Date going on hook ups sites?

• FrenchyUK
  
  Posts: 4
  
  
  Apr 02, 2013 2:22 PM GMT

  Hello
  Really need your opinion on something who does really bothers me
  I met that guy 3 months ago on Grindr- he's not local though and lives about 200 miles from me...we managed to meet and now are seeing each other at least twice a month for 2 or 3 days at the time...met his parents few days ago for Easter dinner...everything seems good but it's not.
  I was bit annoyed with him still using Grindr but he assured me it wasn't his intentions to meet anyone, was just here to chat with guys he met ( not physically) on here. I wasn't convinced ( I'm old school and think that if you are dating someone, you don't need to use those sites) but at the same time,we just met so I though ok ,go ahead. One evening, I create a false profile ( I know, a bit despicable) and started to chat with him when he was online. Few minutes later, I managed to get a sex date. I called him straight away and told him that it was over and even though we weren't officially bf, I felt betrayed. He apologised and I accepted to see him to talk about it. We spent the following week end together, all good and talked about that. He says it was bored that day ( when i caught him on Grindr)and assured me he wasn't going to meet that guy... That I don't believe but I still forgave him.
  The long distance thing is a problem but he's planning to move back to London at the end of the year, so well probably see each other more...we got a week away planned in July and a show in October, so the guy is making plans with me....he promised me to delete his Grindr account.
  Then yesterday I found him on Scruff...as you can imagine I was a bit upset so I create another profile and started to chat to him again....tried to lure him again for a sex hook up but didnt worked this time, he just wanted to meet for a coffee....he even mentioned to that "guy" he was kind of seeing someone and just wanted to meet for drinks....so my question is should I trust him? Is it ok to let him go for drinks with other guys? I know he doesnt have many friends where he lives (he moved three years ago because of a previous relationship but wants to move back to london)I understand that the relation just started and he might not know what is feelings are at the moment towards me....and also know I should stop snooping around because it will drive me crazy and will eventually ruin the relation between us...so I decided not to mention that I know he's got a Scruff account and just see how it goes...any advices or personal experiences ....sorry for the long post and my not so perfect English, it's not my first language ;-)

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• dragonyear
  
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  Apr 02, 2013 2:28 PM GMT

  from my personal experience, many people in relationship and still have profile somewhere online meaning they are after something, unless he is without any friends in real life, i dont think he needs to be there.
  discuss with him that you do not like him to be in any online sites....Discussion is the key.
  He may really want a coffee but we will not know what happen next.As you caught him once, it can happen again

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• FrenchyUK
  
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  Apr 02, 2013 2:34 PM GMT

  We did talked about it....the distance is an issue at the moment and I think he genuinely just trying to make new friends that way....he knows I don't like it but as we are not officially together yet, there is not much I can say or do

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• dragonyear
  
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  Apr 02, 2013 2:38 PM GMT

  understand, best way is wait till official, because he is still allowed to meet and have fun with someone else because you both arent bf yet
  Goodluck )

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• Tombo
  
  Posts: 357
  
  
  Apr 02, 2013 4:51 PM GMT

  Ugh guys going on grindr while on a date is my pet peeve.

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  Apr 02, 2013 10:21 PM GMT

  Let's see, Your bf is still active on Grindr and Scruff and he's still arranging hookups, he originally claimed his account is still active just so he can chat with other guys.....chat?...really?
  You have been deceptive yourself, spying and setting up false accounts to entrap him, in the end you found exactly what you were looking for.
  
  As another RJ member stated in a different thread:
  "You lose them as you found them."
  
  You may want to rethink this relationship, there is zero trust.
  Your bf lies and you are devious...sorry, but I don't see much hope.
  It's only been 3 months, cut your losses and move forward.
  
  It will benefit yourself and your future relationships if you develop a very clear set of boundaries; what you're able to tolerate and what is a "deal breaker." Make sure your partner is aware of your set of principals and stick to them.
  It may save you from doing "damage control" afterward.
  
  I feel you really need to work on your trust issues as well, you will always be looking for something that may, or may not be there. Regardless, mistrust will destroy any relationship.

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• wherewillwebe
  
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  Apr 02, 2013 10:43 PM GMT

  GordHunter saidLet's see, Your bf is still active on Grindr and Scruff and he's still arranging hookups, he originally claimed his account is still active just so he can chat with other guys.....chat?...really?
  You have been deceptive yourself, spying and setting up false accounts to entrap him, in the end you found exactly what you were looking for.
  
  As another RJ member stated in a different thread:
  "You lose them as you found them."
  
  You may want to rethink this relationship, there is zero trust.
  Your bf lies and you are devious...sorry, but I don't see much hope.
  It's only been 3 months, cut your losses and move forward.
  
  It will benefit yourself and your future relationships if you develop a very clear set of boundaries; what you're able to tolerate and what is a "deal breaker." Make sure your partner is aware of your set of principals and stick to them.
  It may save you from doing "damage control" afterward.
  
  I feel you really need to work on your trust issues as well, you will always be looking for something that may, or may not be there. Regardless, mistrust will destroy any relationship.

  
  
  this

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  Apr 02, 2013 10:50 PM GMT

  200 miles? , Hell to the No...dont they have mileage filters on Grindr or Scruff? where you live, Dogpatch Idaho?

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  Apr 03, 2013 4:33 AM GMT

  You are being duped. I do believe this guy likes you but not enough to stop hooking up. Plus him being far away will only make it easier for him to hook up. I say end this before you get too invested.

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• TheBizMan
  
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  Apr 03, 2013 4:51 AM GMT

  No no no. Grindr in a relationship = fail.
  
  edit: unless you both are ok with it.
  
  

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  Apr 03, 2013 5:14 AM GMT

  GordHunter said
  Your bf lies and you are devious...sorry, but I don't see much hope.
  

  
  
  Don't be silly, GordHunter. They're perfect for each other.
  
  Seriously, though, I can't be in a relationship without trust. In fact, it wouldn't matter if he were actually using hookup sites; if I even suspected he was, it would be over. I also wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me. So, your behavior would be a dealbreaker, too.
  
  My advice? Find someone trustworthy. Then trust him.

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  Apr 03, 2013 5:20 AM GMT

  If you can put up with it, great, but you can't...respect yourself and your morals and leave him to play his way to another guy, life is too short to waste time on guys who can't invest in you...good luck!

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• dragonyear
  
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  Apr 03, 2013 5:34 AM GMT

  afl35 saidIf you can put up with it, great, but you can't...respect yourself and your morals and leave him to play his way to another guy, life is too short to waste time on guys who can't invest in you...good luck!

  
  
  
  100% agree.

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• nefficles
  
  Posts: 511
  
  
  Apr 03, 2013 5:36 AM GMT

  a part of me hates that i have a phone that doesn't have grindr, and the other part loves that i can't use the damn thing hah

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  Apr 03, 2013 7:38 AM GMT

  Something to ponder.
  
  Lies never live alone. They are always in little packs protecting each other.
  
  Truth can stand alone and survive.
  
  He's lied once.. how many other times has he lied to cover for the lie that's covering the first lie that you might not even think could even be a lie.

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  Apr 03, 2013 7:49 AM GMT

  lilTanker saidSomething to ponder.
  
  Lies never live alone. They are always in little packs protecting each other.
  
  Truth can stand alone and survive.
  
  He's lied once.. how many other times has he lied to cover for the lie that's covering the first lie that you might not even think could even be a lie.

  
  
  

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• FrenchyUK
  
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  Apr 03, 2013 7:57 AM GMT

  Thanks for the answers
  I really despise myself to be snooping around...I know I have trust issues dues to previous terrible relationships...think I will just wait and see...no more snooping and once we are official (if it happens), will ask him to remove those apps from his phone.if he refuses, I'm out.

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• wherewillwebe
  
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  Apr 03, 2013 10:37 AM GMT

  hi I understand how you want to ask him to remove that application once you guys get togeter. But...you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do....if he wished to be on grinder, he would keep re-installing it behind your back anyway...more lies and trust issues....

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• FrenchyUK
  
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  Apr 03, 2013 10:41 AM GMT

  Well I just hope he won't feel the need to go on there once we are together and will delete it without me asking...

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  Apr 03, 2013 10:56 AM GMT

  Sounds like you both are fans of lies and deception. You guys both have serious issues, and neither of you should be dating anyone right now.

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  Apr 03, 2013 11:34 AM GMT

  scruffLA said200 miles? , Hell to the No...dont they have mileage filters on Grindr or Scruff? where you live, Dogpatch Idaho?

  
  
  My last date was a guy 800 miles off... I live(d) in Bumblefuck, Alabama.

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  Apr 03, 2013 11:39 AM GMT

  Okay you need to call a spade a spade.
  If a guy trying to hook up with other guys while dating you is a deal breaker, then let it be a deal breaker and find someone else.
  Yeah people are going to be split about you making a fake profile to see if he was lying or not, but regardless you found out he was lying.
  Some people will call it devious or scheming, and generally I'd agree if you did this from nothing, however he did lie to you and I think it's better to see it for yourself rather than hear about it through the grapevine. At least that way you have a clearer vision of the situation and nothing is lost in translation so to speak.
  Generally I say it's better to find out if someone's a liar sooner rather than later so you don't waste your time on them.
  
  It really depends on what you want. Some people don't care if their bf's have accounts on other hook up or dating sites which is fine, to each their own.
  Personally yes I'm also a little old fashioned in the sense that in my eyes, someone doing that would communicate that they are just sticking to me until they find a 'better' deal and so if that was their intention I wouldn't have pursued anything with them from the beginning.
  The principle here is communication being open and honest. The fact that he lied about it, and then again made another account on something else and still hasn't told you despite him now knowing how it makes you feel clearly show's he either doesn't care for you that much or is a bad communicator or is a liar or is all of the above.
  
  Ask yourself, do you want to invest into someone like that?
  If he's lying this early on, what's to say he won't feel more comfortable to lie about more things to you later on since he thinks it's okay to do it now?
  In the long run will he add to your life or take away from it?
  
  TBH you met him on grindr, not that I've ever been on there but reading things about grindr from this site, it seems it's predominantly a hook up site so it's not really a surprise he wants to keep looking for hook ups.
  I mean yeah he SAID he only wanted to meet for coffee the second time around, but given he's admitted to lying to you before about the exact same thing the first time, I would also find it hard to believe because trust just doesn't magically come back from 1 talk, it takes time (at least for me anyway). If his words don't match up with his actions then he's lying again and for me that would be a deal breaker.
  
  To be perfectly honest with you, for him it might not be a big deal but if it is a big deal for you, call a spade a spade and just accept you're both too different, end it and find someone else.
  It's only been 3 months and so to him he might not see the relationship (or whatever you guys have) as serious as you do.
  If you really want to pursue it then that's fine, just weigh up personally for yourself if this will be something good or something bad for you in the long run, and not just emotionally but in health. The last thing you want is to 'catch' something off this guy because he was hooking up with randoms behind your back.

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• goodmagic
  
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  Apr 03, 2013 11:41 AM GMT

  [url][/url]

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• EricPrado
  
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  Apr 03, 2013 12:00 PM GMT

  Sounds kinda iffy to me but regardless or whether he is or he isn't you're still going to forgive him. Kinda sounds like you already did.

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  Apr 03, 2013 12:42 PM GMT

  FrenchyUK saidWell I just hope he won't feel the need to go on there once we are together and will delete it without me asking...

  
  
  I just left a relationship a couple months ago for this very same issue.
  
  However, I did exactly what you're saying you're going to do, I stuck with it until it finally ended in an aweful way.
  
  STOP!
  
  
  

  First:
  
  You already don't trust him and you are holding with you previous baggage from the past failed relationships, that in itself is already a no-no.
  
  You will start to seek out in him things that have happened before, you'll look for them so intently that you just might find them or push him to do it anyway just to prove you right. You're going to compare him to your exes, regardless if you want to or not. He has already burned you once and subconsciously, by your actions, you've already written him down in your book as unfaithful. Otherwise, why would you deceive him and lie about who you were just to see if he'd fall for a trap you set. Honestly, you're no better than him for that. Trust me, its going to get pretty bad.

  
  
  

  Second:
  
  The distance is a problem, it offers excuses and cop-outs from being faithful. If you cannot trust him from afar and he obviously can't wait to be closer to you, then thats a red flag you should not ignore!

  
  
  

  Third:
  
  It'd be a bit obvious that your second attempt to trap him wouldn't work, since he would be aware not to fall for it again. That shouldn't be a sign that all is well and the coast is clear. He is on to you and your games, now its just going to be harder to catch him.

  
  
  

  In conclusion:
  
  End this before it gets so deep that you can't get out of it without deep seated pain for both of you. People will not change on the whims and wishes of others, they do so on their own time. Right now, it sounds like neither him nor you are ready. Let it go and save yourself the time and drama that is sure to come. Work on yourself, get through the baggage you still carry with you, and then maybe look for a relationship. Learn what it is you really want and what you're willing to accept in another person.
  
  Right now, no offense,you sound desperate to just keep him to yourself regardless of all the signs and red flags of trouble ahead. Either you enjoy this kind of drama (as your past might dictate) or you're rather ignorant to your own needs.

  
  
  Get your shit together, let this guy go and move on with life. It shouldn't matter if he has a dick the size of king-kong or looks like a greek god. Nobody is worth the pain and drama you're about to go through if you continue down this path of lies, deceit, and drama.
  
  
  
  Take it from someone who is now recovering from this experience, or learn it the hard way on your own.
  
  Your choice.

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