open relationship

  • sw230

    Posts: 2

    Mar 27, 2013 3:56 AM GMT
    I have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years. We have had some good times together from taking trips to just staying home. We have lived together for the past 2.5 years. He has a kinky side where he is into bondage. I've offered to be tied up to fulfill his fantasy and it worked for a little while but he really enjoys others that like to serve and be humiliated. Sex wasn't part of the relationship but I thought it would eventually come. I could go either way but he didn't want to receive because he said I would hurt him. I offered to receive but he said topping didn't excite him. I thought the sex would eventually come since we loved each other very much and it looked like things were progressing that way.

    We then talked about having an open relationship where his kinky side could be taken care of by someone else other than me. I tried to be that someone but it didn't work since he said he loved me and couldn't treat me the same way as a stranger. Also he wanted me to be satisfied by finding someone versatile.

    He found several people here and there that satisfied his urge. I'm more of a shy person so I really didn't look. With work and everything else going on I really didn't have time.

    To make a long story short, he found someone that was into the bondage, puppy play and all the kinky things. We had a set of terms laid out for our understanding of the rules. First night broke my heart when he told me he had f***** the guy. I had just gotten off work and had called home. I couldn't understand how he could do that since we had never done it before. We talked about it and I eventually forgave him for it. He then started to include me and it was fun at first but then became awkward when the guy wanted me to not use a condom and I refused and the guy got mad at me for not going through with it. I left and got so mad because the guy waited until I left to bad talk me and my boyfriend didn't say anything to him.

    We talked about the situation and about closing the relationship to help get ours strong again. My boyfriend felt that he would be the one punished and not be satisfied. I feel he only sees himself not being satisfied when in fact I'm not either.

    I want to try and save our relationship before giving up on it. I know I should move on and find someone else but it's hard after being together for 4 years. I've read some of the other posts on here but felt I needed to get out my frustration since my boyfriend looks like he listens to me but he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 3:08 PM GMT
    I think that you're trying all the right things. I would suggest that the two of you consider seeing a therapist together to dig deeper into where each of you are in the relationship, what each of you wants, needs and if it's really doable.

    It sounds to me (only one side of the story here) that he's less flexible with your requests than you are with his. If you love him, I'd say don't give up. Good relationships are worth fighting for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    I agree good relationships are worth fighting for.

    Open relationships are always hard in the beginning, it's hard for both the parties. If one person ends up getting more sex than the other, then the other person may start to have trust issues and may begin to question his partner's sexual interest in him and may begin to develop a low self esteem. The person who is getting more sex may begin to develop some guilt because he knows that his partner is not getting enough.

    As long as you are able to separate your love for each other from the sex you are having outside the relationship there should not be a problem. I may enjoy having sex with someone other than my partner but I also know that it ends there, I enjoy my bf for everything else for conversations, for hanging out, and spending time with him in general.

    I also think open relationships are not for everyone, they require a certain level of maturity and understanding.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    open relationships are unhealthy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    Davidolce saidopen relationships are unhealthy


    I agree with this, open relationships are created because something is missing. In this case you guys have a deep and intimate relationship but lack sexual chemistry. I have been there, it's frustrating when you can't connect that way to please your partner in the way you want too. It's a tough situation but I feel like opening up the relationship just raises conflicts especially when it seems he is perusing it so adamantly and enjoys it more then you. Now in my perspective if you guys can't please each other then you are nothing more then close friends since that sexual element is lacking. I'm not saying give up but if it were me, opening the relationship isn't a option. Maybe seeing a therapist would help get you guys more options but personally I wouldn't be comfortable with someone else pleasing my man if I couldn't and I would sit down and talk it out. If he wants to sleep with others and we can't make it work then maybe it is time to just be friends and split, it is better to end it on a positive note then on a negative one in my belief and maybe it would be better in the long run. But that is my opinion
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 8:48 PM GMT
    Any n00dz?!?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 27, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    Most open relationships I've heard about or know have developed later in the relationship after the initial sexual bloom is off. But it seems in those cases, sex between the partners continues as an expression of love even if some thrills are found elsewhere. If you guys have never connected sexually but you have with others, I'd say you're loving friends, not partners. Though that may be enough for you. I know many hetero couples that exist on that level and there's nothing wrong with it. The jealousness must be awful, though. How could you not feel that?
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Mar 27, 2013 8:57 PM GMT
    whatever3009 saidI also think open relationships are not for everyone, they require a certain level of maturity and understanding.


    This is something I've always resented about those that support polyamory. You claim it requires a heightened level of maturity and understanding, which in turn implies that monogamous relationships lack that. I'd suggest it requires a decreased sense of attachment or intimacy instead, possibly desperation to find a compromise to make it work, to save a sinking ship.

    To each their own, right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    Davidolce saidopen relationships are unhealthy


    Onigumo said
    Davidolce saidopen relationships are unhealthy


    I agree with this, open relationships are created because something is missing. In this case you guys have a deep and intimate relationship but lack sexual chemistry. I have been there, it's frustrating when you can't connect that way to please your partner in the way you want too. It's a tough situation but I feel like opening up the relationship just raises conflicts especially when it seems he is perusing it so adamantly and enjoys it more then you. Now in my perspective if you guys can't please each other then you are nothing more then close friends since that sexual element is lacking. I'm not saying give up but if it were me, opening the relationship isn't a option. Maybe seeing a therapist would help get you guys more options but personally I wouldn't be comfortable with someone else pleasing my man if I couldn't and I would sit down and talk it out. If he wants to sleep with others and we can't make it work then maybe it is time to just be friends and split, it is better to end it on a positive note then on a negative one in my belief and maybe it would be better in the long run. But that is my opinion

    Unfortunately I have a hard time validating these comments from a 20 and 21 year old respectively. Although I agree with NOT opening a relationship for someone so young, it's based on needing to experience a relationship, not on whether the sex is working or not. I suggest that you two get into a long term relationship before you give this advice because there's NO way at your age that you have been in a serious LTR.

  • blueyedgrey20...

    Posts: 285

    Mar 27, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    man thats rough bro im sorry. maybe you just need to move on because it seems no matter what you do he will still want a stranger. and if hed rather fuck a stranger than his boyfreind then hes got the issue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    Medjai said
    whatever3009 saidI also think open relationships are not for everyone, they require a certain level of maturity and understanding.


    This is something I've always resented about those that support polyamory. You claim it requires a heightened level of maturity and understanding, which in turn implies that monogamous relationships lack that. I'd suggest it requires a decreased sense of attachment or intimacy instead, possibly desperation to find a compromise to make it work, to save a sinking ship.

    To each their own, right?

    Or perhaps an increase in maturity to understand that a relationship isn't made in the bedroom. I don't see where opening a relationship for one couple implies anything about other couples in strong monogamous relationships. If there's no desire to change the sexual portion of the relationship and both parties are satisfied, great. I think that takes a heightened level of maturity understand and agree with that. The intimacy level doesn't necessarily need to be decreased but it most likely is but a decreased sense of attachment? Really? I would say that's probably the case in cheating but not with both parties agreeing to open up a relationship. And I don't see it as a desperate attempt to save anything. If anything it's thinking outside the box by a couple that has a strong emotional bond and wants to boost the physical pleasures by including others. Nothing wrong with that if they both agree and communicate it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 9:16 PM GMT
    blueyedgrey2014 saidman thats rough bro im sorry. maybe you just need to move on because it seems no matter what you do he will still want a stranger. and if hed rather fuck a stranger than his boyfreind then hes got the issue.

    Really? So just give up? Is that what you would do with the one you love? Give up? ahyi yi yi yi yi!
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Mar 27, 2013 9:20 PM GMT
    You sound incompatible to tell you the truth. It doesn't sound like an open relationship is for you, and it sounds like that's what he wants. That's a pretty big gulf to try to cover. He knows he doesn't have to compromise, because he knows you'll give in. Why are you the only one trying to save this relationship?

    Physical intimacy is not part of your relationship, unless someone else and whips and chains are involved. He's not interested in bonding sexually with you, only with other people. That sounds like a friendship, not a relationship.

    What exactly makes this a relationship as opposed to you being two really good friends who care a lot about each other? I think your "relationship" has already ended if it ever even started.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2013 9:35 PM GMT
    eb925guy said
    blueyedgrey2014 saidman thats rough bro im sorry. maybe you just need to move on because it seems no matter what you do he will still want a stranger. and if hed rather fuck a stranger than his boyfreind then hes got the issue.

    Really? So just give up? Is that what you would do with the one you love? Give up? ahyi yi yi yi yi!


    This is why 99% of gay relationships fail. No one wants to work to make a relationship last when they can just start over with someone new and hope that eventually everything will perfectly fall into place with no effort.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Mar 27, 2013 9:42 PM GMT
    sw230 said then became awkward when the guy wanted me to not use a condom and I refused and the guy got mad at me for not going through with it. I left and got so mad because the guy waited until I left to bad talk me and my boyfriend didn't say anything to him.


    I'm a huge proponent of open relationships as a healthy option for deeply invested and communicative people.
    But there are *so* many things wrong with what you just said that I don't know how to summarize it quickly.
    Short version: I'm really, really sorry to hear that.
    A lot of people feel vulnerable, and that's worked out through talking and understanding and developing a stronger mutual trust. But both physical safety and personal/emotional dependability sound lacking from what you've described.
    I'm sorry you had to experience that. icon_cry.gif
  • Tombo

    Posts: 355

    Mar 28, 2013 5:48 AM GMT
    It is clear that he wants to sleep around and do all that bondage shit, save yourself heartbreak and abort the sitch
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2013 6:00 AM GMT
    sw230 saidI offered to receive but he said topping didn't excite him.


    sw230 saidhe found someone that was into the bondage, puppy play and all the kinky things. We had a set of terms laid out for our understanding of the rules. First night broke my heart when he told me he had f***** the guy.


    sw230 saidI couldn't understand how he could do that since we had never done it before.

    I understand it.

    You don't sexually excite him. Which is absolutely no fault of your own.


    sw230 saidMy boyfriend felt that he would be the one punished and not be satisfied.
    a very one dimensional relationship.

    sw230 saidI should move on
    yes you should

    sw230 saidmy boyfriend looks like he listens to me but he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say.
    He wont.

    The guy wants his cake, to eat it and have it all the way he wants it.

    Your the idiot giving it to him and then "talking" that you don't like it.

    On top of that

    Your "boyfriend" fucked a guy without a rubber and I'm betting he didn't use one considering how this other guy reacted to you wanting to use protection.

    Don't even consider it for a second letting this "boyfriend" touch you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2013 6:22 AM GMT
    He's a pig. He's just being true to his nature. Also if he really loved you he wouldn't treat you like this. More likely he just has no class. Just leave him and let him be happy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2013 6:25 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta said
    This is why 99% of gay relationships fail. No one wants to work to make a relationship last when they can just start over with someone new and hope that eventually everything will perfectly fall into place with no effort.


    You're assuming that essentially none of us that have had a relationship fail have tried. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2013 6:37 AM GMT
    intensity69 said
    SkittleGangsta said
    This is why 99% of gay relationships fail. No one wants to work to make a relationship last when they can just start over with someone new and hope that eventually everything will perfectly fall into place with no effort.


    You're assuming that essentially none of us that have had a relationship fail have tried. icon_sad.gif

    ^^^This... Tried, and tried and tried and it just didn't work. I honestly feel the other partners tried, too.

    As for your situation, OP. It does sound like incompatibility. Sometimes the most loving thing is to let each other fly solo. You can get your needs met and so can he, but from different people. Right now it seems that his needs are limiting your needs, and vice-versa.

    Therapy is great no matter what, even if you're both going to therapy just to learn to love and break up at the same time.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Mar 28, 2013 6:44 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta said
    eb925guy said
    blueyedgrey2014 saidman thats rough bro im sorry. maybe you just need to move on because it seems no matter what you do he will still want a stranger. and if hed rather fuck a stranger than his boyfreind then hes got the issue.

    Really? So just give up? Is that what you would do with the one you love? Give up? ahyi yi yi yi yi!


    This is why 99% of gay relationships fail. No one wants to work to make a relationship last when they can just start over with someone new and hope that eventually everything will perfectly fall into place with no effort.


    Where is your statistical evidence to back that up? I know 2 couples who are in 40+ year relationships and 2 in 30+ year relationships. None of my heterosexual friends have been in such long-term partnerships.
  • PandaDragon

    Posts: 39

    Mar 28, 2013 7:21 AM GMT
    um... 99% of gay relationships fail? um... no... They are as likely to succeed and fail as any normal relationship. Ask any straight guy how many girls he has dated and judge his "success" rate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2013 9:20 AM GMT
    What is it called when a gay man has a Madonna/whore complex?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2013 10:17 AM GMT
    I envy You. I realy do. My way to solve problems like this is just quit. I won´t change, but sometimes I tell to myself, being more open can be more easy.

    Good luck, man! Things will go in a way they shall go anyway :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2013 11:57 AM GMT
    Davidolce saidopen relationships are unhealthy

    This, except the opposite.