Never been in a relationship

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    Apr 04, 2013 1:48 PM GMT
    I'm 24, attractive, very smart, mature (for my age at least), but I've never been in an actual relationship. Lately, it's been taking its toll on me and I know the problem is me but I just can't seem to figure out why.

    Usually when I go out on dates, I rarely find the other person interesting, and when I do, I quickly lose interest after dating for 2 months (longest I've ever went). Guys, in general, seem to like me and also find me attractive but it's me who keeps rejecting them.

    A little background story: I carry around a lot of baggage. I was born and raised in a completely different culture (18 years of my life). I've had a difficult childhood and a very difficult life in general. I've been through wars, discrimination, and rejection from a very early age which made me distance myself a lot from people. I like to keep my social circle very small, mainly because I don't feel comfortable with all kinds of people. Having said that, I'm usually extremely nice, positive, and caring to everyone around me so I'm pretty sure I'm not the downer loner type.

    My problem is that when I meet someone my age (up to 30), I quickly get the feeling that I'm a lot 'older' than they are because of my outlook on life. Most people my age tend to only care about superficial things or are in a phase in life that I've already been through years ago. While that can be okay, I just don't feel I can be with someone THAT different from what I am. Am I wrong here?

    When it comes to older guys, I usually get the feeling that I'm being patronized because of my young age OR that they are at a stage in life where they're settled in for good which leaves me with nothing to share with them.

    I tend to feel more connected to people from English-speaking or middle eastern countries regardless of their ethnicity. And it just makes it harder that I live in Germany which is something I cannot change. People here can be pretty racist as well, so sometimes I'm already filtered out because of my ethnicity. I've clicked with a bunch of guys from the US (because they tend to be more open culturally), but the long distance thing doesn't work when we cannot see each other.

    Nowadays, I look at how all my straight friends (still closeted here) and two gay friends have had successful relationships from day 1 and I just can't help but feel envious. It just brings forth the feeling of being 'different' that all gay guys go through at some point in their lives. It's even worse when my straight friends want to fix me up with some girl their girlfriend knows.

    I just want to meet someone who's good looking, warm, caring, and intelligent for a change. Someone who is open, accepting, can hold a conversation about global issues, and would take me seriously when I say I want to change the world. Am I being delusional or asking for way too much here?

    Sorry for the long rant, but I need to know how did you (guys in a successful relationship) do it if you were ever in my place?
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    Apr 04, 2013 7:24 PM GMT
    Okay, don't take this the wrong way but, you seem like you expect a LOT from the guy you would want to be in a relationship with.

    One, this guy has to be able to connect with your psyche, and you differentiate yourself from guys because you feel you have a lot of baggage, or worldly experience that you think they lack, which causes barriers mentally that progress future fruition. but you have yet to figure out about the guy you are seeing, you are so closed off that you refuse to see if this person might have had a troubled past as well, maybe he was from a different country, maybe he saw famine, starvation, and death, Maybe he keeps it inside and contained in a beautiful porcelain face, and a smile. But you wouldn't know that. Because you were quick to judge, and decided to leave early.

    It also seems like you have cultural problems, that this significant other has to be a certain way or culturally different, but not only that, they have to be "good looking, warm, caring, and intelligent"

    Last but not least, this guy has to be okay with you being closeted. And you know you will meet guys who are okay with it and some guys who that would be a deal breaker for. As for me I've dated a closeted guy, and I felt like I was sneaking around, and every time we did "sneak out", I felt like I was committing some kind of crime. It did not feel natural to me.

    To be honest, I think you are asking for a lot. There are some guys out there who are able to meet your requirements, but would you meet theirs?

    I believe a successful relationship starts from you first.
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    Apr 04, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    hmmmm...
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    Apr 04, 2013 8:40 PM GMT

    SIMON-CONFUSED-GIF.gif
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    Apr 04, 2013 8:50 PM GMT
    Well, you're closeted so that's not going to make it especially easy for you to be in a relationship. Not impossible, but not as easy as if you were out. Perhaps you're fishing in the wrong pond too. Consider where you would meet guys and if they're really what you're looking for and you they.

    As for older guys, are you sure you're not overly sensitive to this because you're NOT settled. You're not, you're closeted, you can't be settled in who you are when you're hiding the most important part of who you are. Even here on a gay website with gay guys, you're totally faceless. Doesn't help with developing relationships of any kind.

    I think at 24 it's OK not to have been in a relationship but probably more important to work on your self rather than how to share yourself with someone else. You have to love who YOU are before someone else can love who you are.
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    Apr 04, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    Seric saidOkay, don't take this the wrong way but, you seem like you expect a LOT from the guy you would want to be in a relationship with.

    One, this guy has to be able to connect with your psyche, and you differentiate yourself from guys because you feel you have a lot of baggage, or worldly experience that you think they lack, which causes barriers mentally that progress future fruition. but you have yet to figure out about the guy you are seeing, you are so closed off that you refuse to see if this person might have had a troubled past as well, maybe he was from a different country, maybe he saw famine, starvation, and death, Maybe he keeps it inside and contained in a beautiful porcelain face, and a smile. But you wouldn't know that. Because you were quick to judge, and decided to leave early.

    It also seems like you have cultural problems, that this significant other has to be a certain way or culturally different, but not only that, they have to be "good looking, warm, caring, and intelligent"

    Last but not least, this guy has to be okay with you being closeted. And you know you will meet guys who are okay with it and some guys who that would be a deal breaker for. As for me I've dated a closeted guy, and I felt like I was sneaking around, and every time we did "sneak out", I felt like I was committing some kind of crime. It did not feel natural to me.

    To be honest, I think you are asking for a lot. There are some guys out there who are able to meet your requirements, but would you meet theirs?

    I believe a successful relationship starts from you first.


    you hit the nail on the head.

    to me, the op reminds me of the guys on okcupid where they basically think of themselves as being "the shit" and busy looking as everyone else as NOT being on their level without even getting to know them first.

    you know, the first thing you should do op is to humble yourself because your ego is way too big for your head. if you carry yourself like you're the shit and that nobody is on your level, you will NOT find anybody because you will think that you're too good for them or they won't even bother you. you appear to come off very arrogant and by acting like you have no flaws and expecting others to accept you for who you are and not being able to accept others for who they are, you are kicking yourself in the ass.

    remember, if you want someone else in your life, you have to think abut them as well. it's NOT all about you. you want a relationship where you want someone else to cater towards you and yet you're willing to offer NOTHING to the person. you being closeted in itself is going to be a problem to a guy that is NOT closeted. there's not that many openly gay guys that are going to pander to someone else as yourself especially if you're carrying on the way you are with your nose in the air on some "my way or the highway" shit. food for thought.
  • Suetonius

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    Apr 04, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    How did I do it? Easy - tried a number of men over a 10 year period, but I did not have the problems you outline in your post. To start with, it's not too unusual to be 24, and not having yet been in a relationship. That you are in the closet (family concerns?) will be a big hindrance in Germany today, where almost no gay guy is in the closet. Hell, they come out at 16. And your history and cultural baggage puts you at a disadvantage in getting into a relationship with an ethnic German of your age group, who has grown up without any firsthand experience of war. And there is no doubt a great deal of prejudice among Germans toward people from the middle east (started with the large number of Gastarbeiter from Turkey in the 60's, I would guess).

    But problems relating to 30 year olds, because you feel older than them? There is a big difference between a 22 year old and a 30 year old gay guy, even in Germany. Is therapy a possibility for you? As a tool to help you better adjust to your circumstances - (your baggage)?

    Sounds like you should emigrate to England, where you would have a better time of it (you would still have to drop the closet routine.) You say you can't leave Germany - I'm no expert, but it was my understanding that any legal immigrant to an EU country could move to any other EU country. Am I wrong? And if you are illegal in Germany, you could just as easily be illegal in England, if you could get there.

    And despite the history, not all Germans are rascist, even though the culture may be - so you should be able easily to encounter gay guys who are not.

    Lastly, you write in perfect English. Is your German as good?
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:34 PM GMT
    You sound judgy.
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:39 PM GMT
    I'm 27 and haven't been in 1...

    So um...

    tumblr_lfnx6fSITW1qccg0ao1_500.gif
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    Apr 05, 2013 12:00 AM GMT
    Fuck I'm almost 26 and haven't been in one... but then again its only been 4 months since I've been putting myself out there. Honestly from everything you've listed its you being closeted which might have proven the biggest road block, but that kind of depends on what you say when you're closeted. Some guys are super anal about it, while for others it just means they haven't told family, etc but doesn't really effect their everyday life.
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    Apr 05, 2013 12:14 AM GMT
    scaredmidget said
    Seric saidOkay, don't take this the wrong way but, you seem like you expect a LOT from the guy you would want to be in a relationship with.

    One, this guy has to be able to connect with your psyche, and you differentiate yourself from guys because you feel you have a lot of baggage, or worldly experience that you think they lack, which causes barriers mentally that progress future fruition. but you have yet to figure out about the guy you are seeing, you are so closed off that you refuse to see if this person might have had a troubled past as well, maybe he was from a different country, maybe he saw famine, starvation, and death, Maybe he keeps it inside and contained in a beautiful porcelain face, and a smile. But you wouldn't know that. Because you were quick to judge, and decided to leave early.

    It also seems like you have cultural problems, that this significant other has to be a certain way or culturally different, but not only that, they have to be "good looking, warm, caring, and intelligent"

    Last but not least, this guy has to be okay with you being closeted. And you know you will meet guys who are okay with it and some guys who that would be a deal breaker for. As for me I've dated a closeted guy, and I felt like I was sneaking around, and every time we did "sneak out", I felt like I was committing some kind of crime. It did not feel natural to me.

    To be honest, I think you are asking for a lot. There are some guys out there who are able to meet your requirements, but would you meet theirs?

    I believe a successful relationship starts from you first.


    you hit the nail on the head.

    to me, the op reminds me of the guys on okcupid where they basically think of themselves as being "the shit" and busy looking as everyone else as NOT being on their level without even getting to know them first.

    you know, the first thing you should do op is to humble yourself because your ego is way too big for your head. if you carry yourself like you're the shit and that nobody is on your level, you will NOT find anybody because you will think that you're too good for them or they won't even bother you. you appear to come off very arrogant and by acting like you have no flaws and expecting others to accept you for who you are and not being able to accept others for who they are, you are kicking yourself in the ass.

    remember, if you want someone else in your life, you have to think abut them as well. it's NOT all about you. you want a relationship where you want someone else to cater towards you and yet you're willing to offer NOTHING to the person. you being closeted in itself is going to be a problem to a guy that is NOT closeted. there's not that many openly gay guys that are going to pander to someone else as yourself especially if you're carrying on the way you are with your nose in the air on some "my way or the highway" shit. food for thought.


    It's funny how you think I'm judgmental and then pass the biggest judgement on me. You don't even know me and yet you think that I'm full of myself? Really? I've never claimed I had no flaws. All I said was that I'm different than most people I meet (neither for better nor worse).

    You were also able to figure out that I want to offer nothing in a relationship even though I said I was a caring person. I guess you have everything figured out. Good for you, here's your cookie: O.
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    Apr 05, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    Seric saidOkay, don't take this the wrong way but, you seem like you expect a LOT from the guy you would want to be in a relationship with.

    One, this guy has to be able to connect with your psyche, and you differentiate yourself from guys because you feel you have a lot of baggage, or worldly experience that you think they lack, which causes barriers mentally that progress future fruition. but you have yet to figure out about the guy you are seeing, you are so closed off that you refuse to see if this person might have had a troubled past as well, maybe he was from a different country, maybe he saw famine, starvation, and death, Maybe he keeps it inside and contained in a beautiful porcelain face, and a smile. But you wouldn't know that. Because you were quick to judge, and decided to leave early.

    It also seems like you have cultural problems, that this significant other has to be a certain way or culturally different, but not only that, they have to be "good looking, warm, caring, and intelligent"

    Last but not least, this guy has to be okay with you being closeted. And you know you will meet guys who are okay with it and some guys who that would be a deal breaker for. As for me I've dated a closeted guy, and I felt like I was sneaking around, and every time we did "sneak out", I felt like I was committing some kind of crime. It did not feel natural to me.

    To be honest, I think you are asking for a lot. There are some guys out there who are able to meet your requirements, but would you meet theirs?

    I believe a successful relationship starts from you first.


    To be honest, I don't think a month or two is a short period of time to figure out if you're interested in someone or not. And I'm not naive to judge a book by its cover.

    I think you didn't get what I was trying to say in my first post. I wasn't saying that I want someone who has "been through what I've been through" or whatever. All I'm saying is that different life experiences make you look at life differently. Therefore, we usually tend to get along with people from our own background. That doesn't mean that I'm intolerant of other cultures or want people to be just like me or to share the same life experiences.
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    Apr 05, 2013 12:33 AM GMT
    Suetonius saidHow did I do it? Easy - tried a number of men over a 10 year period, but I did not have the problems you outline in your post. To start with, it's not too unusual to be 24, and not having yet been in a relationship. That you are in the closet (family concerns?) will be a big hindrance in Germany today, where almost no gay guy is in the closet. Hell, they come out at 16. And your history and cultural baggage puts you at a disadvantage in getting into a relationship with an ethnic German of your age group, who has grown up without any firsthand experience of war. And there is no doubt a great deal of prejudice among Germans toward people from the middle east (started with the large number of Gastarbeiter from Turkey in the 60's, I would guess).

    But problems relating to 30 year olds, because you feel older than them? There is a big difference between a 22 year old and a 30 year old gay guy, even in Germany. Is therapy a possibility for you? As a tool to help you better adjust to your circumstances - (your baggage)?

    Sounds like you should emigrate to England, where you would have a better time of it (you would still have to drop the closet routine.) You say you can't leave Germany - I'm no expert, but it was my understanding that any legal immigrant to an EU country could move to any other EU country. Am I wrong? And if you are illegal in Germany, you could just as easily be illegal in England, if you could get there.

    And despite the history, not all Germans are rascist, even though the culture may be - so you should be able easily to encounter gay guys who are not.

    Lastly, you write in perfect English. Is your German as good?


    Thanks.

    I'm not illegal but I can't move due to personal reasons.

    Why are closeted gays so frowned upon in the gay community? I mean most non-closeted gays had to have come out at some point in their lives.

    eb925guyAs for older guys, are you sure you're not overly sensitive to this because you're NOT settled. You're not, you're closeted, you can't be settled in who you are when you're hiding the most important part of who you are. Even here on a gay website with gay guys, you're totally faceless. Doesn't help with developing relationships of any kind.


    But that's what I said. An older guy is settled and at a completely different stage in his life.

    I have face pics as private photos that I would share with anyone who asks for them. I just don't like displaying them publicly. Closeted gay paranoia....
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    Apr 05, 2013 12:42 AM GMT
    Arjuna saidSomeones into them self...icon_neutral.gif


    Someone likes to judge people on the internet and sucks at spelling?
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    Apr 05, 2013 1:12 AM GMT
    Undercover_ said
    Arjuna saidSomeones into them self...icon_neutral.gif


    Someone likes to judge people on the internet and sucks at spelling?

    This, and meeeowwwww....continue please.
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    Apr 05, 2013 1:21 AM GMT
    tumblr_mhkfa68htd1rqaiazo1_400.gif

    lol
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    Apr 05, 2013 1:38 AM GMT
    Undercover_ said
    Suetonius said . . .. That you are in the closet (family concerns?) will be a big hindrance in Germany today, where almost no gay guy is in the closet. Hell, they come out at 16.


    Lastly, you write in perfect English. Is your German as good?



    Why are closeted gays so frowned upon in the gay community? I mean most non-closeted gays had to have come out at some point in their lives.

    eb925guyAs for older guys, are you sure you're not overly sensitive to this because you're NOT settled. You're not, you're closeted, you can't be settled in who you are when you're hiding the most important part of who you are. Even here on a gay website with gay guys, you're totally faceless. Doesn't help with developing relationships of any kind.


    Closeted gay paranoia....

    The important thing is not that open gays (on RJ and elsewhere) frown on closeted guys, but that in Germany, (much more so than in the USA) almost all young gay guys are out of the closet (except perhaps in small towns), so you just don't fit in with them. To have a relationship with a closeted gay means that the openly gay guy has to lie and hide his gayness all the time to protect the "cover" of the closeted guy, who may be used to putting up the false front. Who in his right mind would want to do that? Consider it from the other guy's point of view.

    You may want to stay totally in the closet, but you are probably forfeiting any chance of having a successful loving relationship by doing so.
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    Apr 05, 2013 1:42 AM GMT
    Since you recognize the problem is you (and I applaud you for that), you need to talk to a professional and work through your "baggage" and experiences that have made you who you are today so that you can move beyond it and have healthy relationships, whether romantic or otherwise.