when your closeted boss wants to have sex with you

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:24 AM GMT
    This really happened to me....not on RJ

    Say your closeted boss (or future boss) was trolling around here on RJ, he found you and your profile pictures cause he knows you are openly gay at work, he anonymously contacted you on RJ, told you he knows who you are and what department you belong to but refuses to tell you who he is because of his fear of being outed at work in a cut throat management environment. The man claiming to be your boss one day (eventually did) tells you about his sorted secret life.. bisexual, married to a transgender women and has two teenage kids. His tranny wife knows he fools around with men, I guess they have the "open relationship"

    Am i now binded to secrecy? even though i dont know who this man is (yet), it wasnt until 5 years later after his first contact on this gay website i figured out who this man was at work. When first contact on this gay website happened, i went to a fellow colleague, friend who was also openly gay, has a partner and happened to be in human resource in the same department, as i didnt know what to do, was someone going to threaten me? After spilling the beans about my anonymous admirer and his attempt to ask questions to other managers, my HR friend was "suddenly" (a week after i told him) shipped off to another job site, out of state, his only statement was "it was time to move on", i only told really close colleagues about this anonymous person and who i suspected it was, that person who i suspected was also "suddenly" shipped off to another job site, out of state, after the harrassment (from lower management) complaints started. I think the heat was getting to this person and from other managers that probably knew about his big secret and that he fucked up when he made an anonymous contact to his subordinate hinting about "sex with the manager"

    I knew something was up after my HR friends sudden departure, to finish a long story..I was rail roaded out of the company and it ended badly, attempts were made by others in management (but failed) to make it look like i was an unqualified worker even though all of my coworkers knew that i was the top performer with the most knowledge and wanted to get promotions, "climb the ladder" so to speak. I resigned in discust and most everyone knew why. Everyone at this business is required to take yearly Ethics training, apparently not everyone, especially in management, adheres to it.

    I am still recovering over the emotion and loss of my work friends, I didnt want to leave but was forced out due to someone in the "corporate closet", I did the ethical thing by leaving and have kept my integrity, suing them was an option, but they are powerful, I am ready to move on with my career somewhere else.

    So......what would you have done? The closeted manager was def not my type but even if he was, it would still have been inappropriate to sexually proposition a subordinate, we hear about male bosses sleeping with their female subordinates and getting into trouble, but what about this???????? a new precedent????? Just think if i had gone through with it, i would be trapped as a degraded slave, for sex and work, this is just not the right thing to do, sell yourself and your soul.

    This has been difficult for me moving on, I dont want this to happen ever again and i now know the warning signs, so do you gay men sleep with your openly gay or closeted gay boss so you can climb the ladder of success? or are you like me, rely on your talent, integrity and honesty to get ahead, does this work anymore or do i need to be more flexible if im approached with sex? What if im in a relationship myself and this happens? how you handle this?
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:01 AM GMT
    fuck everyone.... lie about it all....... move every 5 years.
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:05 AM GMT
    jonnyboy saidfuck everyone.... lie about it all....... move every 5 years.


    icon_lol.gif, um, moving sucks......anything else? icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:16 AM GMT
    keep records and make recorded conversations, if all else fails go to the cops and tell them you're being blackmailed.
    Having been in a similar situation myself some time ago, I was freaking out, admittedly I was young and nieve. It wasn't until I spoke to an older female mentor who pointed out that I was being blackmailed, by someone who had more to loose than me. I was after all, out.

    Blackmail is a bugger and amazingly not many victims realise that by going to the cops, the perp instantly looses all power.
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    Apr 07, 2013 4:03 AM GMT
    yiboz saidkeep records and make recorded conversations, if all else fails go to the cops and tell them you're being blackmailed.
    Having been in a similar situation myself some time ago, I was freaking out, admittedly I was young and nieve. It wasn't until I spoke to an older female mentor who pointed out that I was being blackmailed, by someone who had more to loose than me. I was after all, out.

    Blackmail is a bugger and amazingly not many victims realise that by going to the cops, the perp instantly looses all power.


    interesting you said blackmail, he def had more to lose than me, when i resigned in HR, i did tell them if the behavior (incivility and hostile) didnt stop, that i would just call the local police and make an offical complaint, but i did not think of blackmail at the time, but def knew coercion, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coercion was taking place http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackmail, "attempted murder of the soul"....WOW

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail
    this too^
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    Apr 07, 2013 4:33 AM GMT

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
    def this^
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 07, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    Sounds like you made the right decision for you, your character. Another type of person could have played this very differently but that doesn't make it 'right' for you. For sure, had you documented everything from the get-go, you would have been in a stronger position to confront this. But even so, then what?

    I've stayed clear of corporate culture my whole life because of this kind of manipulative crap. I think it is far more pervasive than most people realize. Our society suggests that what gets a person to 'the top' is ability in the work place. That's true but sometimes 'ability' has as much or more to do with ruthlessness or lack of ethics than integrity.

    Don't second guess this now. You did the right thing. It sucks but it isn't your fault.
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    Apr 07, 2013 4:23 PM GMT
    This is why I keep my real life and my RJ life fairly well separated.
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    Apr 07, 2013 5:06 PM GMT
    Screenshots are invaluable in these situations, for next time you get sexually harassed (because that's what it was).
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    Apr 07, 2013 10:21 PM GMT
    Here is some good reading, after careful thought about what happened, it was probably blackmail by a sociopathic predator within the cut throat management ranks, their is evidence that the predator has been exposed but still maintains his position in the management ranks while everyone else (who "sees" the blackmail behavior) around has been forced out, have left, move to another department or retired, im sure this known blackmailer at my ex-employer continues to blackmail whom ever is left and this keeps him in his position playing the puppet master, "the situation is not manageable"... is correct.. so unless some one takes out this blackmailer, either through prosecution and jail time (cause its a felony), accidental death or murder, he will just continue to have others do his dirty work...yeah, i did the right thing by getting out, i feel really bad for those still under the control of this evil sociopath.

    call the local police and make an offical complaint would have exposed the blackmail, but HR didnt give me a chance to do that, so HR has been covering up the blackmail too or have been blackmailed themselves....what is wrong with people?


    (sorry, the URL links didnt work for two of these)

    "Invisible Predators"
    "Sociopaths, according to recent research into the disorder, are motivated almost entirely by their desire for dominance, status, and power. They feel completely entitled to whatever they want, and are willing to do whatever it takes to get it: lie, steal, seduce, romance, pose, plagiarize, cheat, etc"
    [url]http://www.keswickhousepublishers.com/Keswick%20House%20Publishers/Blog/18CEC69B-BCE7-4069-A74B-377987C51E2D.html[/url]


    “I’m being blackmailed by a sociopath, what can I do?”
    "If it’s in a job situation, leave, asap — the situation is not manageable"
    http://rense.com/general95/sociop.html


    "workplace blackmail"
    [url]http://books.google.com/books?id=7TkPDQOdFz8C&pg=PA81&lpg=PA81&dq=workplace+blackmail&source=bl&ots=l_Id6Vh4V6&sig=LdKwA7TN_195ARI5OX3QLISrZqI&hl=en&sa=X&ei=pOthUc3zJcv0iwKV8YDwAg&ved=0CGUQ6AEwCDgK#v=onepage&q=workplace%20blackmail&f=false[/url]

  • He_Man

    Posts: 906

    Apr 07, 2013 10:26 PM GMT
    scruffLA said

    "Invisible Predators"
    "Sociopaths, according to recent research into the disorder, are motivated almost entirely by their desire for dominance, status, and power. They feel completely entitled to whatever they want, and are willing to do whatever it takes to get it: lie, steal, seduce, romance, pose, plagiarize, cheat, etc"
    [url]http://www.keswickhousepublishers.com/Keswick%20House%20Publishers/Blog/18CEC69B-BCE7-4069-A74B-377987C51E2D.html[/url]



    No one told me that they interviewed my ex for this research. How bizarre!
  • Eccomi09

    Posts: 203

    Apr 07, 2013 10:38 PM GMT
    scruffLA saidThis really happened to me....not on RJ

    Say your closeted boss (or future boss) was trolling around here on RJ, he found you and your profile pictures cause he knows you are openly gay at work, he anonymously contacted you on RJ, told you he knows who you are and what department you belong to but refuses to tell you who he is because of his fear of being outed at work in a cut throat management environment. The man claiming to be your boss one day (eventually did) tells you about his sorted secret life.. bisexual, married to a transgender women and has two teenage kids. His tranny wife knows he fools around with men, I guess they have the "open relationship"

    Am i now binded to secrecy? even though i dont know who this man is (yet), it wasnt until 5 years later after his first contact on this gay website i figured out who this man was at work. When first contact on this gay website happened, i went to a fellow colleague, friend who was also openly gay, has a partner and happened to be in human resource in the same department, as i didnt know what to do, was someone going to threaten me? After spilling the beans about my anonymous admirer and his attempt to ask questions to other managers, my HR friend was "suddenly" (a week after i told him) shipped off to another job site, out of state, his only statement was "it was time to move on", i only told really close colleagues about this anonymous person and who i suspected it was, that person who i suspected was also "suddenly" shipped off to another job site, out of state, after the harrassment (from lower management) complaints started. I think the heat was getting to this person and from other managers that probably knew about his big secret and that he fucked up when he made an anonymous contact to his subordinate hinting about "sex with the manager"

    I knew something was up after my HR friends sudden departure, to finish a long story..I was rail roaded out of the company and it ended badly, attempts were made by others in management (but failed) to make it look like i was an unqualified worker even though all of my coworkers knew that i was the top performer with the most knowledge and wanted to get promotions, "climb the ladder" so to speak. I resigned in discust and most everyone knew why. Everyone at this business is required to take yearly Ethics training, apparently not everyone, especially in management, adheres to it.

    I am still recovering over the emotion and loss of my work friends, I didnt want to leave but was forced out due to someone in the "corporate closet", I did the ethical thing by leaving and have kept my integrity, suing them was an option, but they are powerful, I am ready to move on with my career somewhere else.

    So......what would you have done? The closeted manager was def not my type but even if he was, it would still have been inappropriate to sexually proposition a subordinate, we hear about male bosses sleeping with their female subordinates and getting into trouble, but what about this???????? a new precedent????? Just think if i had gone through with it, i would be trapped as a degraded slave, for sex and work, this is just not the right thing to do, sell yourself and your soul.

    This has been difficult for me moving on, I dont want this to happen ever again and i now know the warning signs, so do you gay men sleep with your openly gay or closeted gay boss so you can climb the ladder of success? or are you like me, rely on your talent, integrity and honesty to get ahead, does this work anymore or do i need to be more flexible if im approached with sex? What if im in a relationship myself and this happens? how you handle this?


    I read your story closely, and I realize that if I were in the position as you were, I would have also left and ran as quickly as could be.

    Regret is not a good emotion to express continuously because it can never change what happened.

    The fact that your boss was forced into the closet means that the company completely encroaches on the personal lives of others, forcing them to be unethical in order to survive. We see that in other worlds, such as politics, and then the shit storm sordid lives just come pouring on out when someone accidentally makes one wrong but revealing move.

    Let's move from regret or anger--both emotions that cannot change the outcome and circumstances. Flip it around: What did you learn from that experience? First, you probably learned that you lucked out by leaving the position relatively unscathed except for a few ego bruises, and not what the others had experienced. you left a toxic environment, and really should be thankful. Now you know what to do the next time you're confronted with a situation like this: Start applying everywhere and GTFO.

    In this day and age, someone who is afraid of being fired for being gay is clearly in a business that doesn't need you in it.

    Stay strong, and don't regret it. What other lessons do you think you learned from this experience?
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    Apr 07, 2013 10:41 PM GMT
    Moral of the story: Sleep with your boss when requested so you can both keep your jobs. icon_twisted.gif
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    Apr 07, 2013 10:42 PM GMT
    He_Man said
    scruffLA said

    "Invisible Predators"
    "Sociopaths, according to recent research into the disorder, are motivated almost entirely by their desire for dominance, status, and power. They feel completely entitled to whatever they want, and are willing to do whatever it takes to get it: lie, steal, seduce, romance, pose, plagiarize, cheat, etc"
    [url]http://www.keswickhousepublishers.com/Keswick%20House%20Publishers/Blog/18CEC69B-BCE7-4069-A74B-377987C51E2D.html[/url]



    No one told me that they interviewed my ex for this research. How bizarre!


    ^feels very bad for He_Man icon_cry.gif, be glad it wasnt your employer messin with your career
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:07 PM GMT
    Eccomi09 said
    scruffLA saidThis really happened to me....not on RJ

    Say your closeted boss (or future boss) was trolling around here on RJ, he found you and your profile pictures cause he knows you are openly gay at work, he anonymously contacted you on RJ, told you he knows who you are and what department you belong to but refuses to tell you who he is because of his fear of being outed at work in a cut throat management environment. The man claiming to be your boss one day (eventually did) tells you about his sorted secret life.. bisexual, married to a transgender women and has two teenage kids. His tranny wife knows he fools around with men, I guess they have the "open relationship"

    Am i now binded to secrecy? even though i dont know who this man is (yet), it wasnt until 5 years later after his first contact on this gay website i figured out who this man was at work. When first contact on this gay website happened, i went to a fellow colleague, friend who was also openly gay, has a partner and happened to be in human resource in the same department, as i didnt know what to do, was someone going to threaten me? After spilling the beans about my anonymous admirer and his attempt to ask questions to other managers, my HR friend was "suddenly" (a week after i told him) shipped off to another job site, out of state, his only statement was "it was time to move on", i only told really close colleagues about this anonymous person and who i suspected it was, that person who i suspected was also "suddenly" shipped off to another job site, out of state, after the harrassment (from lower management) complaints started. I think the heat was getting to this person and from other managers that probably knew about his big secret and that he fucked up when he made an anonymous contact to his subordinate hinting about "sex with the manager"

    I knew something was up after my HR friends sudden departure, to finish a long story..I was rail roaded out of the company and it ended badly, attempts were made by others in management (but failed) to make it look like i was an unqualified worker even though all of my coworkers knew that i was the top performer with the most knowledge and wanted to get promotions, "climb the ladder" so to speak. I resigned in discust and most everyone knew why. Everyone at this business is required to take yearly Ethics training, apparently not everyone, especially in management, adheres to it.

    I am still recovering over the emotion and loss of my work friends, I didnt want to leave but was forced out due to someone in the "corporate closet", I did the ethical thing by leaving and have kept my integrity, suing them was an option, but they are powerful, I am ready to move on with my career somewhere else.

    So......what would you have done? The closeted manager was def not my type but even if he was, it would still have been inappropriate to sexually proposition a subordinate, we hear about male bosses sleeping with their female subordinates and getting into trouble, but what about this???????? a new precedent????? Just think if i had gone through with it, i would be trapped as a degraded slave, for sex and work, this is just not the right thing to do, sell yourself and your soul.

    This has been difficult for me moving on, I dont want this to happen ever again and i now know the warning signs, so do you gay men sleep with your openly gay or closeted gay boss so you can climb the ladder of success? or are you like me, rely on your talent, integrity and honesty to get ahead, does this work anymore or do i need to be more flexible if im approached with sex? What if im in a relationship myself and this happens? how you handle this?


    I read your story closely, and I realize that if I were in the position as you were, I would have also left and ran as quickly as could be.

    Regret is not a good emotion to express continuously because it can never change what happened.

    The fact that your boss was forced into the closet means that the company completely encroaches on the personal lives of others, forcing them to be unethical in order to survive. We see that in other worlds, such as politics, and then the shit storm sordid lives just come pouring on out when someone accidentally makes one wrong but revealing move.

    Let's move from regret or anger--both emotions that cannot change the outcome and circumstances. Flip it around: What did you learn from that experience? First, you probably learned that you lucked out by leaving the position relatively unscathed except for a few ego bruises, and not what the others had experienced. you left a toxic environment, and really should be thankful. Now you know what to do the next time you're confronted with a situation like this: Start applying everywhere and GTFO.

    In this day and age, someone who is afraid of being fired for being gay is clearly in a business that doesn't need you in it.

    Stay strong, and don't regret it. What other lessons do you think you learned from this experience?


    ^this

    i dont regret leaving the toxic situation, the stress the secret blackmailer put me under for several years was just horrendous, i couldnt function at work anymore in the end, my health has improved since i left so thats a good thing, i do miss my close coworkers though most of whom im still in contact with FB,

    what other lessons? trust...how the hell do i go back out into the working world when i know now that these predators exist?, i was "sucker punched", i'll be forever questioning someones motive, looking over my shoulder and prob will have difficulty trusting especially any manager, ive always been the type to build trust and earn respect, but those that are sociopathic blackmailers, tear down that trust, ive always known, in my line of work to "cover your own ass", but that is different than committing a crime such as blackmail, which has ethical implications, i dont apologize for being a "do-gooder"
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:27 PM GMT
    Unfortunately the workplace is changing...
    A few years ago it used to be about making sales, going above and beyond what is expected of you but it is turning about what people think of you or their perception more than you work.
    Very sad.
    In your case, you experienced it- learn from it, and move on.
    Just be aware of it in your next position and be proactive.
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:28 PM GMT
    Trollileo said
    paulflexes saidMoral of the story: Sleep with your boss when requested so you can both keep your jobs. icon_twisted.gif
    Works every time.


    its one thing when your dating a co-worker, on the same level, but serious ethical implications and confict of interest when the relationship is a superior/subordinate, it might work on TV or movies, but that is not how real life works, you have a conscience choice to make and should know the difference between right and wrong, you guys who would sleep with your boss, i wish you the best, but remember, you are now trapped in your own cesspoolicon_confused.gif
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:30 PM GMT
    Never shit where you eat...
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:32 PM GMT
    musclelatino2010 saidNever shit where you eat...
    Explain why restaurants have restrooms.
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:33 PM GMT
    musclelatino2010 saidUnfortunately the workplace is changing...
    A few years ago it used to be about making sales, going above and beyond what is expected of you but it is turning about what people think of you or their perception more than you work.
    Very sad.
    In your case, you experienced it- learn from it, and move on.
    Just be aware of it in your next position and be proactive.


    yeah, going above and beyond got me nowhere, i was just used, so do i now become a slacker at my next job?icon_wink.gif
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Apr 07, 2013 11:42 PM GMT
    This is a good example of why people are justified in keeping their faces out of their public photos on websites like these.

    scruffLA, I don't understand the timeline here. It wasn't until 5 years after his initial contact that you both got railroaded out of the company? What was going on in the ensuing time?

    In general, I think we professionals are supposed to attempt to smooth over problems with colleagues directly (if appropriate) and only go to upper management/human resources when one-on-one conflict resolution fails. Did you make clear to him that his contact with you hear was inappropriate and should not be continued, or did you entertain it? Was this a one-time thing on ongoing "harassment"?

    Labor law has many protections for those who can demonstrate they were sexually harassed, but "no" and "stop" should be the first course of action before gossip, innuendo, and human resources.
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    Apr 08, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete saidThis is a good example of why people are justified in keeping their faces out of their public photos on websites like these.

    scruffLA, I don't understand the timeline here. It wasn't until 5 years after his initial contact that you both got railroaded out of the company? What was going on in the ensuing time?

    In general, I think we professionals are supposed to attempt to smooth over problems with colleagues directly (if appropriate) and only go to upper management/human resources when one-on-one conflict resolution fails. Did you make clear to him that his contact with you hear was inappropriate and should not be continued, or did you entertain it? Was this a one-time thing on ongoing "harassment"?

    Labor law has many protections for those who can demonstrate they were sexually harassed, but "no" and "stop" should be the first course of action before gossip, innuendo, and human resources.


    Troy, there are two managers envolved in this blackmail, the department manager was the one being blackmailed, the middle manager who reported to him is the blackmailer, the department manager is the one closeted, i believe this is what happened....... (the 5 years ago)

    Since the middle manager is the blackmailer and knew all about the department managers secret life, I believe it was the middle manager that made first contact with me (the 5 years ago) on the gay website pretending (impersonating) to be the department manager to establish the "relationship" (cause i was out and a sympathetic ear) and to set up the department managers exit so that the middle manager could take his spot, this is the cut throat management style of this workplace. Yes, there are certain specifics i did not reveal but it had to do with behind my back defamation by the blackmailer, the middle manager. Once this defamation was publicly known, the blackmailer was no longer hidden and was exposed. The department managers (the one being blackmailed) secret was now comprimised and they had to move him out of that position, fast and sudden. The blackmailer turned his remaining attention to me.

    Like i said, i was "sucker punched" and used as a pawn in the blackmailers game to "overthrow" an upper manager, thus giving the blackmailer the department, BUT, it backfired because the secret defaming became public and everyone knew who did it, once it was exposed by me, i became 2nd enemy #1 to the blackmailer, it all went downhill for me when the defaming became exposed to the public (public i mean internal and co-workers), the blackmailer continues his middle management position im guessing cause hes blackmailing others and a stand off with upper management as occured, he will be stuck in that middle management position until he dies or retires, never moving upwards like he planned, without going into more specifics, i cant really say anymore, hope that helps clarify.

    good movie plot?, lets see, who will play me icon_razz.gif