this really has been a help to me. I will take all you've said on board. I've gotten over the sudden death of my father and then my partner within months of each other so I can get through this. In a way I feel guilty that I'm letting this affect me as much as those other events. I guess it's just all so much at once. Losing my partner I was supposed to be getting married to later this year - the rejection of my love, losing my home, my work, my 'friends' - all in the blink of an eye. My 'better self' keeps telling me "Harry, YOU DODGED A BULLET!" but my 'weaker self' is essentially playing Rhianna's 'Stay' on repeat.
    As for therapy - it sounds like a good idea for sure but out of my budget just now - so that's why I have you guysicon_wink.gif
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    Mar 21, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    That really sucks; I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. I think time and surrounding yourself with good quality friends can definitely help. I urge you not to "slut it up" or engage in other self-destructive things though as they'll only make you feel worse. Maybe donate some of your time to volunteer or help at-risk youth. Helping other people can often put things into perspective and renew meaning/purpose.
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    Mar 21, 2013 4:32 PM GMT
    hdurdinr saidThanks for the responses. I know that there is no real answer or easy solution. I'm just incredibly disappointed in the strongest sense of the word and feel empty inside. I'm too tired about it all to feel angry. Logically I know this is not a person I deserve to be with but my heart still hurts so much.



    This happened to me in Sept. The dude had a new relationship listed and a pic of him with his new BF a month later on FB. We lived together for 2 years.

    Never entrust your happiness to another person. Think about it. You should never make another person responsible for your happiness . It's not fair to your partner to burden him with something that can only be yours alone. Its ultimately not healthy for you or him . Find / build your happiness within and then share that with a partner. Then when a slit happens , because life is change, its just like finishing a good book.

    My ex was only with his fling guy for 2 months before they split. I'm dating a few guys now and I am having really great quality time / adventures with them.
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Mar 21, 2013 4:36 PM GMT
    "My ex was only with his fling guy for 2 months before they split."

    I just found out my ex and his new boyfriend are going to be sailing off in to the sunset together in June - moving to Thailand.

    Wow. Would you move half way across the world with someone you met in November? Christ........
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Mar 21, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    cheaters suck your friends suck for not telling too sex is too dangerous for them not to warn you
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    Mar 21, 2013 5:57 PM GMT
    Fivealive said*hugs* I'm really sorry that you had to experience all of this.

    Your friends did you no favor. This is why I am a little against the whole, 'minding your own' business sorta deal. If your friends knew about whats going on they should have told you so. Instead they thought better of it. Now you're gotten another wave of emotional hurt.

    Time will heal the wounds.


    *hugs and a kiss on the cheek*


    I can relate. Ditto.

    *Hugs**