How to open up a monogamous relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2013 2:27 PM GMT
    I would like to ask about open relationships, and those with experience in them.
    Did you and your partner agree to an open relationship from the start or was it agreed after a period of time? If agreed after, who initiated and how?
    I ask because I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, my first and only true boyfriend, he's my best friend and one of the most supportive people I have ever had in my life.
    I am still in process of coming out, and have made great strides in the last 3 years, which I credit part to him. Issue, as I become more confident in my own sexuality, I want to explore and have some fun, but I don't want to lose him. Complicated, and a bit of wanting my cake...yadda yadda. But seriously, it has been on my mind a lot, and I don't want to just end the relationship to explore, but i also have been very tempted to try new things and learn more about myself.
    But serious, any advice to approach the subject with my BF? I have never asked for advice on my relationships. I want him part of my life, and I understand this could be a detriment to our relationship.
    If it helps, points about me:
    28, closeted most my life, and to a degree still am at work and with much of my family.
    About my bf
    23, open since he was 15, and mentions how he had his "hook-up" phase years ago.

    Any advice is appreciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2013 3:49 PM GMT
    Ok sweet Kam, this one can be rough.

    First off you will get a lot of replies on this subject regarding the pro's of "each side"

    But you really need to decide what it is you want.

    That interest you have in sex, could be the detriment of your relationship. Something to consider is, how will this make your partner feel, and after having a sexual encounter with another guy, how will that become a part of you?

    Will it be something that begins to affect you, and possibly, your relationship?

    Be very cognizant of these things, because some open relationships begin to unbalance the primary relationship; Personally I feel that when two people love eachother, they become "content." What that means is simple- you are still alive, the interest in sex will never die, its a part of who we are as people, but we CONSCIOUSLY make the decision to refrain from this behavior because we have a choice to do so. Perhaps you just need another outlet to work on this curiosity such as therapy.

    OR.

    You can do what most people do- called being single and fucking as many guys as you want. Just hope your not one to lay in bed at night with a hollow feeling inside- wanting your boyfriend back- after he's moved on.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Apr 04, 2013 3:12 AM GMT
    whatever you do, if he thinks he is in a monogamous relationship, make sure he knows BEFORE he has sex with you again that he is not, if that is true. no cheating without telling.

    Nobody should be in a relationship of more than 3 months if they havent fucked at least 3 different guys. you have to get it out of your system.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Apr 04, 2013 3:59 AM GMT
    I think you should just move on.

    He'll be better off.
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    Apr 04, 2013 4:05 AM GMT
    Seen this exact situation before, bud, with a friend of mine. Cut the guy loose. Whether you do it now, in a year, or in ten years, that's where this is going.

    Not because you want to open up - plenty of couples do that - but for the reasons you do. Being in a relationship is not the place to explore yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2013 4:20 AM GMT
    Larkin saidSeen this exact situation before, bud, with a friend of mine. Cut the guy loose. Whether you do it now, in a year, or in ten years, that's where this is going.

    Not because you want to open up - plenty of couples do that - but for the reasons you do. Being in a relationship is not the place to explore yourself.


    mmhmm..

    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2013 7:30 AM GMT
    You're in different phases.

    Time to move on. It's not fair to your back-up plan
    safety net
    boyfriend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2013 9:49 AM GMT
    Good luck man. You'll explore not just sex but emotions to other guys also. Only one advice - be honest to Yourself, to Your boyfriend and don' t hide anything. And prepair for pain also...
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    Apr 04, 2013 1:03 PM GMT
    Here is what I did. I said, "LingLang, I travel a lot and sometimes I like to bang the hell out of complete strangers that I meet in distant cities." He said something, but I could not understand the mumbling, the ball gag made understanding what he was mumbling damn close to impossible. So we have an open relationship, which seems to work for me.
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    Apr 04, 2013 1:14 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidHere is what I did. I said, "LingLang, I travel a lot and sometimes I like to bang the hell out of complete strangers that I meet in distant cities." He said something, but I could not understand the mumbling, the ball gag made understanding what he was mumbling damn close to impossible. So we have an open relationship, which seems to work for me.


    I knew there was something "Slave-ish" about you !!
    (grrrrrrrrrrr)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2013 1:34 PM GMT
    OP lacks "baseline gratitude"...

    "Today..I am where I am because of you "
    "Now that you have opened my eyes ..and helped me with my sexual identity"

    BUH BYE !!!

    I want a house in the Hamptons .. Do I need one?.. Can I afford one??
    NO!!

    ...The long haul dude!!

    ..You are not being abused and your boyfriend seems/ sounds to be a wonderful guy..

    ..You want to toy with your relationship because your dick tells you so!!?

    In case you haven't noticed you are on a dating site with close to 300,000 single gay men!!

    ..If you think you can transition out to being a playboy and then ease back into a relationship if you choose..you are in for a surprise.

    Not attacking you..i'm sure you are sweet..I'm really trying to get you to think...
    Talk to your boyfriend !!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2013 2:20 PM GMT
    your best bet it to simply be upfront and honest with him. Open lines of communication are the backbone of a healthy relationship, be that a monogamous relationship, open relationship, or just a friendship. He obviously loves you enough to see you through the struggles of remaining in the closet- after 3 years with him, you should feel comfortable talking to him about anything- good or bad. From what you said, he sounds like the kind of guy that will stand by your side no matter what. (something that should never be taken for granted- as a loyal man is very hard to find)

    If you truly want him to remain the forefront of your life, communicating with him is the most crucial thing you can do, not ask for advice from people who don't really know all the logistics of your relationship- is impossible to sum up on a forum post. Try working through this phase with him- it's a risk, but one that could also strengthen your relationship greatly.
  • unicoman1

    Posts: 822

    Apr 04, 2013 2:37 PM GMT
    being that temper mental fly on the wall i am only seeing 1 side, but it appears that you are both in different phases in your lives. I respect both of your views in relationships, but don't agree with both of them, therefore:

    - I say that if you talk to him, and it's something he would want to explore then talk further.

    - If it's something he wouldn't want to experiment with, then you both should part ways.

    If he is your best friend, then talking about this should be relatively easy. Good luck. Peace and good things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    Someone who was there for you at your worst should not be left because you are at a much better place in your life.

    You are almost fully out... of course life is opening up. If you choose to leave your man, I would put money down that (hate to be cliche), the "grass is NOT greener", and you will realize that you lost something (your supportive man) that someone like me would love to have (a steady 3 year relationship that actually made it through bad times).

    You want your cake and you want to eat it too. You don't want to "lose" him but you also are starting to emotionally/physically/flirtaciously (sp?) distance yourself from him because you see a lot more guys than just him.

    When you're closeted it's easy to focus on one guy because you don't want people to know. When you are open, it opens a lot of doors.

    You have to make the decision to be with him/opening it up but I hope you think long and hard about what you are doing and who you could potentially hurt, and lose in this situation, because you know. Look inside yourself for that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    Oh where's my popcorn, here we go again, this is going to be a good one!
    Jimmy_bieber_Popcorn_cu-thumb-350x197-14