I am "obviously" GAY - World has fallen apart

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    Apr 05, 2013 11:29 PM GMT
    Today morning I went to a reunion where different professionals from several banks discussed work-related stuff. Somehow, I had a feeling that these people knew about my sexual orientation but I had never come out to any of them.

    I am out at my current job to most people but in my previous job I wasn't to anyone but just one person. I asked this person if he had told anyone about me since he knows most of these people and he says he has not said anything but that I am "obviously" gay and everyone suspects that because of my attitude and the way I talk.

    I feel shocked, I thought I was discreet. I mean, I am not the most masculine gay guy ever but I know I am not effeminate. What's even more, after I came out at my previous job [b/c of some internal issues] some people thought It was a joke or something. I am just an average guy.

    I'll be asking my other friends to check out. I feel very shocked...
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    Apr 05, 2013 11:33 PM GMT
    frabz-GAAAAAAAAAY-63093a.jpg
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    Apr 05, 2013 11:37 PM GMT
    The more "masculine" a guy is, the more I think he's hiding his sexual orientation.

    After all...why would a guy be "manly" if he were trying to appeal to women? They hate that shit.
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    Apr 05, 2013 11:40 PM GMT
    Who cares!

    Everyone's perception of you is going to be different!!

    Some realise I'm gay, others only suspect and others still have no idea that I'm gay. Who gives a shit if they can guess or not.

    Just be you, if it causes anyone problems then screw them they have the issue not you!
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    Apr 06, 2013 12:15 AM GMT
    Did they determine that each on their own, or in committee?
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    Apr 06, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    theantijock saidDid they determine that each on their own, or in committee?


    I don't know. I just had a conversation with this friend for over 40 minutes and he explained that it's not than I am overtly effeminate or a hairdresser but there are some hand movements that people who are observant enough could determine I am gay. I suspect there were some people like this and they're the ones telling other people "I suspect he is gay" and then sembrar la cizaƱa as we say in Spanish when someone is intriguing other people with thoughts.

    I was very effeminate when I was in Middle School and then before entering High School I promised I would stop being like that and I have improved a lot but maybe I have not improved enough. This episode will likely make me more enclosed into my personal world, more reluctant to meeting new people and obviously I'm not going to all these banking-related meetings... I feel alone is the only way to be happy. icon_sad.gif
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    Apr 06, 2013 12:43 AM GMT
    Just be yourself man. You are fighting a losing battle if you try to do otherwise.

    Here's the reality of the situation - people love to speculate about other people's personal business. It's just how it is, especially in an office environment.

    If it wasn't your body language it would be something else. For me, it was the fact that I was single and didn't have any history of girlfriends. Give people enough time and they will put two and two together.

    Retreating and isolating yourself is not a wise way to handle the situation. Is there a reason you don't want certain people to know about your sexuality?





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    Apr 06, 2013 1:05 AM GMT
    What: "World--falling apart"??

    It's not like some Justin, Zac, Ryan, Dillon, Ashton, looking dude called you Sir (subconsciously, keyed the dick weeds pretty little souped up four wheel drive).

    --could be worse; think of the poor straight boy's that get this all the time.
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    Apr 06, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    dc0776 saidJust be yourself man. You are fighting a losing battle if you try to do otherwise.

    Here's the reality of the situation - people love to speculate about other people's personal business. It's just how it is, especially in an office environment.

    If it wasn't your body language it would be something else. For me, it was the fact that I was single and didn't have any history of girlfriends. Give people enough time and they will put two and two together.

    Retreating and isolating yourself is not a wise way to handle the situation. Is there a reason you don't want certain people to know about your sexuality?







    I have slowly but surely improved after all these years. I don't even know how I could be so feminine those years. It's a part of me now.

    I really like your comment [It's a shame there's no LIKE buttong like in Facebook] but I do think that being alone is the answer. I tend to get isolated from the world, just staying in my room reading and listening to music. It's better to live this way b/c people aren't going to hurt you.

    It could be a contradiction but I don't feel ashamed of being who I am. I have always said that I am not better or worse for being gay. I make mistakes all the time but also do good things and it has nothing to do with the fact that I sleep with other men. But at the same time, I am extremely sad that I am not discreet enough and that I can be effeminate.
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    Apr 06, 2013 1:33 AM GMT
    8907ed saidI have improved a lot but maybe I have not improved enough.

    Or degraded your self

    Depending on how you look at things.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 06, 2013 1:42 AM GMT
    8907ed saidI feel very shocked...

    But why? Apparently you're not comfortable with your sexuality. Like it has to be kept a big secret or something. Yeah, people think about and question other people's sexuality because that is what people do but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. In the grand scheme of things we all think WAY more about ourselves than anyone else. I mean, seriously, think about it: How much do you really care what the other people in this group do or don't do. And, of course, you have no real idea. People present themselves one way but may be something totally different.

    So it sounds like you're over thinking this or something because you're not comfortable with yourself. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more other people will be comfortable with you.
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    Apr 06, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Many things can tip people of that you are gay.
    Doesn't have to be that you are effeminate.
    It could be that you are so inhibited that makes people wonder what you are hiding?

    Just accept who you are and become comfy with yourself. As long as you like who you are others will, too.
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    Apr 06, 2013 2:06 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    8907ed saidI have improved a lot but maybe I have not improved enough.

    Or degraded your self

    Depending on how you look at things.


    I don't think I have degraded myself. I have just controlled a lot of the things that would make me easy to spot as gay easily. I knew I didn't have it all set up but I am still shocked that if someones observes enough, they discover it. That's what happened where I worked at before - one person was the only one observant enough and he began to spread the rumor. Fortunately, I had a very good manager who took control of the sitation

    MikeW said
    8907ed saidI feel very shocked...

    But why? Apparently you're not comfortable with your sexuality. Like it has to be kept a big secret or something. Yeah, people think about and question other people's sexuality because that is what people do but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. In the grand scheme of things we all think WAY more about ourselves than anyone else. I mean, seriously, think about it: How much do you really care what the other people in this group do or don't do. And, of course, you have no real idea. People present themselves one way but may be something totally different.

    So it sounds like you're over thinking this or something because you're not comfortable with yourself. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more other people will be comfortable with you.


    Thanks for your comment. As I said in my previous post, the thing is that I feel OK with who I am and this doesn't make me any different for the better or worse but I don't want to be seen as obviously gay. About this circle, it was very important: It's a National Fraud Prevention Committee, it was supposed to be a circle of professionals but I see it's not.

    bhp91126 saidMany things can tip people of that you are gay.
    Doesn't have to be that you are effeminate.
    It could be that you are so inhibited that makes people wonder what you are hiding?

    Just accept who you are and become comfy with yourself. As long as you like who you are others will, too.

    Thanks
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    Apr 06, 2013 2:14 AM GMT
    who fuckin cares
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    Apr 06, 2013 2:24 AM GMT
    8907ed saidI don't think I have degraded myself. I have just controlled a lot of the things that would make me easy to spot as gay easily. I knew I didn't have it all set up but I am still shocked that if someones observes enough, they discover it. That's what happened where I worked at before - one person was the only one observant enough and he began to spread the rumor. Fortunately, I had a very good manager who took control of the sitation

    You have to change who you are to fit in and not be found out..

    Your forcing yourself into a mold that isn't yours

    That's degrading to yourself and others around you.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 06, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    Embrace who you are ... you are wonderful just the way you are

    This guy says some really good stuff
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    Apr 06, 2013 10:42 AM GMT
    I tend to agree with many of the opinions stated here, but I think people should consider as well that in some countries, and in some places of some countries of the western world as well, being gay is still an issue, especially at work.
    Of course, the more you hide it the more people will feel it as a "weakness".
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    Apr 06, 2013 10:57 AM GMT
    Thank you guys for all your comments.

    After some sleep, I still feel very sad. Not because others know about me but I am very mad at myself b/c I haven't done enough to be discreet,

    I think it's important you know that at my previous job I was bullied b/c of my sexual orientation. It wasn't an open bullying but I was mad because this wasn't middle school but a "supposed" professional environment. I talked to the Manager and things got kind of easier after he was strong enough to address the situation.

    I'm out at my current job. In fact, there was a situation where I got all crazy b/c of some gay jokes that were not directed to me but still I felt angry and then I came out. I have a very supportive boss and this has not changed anything.

    Going back to the topic: Yes, I feel very sad and I wish I could have done more to be manly. The thing is that I acknowledge I have feminine traits but not like I was 10 or 15 years ago. I don't know.
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    Apr 06, 2013 10:59 AM GMT
    Are guys just looking for pity for something they should be proud of, or do the greater majority of guys just let others have control over their self image??? icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 06, 2013 11:06 AM GMT
    8907ed saidThank you guys for all your comments.

    After some sleep, I still feel very sad. Not because others know about me but I am very mad at myself b/c I haven't done enough to be discreet,

    I think it's important you know that at my previous job I was bullied b/c of my sexual orientation. It wasn't an open bullying but I was mad because this wasn't middle school but a "supposed" professional environment. I talked to the Manager and things got kind of easier after he was strong enough to address the situation.

    I'm out at my current job. In fact, there was a situation where I got all crazy b/c of some gay jokes that were not directed to me but still I felt angry and then I came out. I have a very supportive boss and this has not changed anything.

    Going back to the topic: Yes, I feel very sad and I wish I could have done more to be manly. The thing is that I acknowledge I have feminine traits but not like I was 10 or 15 years ago. I don't know.

    WOW I've read some fucked up shit on RJ but that shit is just fucked.
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    Apr 06, 2013 11:08 AM GMT
    While I agree with your concern, the fact is if people at your job already recognize you are guy there is nothing you can do to change this.

    If he actually has evidence of discrimination against him then he needs to take the actions that are appropriate for him, either fight it or leave.

    However, if he is simply concerned about snickering behind his back this is something that many people contend with daily for being fat, short or in any way not fitting society's norms.

    It is not fair that some people get an easy pass through life, but life is not fair.

    Own who you are and people will respect you in the end.

    Edit:

    Just read the OPS additional comments about being bullied before which is definitely an added stress. I hope you are getting some sort of help to get beyond that.

    You need to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. Beating yourself up is only going to put you in a darker place and negatively impact your work and social life.

    If you give up on yourself, the bullies win.

    italianmisarc saidI tend to agree with many of the opinions stated here, but I think people should consider as well that in some countries, and in some places of some countries of the western world as well, being gay is still an issue, especially at work.
    Of course, the more you hide it the more people will feel it as a "weakness".
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    Apr 06, 2013 11:13 AM GMT
    So, you have been bullied before for being gay and your reaction to it is liking yourself less for when some people think you were obviously gay? And that doesn't sound wrong to you?
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    Apr 06, 2013 11:20 AM GMT
    Exactly that.
    But not everybody was born as a leader. Not everybody wakes up every morning happily ready to fight for a better society.
    Most people just want to go to work, do their shit, and go home and care about anything else but that.
    Of course it's a personal "weakness", because the OP himself feels this way about it. If he was OK with that, or strongly proud, I suppose problems wouldn't be such a big deal.
    But before getting a job, you have an interview to pass. If you are perceived as "too gay", in some nations, Italy in my case, you'll end up being a hairdresser, a shop assistant, a singer, a bartender in a gay bar, but NEVER EVER a bank CEO, a policeman, a firefighter and so on. I'm not saying that there are no gays doing such jobs, but I'm saying that unfortunately being perceived as feminine kills your career in certain environments.

    Ask any transexual. To them, it is so obvious that they cannot get any job at all.

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    Apr 06, 2013 11:30 AM GMT
    Conformity
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 06, 2013 11:33 AM GMT
    Remember, we partially create our worlds. My assistants either suspect I'm gay or probably know it, but my work environment is for that.... work, I don't discuss my personal life, it isn't anybody's business. It would be that way if I were straight. I wouldn't discuss family issues, problems, etc.

    Now having said that, if you choose to discuss personal issues, you create your scene. Being gay isn't anything to be ashamed of, who gives a damn if they "suspect". I'm so done with worrying about such things in life. Take it, incorporate it and be proud of who you are. You are a talented, unique individual who has a great deal to share and give, both personally and professionally. This people ought to be focused on your input as a fellow professional, strictly.