Sleeping With Men You Don't Find Attractive

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Apr 01, 2013 2:22 PM GMT
    I used to do this. Maybe I just liked the attention or needed another fucked up experience because I somehow didn't have enough already. But I slept with enough "unattractive" men that I almost forgot how good it was to sleep with a man I found attractive.

    I eventually realized that I needed to stop doing this because it was creating a huge dissonance for me. Some of the guys were very kind, but there was no attraction there.

    I can't be the only one who has done this though, I would imagine there are many gay men who date and/or sleep with men they don't find attractive, for different reasons.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Apr 01, 2013 2:37 PM GMT
    it's called a pity fuck. . .

    we've prb all been there at one point. . .
    When I was likw 18 - 19.... I remember a pity fuck or two. Very nice of them to fuck me, as I was so god damn ugly back then. Jesus Christ.
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    Apr 01, 2013 2:59 PM GMT
    Your are rationalizing, projecting... and now fishing for appeasement !
    ..The bottom line is...
    This is not what YOU need or want.. The best thing for YOU..is to stop!

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    Apr 01, 2013 3:07 PM GMT


    "Some of the guys were very kind, but there was no attraction there."

    I consider that the best reason to stop.

    There were a couple of times I did this, very young and lonely in the big city on my own. I met one or two that rang all the bells except.......there was no spark.
    I tried anyway, thinking I'd change as how could I not; they were perfect.

    They got hurt, so never again.
    When my turn came, which it did no few times, I had to remember those two men and how I confused them.


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    Apr 01, 2013 3:10 PM GMT
    yea, I've been hurt by a guy like you.. dick!
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    Apr 01, 2013 3:41 PM GMT
    Part of the excitement is the attraction to the guy you're with. Sounds like some very low self esteem issues on your part.
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    Apr 01, 2013 3:43 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidPart of the excitement is the attraction to the guy you're with. Sounds like some very low self esteem issues on your part.

    This. My lord, this times everything possible.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Apr 01, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    smartmoney said
    eb925guy saidPart of the excitement is the attraction to the guy you're with. Sounds like some very low self esteem issues on your part.

    This. My lord, this times everything possible.


    I agree... it feels... electric
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    Apr 01, 2013 4:03 PM GMT
    I'm willing to bet that about 1/2 of those guys whom you slept with were only interested in sex and nothing more. They cared more about getting in your pants than your feelings. And that's a score for them while your dissonance was increasing. So now I would think you've learned your lesson and next time you do have sex, it'll be with a guy you not only find attractive, but care deeply about.
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    Apr 01, 2013 4:08 PM GMT
    I have a little saying I say to myself: "Just because I slept with you before doesn't mean I'll have sex with you again! I have my standards, ya know."

    When I was younger I played with a lot of guys who weren't my type, especially in my 20s when I was with my bi bud. Lots of people wanted to have sex with us and we were very accommodating. It was fun. We used to turn the joke around about why God made alcohol: so we could get drunk and have sex with ugly people. That's just terrible, I know. But we were a little crazy back then. Only now that I'm so much older, I wait for everyone else to get drunk before going out so they'll have sex with me. Jokes on me, haha. Such is life.

    More seriously, I used to experiment a lot with different types of people. I did that purposely to explore myself, to see how I reacted, to understand myself. Then from probably my 30s to about 50 I only played with guys who totally turned me on from the get go and that was fun too, though for 10 years of that my primary relationship was with a guy who did not turn me on much at all even though a very handsome himself. We played with others together and separately to satisfy that.

    But now I find myself experimenting again. I do this very purposely because I'm approaching my 60s and then 70s and my dad is in his 80s and I've got relatives into their 90s and I don't want to be alone for that long a time. So I've been easing myself into it, having sex with people who don't normally turn me on. So I can do that to some degree. There's a limit, of course. But I do try to consciously expand the range of who typically catches my eye.

    We're guys and we're gay and we very visually connect. I don't want that to interfere with my happiness and at least some sense of sexual satisfaction or with my ability to partner with someone who might have some otherwise very wonderful qualities that were I to only focus on the sexual aspect of a relationship, I would wind up denying myself their good company.

    We put a very high premium at too high a cost on having sex only with they who turn us on completely. We do that not just based on looks, but to pigeon hole ourselves even more, to isolate ourselves, we pick and chose based on masc/fem stuff, on age, on sexual acts, on innumerable variables when we ourselves are in such limited supply. You may luck out and find the guy for a period of time, but otherwise it's a perfect formula to wind up living life alone.
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    Apr 01, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    Honestly - - I never slept with anyone I wouldn't have taken to breakfast. Back in my single days, if I wasn't attracted to someone - nothing was going to happen. Most of my friends and I had our fair share of hook ups (called one-nighters in the late 70's & 80's) and I have some very good memories!
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    Apr 02, 2013 1:50 AM GMT
    Import saidit's called a pity fuck. . .

    we've prb all been there at one point. . .
    When I was likw 18 - 19.... I remember a pity fuck or two. Very nice of them to fuck me, as I was so god damn ugly back then. Jesus Christ.


    it's called self confidence. the person that receives the "pity fuck" has low self esteem and the person that gives it has a huge ego where they think they're the shit and that they're better than the next person. it's lame really.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Apr 02, 2013 2:03 AM GMT
    Seric saidyea, I've been hurt by a guy like you.. dick!

    Have you gotten a new face in recent years? If not, how could nearly any gay guy not find you attractive.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1165

    Apr 02, 2013 4:17 AM GMT
    Strange. Always figured this was one of those rare weird things straight guys do that gays don't.
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    Apr 02, 2013 4:27 AM GMT
    We all have few regrets
  • Tombo

    Posts: 355

    Apr 02, 2013 6:39 AM GMT
    Yeah, I did this after I first came out and I didn't really know how to say no after I had let up with someone. I always wanted to go for as date but they would just come over, expecting sex and it sucked, some of them I really wasn't attracted to and one of them was pinchy and bitey, it is cringed thinking back to it
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    Apr 02, 2013 7:17 AM GMT
    Hah! Thx to grindr. The pic was a lie. I drove for quite some time so just wanted to get my rocks off.

    One and only time I let my standards down.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Apr 02, 2013 7:29 AM GMT
    Why does sex require attraction?
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    Apr 02, 2013 7:52 AM GMT
    Medjai saidWhy does sex require attraction?


    So you can get through it without throwing up ..! (Duh)
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    Apr 02, 2013 8:04 AM GMT
    icon_redface.gif...

    I admit, I have slept with some guys who I don't find attractive, but it's not a pity fuck. Their forward aggressiveness is what turned me on. At the end of the night we both got off and it was good.
    But lately I had the realization that the other reason I slept with them was that I knew I was not interested in having a relationship with them. As long as I got my rocks off, that's all I cared about. I know that sounded shallow, but it's true.
    So now I'm extra picky. Not to be snobby, but if I don't see myself having a relationship with that person, I won't have sex with him.
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    Apr 02, 2013 8:41 AM GMT
    Was this for money? Like, I can understand if it were your job... icon_razz.gif
  • wherewillwebe

    Posts: 120

    Apr 02, 2013 8:58 AM GMT
    theantijock saidI have a little saying I say to myself: "Just because I slept with you before doesn't mean I'll have sex with you again! I have my standards, ya know."

    When I was younger I played with a lot of guys who weren't my type, especially in my 20s when I was with my bi bud. Lots of people wanted to have sex with us and we were very accommodating. It was fun. We used to turn the joke around about why God made alcohol: so we could get drunk and have sex with ugly people. That's just terrible, I know. But we were a little crazy back then. Only now that I'm so much older, I wait for everyone else to get drunk before going out so they'll have sex with me. Jokes on me, haha. Such is life.

    More seriously, I used to experiment a lot with different types of people. I did that purposely to explore myself, to see how I reacted, to understand myself. Then from probably my 30s to about 50 I only played with guys who totally turned me on from the get go and that was fun too, though for 10 years of that my primary relationship was with a guy who did not turn me on much at all even though a very handsome himself. We played with others together and separately to satisfy that.

    But now I find myself experimenting again. I do this very purposely because I'm approaching my 60s and then 70s and my dad is in his 80s and I've got relatives into their 90s and I don't want to be alone for that long a time. So I've been easing myself into it, having sex with people who don't normally turn me on. So I can do that to some degree. There's a limit, of course. But I do try to consciously expand the range of who typically catches my eye.

    We're guys and we're gay and we very visually connect. I don't want that to interfere with my happiness and at least some sense of sexual satisfaction or with my ability to partner with someone who might have some otherwise very wonderful qualities that were I to only focus on the sexual aspect of a relationship, I would wind up denying myself their good company.

    We put a very high premium at too high a cost on having sex only with they who turn us on completely. We do that not just based on looks, but to pigeon hole ourselves even more, to isolate ourselves, we pick and chose based on masc/fem stuff, on age, on sexual acts, on innumerable variables when we ourselves are in such limited supply. You may luck out and find the guy for a period of time, but otherwise it's a perfect formula to wind up living life alone.


    this
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    Apr 02, 2013 9:12 AM GMT
    Erik101 saidI'm willing to bet that about 1/2 of those guys whom you slept with were only interested in sex and nothing more. They cared more about getting in your pants than your feelings. And that's a score for them while your dissonance was increasing. So now I would think you've learned your lesson and next time you do have sex, it'll be with a guy you not only find attractive, but care deeply about.


    +1 I don't agree with the term pity fuck, I think it's a horrible term that denotes a guy getting off on thinking he is better than the guy he is sleeping with, that is a different issue from what the Op writes. I have done it in the past primarily due to very limitied circumstances and thinking if I didn't get any action after a year or so my knob might fall off, we were both on the same page as to what we wanted but for my part at least, it was a horrible and empty experience and for all I am aware, he might have been thinking the same. So pity fuck no, necessary fuck perhaps and I agree with Erik 101, been there, done that, learnt my lesson, time to move on!
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    Apr 02, 2013 9:13 AM GMT
    tumblr_mg3mtvRJTv1rnatwqo1_500.gif

    Meh I'm just procrastinating icon_biggrin.gif
  • goodmagic

    Posts: 191

    Apr 02, 2013 9:24 AM GMT
    For me I am attracted to many different things it's not all about the looks. I think personality scores big with me aswell. I think I made some bad decisions with my beer bifocals on. I just forgive myself and promise not to do it again anytime soon.
    I wouldn't worry about it. Gay men usually lose interest or move on once that had sex with you anyway.

    Just remember sex is suppose to be fun. If you got hard with these guys there must have been something there. The older you get the more choosier you will become. The idea of sex just for sex has grown boring to me. If I am in the mood great. If I'm not in the mood I'm not gonna force it for any guy. Also if these guys would make your friends look at you like your crazy don't do it!