My boyfriend's relationship with Grindr...

  • Giuseppe88

    Posts: 5

    Mar 21, 2013 4:52 PM GMT
    I know this topic has been discussed before, and I've read through those, but this is slightly different, and I would like a few thoughts on this particular situation please...

    I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We met on jack'd and shortly after we got together he actually said there wasn't much need for him to have such apps (jack'd, grindr, gaydar, etc) on his phone anymore. I agreed and we both deleted them. For the duration of our relationship thus far, I've not once had the urge to check out other guys on there, or indeed reinstall any app for such a purpose. I don't really see the point? I'm happy with my boy, and he's the one I want to concentrate my attention on. Neither of us see our relationship as being open, and would consider it cheating if either were to see anyone else.

    However, a couple of months ago I noticed, whilst he was showing me something on his phone, that he had reinstalled grindr. I know for a fact that he had previously deleted it, so it's not as though the app had just been left there unused.

    Natural curiosity got the better of me, so I had a look. His profile picture was of some random hot looking guy (not him), and he'd basically been messaging a few guys asking for cock pictures. I was, at the time, a bit pissed about this, so I just confronted him and asked what he was doing on there. His response was that he just likes to check out other guys, but not necessarily with the intention of doing anything, and he invited me to look at some of the messages. I honestly asked him if there was anything wrong with our relationship (because he saw the need to ask other guys for pictures) and he said he just sometimes feels like the physical attraction isn't as strong as it could be and he wishes I'd go to the gym more (I'm by no means overweight or unhealthy). He said he likes physically attractive men, and likes looking at them. He said he loves me but wants to love everything about me.

    After we talked he deleted the app (I didn't ask him to) but I felt pretty crap about what he'd said. Anyway, a couple of months have passed after what has been a bit of a rough patch, and we've been quite honest with each other. I asked if he really does want to be with me and he said he does. The last couple of weeks have felt like a fresh start, we've really been enjoying each others' company and having fun, it's felt good - we've booked a holiday together.

    Then this morning, I went on to the App Store on his phone to download some stupid app for him just as a joke (I have no problem with him going on my phone to do anything, I have no secrets/nothing to hide), and the last thing he'd searched for was Grindr.

    I feel betrayed, but I'm not sure why. Obviously, everyone needs to find a way to release their sexual tension when their boyfriend isn't around, and I satisfy that need by going on xtube or whatever. I have no problem with him watching porn, obviously, everyone does, but as far as I'm concerned, grindr is essentially an app for meeting guys for hook ups and dates, or for dirty chat & swapping pics. He's not using his own picture, and he's not hooking up with people (I trust he wouldn't do this), but he is on there, and I am not. I don't have an account on grindr or gaydar or any other app like this because I don't feel the need to. I'm not interested. I simply don't understand. So I'm not sure how I should feel about this. Should I just accept it and move on?

    I'm not happy about it, I feel jealous for some reason, but I should - he is my boyfriend, we are supposedly committed, so why is he on there? Why is he asking other guys for cock pictures instead of asking for mine?

    We all check out other guys, we all look at porn, but grindr is just a little too personal for my liking, and I'm uncomfortable with it. He knows this - we've discussed it, yet he still feels the need to go on there, and go to the effort of reinstalling and deleting it all the time; hiding it from me. I love him and want our relationship to work, but this gets to me. When we're together we're fine, it's really good, so should I let this be a problem?

    I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2013 5:35 PM GMT
    The fact that he deletes it then re installs it over and over to hide that he is on it shows that he knows what he is doing is wrong. He is also lying to you...this is a bigger issue for you than maybe you realize....if he lies about that, then what else?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2013 5:44 PM GMT
    You know he continually lies about Grindr, what else do you think he is or will lie about? Once you know you are dating a guy who lies, you can't pretend to be surprised when you catch him in some new lie, because you are fully aware that he will lie to you at will.
    Personally, being lied to in a relationship is a deal breaker.
  • Giuseppe88

    Posts: 5

    Mar 21, 2013 6:12 PM GMT
    He's hiding it because he knows that it will bother me if I see the app on his phone. It is the fact that he's trying to hide it from me that bothers me more than him actually being on there I think. I'd rather he went on Grindr, but we chatted about it, and he was open with me, but then again, I still struggle to see what innocent reason he would be going on there for...

    If he wants to jerk off or see other guys there are plenty of porn websites, without having to masquerade as some fit model guy and pester people for cock pictures. It's way too much hassle. Unless he just gets some kick out of it being a real person who he's messaging, and maybe so, but is this not borderline cheating?

    If he's not happy with me and does want to meet other guys, then he knows what to do... I've asked him outright, recently, "do you want us to be together?" and he said yes, but given this and his evident continual use of Grindr, I'm unsure how to react.

    I don't want to tell him to stop using it or try to control him, it's not my style. He's his own person and can do what he wants, but when he's in a relationship with me and he knows it bothers me, I expect a level of respect and honesty.

    It's not healthy thinking like this, and I occasionally get the urge to just break it off, but then I think "Am I just overreacting?"

    icon_neutral.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Mar 21, 2013 6:57 PM GMT
    join grinder with his ideal man pics hit on him and try to meet. if he wont then you are good
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2013 7:03 PM GMT
    Apparition saidjoin grinder with his ideal man pics hit on him and try to meet. if he wont then you are good


    Disagree. Personally people are on grindr to meet other people. If he doesn't meet then it doesn't mean he won't in the future
    The op probably should talk to his bf about it.
  • Lucky350

    Posts: 167

    Mar 21, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    I never had much of an online life, when I was taken...

    It was less complicated...

    Now...single... Oh my computer, how I missed you lol
  • seafrontbloke

    Posts: 300

    Mar 21, 2013 9:52 PM GMT
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6xckBwPdo1c
  • wherewillwebe

    Posts: 120

    Mar 21, 2013 10:50 PM GMT
    Just get back at him by telling him that now you understand what he meant by liking physically attractive men and that you would love to make a new account on grinder for looking and admiring good looking guys....

    if he was fine with that, you know where he stands in a relationship with you. three possiblities...1) he is a care free guy and not a jealous type 2) he doesn't care for or love you as much as he did 3) he might see this as a good opportunity to have an open relationship in the near future..

    if he was upset about that, then tell him that that's how you feel about him being on grinder and ...start talking to him!
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Mar 21, 2013 11:42 PM GMT
    I met a guy on Jack'd that was in a monogamous relationship and all he wanted was to trade cock picks. I tried (and tried) to get him to meet and fool around, but he said he was totally monogamous. Just wanted to flirt and trade cock picks and that his BF totally let him. He sent me some pics he'd collected from what he called his World of Cocks (he collected them as he traveled).

    You feel betrayed and hurt because your problem isn't that he cheated on you. It's that you guys have shitty communication. If all he wants is cock pics from guys, you guys need to have an open conversation about this and make it the rule that that is as far as it goes. Having open communication about what each other wants and what is allowable and not allowable is a lot better than this deleting and reinstalling of Grindr.

    You guys need to talk about this, figure out what each other wants and set boundaries and guidelines.

  • Mar 22, 2013 8:52 PM GMT
    gwuinsf saidI met a guy on Jack'd that was in a monogamous relationship and all he wanted was to trade cock picks. I tried (and tried) to get him to meet and fool around, but he said he was totally monogamous. Just wanted to flirt and trade cock picks and that his BF totally let him. He sent me some pics he'd collected from what he called his World of Cocks (he collected them as he traveled).


    Sigh, sometimes I wonder why bother living this hard?

    If he only wants to collect pics, he can just download online. There are millions of cocks to collect.

    He likes human interaction... likes to flirt.

    Years later, he'll start doing a bit more.. like touching but not sucking/fucking... and then next step.

    It's not cheating if the other partner allows and understands the needs.
  • Giuseppe88

    Posts: 5

    Mar 25, 2013 3:01 PM GMT
    Thanks for the feedback - it's good to hear other people's opinions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 3:05 PM GMT
    chinesefollower said
    gwuinsf saidI met a guy on Jack'd that was in a monogamous relationship and all he wanted was to trade cock picks. I tried (and tried) to get him to meet and fool around, but he said he was totally monogamous. Just wanted to flirt and trade cock picks and that his BF totally let him. He sent me some pics he'd collected from what he called his World of Cocks (he collected them as he traveled).


    Sigh, sometimes I wonder why bother living this hard?

    If he only wants to collect pics, he can just download online. There are millions of cocks to collect.

    He likes human interaction... likes to flirt.

    Years later, he'll start doing a bit more.. like touching but not sucking/fucking... and then next step.

    It's not cheating if the other partner allows and understands the needs.


    or the partner drops him like a hot cake. Have your needs met by your OWN man, not some cock pic on your phone.

    Like really, you'd rather have to jack off to a cock pic on a phone then just go put your dick in your mans mouth? Options... and I clearly see the better one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 3:15 PM GMT
    This seems like typical gay man behavior....in a relationship but keeping an eye out for the next best thing. Oh yeah he wants to be with you but says he wishes you were more attractive? Yeah wow. Also a lie is a lie no matter how you dress it up or try to make it understandable. Point is he is hiding it and all it does is make you wonder what else is secreted away from you? Lies only breed doubt and more lies and if he can't respect you enough to stay off grindr then why be with him since he holds no respect for you by not staying away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 3:20 PM GMT
    Part of a strong relationship is trusting the guy you love. You asked him, he told you. We all have our own desires and needs and when you're in a relationship, they're not always the same as our partners. I think it's unfortunate that you feel he should have the same approach as you. If you find that he's meeting other guys, then that's another issue for discussion but he told you what he's doing, and although it's not your comfort zone, he clearly enjoys it. Instead of fighting it, open up the conversation about what you like or don't like and then set up boundaries for his playing around on Grindr. Boundaries like, no real pic, no meeting without first discussing, no personal exchange of information, etc. Y

    He clearly knows you have access to his phone so he knows that you're able to check on him. I say let it go. If you like the guy, trust him, otherwise move on and find someone you can control to your liking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 3:26 PM GMT
    Sounds like you have some work to do if you want to keep this guy.

    1. Work on your body. Get to the gym. (He's told you this much.)

    2. Work on your self-esteem. People with a healthy self-esteem do not let other people's actions diminish them.

    3. Jealousy. Yeah its cute and all but it will eat YOU alive and destroy any relationship you try to have with ANYONE.

    If you don't want or feel like you need to do any of these things then do the guy and yourself a favor and let him go.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Mar 25, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    Nowhere in any of the OP's post did it come up that the bf lied. He never said he'd never use grinder, he said, at a given time he didn't feel like using it.

    Nor does deleting and then reinstalling something mean you're trying to hide anything. I do that with apps all the time.

    Some people just want other people to be foul it seems like sometimes... icon_neutral.gif


    As for advice....
    I personally don't think what he's doing is much different from xtube (aside from the dickishness of wasting other people's time by using a fake account - that's hella-dickish).
    You do. It's something you can talk about, but he hasn't broken any promises.

    I do find it interesting that you noted that he felt physical attraction between you two could be stronger, but then you didn't further address that point.
    Are you doing anything about that? Or are things just the same and you're hoping that it will cease to matter or that he just accepts what he has as good enough? (Nothing inherently wrong with that approach.)


    [Also: FYI super hot people with great sexual and physical chemistry and mutual attraction, gay and straight... yeah, all the ones I know still look at porn. It's for any couple to decide whats okay for them of course, but know that finding other people attractive does not mean that you don't find your partner attractive.]
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Mar 25, 2013 3:34 PM GMT
    Apparition saidjoin grinder with his ideal man pics hit on him and try to meet. if he wont then you are good


    Seriously, it's like an especially dysfunctional I Love Lucy episode in here sometimes.
    If you feel the need to resort to espionage your relationship is not working.
    And more than half the problem is probably you. icon_eek.gif
    My opinion.
  • Giuseppe88

    Posts: 5

    Mar 25, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    This is my first long-term relationship, and I'm merely trying to gather opinion on whether him being on Grindr is acceptable or not.

    Most of my close friends are girls or straight guys, all of which seem to think it's wrong, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, so opened the question up to the gay community on here.

    I'm not controlling him, I'm not snooping on him, and I am trusting him, otherwise I wouldn't still be with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    So if he wants a guy with a better body why don't you go to the gym and make that happen? Theres all kinds of bonuses there and if you do get dumped at least youll have a better body so gettin the next guy will be easier. i wouldnt have a problem if my bf had grindr, hell would be badass to do it w/ him, and i figure if he wants somethin else not much is gonna change that so why drag it out. I do grindr a ton but its out of boredom, i drive all over town so i pop on at stoplights n see who hits me up, my fucked up version of fishin lol. i have a lot of downtime so i chat a lot, no replacement for human interaction. and maybe his pic of somebody else is to see what it's like to be somebody else. Seems like everybody does that sorta thing, look how many guys r 39

    Has he ever given you any reason to doubt him, if not then what's the problem?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    Giuseppe88 saidThis is my first long-term relationship, and I'm merely trying to gather opinion on whether him being on Grindr is acceptable or not.

    Most of my close friends are girls or straight guys, all of which seem to think it's wrong, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, so opened the question up to the gay community on here.

    I'm not controlling him, I'm not snooping on him, and I am trusting him, otherwise I wouldn't still be with him.

    You're not trusting him, you're asking all your friends to decided if it's right or not when he's already told you he likes looking at naked guys. Don't ask them, don't ask us, go sit down with your bf and have a meaningful discussion. Why does it bother you if you trust him, he's not shown any indication of hooking up with someone else, he's open about what he's doing and you discuss it between the two of you? It's an app on his phone. If the communications don't indicate he's trying to meet guys, why is it any different than looking at any other site that has guys pictures?
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Mar 25, 2013 4:11 PM GMT
    Oh yes, the cock pic. So familiar. I stayed when I found a "friend's" cock pic on one of my exes phone. I was stupid and believed him that it meant nothing. It's just a cock pic right?

    Turns out this lying, cheating, unforgiving, hypocritical manipulator was fucking "his friend" in my apartment when I wasn't around -- along with several other trashy, uneducated thug skanks (his type, I was too classy).

    You are being naïve. Don't make the mistake I did. If it was just about cock pics he could get those off the Internet. You have many things he wants, but physically you're not it for him: He TOLD you so. He is now out looking for a dude who has it. *shrug* That's brutal, but there it is.

    Before you walk away, you may try to become a fit muscle guy for him, but don't be surprised if even that doesn't satisfy him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 4:14 PM GMT
    It's only going to be a problem if you make it a problem.
    Learn to trust him. Acknowledge that you know, and that you trust him.
    The fact is, he's with you NOW. He's chosen you. So live in that reality. And "be with him" in such a way that he never has time for Grindr or any other app ;-)

    Maintain the lines of communication, be honest with one another, and build the relationship on trust, not paranoia and jealousy, which will ultimately drive him away, you both crazy, and eventually destroy what you both have.
  • Giuseppe88

    Posts: 5

    Mar 25, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    FYI I have made an effort over the last few months in terms of working out, gym, diet, etc, but that's for my own benefit. I can see the improvements and I feel better.

    My boyfriend's problem is that he's not particularly good at expressing his emotions, so when I do preempt a meaningful conversation discussing our relationship/sex/what we want (and it's only ever me who does), it is very much like drawing blood from a stone. He's a bit shy, whereas I'm very open. I feel like it comes across as me nagging him. Awkward. When in reality I'm just trying to find out what he wants so that I can give it to him and vice versa.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 25, 2013 4:19 PM GMT
    Personally I don't know any relationship that doesn't involve differences. The question is, how are those differences handled? Every relationship has compromises within it. There are also some things where one can't compromise because it is too fundamental.

    It is good that you've talked this over with him but you have to decide, is this behavior a relationship breaker for you? If so, you need to be clear about this in yourself and with him. I agree with others that the two of you need to talk this through more and decide how you're going to deal with it, establishing and maintaining clear boundaries.

    How much are you willing or able to compromise? Are you willing to find ways to be more physically attractive to him? What it all boils down to is how much both of you are willing to work WITH one another to sustain your relationship. A relationship, a real partnership, isn't only two separate individuals. It is a union of interests and wills working together to help each grow and mature.