Letting go of an ex and becoming friends

  • ChefAnt

    Posts: 1

    Mar 25, 2013 3:23 AM GMT
    Hi I'm new to this forum. Just joined and rant for some advice. My ex broke up with me after 6 years. We lived together for 4. Our relationship was very good in many ways. We are best friends, we share alot of the same interests. Our biggest issue was in the bedroom. The first 2 years sex between us was great, we wanted each other in every possible way all the time then slowly that died down mostly due to me. He will always want me and want me to want him but I was never in the mood and didn't always listen to his needs. I usually only have sex with him when I wanted it and it made him very sad and felt unwanted and unhappy. So after 6 years being together, we spent a month apart due to him being on vacation and me having to travel out of state because of my mother's health, he decided it was time to call it quits. I was initially devastated and after some talking and realizing how much me not wanting to have sex with him have hurt him I needed to let him go. He has done more for me as a person than anyone else. We have been through some hardship in the relationship and we've gotten past it. He gets me and knows me better than myself sometimes. I just wanna remain friends with him because he is one of the most important person of my life. And he said he wants to remain close to me as a friend and be part of my life. He was my bestfriend and he was family to me. I'm in the process of moving back to my parent's apartment thats vacated so I'll be living there alone. Not the most ideal location but it's a place to live. I think i'm slowly accepting the fact that its over but it still hurts. Just need some advice and help. Thank you.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Mar 25, 2013 12:43 PM GMT
    You need to move on in your life. And let him move on, too. Trying to keep the good that was there but not be partners will not work. Make a lunch date for one year from now and agree to not talk until then. If you truly care for him, hope he finds some one to love him and give him room to recover.
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    Mar 25, 2013 1:12 PM GMT
    It's going to be tough!
    At least you have a second chance at friendship.

    ..Lack of intimacy ..You travelling out of state..and all the other stuff you didn't mention seemed to put "distance" between you and your now Ex.

    ..Needs have to be compromised at times physical and emotional if not...this will create distance...two people side by side.. but not "Together"...

    ...Heal, get better, Hugz
    ..participate in the forums.

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    Mar 25, 2013 3:56 PM GMT
    I'm sorry for the struggle but this is a learning opportunity. This is where, in my opinion, couples fail because they don't communicate effectively. It seems all relationships start with strong lust that forges an awesome sexual relationship but that changes with time. Maintaining an active sexual relationship takes a lot of imagination, time, patiences and most of all, communications.

    You're ending a relationship solely on the inability of having a satisfying sexual relationship. If you truly loved this guy, wouldn't you consider discussing ways in which he might find sexual fulfillment of his desires without you? Your inability to satisfy his sexual needs and, worse yet, your willingness to deny him any sexual pleasure is a clear example of why monogamy comes in two parts, emotional (which it seems you have) and sexual (which it seems you have also and is the issue here). Sexual fulfillment doesn't dominate a relationship, emotional fulfillment does. It's sad to see that a couple that seemingly has that emotional bond calls it quits because of the sexual differences instead of looking outside the box and finding a way of meeting all those sexual needs (both parties) and continue to enjoy the most important aspect of the relationship, and that's the emotional bond that is required for the relationship to be successful. Sex is no reason to call it quits. It's almost a cheap way out. Controlling your partner's sexual satisfaction is not the way a loving partner cares for the other. Exploring, discussing and finding ways together, no matter how unorthodox, to achieve each others sexual desires is showing how much you truly love and trust each other.

    I find your story selfish and possessive and I hope that you learn from this for the next relationship.
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    Mar 25, 2013 11:03 PM GMT
    it takes time apart to reunite as friends..especially if the relationship lasted awhile.
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    Mar 25, 2013 11:44 PM GMT
    oh wow, I can relate. *Hugs. Time and a positive attitude. That's all you use to get you through this. Easier said than done, b/c I know the heartache is immense.