Friendship? Love? Where to draw the line?

  • niceguy_321

    Posts: 25

    Apr 03, 2013 9:13 PM GMT
    Kind of a long story, but here it goes. I have been talking to this guy for 2 and half years. We started talking on a dating site in Oct 2010. I didn’t think too much of it at the time because he was 2 hours away by plane across the United States. Plus, I wanted to date someone in my city.

    At that time, we talked on Skype a few hours each night. One day he decided he wanted to just be friends. I backed off and didn’t have communication for a couple months. There were a few texts here and there, but for the most part our communication pretty much stopped. We stopped talking because he was stressed with his job during tax season (at least that is what he said).

    That summer I was offered a new job and it was my focus. It was a very stressful summer; however, he started communicating with me again. I took it as a friendship at this point and wasn’t going to put my whole heart out there. Keep in mind; I still haven’t met him yet at this point. During this whole time, we have always talked about meeting up somewhere, but never actually taking action.

    Fast forward to last spring (2012), we had been communicating every day, but not to the extent of what it was when I first met him. We basically would talk about our days through texting, calling on the phone and skype. We work opposite shifts and our days off are not the same, so it’s kind of hard to communicate (but somehow we have managed).

    Last year, I decided to take a risk and buy plane tickets for June to go visit him (obviously told him about how I wanted to meet him). I wanted to meet him in person and I figured this would be the time to do it (during school before the real world kicked in). I had to be the one to do this because I knew he had a lot of responsibility such as house payments and such. I just knew that I didn’t want to have that “what if?” later down the road.

    I had such a blast, that I went down there again in August (again had a blast).
    At this point in time, I had to get back in the school and work mode. So, I didn’t have time to really think about it. However, he was confusing because he stated he liked me, but only considered me as a friend. Does he want a friendship or more?? He texted me a couple days later stating that he misses me at the house. I asked him if he likes me and he said yes (and lists all these qualities that he likes). I told him that I’m here for him if he needs someone to talk to. I felt better after having this conversation because there was some hope of something farther down the road.

    Fast forward to recently, I just got back from a trip to see him. During this trip, he took me to a different city (several hours away) where he grew up at. Almost had sex with the him, but got nervous because I have feelings for him. However, he still confuses me. He did say I was one of his best friends (someone he can talk to). However, has not said anything about taking the next step.

    Now, at the point of the story, we both had this idea of me moving down to where he is at for the summer. I have an internship for school that needs to be fulfilled. He agreed that I could live at his place. However, I talked to him Saturday to see if this is something he really wanted. He was asking me all about my plans (something that I was unsure about). Questions such as if I was staying for the summer or staying longer. Well, I told him that I don’t know my plans. It can go so many ways depending if we work out down there or not. He stated with just an “Oh.” I realized that we weren’t on the same page.

    So, I asked him if he could be honest with me about this whole situation. From what I have gathered from the discussion, he is bisexual (something I was not aware of) and I am a friend (sort of?). Apparently he likes me and I would be the guy for him, but is confused by his sexuality. He stated that he needs help with this and that he can’t do it alone. Also, he doesn’t want a relationship because he has been single for so long. He still wants to be my friend (of course, typical) and I will always be his best friend. (Now you know how I feel kind of confusing, right?)

    Right now, I haven’t talked to him in a couple days because I am trying to keep my distance. At the same time, I feel horrible because he is my best friend and I feel like I am letting him down. I guess this is more of a vent, but what else can I do? Can I still be friends with him or do I need to cut it off? I have been trying to talk to other guys to get my mind off of it, but it seems to not be working because at the end of the day, I think about him. I know I will eventually get over him, but it’s frustrating right now because WHEN and HOW do you find that person who loves you just as much as you love them? 

    I guess if anything, it was an experience. Open my eyes to other possibilities other than my current city...

    Anyone else gone through this? How did you deal?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 03, 2013 9:47 PM GMT
    If you really want to gamble your time with someone who for two years you have invested your time and effort on, and you clearly have history together and he STILL doesn't know what he wants. I say, NEXT! unless you are okay with the anguish and suffering and maybe, just maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel in this roller coaster ride. Who knows how many years you might have waited/wasted on him, and while you were waiting there are all these guys that you could have met in the process.

  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Apr 04, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    only you can answer your own questions on this one i think, its up to you whether you can handle being with him n being his friend if you have strong feelings for him,
    from how much detail you gave to this story i'd guess that you couldnt handle being around him on a regular basis without becoming an item, but its all up to you!

    as far as dealin with it, like you said, distractin yourself from him by chattin to other guys is a good start! Gunna be a long road to get over him tho icon_sad.gif always is
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 04, 2013 6:17 AM GMT
    If a guy says he just wants to be friends, believe him.

    Just take him at face value. If he's lying (or being "confused" or whatever) then he can do the work to undo that.

    Your refusing to believe what he plainly tells you is your fault.
  • niceguy_321

    Posts: 25

    Apr 05, 2013 5:39 AM GMT
    Larkin saidIf a guy says he just wants to be friends, believe him.

    Just take him at face value. If he's lying (or being "confused" or whatever) then he can do the work to undo that.

    Your refusing to believe what he plainly tells you is your fault.



    I realize that now, but it's something that is an experience. I will grow from it and I have learned from it. Thank you for your input.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 05, 2013 5:56 AM GMT
    Actually, I think you've done almost everything right, niceguy_321. You have been supportive, given him space when he needed it, etc.

    You seem like a good communicator, so the next step is to tell him how you feel. Just because he's bi and confused doesn't mean your relationship has to be all about him. It's time to share what you want and need. If he's not able or willing to go there, you have your answer.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 05, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    shortbutsweet saidActually, I think you've done almost everything right, niceguy_321. You have been supportive, given him space when he needed it, etc.

    You seem like a good communicator, so the next step is to tell him how you feel. Just because he's bi and confused doesn't mean your relationship has to be all about him. It's time to share what you want and need. If he's not able or willing to go there, you have your answer.






    EXCELLENT reply.