How to know if your guy is selfish?

  • jordon21

    Posts: 43

    Mar 22, 2013 1:19 PM GMT
    I've been involved with this guy for close to seven months now, which has been my first serious relationship. I don't really have much relationship experience which is why i'm posting this topic.
    Here's the situation: I'm a student, dating a guy who is 2 years older than me. He is not particularly the academic type, which is why he has never studied beyond high school. However he has worked his way up to managerial positions in his working career. Its a bit of an awkward thing to discuss, but i'm sure everyone must encounter it. We split bills 50/50 and have done so from the start, even though I don't work and he does. I'm not one to ask for free handouts, but I imagined that my partner would be a little generous sometimes given the situation. However there has been few opportunities for him do be so, since he always manages to spend his way to the point of being broke a few days before pay day, upon which he gets bailed out by his parents. It gets on my nerves a bit, especially since we hardly ever go out together. Whereas he eats out with one or two of his friends everyday, goes shopping with them, and does whatever he does. I discovered 5 months into the relationship that he had had serious debt problems that he had kept from me, and that he is still repaying stuff off through some debt help system.
    There's been a few times when I have tried to end it, but foolishly I give it another go based on changes the guy promises to make, but which turn out to be temporary ones, in particular his spending habits. Is it too much to expect my guy to take me out once in a while for a "free lunch", or am I disillusioned about how things should work? Is he being selfish or am I expecting too much because I have yet to learn what's the norm?
    The finance stuff aside... These kind of traits seem to be displayed in the bedroom as well. I know that everyone has a right to have a preference on what they like and what they don't. But how do you draw the line between being with a guy who does not compromise at all, and accepting it merely as preference? To be more specific, I am a bottom guy mostly, however I would like to top now and again just for the experience and to change things up. I would like him to blow me now and again (swallowing would be done over his dead body). I would like him to cuddle me at night. However none of these happen for me, since he would never compromise. If I never made the first move to be intimate then I guess we would never have sex, and by sex I mean he is only into anal sex. He doesn't deem any other form of pleasure as worth the effort.
    Is it me or is my guy selfish? Is there hope; what is your opinion; and what would you do if you were in my situation?
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Mar 22, 2013 1:27 PM GMT
    Ummmmmm


    To be blunt he sounds selfish from what you've posted. It's useless to try and change someone. He kinda sounds a little bit like my ex on the intimacy issues - but my ex compromised. Are you afraid to raise these issues with him. Honestly, if it doesn't seem to change and you're unsatisfied with the relationship don't be afraid to end it. It'll be hard but after you'll realise that you need to put yourself first (obviously with compromises!)
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    Mar 22, 2013 1:40 PM GMT
    In love there is compromise between the partners & if that doesn't exist...sooner or later it may lead to quarrels followed by break up!

    So, based on what you say, it's overwhelming for you to compromise and whereas he doesn't care for you!

    Is there hope; what is your opinion; and what would you do if you were in my situation?
    A. Hope- If you love him, Yes! may be.
    If I were you, I would avoid him temporarily (from sex too...) and see how he reacts from it...& then depend on his reaction, I will decide what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    I am going to be bloody blunt , what are you staying with this selfish galah ?
    Love is shown thru compromise and respect , and he has none of both ...You are smart , well educated and handsome , you can find a better bloke to share your life with !!!
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    Mar 22, 2013 4:35 PM GMT
    I know we don't have both sides of the story, but I'd still wager he's not a good person to be with.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Mar 22, 2013 4:41 PM GMT
    redacting saidI know we don't have both sides of the story, but I'd still wager he's not a good person to be with.


    ^this. If you can, ask him what he likes about you. If it's constantly coming back to how you do things for him, then this should be quite obvious.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Mar 22, 2013 4:47 PM GMT
    I don't know about the finance stuff.
    A fair bit of the financial complaints (e.g. he's in debt and doesn't save money) really sound like things that aren't at all your business given the level of relationship you're in (just bf's for a few months).

    As for him paying for you more often. That can go either way. It's nice, but it's not really an obligation either. And it's not as though this guys seems to have a good grasp on money.

    That said: sexually, an issue that inherently involves you both and how you relate, your complaints have more weight. Mind you, it's not that he's doing something objectively wrong (one can armchair psychoanalyze, but let's not). It's that you don't seem to find sex very fulfilling (perhaps I'm reading too much into this).

    Really serious relationships involve compromise to work. But compromise is no one's obligation. No one is 'wrong' for not compromising. The reason is that no one forces you into a relationship.
    The sexual/affection issues are worth bringing up. But if he's not willing to change and you're not satisfied then that just means you're not compatible.
    The answer (again, if he's not going to change, which is his right) is to go search for something/someone that will satisfy you in that department.

    Whether that means breaking up or opening the relationship depends on you guys.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Mar 22, 2013 5:00 PM GMT
    first of all the money thing. 50/50 is all you can hope for to be fair. Its nice to be treated once in a while, but if you are broke and he is broke..well you both have the same excuse. I would run from someone working and seriously in debt though. That problem will only get worse. If he is not working and in debt that would be different.

    On the sex side, DUMP HIS ASS. Its okay to be a top or bottom, but there is no excuse whatsoever not to suck your dick, cuddle, massage, etc.

    You look like a fucking stud, if you walked into a gay bar an undid your fly there would be a LINEUP to suck on your cock, fuck you, and have you fuck them. Take you home and cuddle all night. You have no reason to put up with less.

    You didnt mention a single thing you like about this guy...that should tell you what you need to know.

    Plus your profile says "monogamous relationship searching for hookups" ??

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    Mar 22, 2013 6:18 PM GMT
    You know they are when you stand in front of them, sobbing hysterically, and they still look you in the face and lie to you.
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    Mar 22, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    jordon21 said...we hardly ever go out together. Whereas he eats out with one or two of his friends everyday, goes shopping with them, and does whatever he does....


    That's all you need to know.
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    Mar 22, 2013 6:35 PM GMT
    Apparition said...
    Plus your profile says "monogamous relationship searching for hookups" ??


    Yeah... WTF is that all about? icon_lol.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 22, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    you're just being used. you are what you might call, a convenince. lose him now while you still have your dignity.
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    Mar 22, 2013 6:40 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidyou're just being used. you are what you might call, a convenince. lose him now while you still have your dignity.


    +1 very True...as he says

    otherwise you'll end up like Britney Spears.
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    Mar 22, 2013 6:43 PM GMT
    You've gotten a pretty fair idea from what we think of the guy.

    DUMP his ass an move on.
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    Mar 22, 2013 6:50 PM GMT
    If you are still feeling this way after 7 months...then you probably will feel that way for another 7. Unless there are a bunch of pros we aren't hearing. I was just talking to this guy for about a month before I could let my instincts take over and move on. Follow your instincts and drop him. He's not worth the stress icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2013 8:14 PM GMT
    jordon21 saidI've been involved with this guy for close to seven months now, which has been my first serious relationship. I don't really have much relationship experience which is why i'm posting this topic.
    Here's the situation: I'm a student, dating a guy who is 2 years older than me. He is not particularly the academic type, which is why he has never studied beyond high school. However he has worked his way up to managerial positions in his working career. Its a bit of an awkward thing to discuss, but i'm sure everyone must encounter it. We split bills 50/50 and have done so from the start, even though I don't work and he does. I'm not one to ask for free handouts, but I imagined that my partner would be a little generous sometimes given the situation. However there has been few opportunities for him do be so, since he always manages to spend his way to the point of being broke a few days before pay day, upon which he gets bailed out by his parents. It gets on my nerves a bit, especially since we hardly ever go out together. Whereas he eats out with one or two of his friends everyday, goes shopping with them, and does whatever he does. I discovered 5 months into the relationship that he had had serious debt problems that he had kept from me, and that he is still repaying stuff off through some debt help system.
    There's been a few times when I have tried to end it, but foolishly I give it another go based on changes the guy promises to make, but which turn out to be temporary ones, in particular his spending habits. Is it too much to expect my guy to take me out once in a while for a "free lunch", or am I disillusioned about how things should work? Is he being selfish or am I expecting too much because I have yet to learn what's the norm?
    The finance stuff aside... These kind of traits seem to be displayed in the bedroom as well. I know that everyone has a right to have a preference on what they like and what they don't. But how do you draw the line between being with a guy who does not compromise at all, and accepting it merely as preference? To be more specific, I am a bottom guy mostly, however I would like to top now and again just for the experience and to change things up. I would like him to blow me now and again (swallowing would be done over his dead body). I would like him to cuddle me at night. However none of these happen for me, since he would never compromise. If I never made the first move to be intimate then I guess we would never have sex, and by sex I mean he is only into anal sex. He doesn't deem any other form of pleasure as worth the effort.
    Is it me or is my guy selfish? Is there hope; what is your opinion; and what would you do if you were in my situation?


    He has no skills, and mooches off his folks and you. 50/50 split is the right thing. He owes you nothing, including money, etc. If he mooches from his parents, and is irresponsible in his spending, and it's not your money, that's between his bank, his parents, and not you (unless you're acting as an enabler).

    You have different sexual interests, and either you haven't communicated them, or he doesn't care. You either accept that, or choose another person. Sex is not the sound basis for a relationship, but, is part of the overall package. The first person you need to talk to is him, which you should have done long ago.

    You need to END this situation. You're not happy. There are 7 BILLION other folks to choose from.

    Never forget: you can only change you.

    Time to move on.
  • Lucky350

    Posts: 167

    Mar 22, 2013 9:03 PM GMT


    Hey!

    We sensitive guys need comfort dammit!

    You could say how you feel in a funny way...

    Example...

    "I'm gonna go comfort the pillow upstairs, we finally have a relationship"

    If it gets boring, stay fun!

    A guy who could make the best out of any situation, is so attractive...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2013 9:13 PM GMT
    According to your profile, and your post, you need to do some inner searching on what you really want. There are a few contradicting statements.
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    Mar 22, 2013 9:14 PM GMT
    Preach it Toni!
    icon_lol.gif


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    Mar 22, 2013 9:38 PM GMT
    Wow, there are SO MANY red flags in your story and being selfish is only a small part of it. This guy needs to grow up and learn what it's like to be responsible, considerate, giving and sharing. I'd say 2 years was a gift from you. I'm not one to cut and run usually but I would not be able to deal with all of this. At some point you must ask yourself, is it all worth it? Am I EVER going to be happy? Will I EVER be satisfied? I'm guessing you won't and you're just prolonging the agony.

    He needs to learn how to manage his resources, to include money, time, and people. He is selfish, but not just with respect to his money but his time and activities with you. Relationships are built on trust, understanding, sharing and love, you need to show some of these on occasion.

    I agree there are always 2 sides to a story so in all fairness, I'm basing my opinions only on what you've indicated. I'd say break it off and find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are.
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    Mar 22, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    I don't see this as an issue of selfishness, but trust. If he wasn't honest about this up front, then there are clear trust issues.

    You need to be very careful when it comes to finances. Do not ever cosign or allow your credit scores to be co-mingled if you haven't already - cause it will mess you up - even if you split from him.

    Best of luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    Ummm why are you splitting bills? After only 7 months your already living together?

    I know, I know so much more going in but I couldn't get passed that one.

    Move out!
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Mar 24, 2013 2:04 AM GMT
    When they lie, cheat, manipulate, cheat, magnify your mistakes and minimize theirs, cheat, use your flaws to justify the most vile behavior, cheat, steal, and cheat, refuse to change, cheat, take take take and never give back, cheat, try to isolate you from friends, cheat, cry crocodile tears that mean nothing, and cheat.

    Jordon, your dude's refusal to compromise is a red flag. Talk to him about it, ask him to cut it out, and see if he tries. If he refuses to change, that your sign.
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    Mar 24, 2013 2:24 AM GMT
    Hey bud, things:

    1. Isn't it kind of fast to be living with someone after only seven months of dating?
    2. You should end the relationship now. It sounds as if you two are not compatible and he is not making you happy. If you stay in the relationship things will only get worse.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 2:45 AM GMT
    It sounds like you've already answered your own question.
    You just want validation.

    Talk to him.

    You'll either get your validation, or things will change.