My ex / gay best frd starting to make me feel unwelcome

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 12:52 PM GMT
    I broke up with my ex a year ago, but stayed friends... he's my closest gay friend in fact, and I hang out with him and his friends several times a week, more often than any one of his friends. He has been like a mentor, guiding me in the ways of the gay, and inviting me to everything. We have a primary and secondary group of gay friends; though there's a bit of overlap between the groups, we seem to hang out with either one group or the other, increasingly the secondary group.

    Given the amount of time we've spent together, it has always bothered me that, with group events, by the time he invites me everything is already arranged. Yet, when I do show up, he always ends up spending the most time talking to me, or privately giving me the low-down on the unspoken social situation unfolding. Lately the invites seem obligatory... "we're going to such-and-such place tomorrow night, come if you're bored". I don't know why he's acting this way, but I'm indeed bored and refuse to take the hint!

    At the pub today with our secondary group of friends, he discreetly told me that "some" friends are asking him why he's still friends with me. I asked what problem could these friends possibly have with me, but my ex couldn't articulate the reason... he seemed to want to use my own quotes against me, linking my general cynicism with stated-vs-actual reasons for what people do, to him being unable to think of a cold functional reason for why we're friends. I said that the same can be asked of any other one of his friends; he agreed but still seemed to defend the question.

    I asked who said this... he said "almost everyone" in the primary friend circle, ie: not the guys currently present. I've long begun to suspect the truth of his words during his "discreet" mode, so i continued the conversation in my outdoor voice, hopefully so others could hear and verify his claims. Another friend chimed in "yeah, who asks stuff like that??" "It makes no sense if they don't give a specific reason!". My ex was increasingly uncomfortable and insisted that the discussion is none of their business, but the other friend and I wouldn't let up, so he made a few unsuccessful attempts to change the subject but eventually got out of it.


    Another time, he invited me to a friend's house party, telling me to bring some hard liquor as a gift for the host (since i'm apparently otherwise too retarded to know to do so). I arrived at the same time as another guest, a mutual friend. My ex let that guy in, but proceeded to check my bag for the requested liquor, as if he's the bouncer at a club. Then he told me to make it obvious to the host that I brought him a gift, (because last time I just set it on the counter and the host felt slighted... according to him)


    I've also been disturbed by what he says about me when I'm not around. For example, I was flustered one day when I bumped into one of his friends at the gym while in a sweaty, unflattering state. My ex knew it was because I had a crush on that friend, but when the friend asked him why I was being awkward, my ex apparently explained that "sometimes he's like that with new friends". Compared to THAT, I would have preferred he told the truth, but he countered that he "wasn't sure what to say". There's a few other examples where he admitted to not speaking of me in a positive light behind my back (seemingly when it was inevitable that I'll find out anyway), but always had some sort of "well intentioned" excuse.

    I've come to realize that it'll be nearly impossible to get my ex to have an honest conversation about this, as he's been keeping everyone happy with his white lies for too long. Everytime I question him about something he said, he'll pretend not to remember, or that what was said was irrelevant because he was drunk. But I'm not one to just run away from situations and "simply" make new friends if there are issues with my existing circle of friends. I want to diagnose the underlying problem and fix it, but don't know how and where to begin.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Mar 24, 2013 2:37 PM GMT
    This man is NOT your friend anymore.


    icon_idea.gif
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Mar 24, 2013 2:44 PM GMT
    Agreed. He is not your friend anymore. The relationship is over and it seems he is checking out of the friendship as well. Drop him. Friendships can end just like relationships.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 2:54 PM GMT
    You need to set boundaries.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 3:00 PM GMT
    ^^^^ Agree with 3 previous replies above.

    Like in a child custody settlement, let him have the primary friends, you take the secondary.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 3:12 PM GMT
    I'm thinking he still wants to be friendly with you, on some level; but wishes you had your "own life," and doesn't know how to express himself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    Sounds like you just need to stop hanging with that group of people. I know it sucks even when you're bored and want to have an active social life... but sounds like those type of people aren't really your "friends" anyways.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 3:32 PM GMT
    OP, this sounds like my ex / friend. He is being manipulative and hurtful at your expense. Dump him at once and start cultivating your own true friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 3:43 PM GMT
    Doesn't sound like you have many close ties besides him to any of the people in the groups you hang out with. He is always letting you know what is going on, they are talking to him abut you behind your back. Obviously I don't know for sure from just reading the description. If you do value these groups of friends - try to build stronger ties with the individuals you feel the closest connections to and distance yourself a bit from your ex at these social functions - otherwise you may be perceived as clingy and monopolizing your ex from interacting with the other people. To me it sounds like your ex is actually trying to help you fit in with them and not pushing you away. (The whole host gift thing could be in reaction from a comment from one of them and he was tying to make sure you got the credit you deserve.) Otherwise you're just a friend to them by association of your ex.
  • Markebri

    Posts: 110

    Mar 24, 2013 6:30 PM GMT
    Wash your hands with them, especially the ex. Sounds like a whole bunch of melodrama that I wouldn't even waste my one ounce of energy on.I wouldn't even associate myself with those people if one checked my bag to assure himself whether or not I brought the requested liquor for a party. That is just superficial behavior, and a gift should not be an expectation, but a suggestion of kindness. My point being...find new friends that appreciate and like you for your qualities because obviously those guys do not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2013 7:13 PM GMT
    Deep seated issues brewing here..

    ..You two should not spend that much time together.. Break the unhealthy dependency.

    ...Your Ex keeps you close .. mainly to keep an eye on you..!

    ... He will not stand up for.. or defend you in the case of misunderstandings..
    Is this his way of "Demonizing" you.??

    Try this as en experiment...

    ..Try not to hang out with him/ them for a month..
    ..Do your own thing..
    Watch him go nuts!!

    Come back to this thread and fill us in.

    Cheer up dude.. no one needs crappy friends. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 24, 2013 8:36 PM GMT
    ^^That seems kinda passive aggressive. If I do that, he'll probably just call/text me asking "why are you avoiding us??" And then I explain the problem? Seems like a waste of time to make a point lol.

    I do have at least one other friend in this circle with whom i do have good conversations and spend even more one-on-one time than with my ex, due to convenience and similar careers. (with my ex, we pretty much only hang out in the context of group settings now, where the conversation is never that deep). This friend was originally my ex's close friend, but he sort of receded from the circle and strangly it's becoming my job to forward him all the invites. My first course of action is to consult him about this, now that this weekend's events have sort of reached a tipping point. Then I'll talk to my ex.

    But yeah I always knew most of them weren't the best quality friends... the main reason why I'm with them is because I'm new to the city and don't have any other gay friends (and it's harder to really connect with straight friends or meet guys through my straight friends). I've always operated under the assumption that once I settle into a long-term relationship, I'd discard most of my gay friends, and keep just the ones with good character
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 1:34 AM GMT
    The point was for you to realize you don't need that kind of crap..and maybe for them / him to realize..you can do your own thing..!!

    ..Hopefully he'll be honest with you..and I hope your other friends will treat you better..!

    ..Passive aggressive??..eeehh...

    Some folks think they are doing you a favor by being friends with you..

    What you and I have in common is the ideal that we can talk through issues..
    ..That only works if both partys are honest and care enough to accomplish improvements.

    .. I don't think he is honest or he cares..
    BTW.. I 'love the way YOU care'..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 1:55 AM GMT
    Am I the only one who thinks these problems are trivial?
  • heyom

    Posts: 389

    Mar 25, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidAm I the only one who thinks these problems are trivial?


    I think i agree with you. They don't seem that "big"
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    Mar 25, 2013 2:20 AM GMT
    Sounds like this is one relationship that's getting too complicated, if you are able to write so much about how it distresses you icon_eek.gif

    I would honestly just cut it off. But that's just me, I hate doubting other peoples' intentions.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Mar 25, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    When your ex tells you what others are saying about you, he is probably making it up to manipulate you. If he insists on gossiping, drop him.

    It may look as though he is telling you what you need to know to fit in, but if you have to take care to do certain things to fit in, consider whether it is worth constantly making compromises to fit in. True friends would let you be yourself.

    There are times when we find out who our real friends are; there can be both good and bad surprises.
  • blueyedgrey20...

    Posts: 285

    Mar 25, 2013 2:29 AM GMT
    hesa bitch and honey exes aint ever your freind
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 2:32 AM GMT
    I read the first few paragraphs, and after all that, he's not worth it. Drop him. He's out to create drama.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2013 2:46 AM GMT
    heyom said
    SkittleGangsta saidAm I the only one who thinks these problems are trivial?


    I think i agree with you. They don't seem that "big"


    Our problems are relative..
    If I were homeless ..and the only thing I had for shelter was a cardboard box with a hole...and it started raining... My time and energy would be disrupted by..'A cardboard box with a hole'.. See the context?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2013 3:00 AM GMT
    I discussed this over dinner yesterday with that friend who is close with both of us, and he said that my ex might still have feelings for me (even though he's been with his new bf for almost the same duration as our relationship), and might be trying to keep his distance by falsely implying, in the nicest and most convoluted way possible, that I wasn't welcome in the group. Strangely though, his boyfriend has been nicer to me than even the newer regulars in our group, despite my rejecting him online in the past.

    A new factor that came up was the apparent rumour (somewhat true) that I dumped him with a kinda hurtful explanation (ie: my general discomfort with his morals, white lies, and fear over what wrongs he might be capable of rationalizing in the future). Perhaps his friends still resent me for it. Not sure why it would be an issue now, almost a year later.

    The other possibility is that he's beginning to believe that one shouldn't remain such close friends with ex's. I've always assumed he had no problem with it, because he's friends with most of his ex's (who often hang out with us)... but perhaps not nearly to the same extent

    We exchanged a series of texts where basically he insisted that he was drunk, didn't mean what he said, that I've been doing fine all these years, that I'm making new friends these days, hence he shouldn't judge me for being too unfiltered in my honesty with people. Of course, that seemed to further reinforce my suspicion that all this gossip is him trying to gently pass me off to another group of friends, especially with all his coaching and lecturing about social etiquette.

    We agreed to have an in-person conversation at the next opportunity. I'm wondering if our other friend should be part of it, just to moderate lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2013 5:38 AM GMT
    best of luck with this. For some reason, you sound like a catch, despite all the stuff you admit to in this thread and that other one about the visiting guy
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Mar 27, 2013 5:52 AM GMT
    Drama drama drama. Sounds like you need to make friends who are not tied to your ex, but frankly it also sounds like you enjoy the drama on some level.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2013 5:58 AM GMT
    apparently you haven't taken his hints!! icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 30, 2013 6:20 PM GMT
    A couple days ago, I was having drinks with him, his boyfriend and our other close friend, and at some point he initiated "the talk". I said "this is a bad time, let's not do this in front of these two". (Actually I was only uncomfortable with his boyfriend being there, because the conversation might hurt his impression of my ex). My ex was like "meh, this is private enough", and insisted despite my warnings.

    Long story short, it turned out he wasn't trying to push me away at all. He just didn't want me to turn into "that friend" who others secretly didn't want to be around with. My ex explained that many gays are sensitive, being rejected for being gay, and needed the fake smiles and vapid backpatting to carry on. I had a hard time believing that my lack of filters was what offended his friends to this degree, but apparently that was all it took. I wouldn't have believed this, except our friend also agreed with him. However, his boyfriend insisted that he hasn't noticed anything atypical about my attitude/behaviour.

    I'm glad I didn't ask about my ex's other recent acts which I had read too much into, because now they make sense. At the end, I reminded them that I have the thickest skin in the world, and that if they think I should improve in any way, they should tell me outright. My ex literally squirmed at the notion, again saying that I'm doing fine and it's not his place to tell me how to live my life, etc. I pffted at the gay dogma, and insisted he say what's on his mind, and leave it to me to decide what criticism to accept. Anyway it was a relief.