How much should I trust my instincts?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2013 1:55 AM GMT
    One of my peripheral friends' new bf recently became part of our gruop. We first found him a month ago sitting alone at a bar, which is about as much evidence as I have against that guy's character. He's not ugly, but somehow his face has that je ne sai quoi that screams "craigslist", and I was the only one to refuse accepting his facebook add. Luckily he hasn't reminded me again after my last excuse about not checking facebook often enough. I trust my intuition heavily, but my friends say this is too much?
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    Mar 31, 2013 2:12 AM GMT
    I trust me a lot. It's caused me to miss a few opportunities but has played out right more often that I care to recall.

    If something doesn't seem right don't go there
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2013 2:15 AM GMT
    "Always trust your intuition, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't" - Adriana Lima

    I always follow that rule. It has saved me from a lot of trouble.
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    Mar 31, 2013 2:33 AM GMT
    gooddaytoday saidOne of my peripheral friends' new bf recently became part of our gruop. We first found him a month ago sitting alone at a bar, which is about as much evidence as I have against that guy's character. He's not ugly, but somehow his face has that je ne sai quoi that screams "craigslist", and I was the only one to refuse accepting his facebook add. Luckily he hasn't reminded me again after my last excuse about not checking facebook often enough. I trust my intuition heavily, but my friends say this is too much?




    This is referred to as Contempt Prior to Investigation.

    Basically, you don't trust this guy's face and he gives you the creeps...but for no apparent reason......
    Why don't you make an effort to get to know him better before you pass any sort of judgement on him?
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    Mar 31, 2013 2:52 AM GMT
    GordHunter said
    gooddaytoday saidOne of my peripheral friends' new bf recently became part of our gruop. We first found him a month ago sitting alone at a bar, which is about as much evidence as I have against that guy's character. He's not ugly, but somehow his face has that je ne sai quoi that screams "craigslist", and I was the only one to refuse accepting his facebook add. Luckily he hasn't reminded me again after my last excuse about not checking facebook often enough. I trust my intuition heavily, but my friends say this is too much?




    This is referred to as Contempt Prior to Investigation.

    Basically, you don't trust this guy's face and he gives you the creeps...but for no apparent reason......
    Why don't you make an effort to get to know him better before you pass any sort of judgement on him?


    Agreed!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 31, 2013 5:09 AM GMT
    Why exactly don't you like him?
    You could be right, or you could have a little green monster inside playing with your head.
    How much do you know about him?
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Mar 31, 2013 5:23 AM GMT
    Good thing you've spent enough time on Craigslist to recognize a true culprit.

    Asshole.
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    Mar 31, 2013 5:40 AM GMT
    I'm going to agree with both parties here.

    Definitely go with your instinct if you feel uneasy around him, but also try to get to know him too.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Mar 31, 2013 5:49 AM GMT
    gooddaytoday said to refuse accepting his facebook add. Luckily he hasn't reminded me again after my last excuse about not checking facebook often enough. I trust my intuition heavily, but my friends say this is too much?


    just because he's friends with your friends does not make him your friend too. This is something that lots of people don't remember online. IF he really wants to be your friend, set up a "get to know you date" and be sure he's the one arranging it.
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    Mar 31, 2013 8:35 AM GMT
    The OP here sounds like a first rate asshole, unwelcoming, perhaps jealous of the new guy's spot in the clique, and just down right inept at social skills.

    It's Facebook. It's not an invitation to a date; or an invitation into your home.

    You don't like his face is the best thing you can come up with? Listen to yourself. Does that sound more than a bit juvenile?

    Now just being queer, or a friend of a friend, does not entitle him to instant acceptance, but, you've rejected him over his face.

    On the other hand, I pre block pictureless here, I don't friend anyone on Facebook that is a pictureless). Some face is better than none.

    I have folks look me up all the time on Facebook, and, if I don't know them, or they know someone I know, I don't friend them, but....to me...it sounds like you're a first rate jerk.
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    Mar 31, 2013 8:39 AM GMT
    GordHunter said
    gooddaytoday saidOne of my peripheral friends' new bf recently became part of our gruop. We first found him a month ago sitting alone at a bar, which is about as much evidence as I have against that guy's character. He's not ugly, but somehow his face has that je ne sai quoi that screams "craigslist", and I was the only one to refuse accepting his facebook add. Luckily he hasn't reminded me again after my last excuse about not checking facebook often enough. I trust my intuition heavily, but my friends say this is too much?




    This is referred to as Contempt Prior to Investigation.

    Basically, you don't trust this guy's face and he gives you the creeps...but for no apparent reason......
    Why don't you make an effort to get to know him better before you pass any sort of judgement on him?


    I suspect underlying jealousy, etc. The action is likely a projection of those feelings.

    Now, I will friend folks on Facebook that smoke, but..I don't date them, don't have them in my home, etc. Smokers stink.

    Sometimes, we have a good reason to be guarded, but, for me, the red flags are always when folks hide their face, their name, won't give a call, etc. Those are huge red flags and I get rid of them.
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Mar 31, 2013 5:12 PM GMT
    Trust your instincts enough to put them on the back burner and use the wait and see approach. Don't try to prove out your instincts see what happens, you could be wrong. If you start seeing things which support your instincts as time progresses then do what you think is right. I think it's a little early to totally discredit this guy though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2013 5:15 PM GMT
    Why would you want to be friends with someone who gives you the creeps? You're under no obligation to friend him on FB.

    You can ignore him or reject him for any or no reason.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Mar 31, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    Be there for your friend, but just be mindful what you say and how you say it.

    .....besides, "friending" someone on facebook hardly indicates a deep meaningful relationship. You can limit what others see. -
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    Mar 31, 2013 5:26 PM GMT
    I can't tell enough from this article, but I would at least give the guy a chance. If you feel you can't trust him though, keep your guard up.
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    Mar 31, 2013 5:58 PM GMT
    gooddaytoday saidOne of my peripheral friends' new bf recently became part of our group.

    And what does your peripheral friend's instincts tell him about his new BF? Have you asked your friend? And as far as "finding him... sitting alone at a bar" I'm not sure why that's significant. I've found decent guys sitting alone, as guys have found me.

    When I first met my present partner I sensed the wariness of his friends, could almost see them "circling the wagons" around him. Who was this stranger (me), was I worthy of their friend, would I hurt him, take advantage of him? In a way I was pleased & impressed he had such loyal & protective friends, that I interpreted as the favorable sign of a good man much loved & respected, as he indeed is.

    But now I had a challenge: I knew I had to win over his friends, as well as his very close Italian family, if I was gonna win him over, too. And it wasn't the first time, I had done the same with past BFs and with my late partner.

    It will be interesting to see if your friend's new BF makes overtures to your group. And I hope you'll be open-minded and give him a chance. Cautious, yes, but not prejudiced, and not programming him to fail. And beware your own jealousy & selfish interests, make sure you understand your own true personal agenda in this.

    As for me, I did win over his family & friends. His sister calls me her brother, and his older brother & I have become great friends. And my partner claims his friends now like me more than him. Not true, of course, a bit of ironic hyperbole. (Though my nickname with them is Saint Robert, they in turn now joking that no one but a saint could live with him, having gone from shielding him from me, to giving me total custody - LOL!)

    You may be overreacting, and I'd give this some more time. And even if your friend does get burned, I presume he's as youthful as you, and can chalk this up to a learning experience. He's your friend, not your son.
  • NHLFAN

    Posts: 370

    Mar 31, 2013 6:00 PM GMT
    gooddaytoday saidOne of my peripheral friends' new bf recently became part of our gruop. We first found him a month ago sitting alone at a bar, which is about as much evidence as I have against that guy's character. He's not ugly, but somehow his face has that je ne sai quoi that screams "craigslist", and I was the only one to refuse accepting his facebook add. Luckily he hasn't reminded me again after my last excuse about not checking facebook often enough. I trust my intuition heavily, but my friends say this is too much?


    Since when does sitting at a bar alone have anything to do with character? If that's all you have as "evidence" you need to look at yourself and determine why you feel the way you do. He was sitting at a bar by himself. Big deal. Perhaps there is more to this story you aren't telling?