HIV + and not on meds

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    Hi There,
    I am currently dating a great guy, and after a few dates, told me he was HIV+.
    Anyway, I have every intention of carrying on dating him and having a healthy sex life is of course obtainable, and i 100% plan on it! However, I was wondering the level of risk for me as a top wearing condoms, as he has not started his treatment yet (Will in the next 1-3 months). He was diagnosed in November, and told he had a high viral load when initially (the initial infection period I'm assuming).

    I know i need to be asking doctors blah blah, not searching for scientific answers on a forum. However, i just need some advise from perhaps people who have been in similar situations to lower the anxiety, or educate me further.

    Ive been researching extensively for the past few weeks, and have found a hell of a lot out about the virus, and realise it is not the death sentence it once was, but any informaton, advice or experience would be great!
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    Mar 21, 2013 11:10 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    Lots of neg-poz couples exist and stay that status for the entire relationship.

    ...(why is he waiting, btw?? --that part I don't really understand.)

    My first partner & I were such a couple, and I'm still negative. Plus I was the bottom, and blew him, but always with a condom.

    Perhaps the delay in treatment is a money issue, and access to limited public health services. Otherwise he should not wait a day.
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    Mar 22, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    What are you going to do when (not IF) the condom breaks?
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    Mar 22, 2013 2:28 PM GMT
    if he had cold sores, would you not wait until they were under control until you engage the parts of his body that they were manifesting in?

    if you can't wait a few months, it's more of an infatuation thing.

    there are a million non-intercourse ways to get off. viewing intercourse as the only "real sex" is the definition of heteronormative.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Mar 22, 2013 2:33 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidWhat are you going to do when (not IF) the condom breaks?


    This is why I'm always uncomfortable with these arrangements.

    Good for you, OP, for being a safe place for this individual. However, you need to weigh the risks. Sex with a positive individual will never be safe, but right now will likely be the least safe point in their medical life. If he is recently diagnosed and currently untreated, his viral load will be through the roof. If you want to minimize risk you yourself, now would be a really bad time for sex. Until he tests low or undetectable, which will minimize the risk, you are putting yourself in harms way.

    I would wait, but this choice is really up to you. Is the increased risk worth getting off together? Only you can decide that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    First of all, ALL members of Realjock have an obligation to themselves and to any prospective partner to educate and update themselves on HIV/AIDS from a reliable, legitimate source. Too many people -- especially people under 30, in my own experience -- are ill-informed on the subject and make erroneous choices and judgements. This is by no means to say you should be having sex with ANYONE you don't want to. You should however be making that decision based on actual facts, not just fear.

    Secondly, for all of the members out there who are having sexual relations with someone whose HIV status they are realistically unable to ascertain (ie. a one-night stand, a new datemate, a vacation fling, etc.) -- unless of course they come right out and tell you they're HIV+ -- you should be assuming they MAY be HIV+ and taking the proper safer sex procautions. If you're not comfortable with the thought of having sex with someone who MAY be HIV+, then just don't have sex until you REALLY get to know somone.

    For the OP: IF, as some members have suggest, IF the condom breaks while YOU are topping HIM, the risk is incredibly low that you would become infected. In fact, at this point depending on his viral load, he may be in more danger from catching something infectious -- ie. a cold -- from you than you catching HIV from him.

    My suggestion is to contact the nearest HIV/AIDS organization in your area & -- ideally with your new paramour, but you can go it alone if you prefer -- meet with a counsellor to discuss your concerns.
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    Mar 22, 2013 4:03 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidWhat are you going to do when (not IF) the condom breaks?

    Thats a valid concern. But does that concern translate into other aspects of life as well? For e.g. you could be wearing your seat belt and still get into an accident as well. So if you drive to and from work 5 days a week, you put you life at risk for a certain period of time 10x times a week. So what happens when you get into an accident?

    Just as a condom isn't guaranteed to keep you safe, there is no guarantee that the seat belt will save your life. Would you feel just as apprehensive driving as having safer sex with a HIV+ guy?

    To the OP I would suggest to wait until he goes on meds and his levels are down to undetectable.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Mar 22, 2013 8:58 PM GMT
    so if his viral load was high upon diagnosis, how, without meds, has it dropped?
    Even with meds you have a long while before he becomes in the some what acceptable range of undetectable.
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    Mar 23, 2013 5:46 PM GMT
    Thank you guys!
    Well his doctor recommended waiting until his CD4 count was lower before starting, thats why.

    My biggest concern really is whether, with the right precaution and protection (condoms etc), the fear is realistic.

    I suppose, and as xanadude has stated, many people have one night stands without truly knowing the others HIV status (and infact, without them knowing themselves), within the acute period being risk is at its highest.

    Thanks agian!
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    Mar 23, 2013 6:06 PM GMT
    RedWhiteBlue saidif he had cold sores, would you not wait until they were under control until you engage the parts of his body that they were manifesting in?

    if you can't wait a few months, it's more of an infatuation thing.

    there are a million non-intercourse ways to get off. viewing intercourse as the only "real sex" is the definition of heteronormative.


    We are having alot of fun at the moment, but im talking about 'when' we decide and if so, what are my risks if we decide to before he has started his medication.
  • Frostbitblue

    Posts: 22

    Mar 23, 2013 6:07 PM GMT
    Waiting until his CD4 count drops to start meds is an outdated way of thinking. He may want to see a more progressive doctor.
    Also, "undetectable" only applies to blood. His semen will be unaffected by the medication.
    He needs you and anyone else to wear condoms as well. Even though he has HIV he can still get HIV. There are various stains of the virus. He may need to take different drugs for each strain he has or could get. Multiple drugs ups his chances for bad side effects. Not to mention very high costs of the drugs.

    So..fuck him with a condom, and don't suck his dick.There ya go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2013 9:02 PM GMT
    I'm old skool. I personally recommend treatment sooner rather than later. However, I am not a physician.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Mar 24, 2013 1:46 AM GMT
    Latenight30 saidso if his viral load was high upon diagnosis, how, without meds, has it dropped?


    The same way the "viral load" of influenza drops without meds, by the body's own white blood cells.

    At any rate, OP, I don't see any harm in holding off on sex if you two are both into each other. But if you insist, top him with a condom and refrain from oral. But I say wait.

    I continue to believe it's safer hooking up with healthy, undectable, honest poz guys than promiscuous guys who either don't know their current status or are lying about it, and who are therefore untreated and more contagious that your healthy poz buddy.

    The latter group is epidemic here in West Hollywood. Nearly all new infections here are dudes who report having HIV- partners (they thought) only. Number crunching officials have determined that as low as 40% but as high as 60% of gay males here are HIV+ but only 20% know about it and less than that are being treated for it. I'm training to be a counselor, and I'm still astonished at how many guys after being informed of having the virus don't bother to seek treatment.

    I KNOW someone who is poz, not in treatment, and not telling any of his (mulitple) partners. The confidentiality of my role requires silences, but on the other hand I'm pretty sure that whole scene queen group he runs has the virus and either doesn't know it or isn't disclosing.
  • Whipmagic

    Posts: 1481

    Mar 24, 2013 2:19 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidWhat are you going to do when (not IF) the condom breaks?

    As a last line of defense, you may want to go on post-exposure prophylaxis. It's not a sure thing, but certainly better than just hoping for the best when the condom breaks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2013 4:33 AM GMT
    Great questions and Man I congratulate you on your commitment to this relationship! Very refreshing! If you're going to be having sex with him before he starts meds, use condoms EVERY time you have sex. Have oral sex with barrier protection every time you have oral sex. When people are on HAART (Highly Active Antiretroviral Therapy = at least 3 fully active drugs from 2 different classes of drugs), and they are committed to their therapy, taking them daily without fail and they achieve undetectable plasma (blood) viral load, then their risk of infecting their partners is decreased dramatically, like 96% decreased. People who are not on HAART and who do not have an undetectable viral load are more likely to infect their partners. Being a top does not mean you can't be infected. If you love him, if you love yourself, be smart, be safer. Encourage him to start and stay on meds, and you guys use protection, even when he's undetectable! So there! You talked to a doctor on this site lol God Bless icon_biggrin.gif