I've been to proud to admit it, but I need some advice.

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    Mar 29, 2013 2:51 AM GMT
    The path I'm on in life is a long one. I've always thought I was on the right path, but lately I've come to question everything. I really need some help, or at least some words to slap some sense into me. Here is my situation. I tried to keep everything short.

    Education:
    I'm 20 years old.
    I have no legitimate job experience
    I have a high school diploma, and an A.A. degree
    I'm currently a full-time student.

    Personal:
    I'm also gay, in the closet and fear being outed to my parents.
    Sometimes it feels like I'm going through hell because of my family, and I've been having alot of family problems lately.
    Recently, I've started loving my classes and school in general. But it's hard to enjoy with all the family crap happening

    My original plan has always been to get a B.F.A, then get a job and start my life.
    With my dream so close, I'm tempted to stay in my current situation. I would graduate in 3 years, and start my life then.

    But, my family situation has become very hard to deal with lately, so it has made me consider a new route:
    Get a job, and go to school part-time. However in doing so, It will take at least 8 years to get a stable job and finish my degree while working.

    I've plaid it safe, and did as I was told all my life. But I want to start living my life for myself and by myself. I love my family, but I honestly feel like they are holding me back lately.

    The rational part of me says getting a degree in three years is the overall better plan. But my heart tells me that it is time to move on. In doing so, I will be stuck in a job for at least 8 years before I can get my dream job.

    If I leave my family, I won't tell them anything, but I basically can't go back. I wouldn't know how to explain my actions without just leaving and saying "this is something I have to do." With the economy the way it is, I fear I won't be able to get a job, then what will I do?

    My philosophy has always been "Hope for the best, plan for the worst"

    Given all of this information, what would you do? Three years in silence, or 8 years on your own with nothing to go on but the clothes on your back and an uncertain future?

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    Mar 29, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    Life is fluid. Things happen. Things change.

    It's ok to have a plan. But don't set it in stone as if everything will go as planned.

    If you are TRULY fed up with living in the shadow of your family, then it's time to make changes. You are an adult now. It's ok to put your foot down.

    Many people go to college and work full time. I did it. There's nothing amazing about it. Many other people have a lot more on their hands (children, illness) so just count your blessings.


    I say it's time for you to grow up. Get a fuckin job, save a little and move out. Find roommates, make connections. Your freedom is worth a lot more than waiting a few more years to get your "dream job". We all want a dream job, but things won't just fall into your lap. So stop expecting every little thing to go as planned.

    I was engaged with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Guess what? That didn't happened. I reevaluated my life and adjusted it to what I felt was best for me at the time.

    Let life takes it toll and roll with the punches.

    But GROW UP! You are a grown ass man!!!!!!!!!!!!!icon_mad.gif
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    Mar 29, 2013 3:20 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidLife is fluid. Things happen. Things change.

    It's ok to have a plan. But don't set it in stone as if everything will go as planned.

    If you are TRULY fed up with living in the shadow of your family, then it's time to make changes. You are an adult now. It's ok to put your foot down.

    Many people go to college and work full time. I did it. There's nothing amazing about it. Many other people have a lot more on their hands (children, illness) so just count your blessings.


    I say it's time for you to grow up. Get a fuckin job, save a little and move out. Find roommates, make connections. Your freedom is worth a lot more than waiting a few more years to get your "dream job". We all want a dream job, but things won't just fall into your lap. So stop expecting every little thing to go as planned.

    I was engaged with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Guess what? That didn't happened. I reevaluated my life and adjusted it to what I felt was best for me at the time.

    Let life takes it toll and roll with the punches.

    But GROW UP! You are a grown ass man!!!!!!!!!!!!!icon_mad.gif


    I was hoping you would answer. I always enjoy reading your refreshing candid words.

    You say a dream job can't fall into my lap, but if I stay in the closet it can.

    And how am I supposed to pay for all of this? Scholarships are limited, financial aid isn't helping much, and at minimum wage, there is no way I can afford it.

    My last choice is loans. I've watched many family members crumble under the weight of debt. Tell me how I can do it all with nothing to go on, and no one to help. And if I can't get a job and pay for the loans? What will I do then?

    I agree with you 100%, but words are different from real-life. What is the mature adult decision, loans debt and uncertainty, or taking the road with enough money to cover it all?
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    Mar 29, 2013 3:23 AM GMT
    WaytoDawn said
    jmusmc85 saidLife is fluid. Things happen. Things change.

    It's ok to have a plan. But don't set it in stone as if everything will go as planned.

    If you are TRULY fed up with living in the shadow of your family, then it's time to make changes. You are an adult now. It's ok to put your foot down.

    Many people go to college and work full time. I did it. There's nothing amazing about it. Many other people have a lot more on their hands (children, illness) so just count your blessings.


    I say it's time for you to grow up. Get a fuckin job, save a little and move out. Find roommates, make connections. Your freedom is worth a lot more than waiting a few more years to get your "dream job". We all want a dream job, but things won't just fall into your lap. So stop expecting every little thing to go as planned.

    I was engaged with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Guess what? That didn't happened. I reevaluated my life and adjusted it to what I felt was best for me at the time.

    Let life takes it toll and roll with the punches.

    But GROW UP! You are a grown ass man!!!!!!!!!!!!!icon_mad.gif


    I was hoping you would answer. I always enjoy reading your refreshing candid words.

    You say a dream job can't fall into my lap, but if I stay in the closet it can.

    And how am I supposed to pay for all of this? Scholarships are limited, financial aid isn't helping much, and at minimum wage, there is no way I can afford it.

    My last choice is loans. I've watched many family members crumble under the weight of debt. Tell me how I can do it all with nothing to go on, and no one to help.

    I agree with you 100%, but words are different from real-life. What is the mature adult decision, loans debt and uncertainty, or taking the road with enough money to cover it all?


    Nigga, if you aint' happy now then all the money in the world isn't going to make you happy if you are still in the closet afraid of your parents.

    I ain't making a shit load right now. But I live comfortably in a beautiful location by the beach. I get banged by hot guys and I get to walk to Pollo Tropical. I can't complain.

    Life WON'T go your way no matter how much you stress and plan. What's the saying? If you want to make God laugh then just tell him your plans.

    It's time to start living dude. Because lemme tell you, you are BORING as fuck!!!!

    Come on!!! Do it!!!

    And then come back here and tell us all about it!!!
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    Mar 29, 2013 3:27 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    WaytoDawn said
    jmusmc85 saidLife is fluid. Things happen. Things change.

    It's ok to have a plan. But don't set it in stone as if everything will go as planned.

    If you are TRULY fed up with living in the shadow of your family, then it's time to make changes. You are an adult now. It's ok to put your foot down.

    Many people go to college and work full time. I did it. There's nothing amazing about it. Many other people have a lot more on their hands (children, illness) so just count your blessings.


    I say it's time for you to grow up. Get a fuckin job, save a little and move out. Find roommates, make connections. Your freedom is worth a lot more than waiting a few more years to get your "dream job". We all want a dream job, but things won't just fall into your lap. So stop expecting every little thing to go as planned.

    I was engaged with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Guess what? That didn't happened. I reevaluated my life and adjusted it to what I felt was best for me at the time.

    Let life takes it toll and roll with the punches.

    But GROW UP! You are a grown ass man!!!!!!!!!!!!!icon_mad.gif


    I was hoping you would answer. I always enjoy reading your refreshing candid words.

    You say a dream job can't fall into my lap, but if I stay in the closet it can.

    And how am I supposed to pay for all of this? Scholarships are limited, financial aid isn't helping much, and at minimum wage, there is no way I can afford it.

    My last choice is loans. I've watched many family members crumble under the weight of debt. Tell me how I can do it all with nothing to go on, and no one to help.

    I agree with you 100%, but words are different from real-life. What is the mature adult decision, loans debt and uncertainty, or taking the road with enough money to cover it all?


    Nigga, if you aint' happy now then all the money in the world isn't going to make you happy if you are still in the closet afraid of your parents.

    I ain't making a shit load right now. But I live comfortably in a beautiful location by the beach. I get banged by hot guys and I get to walk to Pollo Tropical. I can't complain.

    Life WON'T go your way no matter how much you stress and plan. What's the saying? If you want to make God laugh then just tell him your plans.

    It's time to start living dude. Because lemme tell you, you are BORING as fuck!!!!

    Come on!!! Do it!!!

    And then come back here and tell us all about it!!!


    Again I agree with you 100% (Except for the boring part. That's debatable. And I'm starting to think you poke fun at me becuase you have a crush on me icon_redface.gif) I hate myself for taking this road, and I want to follow my heart.

    Answer me one thing though, do you know how much university costs?
    Tell me how much you think it costs.

    I've done the math countless times, and there is no scenario in which I can make it all work.
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    Mar 29, 2013 3:37 AM GMT
    Bitch, college is EXPENSIVE. But thousands do it every year. You are going to have to get into some debt. Apply for loans, scholarships. Just make it work.

    And yes, I went to college. One of the best in the state of Virginia. Yes, I act like an idiot, but I'm actually pretty smart. I just need to better apply myself. But I'm happy!!! What more can you ask for than happiness and health?!?!?!


    And I lol'ed at you thinking your dream job will fall into your lap. You seem to have that part all figured out.
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    Mar 29, 2013 3:49 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidBitch, college is EXPENSIVE. But thousands do it every year. You are going to have to get into some debt. Apply for loans, scholarships. Just make it work.

    And yes, I went to college. One of the best in the state of Virginia. Yes, I act like an idiot, but I'm actually pretty smart. I just need to better apply myself. But I'm happy!!! What more can you ask for than happiness and health?!?!?!


    And I lol'ed at you thinking your dream job will fall into your lap. You seem to have that part all figured out.


    *sigh* Again, debt. I guess that part may be unavoidable. icon_neutral.gif

    I know it won't fall into my lap, but with a degree it'l be a heck of alot easier.

    Thanks for your input.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 29, 2013 4:39 AM GMT
    I think the time between age 18 and 25 were the most difficult years of my life and from other threads in this forum, it seems to be that way for a lot of young guys.

    I don't know you well enough WtD to make any concrete suggestions. You say you're a full time student now, what are you studying? What is it you want to do career wise? Might it be possible to get an entry level job in the field you're interested in NOW -- or at least look for one?

    I get it that you want to get out from under your family's thumb. Completely understandable. I also get it that money is an issue. The thing is, there are all kinds of ways of making money. One just has to be willing to think outside the box a bit and think creatively about it. But I don't know you well enough to know what that might mean in your case. I do know, however, that building a work resume is *as* important as getting an education, and in some cases even *more* important.
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    Mar 29, 2013 4:45 AM GMT
    Go on your own. There are other ways to play your cards to get where you want faster and freer.
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    Mar 29, 2013 5:00 AM GMT
    One thing to consider - if you are having family trouble or stress related to being in the closet at home, those things could potentially be a distraction during your studies. In order to do the best you can during college and get the most out of the experience, you really have to have as much focus as possible.

    I would recommend getting your own place so that you can live your own life. If you live on campus, you should be able to apply for financial aid. Having the debt is never fun, but it's actually a very good experience to live on your own. I moved out around the same age as you and it really is great for helping you grow.

    Maybe consider a part time job on the weekends (or a day or two during the week if you have short days for classes). That might cut down on some of your loans.

    Hang in there man!! You'll figure it out! And remember that you will be able to achieve your dreams whatever road you take.
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    Mar 29, 2013 5:01 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidGo on your own. There are other ways to play your cards to get where you want faster and freer.


    Care to elaborate?
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    Mar 29, 2013 5:04 AM GMT
    MikeW saidI think the time between age 18 and 25 were the most difficult years of my life and from other threads in this forum, it seems to be that way for a lot of young guys.

    I don't know you well enough WtD to make any concrete suggestions. You say you're a full time student now, what are you studying? What is it you want to do career wise? Might it be possible to get an entry level job in the field you're interested in NOW -- or at least look for one?

    I get it that you want to get out from under your family's thumb. Completely understandable. I also get it that money is an issue. The thing is, there are all kinds of ways of making money. One just has to be willing to think outside the box a bit and think creatively about it. But I don't know you well enough to know what that might mean in your case. I do know, however, that building a work resume is *as* important as getting an education, and in some cases even *more* important.


    Digital art is my field of study. I'd like to make video games, but I'm open to other possibilities. Entry level is possible, but I'd be competing with people with alot more experience. I've definitely looked at jobs and internships, but the expectations are pretty high.
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    Mar 29, 2013 5:10 AM GMT
    dc0776 saidOne thing to consider - if you are having family trouble or stress related to being in the closet at home, those things could potentially be a distraction during your studies. In order to do the best you can during college and get the most out of the experience, you really have to have as much focus as possible.

    I would recommend getting your own place so that you can live your own life. If you live on campus, you should be able to apply for financial aid. Having the debt is never fun, but it's actually a very good experience to live on your own. I moved out around the same age as you and it really is great for helping you grow.

    Maybe consider a part time job on the weekends (or a day or two during the week if you have short days for classes). That might cut down on some of your loans.

    Hang in there man!! You'll figure it out! And remember that you will be able to achieve your dreams whatever road you take.


    I agree with you completely about the stress, and it is interfering with my life. The funny part is, I'm really enjoying myself this semester, but with all the family crap, it makes it harder than it really is. I already have financial aid, and it won't cover it. I'm not sure if living on campus will give me any more money. Part time job would be a must if I had loans. Full-time job would be ideal, though I doubt I could still go full time.

    Thanks for the kind words.
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    Mar 29, 2013 5:25 AM GMT
    WaytoDawnI agree with you completely about the stress, and it is interfering with my life. The funny part is, I'm really enjoying myself this semester, but with all the family crap, it makes it harder than it really is. I already have financial aid, and it won't cover it. I'm not sure if living on campus will give me any more money. Part time job would be a must if I had loans. Full-time job would be ideal, though I doubt I could still go full time.

    Thanks for the kind words.


    If the financial aid will not cover living expenses and you do decide to move out, you might want to look for housing off campus. I remember being surprised by the costs of living on campus when you break it down... I ended up getting a 1-bedroom place for far cheaper (granted, it was 15 years ago...lol). Check around in the university commons areas - there are usually places where people post if they are looking for roommates - that will help with keeping costs down.

    I wouldn't recommend trying to balance a full time job with school - that will get chaotic, and often you will need a certain amt of flexibility with class schedules. I'd start with 20 hours or so and increase the amt if you feel you can handle it.
  • tckrguys

    Posts: 133

    Mar 29, 2013 12:50 PM GMT
    It seems you have a lot of excuses of why you shouldn't move out and get on with your life. Everyone on here has given you good advice but ultimately you have to make that decision. Is the debt you will incur offset by the "freedom" you will gain?

    Stop hemming and hawing, you know what you have to do, now get off your ass and DO IT!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 29, 2013 1:22 PM GMT
    you sound like a millennial
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    Mar 29, 2013 2:34 PM GMT
    I think you should experiment a little with following different courses of action at the same time and see which one opens up for you.

    Like this: Go ahead and scout around for a job. Go for a few interviews and cut your teeth, so to speak, lol. You'll find out what kind of work and how much you can make and then apply that to the feasibility of renting and going solo.

    Meanwhile you are also on the other trajectory of maintaining the status quo while you scope out how high up the nest is from the ground. icon_wink.gif

    Here's a little tune for you; she may know a little of how you feel, eh?

    warmly,

    -Doug


  • unicoman1

    Posts: 822

    Mar 29, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    The world is made up of do'ers and and excus'ers .....It's the path of life you say... It's never easy... it's life .... enjoy the experiences learn from the mistakes and be a Do'er! Peace and good things.
  • Dan10kg

    Posts: 34

    Mar 29, 2013 3:35 PM GMT
    Years ago I worked in a Gay bar in New York City with many closeted Gay men, some married to women most not. If you are in or close to a large city its easy to find support groups to talk about being Gay and come out but many Gay men stay in the closet, I could not, I'm a Fag and thats it. I have worked in a full range of jobs and everyone knew I was Gay. Whats strange is how many men think they are out but don't tell all people they know, In some way it can be self loathing but if you live at home you have to figure if you can make it in the world paying bills, rent ain't cheap and the economy sucks. Go to a support group and if you are thinking to move out get a job (even part time) and save some money for what reality you will be in. As a student getting an apartment think about being a roomate, Ive known many people going to school in New York city how live with older people who have large apartments but need help paying the bills. Get yourself a large support system of freinds who know who you are and it will be an easier ajustment being on your own. Jobs are few and far between so think before you leave, are you out to anybody . Gay men don't realize you come out and than you have a second Coming Out when you figure and accept who you really are. I wish you luck in what ever choice of life, closeted or full blown Gay Guy. Some think its difficult being Gay & yes some people will not want to know you anymore but many people old and new will care about you, family is not just who your realated to but who you choose to put in your life. Trust me the family choosen will care about you as much as any realitive.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 29, 2013 3:43 PM GMT
    WaytoDawn saidDigital art is my field of study. I'd like to make video games, but I'm open to other possibilities. Entry level is possible, but I'd be competing with people with alot more experience. I've definitely looked at jobs and internships, but the expectations are pretty high.

    Alright, so given your stated interest I'm going to assume you're a bit of a nerd (no offense). Now, we're on the subject of A) making money and B ) "digital arts" which actually covers A LOT of territory (I am a "graphics manager" and have a background in both fine art and visual design but no degree).

    The first question I'm going to ask is how much time do you spend on your computer or online just farting around doing stuff that doesn't do anything for either A) or B ) above? This is an important question because to get where you want to go, you're going to have to give up some, possibly a lot of that waisted time. You have to become more focused and goal oriented.

    For example, right now from the way you've answered my questions, this suggests you think the only way to get a job in your field is to have a portfolio. Since you don't have one, no job. But what I'm suggesting is you think outside the box.

    What is the immediate problem right in front of you? What are your short range and long range goals?. The problem you've stated is: 'I'm living w/ my parents while i go to school and i don't have enough money to live on my own.' Ok, well, so, what can you do to earn money *right now* WHILE going to school? And my suggestion is you *not* get a job but create one of your own. What this will turn out to be will depend on YOUR creativity and willingness to give up some of your 'farting around on the computer' time.

    EXAMPLE. Being over 60, and having many friends who are way older even than I, I'm very aware there is a big demand for 'nerds' who know how to do things with computers and other technology that we simply don't understand. Personally, I'm relatively 'savvy' about this stuff but *many* of my friends are not. Many of the things you and your generation take for granted about how to use a computer or a cell phone are *completely* intimidating to us.

    So, beginning with your grandparents or other family friends, neighbors, in their age group (more or less) etc., just let it be known you're wanting to earn a little extra cash for school and stuff by helping them with computer problems. Use your budding design skills to make up a business card and have them printed (there are online places that do it cheap) and maybe a small half page flyer as well. Give one to every old person you meet.

    Now, that is just an example of what I mean by 'out of the box' thinking. Obviously it isn't going to instantly 'solve' your problem but something like this is a first step. It isn't a 'job' where you have to keep regular hours. Until you start earning 'real buck's you may not even have to report it as 'income' It's just a way to get started.

    Everywhere around you are people who need stuff done and are willing and able to pay for it -- especially 'old folk' -- and especially 'small family owned businesses' that don't have big operating budgets -- and especially having to do with technology and visual arts communication. You just need to make yourself known and available AND you have to do it in a friendly but professional way. THEY need to understand that you CHARGE for this service. It needn't be exorbitant but you're trading some of your 'farting around on the computer time' for cash.

    That's just one idea. You might just sit down and start brain storming to see how many different ideas you can come up with. WHAT DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO? Make a list of everything you know how to do, even stuff you'd think everyone else knows, too. Trust me, they don't.

    Here's your task, come up with at least a dozen skills that you can market on your own right now without any further 'schooling'. Again, this isn't long range solution, obviously, its just a 'kick start' for now. To do it you have to think positively and creatively and just see what turns up.
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    Mar 30, 2013 5:53 PM GMT
    tckrguys saidIt seems you have a lot of excuses of why you shouldn't move out and get on with your life. Everyone on here has given you good advice but ultimately you have to make that decision. Is the debt you will incur offset by the "freedom" you will gain?

    Stop hemming and hawing, you know what you have to do, now get off your ass and DO IT!


    I don't really see them as excuses, just points for and against a certain decision.

    You are right though, I do need to do it if it's what I truly want.
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    Mar 30, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    meninlove said I think you should experiment a little with following different courses of action at the same time and see which one opens up for you.

    Like this: Go ahead and scout around for a job. Go for a few interviews and cut your teeth, so to speak, lol. You'll find out what kind of work and how much you can make and then apply that to the feasibility of renting and going solo.

    Meanwhile you are also on the other trajectory of maintaining the status quo while you scope out how high up the nest is from the ground. icon_wink.gif

    Here's a little tune for you; she may know a little of how you feel, eh?

    warmly,

    -Doug




    Thanks Doug. A little experimentation would probably best. I guess if I at least start down that path it will give me some more control.
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    Mar 30, 2013 5:55 PM GMT
    unicoman1 saidThe world is made up of do'ers and and excus'ers .....It's the path of life you say... It's never easy... it's life .... enjoy the experiences learn from the mistakes and be a Do'er! Peace and good things.


    I'm a do'er afriad of making mistakes. You can see my conflict here.
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    Mar 30, 2013 5:56 PM GMT
    Dan10kg saidYears ago I worked in a Gay bar in New York City with many closeted Gay men, some married to women most not. If you are in or close to a large city its easy to find support groups to talk about being Gay and come out but many Gay men stay in the closet, I could not, I'm a Fag and thats it. I have worked in a full range of jobs and everyone knew I was Gay. Whats strange is how many men think they are out but don't tell all people they know, In some way it can be self loathing but if you live at home you have to figure if you can make it in the world paying bills, rent ain't cheap and the economy sucks. Go to a support group and if you are thinking to move out get a job (even part time) and save some money for what reality you will be in. As a student getting an apartment think about being a roomate, Ive known many people going to school in New York city how live with older people who have large apartments but need help paying the bills. Get yourself a large support system of freinds who know who you are and it will be an easier ajustment being on your own. Jobs are few and far between so think before you leave, are you out to anybody . Gay men don't realize you come out and than you have a second Coming Out when you figure and accept who you really are. I wish you luck in what ever choice of life, closeted or full blown Gay Guy. Some think its difficult being Gay & yes some people will not want to know you anymore but many people old and new will care about you, family is not just who your realated to but who you choose to put in your life. Trust me the family choosen will care about you as much as any realitive.


    Thanks for the advice. And no, I'm not out to anyone, and no I won't do the group therapy thing (not my style).
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    Mar 30, 2013 5:58 PM GMT
    WaytoDawn saidI know it won't fall into my lap, but with a degree it'l be a heck of alot easier.
    Not necessarily. I have a Bachelors of Science in Radiological Sciences and it took about 4 years for me to get my dream job, and I FOUGHT for it. icon_neutral.gif