looking for some advice and to vent.

  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Mar 30, 2013 2:19 AM GMT
    i just recently moved back to my hometown in the past few months.
    I started dating my very first boyfriend again whom i've known for almost 8 years now. Nothing has ever been bad between us and we always liked talking and cared for each other.

    we said that we both didn't want a boyfriend right now because we had just gotten out of relationships. However, the chemistry between us has always been there and was a bit too powerful to turn down.

    Even with such emotion behind the relationship, very very stressful situations seemed to keep appearing. the one year anniversary of his fathers death, me running out of funds while working at a bad job, him finding out he had a very serious illness, and our sex life being next to none because of the stress. We cuddled, but he wouldn't want to do much else. Whenever i would, he wouldn't be in the mood and i felt like i was doing something he didn't want. All this accumulated into our relationship becoming stressful.

    a few days ago we broke up. He said that he needed to work on himself right now and that having a relationship only added to the stress....i was heartbroken.

    i really love this guy...and he says he really loves me. He says he wants to sort his life out so that we won't have these stressful things on our relationship, but i can't stop thinking about how it wasn't to the point of breaking up for me.

    id stay with him and help him through everything....i would've married this guy if i could've. i am just really scared of letting him go and not coming back.


    i've never felt this way for anyone, and for me, it's a very big deal. I try to think things through logically, but this is very difficult for me.

    i would really appreciate to hear what you guys think.
    thanks for your time guys <3
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Mar 30, 2013 3:03 AM GMT
    i know it's a long post guys, but i just would like some insight as to how this looks from a different perspective.

    thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2013 3:09 AM GMT
    Honestly, it sounds like you guys really do and truly care for eachother. My advice for you is to do what you think is right. Even if that means you feeling heart broken. You do what you think is best for him, perhaps tell him how you are feeling? If it is meant to be then it is meant to be. Every relationship has a road block, and this may only be a small hurtle to overcome icon_smile.gif
  • blueyedgrey20...

    Posts: 285

    Mar 30, 2013 3:14 AM GMT
    dont sweat it he loves tha hell outta you otherwise he would not bother trying to figure stuff out and make your relationship better man!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2013 3:23 AM GMT
    How long had it been since you two broke up (the first time), and how long since you've been away from your hometown (as a permanent residence)?

    There's a chance he may have built up (or, was pursuing) a more desirable relationship that he's having trouble concealing, and he's scared of upsetting you over it.

    More likely, he may be suffering depression issues tied to his bereavement and illness, and doesn't want to drag you down into it.

    Try going the platonic route, and set aside a steady time and place to meet up (ex. "Third Thursdays," or "Second Saturdays"). A routine, predictable schedule keeps you in touch with him without him feeling like you're crowding the space he feels he needs at this time.

    Also, in between meet-ups, try a pen-pal approach: actual pen-and-paper in the mail, instead of the type-and-click nature of expedient electronic discourse. Encourage him to write you back. It allows communication to feel more sincere, and may get him to open up a little to you.

    I wouldn't suggest whether or not he's in love anymore, but the finite information you shared leaves me the impression that he values you at least as a close friend. Don't rush things, but build from there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2013 3:26 AM GMT
    nefficles saidwe said that we both didn't want a boyfriend right now because we had just gotten out of relationships.


    I think you may have answered your own question, nefficles. You seem like a sweet young man, and so does he. Maybe one or both of you really did need time to process what went wrong with your past relationships before you entered a new one. Maybe the stakes were higher for this one, because you really care about each other.

    Although "I need to work on myself" is sometimes a semi-polite way to say, "I'm just not that into you," from what you've told us so far, it seems he may have been sincere. Give him some space. But then, talk about what you were both feeling. Honest communication is the only way to make sure you are both getting what you want.

    Good luck.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    Mar 30, 2013 3:34 AM GMT
    We all need time to step back and look at how our lives is progressing. Your bf is asking for that time...let him have it. Once he sorts things out the first memory that will come to his mind is this...You loved him enough to give him that time...In the meanwhile, make yourself the priority..Decide what career would give ya personal satisfaction.Center your goals around WHAT YOU WANT.Hope this helps ya man.
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Mar 30, 2013 6:26 PM GMT
    thanks for the collective insight guys.

    it sucks knowing that we may not happen again because nobody can predict the future, but getting my life on track and his life on track are both things that need to be done for our own well being.

    i actually broke down and talked with my mom about it too.

    she said "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours"

    i don't normally share this kind of stuff with my mom, but that made so much sense to me.


    thank you guys. you are awesome <3
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2013 6:34 PM GMT
    I would try to be there for him and help him through it. If he loves you as much as you love him, then you two should be together. Don't let life ruin your love.

    But if he wants space, give it to him. Respect his decision, but let him know how much you care for him.
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Mar 30, 2013 6:53 PM GMT
    mybud saidWe all need time to step back and look at how our lives is progressing. Your bf is asking for that time...let him have it. Once he sorts things out the first memory that will come to his mind is this...You loved him enough to give him that time...In the meanwhile, make yourself the priority..Decide what career would give ya personal satisfaction.Center your goals around WHAT YOU WANT.Hope this helps ya man.


    thanks man icon_smile.gif
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Apr 08, 2013 10:21 PM GMT
    update:

    im left in this weird limbo state right now...we're trying to be friends while he is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself.

    however, it is very emotionally draining to me to do this for him. he wants me to be there, but all i want is to hold his hand or to kiss him...

    when i ask him if he wants to just be friends or get back together he says he doesn't know. so i am left with all these feelings that are just going crazy inside me.

    i have no idea what i am doing :/
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Apr 08, 2013 10:55 PM GMT
    Life is difficult for everyone but especially, I think, for young people. At your age you need to figure out your place in the world, your values, your ambitions...

    Ending a relationship is never easy. But you're young and in all reality you will probably have many more boyfriends in your life. And each new boyfriend will mean breaking up with an old boyfriend and all the drama associated with breaking up.

    I know it probably feels like the end of the world right now but I promise you that in years to come you will look back on this relationship in context with all the other relationships you have had and all the other relationships you have yet to have. You learn more and more about yourself with each relationship you have and each ended relationship better prepares you for the next.

    Sounds like your bf is ready to move on. You can't force him to love you so it is probably better to just end the relationship with all the dignity and grace you can muster. Offer to remain friends, support each other if you can, and who knows, maybe in the future this story will have a Part 3!

    In the meanwhile, enjoy being young and enjoy the search for the next man in your life.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 10, 2013 4:16 AM GMT
    nefficles saidupdate:

    im left in this weird limbo state right now...we're trying to be friends while he is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself.

    however, it is very emotionally draining to me to do this for him. he wants me to be there, but all i want is to hold his hand or to kiss him...

    when i ask him if he wants to just be friends or get back together he says he doesn't know. so i am left with all these feelings that are just going crazy inside me.

    i have no idea what i am doing :/


    I advised you to give him the space he needs. If you are asking him to get back together with you, you aren't doing that. As hard as it may be, you may have to wait months or even years before he is ready to be with you again, if ever. If you can't do that, you probably can't really be his friend, either.
  • bikj2003

    Posts: 19

    Apr 10, 2013 4:26 AM GMT
    we all think that love has a defenition .....does the sky does the air we breath the spark of life ....the spark of love does not .....go to him tell him that you believe you are strong enough to be the one he needs .....even if that means you must wait ....dont take your hand off the door dont let it close
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 10, 2013 4:38 AM GMT
    Sigh.

    You've been given some excellent advice in this thread. What your mom said is exactly right, too.

    Many of us have this idea that loving someone makes life easier. Well, sometimes it does. But not always. And not always forever, either. I've lived a long life and I've gone through a lot of things, many I couldn't possibly have predicted. Sometimes it just hurts like hell and you wonder if you'll get through it. You will.

    I believe in love. I believe love is a very powerful force. More powerful even than sex, and sex is very powerful. Love can mean a lot of different things but one thing it always has to mean at some point is letting go. Sometimes you have to learn to hold it and let it go all at the same time. It's almost spiritual, a kind of inner discipline.

    I know it is hard not to obsess about it but the trick is to not be driven by fear but guided by something deeper, more real.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Apr 10, 2013 5:04 AM GMT
    Love is tough. From your post it seems you both really care for each other. He really cares for you in that, he knows you guys' relationship hasn't been perfect and he wants to take time to fix himself that way he can be the best man for you.

    This situation is tough. Go with your heart, have a one on one with him and tell him how you feel and how bad the situation gets, that you will always be there for him when he needs you. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, eventually I'm sure everything will works its way out, the way it's supposed to be, but until then, I'm sure it's gonna suck more than Whitney Houston's mouth to the crack pipe. (Too soon? IDGAF)