The quest for something a little bit better.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2013 12:38 PM GMT
    Why are so many awesome gay guys single. It’s really a question to wrestle with……….and nowhere is it instantiated more clearly than on realjock. Perhaps we can’t find the happy fulfilling relationships we want because we are always looking for the man who makes us feel like we’ve hit the lottery. We seek out beautiful, successful men as talismans of self enhancements. We can never love them because we are too busy using their tan polished bodies as mirrors in whose reflection we seek the courage to love ourselves. Many of us are not interested in finding our equal because to only find one’s equal is like some sort of failure.

    We are all out to find the extraordinary guy.

    But extraordinary is relative, and so we can only really measure it by our own personal standard….most often this simply means comparing the man we have, to the man we think we are supposed to have. The danger here is that when we make ourselves the barometer by which we measure other men, we are sure that we never meet the perfect one. To many of us, our dream guy is somewhat unattainable, and it is in large part his unattainabillity that creates the illusion of his perfection. But in those rare occasions where we capture this man, we eventually grow dissatisfied with him. It’s not because he has changed or gotten somehow less impressive. But because we could have him……he must not be that great. In a sense, it seems noble to be unwilling to reach for low-hanging fruit, but perhaps this is why so many of us are single. Maybe the men we can have are good enough that we don’t have to drive them away for the one’s we think we can’t.
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    Mar 29, 2013 12:41 PM GMT
    your posts says nothing that has not already been said.

    there are so many on here that are single because despite having an amazing body or an attractive face they are ugly people.

    Ugly people are ugly. They can change the body, they can work on the face but scratch the surface and you see nothin but lead.

    Then of course you got the ugly ones who are just in and out ugly and no amount of work is gonna change that.
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    Mar 29, 2013 2:04 PM GMT
    People (gay & straight) can be single for reasons far too complex for summation in any conversation here. Wayyyyyy too many variables which go far beyond trivialities you mention.

    All our pondering means nothing in the end. We are all as grains of sand on a vast beach. Each unique in purpose, position, and placement aside from choice or reason.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 29, 2013 5:38 PM GMT
    What you're saying may be true but it doesn't go deep enough into the real question.

    Certainly physical attraction and personal compatibility play an important part in a relationship. However, what sustains a relationship beyond "weeks and months" to "years and years" is mutual love. For example, that means caring so much for someone other than one's self that we would rather harm ourselves than hurt them. It means being willing to overlook all (or at least most) of their imperfections and stick with them *because* they're doing the same for us. It means *sharing* a life together, which includes all the joys and hardships. It means commitment on a very deep level. It is almost 'choiceless'. One can't imagine living any other way or with anyone else.
  • He_Man

    Posts: 906

    Mar 30, 2013 2:36 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidyour posts says nothing that has not already been said.

    there are so many on here that are single because despite having an amazing body or an attractive face they are ugly people.

    Ugly people are ugly. They can change the body, they can work on the face but scratch the surface and you see nothin but lead...


    AMEN!

    I've met many so-called "good-looking/hot/cute" guys that ultimately turn out to be shallow and repulsive when their personalities come blazing out.

    It's funny how one day someone looks amazingly hot, but after you get to know them and see what they're really like, the attraction dies quickly. Like I've always said, a person's looks is subjective. It can change within a blink of an eye, or more likely, once they open their mouths.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2013 2:38 AM GMT
    He_Man said
    lilTanker saidyour posts says nothing that has not already been said.

    there are so many on here that are single because despite having an amazing body or an attractive face they are ugly people.

    Ugly people are ugly. They can change the body, they can work on the face but scratch the surface and you see nothin but lead...


    AMEN!

    I've met many so-called "good-looking/hot/cute" guys that ultimately turn out to be shallow and repulsive when their personalities come blazing out.

    It's funny how one day someone looks amazingly hot, but after you get to know them and see what they're really like, the attraction dies quickly. Like I've always said, a person's looks is subjective. It can change within a blink of an eye, or more likely, once they open their mouths.



    yes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2013 2:39 AM GMT
    Oops, sorry - I saw my name in the title and had to check in. Sorry to interrupt. Carry on.
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    Mar 30, 2013 2:54 AM GMT
    Oh my God, there's been like, what, five or six threads like this in the last few weeks? What is with people all of a sudden considering themselves apt enough to condemn all gay guys of being innately confused about what they want in a relationship?

    OP, the simpler answer is this: lots of guys on this site are here because they are single. That's it. I mean, what more reason need there be? We're not all a bunch of confused wrecks desperately trying to obscure or deny our shortcomings by bagging a trophy boyfriend.

    I guess some people really just want to see relationships as intrinsically difficult - and I pity them.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Mar 30, 2013 3:37 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidyour posts says nothing that has not already been said.

    there are so many on here that are single because despite having an amazing body or an attractive face they are ugly people.

    Ugly people are ugly. They can change the body, they can work on the face but scratch the surface and you see nothin but lead.

    Then of course you got the ugly ones who are just in and out ugly and no amount of work is gonna change that.
    ^^^^^ You gotta love this guy^^^^^
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 30, 2013 3:41 AM GMT
    Because we can
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    Mar 30, 2013 4:04 AM GMT
    Your elegant post calls for introspection, which is why I think you've drawn so many hateful responses from guys who think they are too good for anyone.

    My personal view is that we all suffer from the myth of perfect compatibility. We think there must be something better out there than what we've had, because there were things we didn't like about those guys.

    If we would just quit acting like self-absorbed pricks and realize that no two people are pefectly aligned, then we could get on to the real work of negotiating our differences and creating lasting relationships.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2013 4:59 AM GMT
    shortbutsweet saidYour elegant post calls for introspection, which is why I think you've drawn so many hateful responses from guys who think they are too good for anyone.

    My personal view is that we all suffer from the myth of perfect compatibility. We think there must be something better out there than what we've had, because there were things we didn't like about those guys.

    If we would just quit acting like self-absorbed pricks and realize that no two people are pefectly aligned, then we could get on to the real work of negotiating our differences and creating lasting relationships.


    ^^^ I agree with a lot of this. I can only speak about my experiences:

    I've had three solid gay relationships, and they all ended with some pretty rough heartbreak. I've taken all of those experiences, written about them, analyzed my behavior, and my partners behaviors, and learned a lot. In all instances I have fundamentally learned that I cared for all partners, and they cared for me. I was using them to fulfill unrealistic fantasies of my future that I felt I could have only built with a partner. For example, with one ex I wanted him to be a planner, because I was a planner... Now I realize that he didn't need to be. Another ex was a big video game player. It bothered me because I wasn't one. I wanted him to change. But now I realize that I could have been running while he was playing games and we would both be happy. Now I know that I am responsible for my happiness. I can make nearly all of my dreams come true with hard work and determination. I realize that when I connect with a man, or make love to a man, or fall in love with a man, that it can't ever be about me and my needs. I try my best now to love someone for their positive aspects, and to help them build on their goals, and I want someone who does the same for me... But if it just doesn't work out, it doesn't mean we have to hate each other. But I don't ever want to use someone to make a goal happen. Even kids. I can be a single gay dad one day, and when I have the resources I will, if I have not already met a man who has similar dreams.

    For me, part of negotiating with a partner who you are "90 percent in line with" is figuring out the 10 percent where they can't help you, and getting those needs met by yourself, with friends, with family, with perhaps other lovers if you're open. I want someone who is 80 to 90% compatible, but 100% dedicated to making it work.