How do you deal with a father who's virulently homophobic?

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    Apr 04, 2013 10:42 PM GMT
    So today my father was railing about the fags in San Francisco. He's gotten more virulent about everyone as he's gotten older and more bitter. We were actually in a rather elegant restaurant when he begin with the "Niggers," etc. He worked his way down the list of usual suspects at an increasing volume. Naturally, I was both mortified and appalled, particularly as he's an educated man who came from a good family! However, when I started protesting the ignorant, paranoid, and vile way he was discussing others, he started in on the Fags. Now although I haven't made a formal announcement to him, everyone now knows I'm gay. So what should I do with him?

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    Apr 04, 2013 10:44 PM GMT
    As the cherry on top, I had the honor of treating him to lunch.

    Not that it's at all relevant, but I also came home to a letter from the IRS!

    BAD DAY!
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:01 PM GMT
    I would have either..


    a. tell him to shut his ignorant bigoted mouth the fuck up

    or

    b. get up and walk away.



    sorry you are having a bad day. I think we all too often forgive our parents for things that we would not forgive a stranger because we "know" they are good people deep down inside. Too bad the world doesn't live deep down inside them to see this. Sounds like your dad is an ass. again sorry you are having a bad day.


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    Apr 04, 2013 11:01 PM GMT
    If you're expecting an inheritance from him you don't have much choice. You'll just have to live with it. And try to spend less time with him, especially in public situations like this. How old is he?

    Maybe it's early onset of some senior mental condition. Is he a widower, live alone, and do you have any siblings? If this is getting out of control you may want to bring this to the attention of his doctor, maybe get him an evaluation. You don't want him going totally ballistic and start popping off the neighborhood kids if they annoy him, as sometimes happens when old guys become irrational. If he's becoming a walking time bomb you may be obliged to do something.
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:14 PM GMT
    dudewithabeard saidI would have either..


    a. tell him to shut his ignorant bigoted mouth the fuck up

    or

    b. get up and walk away.



    sorry you are having a bad day. I think we all too often forgive our parents for things that we would not forgive a stranger because we "know" they are good people deep down inside. Too bad the world doesn't live deep down inside them to see this. Sounds like your dad is an ass. again sorry you are having a bad day.




    I've walked away before, but I've done it so often he just ignores it. Telling him to shut up just results in screaming rages in public.

    As to the idea that he's good "deep down," I've known him long enough to know that he's just a shit who's shit was made worse by his second ex-wife and professional disappointments, even though he's a very rich doctor.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 04, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    Far too many gay men think that blood relatives get an automatic free pass.
    NO.
    They have to earn our respect.
    They have to earn the privilege of having us in their company.

    Otherwise, they have earned the right to live out the rest of their days, alone.
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    ART_DECO saidIf you're expecting an inheritance from him you don't have much choice. You'll just have to live with it. And try to spend less time with him, especially in public situations like this. How old is he?

    Maybe it's early onset of some senior mental condition. Is he a widower, live alone, and do you have any siblings? If this is getting out of control you may want to bring this to the attention of his doctor, maybe get him an evaluation. You don't want him going totally ballistic and start popping off the neighborhood kids if they annoy him, as sometimes happens when old guys become irrational. If he's becoming a walking time bomb you may be obliged to do something.


    Although I WAS expecting a significant inheritance, he was so poisoned by his evil 2nd ex-wife and he's so sick that I wouldn't be shocked if I don't get a dime.

    As to an early onset of some medical condition, he's actually a rather prestigious doctor who guards his own health assiduously -- maybe so he can torment me for another 30 years!
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 04, 2013 11:19 PM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    dudewithabeard saidI would have either..


    a. tell him to shut his ignorant bigoted mouth the fuck up

    or

    b. get up and walk away.



    sorry you are having a bad day. I think we all too often forgive our parents for things that we would not forgive a stranger because we "know" they are good people deep down inside. Too bad the world doesn't live deep down inside them to see this. Sounds like your dad is an ass. again sorry you are having a bad day.




    I've walked away before, but I've done it so often he just ignores it. Telling him to shut up just results in screaming rages in public.

    As to the idea that he's good "deep down," I've known him long enough to know that he's just a shit who's shit was made worse by his second ex-wife and professional disappointments, even though he's a very rich doctor.



    ...and you keep coming back for more of the same treatment.
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:19 PM GMT
    I laughed at my father's funeral, and threw a huge party with my friends (they knew how hateful he was).

    Sounds like you're going to have a similar experience someday. icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidFar too many gay men think that blood relatives get an automatic free pass.
    NO.
    They have to earn our respect.
    They have to earn the privilege of having us in their company.

    Otherwise, they have earned the right to live out the rest of their days, alone.


    That sounds well and good, but in the final analysis, he has three hetro daughters from his evil second ex-wife. Their mother was a gold digging bitch and they scheme as well as she does. If I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, they will rush in with delight to see me cut out of the will. Also because my relationship with my father was awful since my parents divorce, it would really hurt me emotionally. I just don't know what do do!
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Apr 04, 2013 11:29 PM GMT
    start dating a black drag queen and tell your father that his second wife made you gay due to lack of love from her.
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:30 PM GMT
    Webster666 said
    swimguychicago said
    dudewithabeard saidI would have either..


    a. tell him to shut his ignorant bigoted mouth the fuck up

    or

    b. get up and walk away.



    sorry you are having a bad day. I think we all too often forgive our parents for things that we would not forgive a stranger because we "know" they are good people deep down inside. Too bad the world doesn't live deep down inside them to see this. Sounds like your dad is an ass. again sorry you are having a bad day.




    I've walked away before, but I've done it so often he just ignores it. Telling him to shut up just results in screaming rages in public.

    As to the idea that he's good "deep down," I've known him long enough to know that he's just a shit who's shit was made worse by his second ex-wife and professional disappointments, even though he's a very rich doctor.



    ...and you keep coming back for more of the same treatment.


    You raise an excellent point and maybe I'd be better off not fighting for my inheritance, but I feel it's my birthright.

    Also painful as meeting him is, I think I might find NOT having a relationship with him devastating.

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    Apr 04, 2013 11:31 PM GMT
    Apparition saidstart dating a black drag queen and tell your father that his second wife made you gay due to lack of love from her.


    LOL!!!! That's absolutely brilliant!!!
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    Apr 04, 2013 11:37 PM GMT
    swimguychicago saidSo today my father was railing about the fags in San Francisco. He's gotten more virulent about everyone as he's gotten older and more bitter. We were actually in a rather elegant restaurant when he begin with the "Niggers," etc. He worked his way down the list of usual suspects at an increasing volume. Naturally, I was both mortified and appalled, particularly as he's an educated man who came from a good family! However, when I started protesting the ignorant, paranoid, and vile way he was discussing others, he started in on the Fags. Now although I haven't made a formal announcement to him, everyone now knows I'm gay. So what should I do with him?



    First of all
    tumblr_m50rccFfas1qdead7o1_400.gif
    I though you could use a hug.

    Secondly, I'm not sure what you should do, The best thing I could have given you was that hug. icon_confused.gif

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    Apr 04, 2013 11:48 PM GMT
    Seric said


    Secondly, I'm not sure what you should do, The best thing I could have given you was that hug. icon_confused.gif



    Thanks! The hug helped!

    In a way it's nice to hear that you don't know what to do with him either. It makes me feel better about not severing what remains of our relationship.
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    Apr 05, 2013 12:05 AM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    Although I WAS expecting a significant inheritance, he was so poisoned by his evil 2nd ex-wife and he's so sick that I wouldn't be shocked if I don't get a dime.

    As to an early onset of some medical condition, he's actually a rather prestigious doctor who guards his own health assiduously -- maybe so he can torment me for another 30 years!

    I was thinking about his mental health. And I was surprised to read some years ago how many physicians are addicts (isn't that part of the plot line in the TV series House?). It's very easy for them to support their habit, both financially and with simplified access. What you're witnessing may be a fried brain, competent in some areas but unstable & warped in others, again, not unlike Dr. House.

    Well, you have a dilemma. You may have to put up with him to preserve that inheritance, but what an irony if you still don't get it in his will, all your patience and dealing with his abuse for naught. I guess the most prudent path is the first one I proposed: keep your distance as much as possible, and avoid meals and other appearances with him in public. And just wait out the clock. icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 05, 2013 1:33 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidYou may have to put up with him to preserve that inheritance, but what an irony if you still don't get it in his will, all your patience and dealing with his abuse for naught.


    Sadly, I suspect that's exactly what will happen.

    Who thinks I should cut my losses now?
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    Apr 05, 2013 2:09 AM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    ART_DECO saidYou may have to put up with him to preserve that inheritance, but what an irony if you still don't get it in his will, all your patience and dealing with his abuse for naught.

    Sadly, I suspect that's exactly what will happen.

    Who thinks I should cut my losses now?

    Not cut them now, but reduce your contact to more bearable levels, if possible. If that won't work and this relationship becomes intolerable then yes, for your own peace of mind a total break would be advisable. And maybe along with your evil stepsisters, too. Money isn't everything.
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    Apr 05, 2013 2:26 AM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    ART_DECO saidYou may have to put up with him to preserve that inheritance, but what an irony if you still don't get it in his will, all your patience and dealing with his abuse for naught.


    Sadly, I suspect that's exactly what will happen.

    Who thinks I should cut my losses now?


    He is perfectly entitled to his racist homophobic opinions. If you love him, allow yourself to express that love despite what offends you.
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    Apr 05, 2013 2:28 AM GMT
    Call him out on his outrageous bigotry in public then leave him there to wallow.

    The group shame and the inner shame he'll feel when he looks around is much more than you can do.
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    Apr 05, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    Fortis said
    swimguychicago said
    ART_DECO said

    He is perfectly entitled to his racist homophobic opinions. If you love him, allow yourself to express that love despite what offends you.


    I've expressed my love. He responds with hate.
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    Apr 05, 2013 3:32 AM GMT
    swimguychicago said

    I've expressed my love. He responds with hate.


    Is he actually being hateful towards you, or is it that you take it personally?
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    Apr 05, 2013 3:34 AM GMT
    Fortis said
    swimguychicago said

    I've expressed my love. He responds with hate.


    Is he actually being hateful towards you, or is it that you take it personally?


    I've expressed my love, but unfortunately he's filled with an inchoate rage that is directed at me when I'm near him.
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    Apr 05, 2013 3:40 AM GMT
    Apparition saidstart dating a black drag queen and tell your father that his second wife made you gay due to lack of love from her.


    Ha ha, it's funny icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 05, 2013 3:43 AM GMT
    I concur with Paulflexes.If you are gonna inherit good money then just shut up till he is cold and the check goes in the mail.If not then the next time you go out to dinner wear a feather boa.icon_smile.gif Ryan.