Being faithful...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 7:26 AM GMT
    Sitting here not really sleeping when I should made me think to ask an interesting question...

    How many of you find it easy to be faithful? I've never cheated on my boyfriend(s) in any physical sense. I think of myself as a really honest guy. I've been cheated on many times before. But, I find that something interesting happens (it gets personal now) when I'm looking at porn. Being in that horny mindset, even though I'm in a great relationship, makes me think about things I normally wouldn't. It makes it really easy to fantasize about others and to start crossing those boundaries with what I'd do online. I've had conversations online that I'm not too proud of with other people while in a relationship. I've looked at craigslist personal ads to see what was out there. While I've never acted on these things in a physical way, I feel that in many ways I've been unfaithful and I really blame myself (and the internet).

    I've never thought of myself as someone who could cheat. I don't think I physically ever could. Yet, I find that in a different mood, the thoughts come much easier and sometimes I don't think straight. I have to work hard it seems to be faithful. I'm generally disgusted with myself and am making many efforts to avoid those situations. But, I wonder who else out there struggles sometimes even though they want to be a faithful person.

    Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 8:12 AM GMT
    being faithful is a choice, as is being unfaithful..

    But, I've never stopped my mind from occasionally wondering about, to force your self to stick with one person for all fantasies would get pretty boring very very fast..

    I've however, always stopped short of getting physical.. (well, at least while in a relationship where monogamy was called for)

    Personally, I wouldn't be too concerned about it, as long as you don't start something up with someone in a physical sense I wouldn't have to much problem with it...

    And the dirty chat.. well hell, sometimes thats just needed, it can send you to your guy a heck of a lot more aroused sometimes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 8:16 AM GMT
    If you feel it's wrong, don't engage your urges. Would it bother you if he came to you and revealed that he had been doing the same things? There's your answer.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Oct 16, 2008 8:24 AM GMT
    I have no trouble being faithful. I have been blessed/cursed with the attribute of being less sexually crazed than the average 20-something year old..icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 8:32 AM GMT
    Delivis saidI have no trouble being faithful. I have been blessed/cursed with the attribute of being less sexually crazed than the average 20-something year old..icon_smile.gif


    I dont think one thing has anything to do with the other one though. Im "sexually crazed" that doesnt mean im not faithful at all, that just means I have sex everyday with my bf(if i have any). So far, its never happened that if im in a relationship I go have sex with someone else.

    The worst case I had was a guy from France i met over the internet and we got into each other(deeply) but i didnt even know him in person, not even webcam, just pics and long talks every day, I ended up having sex with other guy that time cause i was not sure if that was gonna go somewhere, since the odds to meet up were pretty low.

    So besides that, no ive never cheated in a relationship cause once I say "this guy is my boyfriend" is cause i feel something for him.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Oct 16, 2008 8:49 AM GMT
    Oh i am not saying one cant be both horny as hell and faithful, but i suspect there is a correlation there and not just a random pattern, though who knows how strong..icon_smile.gif

    More importantly Carlos, it is nearly 5am where we live, and if i remember correctly you have classes tomorrow! To bed with you, i say!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 9:14 AM GMT
    If I remember well, we go to the same University right? What are u doing up this late? but Tomorrow Ill take it off, i need a brake(just have philosophy and management) easy shit.

    theres not correlation btw, depends on the person. I wish i had sex every day, 2 or 3 times in a row, that doesnt really matter, the point is with WHO you do it. If you know yourself youll know how to pick your partner, being that said, i guess its clear enough.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 12:02 PM GMT
    Delivis saidOh i am not saying one cant be both horny as hell and faithful, but i suspect there is a correlation there!


    Not for everyone, I have a damned HUGE sex drive, being faithful is a choice, you don't accidentally fuck someone no matter how horny you are.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Oct 16, 2008 12:20 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    Delivis saidOh i am not saying one cant be both horny as hell and faithful, but i suspect there is a correlation there!


    Not for everyone, I have a damned HUGE sex drive, being faithful is a choice, you don't accidentally fuck someone no matter how horny you are.


    Huge sex drive? Excuse me while I..... think about that. I'm in a relationship after all. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 12:55 PM GMT
    Phoenix86 said

    Yet, I find that in a different mood, the thoughts come much easier and sometimes I don't think straight.

    Thoughts?


    of course you don't think straight.

    I wouldn't worry, you're not cheating by watching porn. me and my bf watch it icon_twisted.gif

    but the craiglist thing might get you into trouble. but so far you've done nothing wrong
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 1:05 PM GMT
    I've a large sex drive as well, and being single doesn't help too much. I've slept with ppl when not dating, and it was nice, but had nothing special too it.

    If i'm to be in a relationship, i wouldn't ever tolerate them cheating on me, so its just as fair that i not cheat on them either. I'd never cheat, simple as that, if you've got ideas about cheating or want to with someone else, its probably best to end the relationship and then do so.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 1:08 PM GMT
    Being faith comes as easy as breathing and I expect nothing less from any bf or lover that I have.

    They know fresh out the gate! If you cheat and I find out about it we're done
    no apology, not it did not mean a thing or I'll never do it again.

    My bf wwould become a totally diffrent person to me. No that I can't trust.
    It's not a lot to ask. Really pretty basic that's what separates up from aminals will power and self control.icon_biggrin.gif
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Oct 16, 2008 1:13 PM GMT
    I 'cheated' on an ex once, and that was only after he cheated on me and 'gave me permission' to do the same. It really didn't help and I doubt I'd do it again. My last relationship though, I couldn't even sleep with another guy in my DREAMS - just before we'd go to fuck I'd stop the dream guy with an "I'm sorry, I've got a boyfriend..."

    ><

    So yeah...I don't cheat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 2:00 PM GMT
    you are perfectly fine.

    personally, i would never cheat either...catholic conscience icon_razz.gif

    i recently read a book called "predictably irrational" however, which has a whole section on how people act irrationally in semi-aroused states. it doesn't mean you would necessarily act on your impulses, but even our most rudimentary feelings of right/wrong are often hindered in this state. so, no...i don't think you are wrong in what you have described per se...but you should probably be cognizant of the implications it COULD have. which you seem to be. so, i say kudos icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 2:07 PM GMT
    Phoenix86 saidSitting here not really sleeping when I should made me think to ask an interesting question...

    I've never thought of myself as someone who could cheat. I don't think I physically ever could. Yet, I find that in a different mood, the thoughts come much easier and sometimes I don't think straight. I have to work hard it seems to be faithful.


    I think if you have to "work hard at it to be faithful" perhaps you should step back and look at what you have compared to what you desire. I think it is the sign of early stage "what ifs". The only thing wrong with poor conversations online is how far they go and the fact it makes the other guy think that you would cross that line if it ever came down to it. I mean you would not want your bf doing it would you? If the answer is no then maybe you need to think long and hard about how you come off to other guys when chatting or jerking off with them lol. Porn I think can always lead to a fantasy type thought but if it is something you think is a problem then stop watching it and find something productive to do. If you are fighting to stay faithful then a monogamous relationship may not be for you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 2:34 PM GMT
    [b]To me[/b] it's easy to be faithful if the following conditions are met:
    Love.
    Open and honest 2-way communication.
    Not taking one another for granted.
    Mutual compassion and empathy.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 2:51 PM GMT
    So, humans being another animal, I believe it is not in our innate "make-up" to be monogamous, I believe that it is a learned behavior in us as humans. However the choice to be monogamous, faithful, in an open-relationship or not or what have you is a personal choice/decision between yourself as well as with your partner(s).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 4:19 PM GMT
    Delivis saidI have no trouble being faithful. I have been blessed/cursed with the attribute of being less sexually crazed than the average 20-something year old..icon_smile.gif


    And I thought I was the only gay guy like this. I can turn my sex drive on and off like a tap. So I have never had any trouble being faithful to a partner. I occasionally watch porn simply as entertainment, but I would never be tempted to have phone sex or hook-up with a guy on the internet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 4:53 PM GMT
    Phoenix86 saidSitting here not really sleeping when I should made me think to ask an interesting question...

    How many of you find it easy to be faithful?
    Thoughts?


    Well, my friend, I don't think any of us in this forum have NOT been faced by temptation, but good for you for not giving in up to this point.
    Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with looking unless you're doing it because you're unhappy in your current relationship and you're looking for another distraction or something better or different. If that's the case, you might want to take a step back and reassess WHY it is that you feel you need to look elsewhere for sexual satitaition. Once you've done that, man up and be honest with yourself and your partner.
    If you're just looking because it's titillating then by all means, get your rocks off, and if you can bring that into the bedroom with your current beau, even better!

    Good Luck,
    -Roberts85


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 7:11 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Phoenix86 said[/cite] I'm generally disgusted with myself and am making many efforts to avoid those situations. But, I wonder who else out there struggles sometimes even though they want to be a faithful person. /quote]

    Why are you worried about something that is natural in the nature of men? If you have a set of eyes and have a brain you are going to see and think these thoughts. Conversations on the net and looking at porn are harmless Itis only when you react to them in a physical way that they are cheating and you say you have not done this.

    It is fine to get some advice in the forum but now that everyone seems to have pretty much the same opinion on this, have a talk with the main man in your life. I think he will understand this humanness because he has eyes and a brain too.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 7:16 PM GMT
    What you are doing is very normal. Humans are not biologically built for monogamy, but our society is. Letting your mind cheat is no sin. And as for those conversations online, everyone watches porn, everyone. Online chat is just interactive porn.

    But, from the sound of it, you are not satisfied with your current sex life with your boyfriend. You have to mix it up a little. If it the allure of a stranger why not make a little scene. He blindfolds you and has his way with you without saying a word. Put a little theater into your sex and you both can be different people each time with the added bonus of never cheating. yum, yum, everyone wins.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 7:51 PM GMT
    Phoenix 86, hey dude this is a great and honest question. Fidelity isn't a hard concept to grasp. I wont be so quick to use a man's high sex drive as an excuse to lust after the next hottest thing that walks by. The eye is and always will be attracted to beautiful things (whatever you deem beautiful to be) The high sex drive excuse is mainly used by guys who have never truly had their hearts stomped on. Lets just pause on that last phrase, because its a god-awful excuse to do whatever you want whenever you want.

    Fidelity is pretty damn honorable and a more attractive trait than being the village bicycle. Its never been an issue for me, I too was raised Catholic and my conscience always gets the better of me when I err. I wouldnt be able to live with the guilt. So ultimately it depends where your morals lie. I already commend you, for questioning your own fantasies... until you act on them with someone who isnt yours,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 9:00 PM GMT
    A lot of people claim to not understand my feelings in such matters, but I'll explain them anyway. From the time I was a kid, I knew that I didn't just want a wife or a husband... I wanted a harem! By the time I became serious in my sexuality at age 16, I knew, quite clearly, that I would never be able to be monogamous. It's simly not a part of my makeup, nor is it natural for humans or most other mammals, based upon my studies of anthropology, animal behavior, and human sexuality. We have created this "rose colored" idea of what faithfulness means (in other words, monogamy) when in reality I feel it is rarely maintainable. As a result, people hold themselves to a standard of behavior that is inherently impossible, but because of this artificial standard, we see many relationships crumble when they might not have to, and many of the individuals involved (such as yourself) dealing with the unfairness of feelings of self-loathing.
    For me, faihtfulness is much more about honesty and treating your mate(s) with respect and dignity, rather than about sexual singularity. The man I'm now beginning a Long Term Relationship with: I told him right at the start that I was sexually non-monogamous, and that while some might be offended by that, that I would never lie to him. To me the issues of trust are more about honesty than sexual fidelity. Also, when in such an LTR, I think ground rules are important. For example, as he's my main relationship, I feel it's only right that I be there for him FIRST; that I make a nice home for him to come home to, that we are together every evening for our meals, and that while I might have sex with other men or women, I don't SLEEP with them (in an overnight way). My last relationship, which lasted 21 years, I was the third person, and my boyfriend's husband loved me very much, and was very kind and generous toward me, knowing that I loved his husband and would honor their relationship by not trying to get more from it than was fair. I once asked them, early on, how they were able to make this type of thing work without emotional jealousy. They told me that they knew they liked sex with others, and that they loved each other so much that 1) it couldn't help but spill over onto others, and 2) they had set the same ground rules I just explained above.

    I'm very, VERY blessed to have found the man I'm seeing now. He loves me and I love him, and I told him right up front that I have HIV and am non-monogamous, and once we decided to pursue a relationship, we laid-out our ground rules.
    I plan on sticking to those ground rules, and as a result, I'm looking forward to a long, maybe even lifelong, companionship with him.

    In your case, I hope you won't beat yourself up over your desires for others. It doesn't make you a bad or dishonorable person. Maybe embracing that aspect of your needs might make things smoother in the long run. At least, you deserve to be honest about this with yourself and your mate.

    My best wishes to you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 11:17 PM GMT
    Ok, I'm sorry, being monogamous or not, is a choice, yes you have an urge to spread your seed far and wide, I do too, I also have an urge to deck that little fucker behind the counter who thinks hes better then everyone else, I also get the urge and yell at mothers who screech at there children in shopping centers, following that, I'd also like to walk naked in public, be completely and utter blunt to the next women who thinks she can dumb her whole life story on me like I have nothing better to do or that shes some how more important because of it..

    Hell, I get a lot of urges, including sexual, I choose if I act on them, growing as a person, is about being able to look at these innate urges you have and acting accordingly not just to what you want, but what is best for you and others...

    This whole idea that its not natural to be monogamous is bullshit, its not natural for us to wear the clothes we do, eat the food we eat and fly down a god damn highway at 100k's a freaking hour, but we do it anyway.

    No, your not monogamous because you choose to be, nothing more.

    Hell, I have a massive sex drive, heh I was in a short relationship (only a couple of months) where I was getting it 6 times a day and this continued on for months... it was awesome, BUT, even with relationships where its been monogamous and I've only gotten it once a day or a week or what ever, I've always chosen to remain true to the relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 16, 2008 11:28 PM GMT


    LilTanker said,

    "This whole idea that its not natural to be monogamous is bullshit, its not natural for us to wear the clothes we do, eat the food we eat and fly down a god damn highway at 100k's a freaking hour, but we do it anyway."

    ....just as Bill and I were chatting on the phone trying to figure out how to say that same thing. Thanks for saying it for us!