When you're alredy in an established relationship...

  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Mar 29, 2013 5:59 AM GMT
    and another boy comes along and strikes your fancy.

    I understand that as human beings we all exprience temptations and all look and fantisize about perhaps another person....every once in a while. and whether we act on those temptations....is completely up to us as individuals. .

    However, I find myself in this very situation. The situation of being in a stable, monogomous, generally good relationship, but there is an interest elsewhere.
    I've been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. Everything, for all intents and purposes has been going ok. ...pretty good

    HOWEVER,
    somewhat recently, another man has enetered the picture and I find myself quite enamored by this individual. He flirts very obviously with me, but he's also so fuckin cute....and handsome. I just am finding it hard to resist.

    I was having a casual conversation with him tonight, over a beer. we were talking about nothing in particular and he leaned in and kissed me as I was talking. I got all flustered and after he kissed me I just forgot what the fuck I was talking about. . . I was caught off guard by this. He just kissed me with such authority and confidence, that I wanted to jump on him, but I didnt. I just was like..... icon_neutral.gif

    So, now I find myself wanting to explore this. But the problem is I'm already in a stable relationship of 7 months with someone I do care about.

    I just want both of them. Can't I have both?





  • niceguy_321

    Posts: 25

    Mar 29, 2013 6:05 AM GMT
    A fantasy world..would let you have both, but unfortunately you can only choose one in the long run. You might want to weigh out the pros and cons of both situations. What would make you happier in the long run? Is messing up a relationship worth it for some random guy who could possibly have a different motive?

    If I were in your shoes..this other boy seems trouble. I would stay as far away from him as possible.

  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Mar 29, 2013 6:10 AM GMT
    niceguy_321 saidA fantasy world..would let you have both, but unfortunately you can only choose one in the long run. You might want to weigh out the pros and cons of both situations. What would make you happier in the long run? Is messing up a relationship worth it for some random guy who could possibly have a different motive?

    If I were in your shoes..this other boy seems trouble. I would stay as far away from him as possible.



    he's not necessarily just some "random guy" or what I call them...he's not just some "rando" . . . he's a man, a few years older than I..... very well spoken and handsome. He happens to be Dominican. and he's gorgeous.

    Looks aside tho, his personality is more laid-back and chill, which is more like me. My current bf is kinda stoic and..... quiet...and thoughtful, where as this person is more jokey, happy-go-lucky, fun, I dunno. . .

    I'm just like kinda feelin torn lol
  • niceguy_321

    Posts: 25

    Mar 29, 2013 6:34 AM GMT
    Well, it seems like you made your choice. Does he even know you're in a relationship?
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 29, 2013 6:44 AM GMT
    Well, you have choices to make, and you are no doubt aware of the possible consequences. Most likely, you cannot "have both."

    On the one hand, you have been with BF for only 7 months - hardly a lifetime. You did not mention "love" in your preamble, or the kind of mutual dependence that evolves in a long term relationship. So maybe they are not there, so you could quickly disengage with no disquietude. Do you want to be in a relationship with anyone, or is it just convenient?


    Maybe you can sleep with No.2 just once, and then say goodbye?

    Unless your current BF wants a 3-way relationship, or is open to an "open" relationship. Have you ever had these conversations? You can have a secret affair with No.2, and hope BF No1 never finds out. How good a liar are you? Can you keep all your self-respect by hiding an affair from BF No.1?

    You can dump BF No. 1 and run off into the sunset with No.2. That;'s definitely trading a bird in hand for one in the bush. It happens a lot in novels and movies. But consider that possibly some of the allure in BF No.2 might just be the excitement and adventure in seducing someone already in a committed relationship. Perhaps use of the word "seducing" is not appropriate if you are so eager to take the bait, but you'll get the point - that getting someone who has to be tempted adds excitement to the chase. Generally, guys who do this have less interest in the conquest after the conquest has been made. What is the relationship history of BF No.2? One long relationship which is over, or lots of short term affairs? Definitely something to consider.

    If you had just met No. 2 on a vacation in some distant place, and you could not get into a serious relationship with him, then of course go ahead and have a great brief affair. You could forget about it later. But that is not your situation.

    Good luck.
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    Mar 29, 2013 7:20 AM GMT
    niceguy_321 saidWell, it seems like you made your choice. Does he even know you're in a relationship?


    this
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    Mar 29, 2013 8:20 AM GMT
    Come on Import..!?! WTF??
    ..Are ya looking for "Instability"??

    ..Where was this new piece of meat eight months ago..when you were single, lonely , miserable and terrorizing people on RJ..?? icon_eek.gif

    ..Shut that crap down dude..
    ..We like you the way you are now..!!

    Whatever your current boyfriend is doing to / for you seems to be working well...
    Why fuck that up for a big bag of what ifs???

    If you were in this room right now ... I would so spank you !!..




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    Mar 29, 2013 9:21 AM GMT
    Import saidhe situation of being in a stable, monogomous, generally good relationship, but there is an interest elsewhere...

    I just want both of them. Can't I have both?


    Not if you're monogamous.
    If you want to keep your boyfriend, tell him that the other guy kissed you and keep your distance.

    If you want to explore things with the new guy, then break things off with the boyfriend first.

    There's always going to be temptation (something new and shiny). It's how you handle the temptation that's important.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Mar 29, 2013 12:16 PM GMT
    NO
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    Mar 29, 2013 12:34 PM GMT
    I wouldnt explore this. I mean when im attracted to a guy it will immediately cause me to be somewhat defensive of my relationship. I keep my promises and i promise to myself that one guy gets my heart. We have to be careful "looking for something better"
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    Mar 29, 2013 12:46 PM GMT
    you sad.

    and in a few months you gonna be sadder.

    Heres hoping your "boyfriend" dumps your arse.

    Not that I think finding another guy attractive or interesting or even tempting while in a relationship remotely wrong.

    but you over stepped the line of "Monogamous relationship" by even asking the question.
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    Mar 29, 2013 1:26 PM GMT
    cake_648x648.png?pictureId=4896521&asGal
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    Mar 29, 2013 1:36 PM GMT
    imagesgrass-is-greener2_small.jpg
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    Mar 29, 2013 1:37 PM GMT
    Import saidand another boy comes along and strikes your fancy.

    I understand that as human beings we all exprience temptations and all look and fantisize about perhaps another person....every once in a while. and whether we act on those temptations....is completely up to us as individuals. .

    However, I find myself in this very situation. The situation of being in a stable, monogomous, generally good relationship, but there is an interest elsewhere.
    I've been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. Everything, for all intents and purposes has been going ok. ...pretty good

    HOWEVER,
    somewhat recently, another man has enetered the picture and I find myself quite enamored by this individual. He flirts very obviously with me, but he's also so fuckin cute....and handsome. I just am finding it hard to resist.

    I was having a casual conversation with him tonight, over a beer. we were talking about nothing in particular and he leaned in and kissed me as I was talking. I got all flustered and after he kissed me I just forgot what the fuck I was talking about. . . I was caught off guard by this. He just kissed me with such authority and confidence, that I wanted to jump on him, but I didnt. I just was like..... icon_neutral.gif

    So, now I find myself wanting to explore this. But the problem is I'm already in a stable relationship of 7 months with someone I do care about.

    I just want both of them. Can't I have both?


    This is where polyamory is awesome and truthful. You are curious about two men for their unique personalities and identities. Don't start comparing them. Your brain can't possibly compare all of their unique variables all at once. Be honest with your boyfriend. Tell him, compassionately, exactly what you said here. I really like you, this is good, but there's this guy. I'm confused. Hold your current partner while you're talking. Tell him you care, you don't want to hurt him, but you're confused. He gets a say in this as well.

    Take it slow. The fact that this guy leaned in and kissed you is a red flag, if he knew you were already dating. Did he know that? If not, it shows great confidence. Just be careful. If your current guy is ok with you exploring you now have a responsibility to be open and honest with two people about all of your feelings. Welcome to the complex world of poly.

    If you can't envision that for yourself and only want one of them the recognize that whoever you choose you must be ok with committing unconditionally once the decision is made. You can't bounce back and forth. It's cruel.
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    Mar 29, 2013 1:48 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidimagesgrass-is-greener2_small.jpg

    +1

    I'm very fortunate. Once I start dating my "hunt mode" shuts down automatically. Other guys don't interest me - I'm content, and grateful, for what I have. No wandering eye for me.

    It's nothing I choose to do consciously, it just happens on its own, so I get no praise or credit for it. Hunt mode automatically resumes when that relationship breaks up. I was built for monogamy. I couldn't cheat if you paid me.
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    Mar 29, 2013 1:49 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidimagesgrass-is-greener2_small.jpg


    I die. New favorite picture. New life motto.
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    Mar 29, 2013 1:51 PM GMT

    "Going Okay"
    "Pretty Good"
    "So, now I find myself wanting to explore this"


    You've made your decision, you need to inform your guy of this decision before you hurt him.
  • MarvelBoy23

    Posts: 279

    Mar 29, 2013 1:52 PM GMT
    If you went ahead with this other guy, there is more likelihood it won't last. You're starting a relationship overlapping with another one you already have going and established. When you're say, 7 months in with this new guy, what will lead him to believe you won't do the same thing to him that you did to the boyfriend you had when the Dominican first kissed you? icon_question.gificon_confused.gif

    I think there's more trouble here than it's worth. It's a choice tho. I have a good friend who met a guy in Iowa through work, she moved there and got married. Eventually at her job she met this other guy (who was also married) and they started banging and fell for each other! They both divorced and then married each other. The only thing is, neither of them trusts the other to be alone with others. They even switch jobs to the same company EVERY TIME one moves into a new position, just so that they are always together. They drive to and from work together, share all the same friends and never let the other out of their sight. And while it seems to be working ok, how long can that last? How long before one or both get sick of not trusting each other? Seeing it second hand would make this situation an easy choice for me, but all I can do is share my experience here. Good luck with your choice, I don't envy it, but I hope it works for you~
  • blueyedgrey20...

    Posts: 285

    Mar 29, 2013 1:59 PM GMT
    Dude tough spot man...just go with your feelings they tend to be right! But if you want this new guy you will hurt your boyfreind its not if it's when.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Mar 29, 2013 2:32 PM GMT
    7 months is not an established relationship, in my opinion.
    7 years, yes, but 7 months with a guy is the start of a relationship.
    And, if you're this drawn to someone else this early in the relationship, it sounds to me like the relationship with your BF is on shaky ground.
    I'd think at 7 months you'd be so into your BF that the temptation of another man wouldn't last more than a second or two.

    No one man is a perfect match, so realize that while your current BF has some shortcomings that the next guy will as well, and the next guy, etc.
    A committed relationship takes time to figure out.
    If this guy that kissed you knows you're in a relationship that certainly says something about him - doesn't it? He may be the kind that wants what he shouldn't have.

    You need to take a step back and figure out what you want. If you know that the man you're with is not the man you want to be with long term, at least be honest and end it - then you're free to explore something with this other guy.
    There are open and poly relationships, and I'm not down on them, but you know if you're that kind of guy or not, and you know if your BF is as well.

    I also think a relationship has to be longer than 7 months old before exploring an open relationship - unless that was something desired by both parties going in.

    If you do want to keep your current relationship - then distance yourself from this new guy - and tell him why you're doing it.

    Just man up - one way or the other.
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    Mar 29, 2013 2:43 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidimagesgrass-is-greener2_small.jpg


    dayummm! +1000000000
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    Mar 29, 2013 2:49 PM GMT
    I'm sure that your current boyfriend really appreciates your courage in sharing your feelings with him. I sure hope he doesn't read realjock...

    "Can't I have both?" says to me you are more immature in relationships than you think you are. Most people in relationships get hit on at some point or another; those who are truly happy don't even entertain the idea, doubt, or see it as something exciting quite the way you are. Turn off the PC and go and speak with your boyfriend to sort your feelings out - and take a break from any 1-on-1's with this guy, especially with alcohol involved.
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    Mar 29, 2013 2:59 PM GMT
    Import saidand another boy comes along and strikes your fancy.

    I understand that as human beings we all exprience temptations and all look and fantisize about perhaps another person....every once in a while. and whether we act on those temptations....is completely up to us as individuals. .

    However, I find myself in this very situation. The situation of being in a stable, monogomous, generally good relationship, but there is an interest elsewhere.
    I've been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. Everything, for all intents and purposes has been going ok. ...pretty good

    Hmeone I do care about.

    I just want both of them. Can't I have both?


    Do you live with the first guy? Gay guys call dating a "relationship"and they declare this before they really had a chance to test their feelings out similar to what you describe here. Unless you date more then one guy you cant sort your feelings out.





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    Mar 29, 2013 3:04 PM GMT
    Hothouse said7 months is not an established relationship, in my opinion.
    7 years, yes, but 7 months with a guy is the start of a relationship.
    And, if you're this drawn to someone else this early in the relationship, it sounds to me like the relationship with your BF is on shaky ground.
    I'd think at 7 months you'd be so into your BF that the temptation of another man wouldn't last more than a second or two.

    No one man is a perfect match, so realize that while your current BF has some shortcomings that the next guy will as well, and the next guy, etc.
    A committed relationship takes time to figure out.
    If this guy that kissed you knows you're in a relationship that certainly says something about him - doesn't it? He may be the kind that wants what he shouldn't have.

    You need to take a step back and figure out what you want. If you know that the man you're with is not the man you want to be with long term, at least be honest and end it - then you're free to explore something with this other guy.
    There are open and poly relationships, and I'm not down on them, but you know if you're that kind of guy or not, and you know if your BF is as well.

    I also think a relationship has to be longer than 7 months old before exploring an open relationship - unless that was something desired by both parties going in.

    If you do want to keep your current relationship - then distance yourself from this new guy - and tell him why you're doing it.

    Just man up - one way or the other.


    One of the best posts ever.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Mar 29, 2013 3:51 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidyou sad.

    and in a few months you gonna be sadder.

    Heres hoping your "boyfriend" dumps your arse.

    Not that I think finding another guy attractive or interesting or even tempting while in a relationship remotely wrong.

    but you over stepped the line of "Monogamous relationship" by even asking the question.


    Alright, calm your tits, will u?
    Hoping my boyfriend dumps me because some guy unexpectedly leaned in and kissed me? How could have I prevented that from happening? I am not clairvoyant and cannot read minds. And I dont believe u can either, so before u wish negative energy upon me and my relationship, perhaps u should calm the fuck down first. Your negativity is not cute. I am free to ask any questions I want on here, as this is a great place to hear other opinions about situations in life. Life happens. Stuff happens. Situations arise. You're no mother teresa, im sure.

    ANNNNYWAY, negative nancy aside.
    I am a relatively rational person and I understand that pursuing anything with this "new" guy will probably not be the best idea. I am loyal to my BF. And I will admit thaty when I wrote that thread last night I was fueled a bit by a few brews I had drank. So, now being completely sentient and sober today. I really have no doubt in my mind that I will do anything else or pursue any type of connection with this guy. He's already txted me this morning apologizing for kissing me. I just responded "no worries, have a good day"...and that's it.... brief, short, leading to no more conversation.

    I'll admit it was a bit exciting as it was so unexpected and he was just so damn cute. I mean, c'mooooon ppl. A cute boy kisses u? It's good for the ego lol. But I know I will never even put myself in a situation like that again around him.

    I dont plan on telling my bf either. As I dont think iot is necessary and nothing good or productive will come of it. Afterall, I didnt kiss him, he kissed me. What could I do?