Ever feel like you don't know how to be anything but angry?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2013 7:36 AM GMT
    Subject title? My bf cheated on me...over 10 years. I'm pissed off. I want to punch him in the face and I'm not speaking metaphorically. I want to fuck him up - I would love to bruise his eyes. I also want to cheat on him to make him feel the same pain. I also don't because I feel numb and hate men altogether. I'm so angry and I'm angry all the time I'm at home around him. I hate myself lately and I just want to punch someone. I hate gay men in general lately. I hate the whole sex crazed gay culture. I hate gay men. I know I'm being unfair but i'm so angry and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not an angry person but lately all I feel is anger and lash out all the time. I don't know how to fix it.
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    Apr 07, 2013 8:04 AM GMT
    Thanks. It actually happened a year ago. I found out about 9 months ago. It was 1 guy. I was trying to make things work but I've found over time I've gotten more bitter and angry and lately, over the past couple weeks I'm seething with hatred. I hate who I am as much as I hate him. I don't have to tell you that of all people - I was so rude to you, I couldnt even go back and look at the thread the next day I was so embarassed. I don't even know what came over me. Its not me at all. I'm just so angry lately. I feel like I just am constantly looking for fights even slamming shoulders into people on the sidewalk. I'm so mad about everything and until the past couple weeks I could contain it but now I'm just angry. Period. All the time.

    I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends, because you know, you're that 10 year couple....you're not allowed to have problems and you certainly don't want to have all your friends talking about it. Stupid concern but its reality nonetheless. After 9 months I'm also so exhausted thinking about it. Maybe I shouldnt' be with him but after 10 years, everything is tied together. bills, credit cards, etc. Should I really end a 10 year relationship over one infidelity? We were going through a rough spot - not that thats an exuse, but its not like he just went out to get off. Its really confusing and I know no one can answer it for me. But I'm just so exhausted from being angry and pretending its all ok. I hate even being around my friends pretending its ok. I'm exhausted from being so angry. I just don't know how to stop being so angry, you know? I wish someone could tell me how to not be so angry
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    Apr 07, 2013 9:19 AM GMT
    I have never been in your exact situation, but I have been hurt to the point that I became very angry and bitter. It started taking over my life and no one wanted to be around me.

    I am so sorry you have been put in this situation. - What I did learn was that distance can bring perspective. It's hard to deal with the anger when you are still in the middle of the situation that caused it. I am not saying your should run away and I am not saying you should walk out and close the door to this relationship, but perhaps you should take a few days and distance yourself from the situation and try to sort out the things that are making you angry.

    I will implore you - please do not let this turn you into the bitter, angry person that I became. It will destroy you from the inside out and you will push everyone in your life away.

    Again I am so sorry this has happened to you. Take care and I wish you all the best.

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    Apr 07, 2013 9:57 AM GMT
    Yeah... You really should work on that anger... It's making you completely irrational...

    ...As much as I love Yourname and Tanker .. I'll say this..

    you do not need to be comforted or appeased....You need HARD REALITY..!!!

    ..This is you throwing a CHILDISH TEMPER TANTRUM !!

    ..Who the Hell do you think you are with intent to punish gay men for what happened to YOU??

    Of all the actions and thoughts you could have chosen....
    You immediately resorted to hate and violence ..Towards your Own... And then turned around to ask US for help??? REALLY??

    ...You feel the NEED to punch someone really bad !!??
    When I got cheated on .. I blamed myself for CHOOSING a DUFUS !!..

    See..anger is not getting the best of you...It's just finally settling where it belongs.. You are almost comfortable with being totally irrational..??

    "I hate myself lately and I just want to punch someone". ??

    When I hate ME.. I punish ME..

    Your opening post shows very little motivation in claiming any responsibility other than ..'you feel bad for feeling bad'

    ..You are not the first person in the world to be cheated on and you won't be the last..

    As much as I'd love to Grab you..Hug you... and give you the broadest shoulders to cry on..
    ..I'll tell you.. There is no fix for this kind of rage..

    You have to assume some responsibility for what occurs with the man You Chose !

    ..He broke YOU..and Now You are Breaking YOU!!..
    Isn't that just more broken pieces for YOU to put together??

    At what point will you look yourself in the mirror and say.."No More".. "I will no longer carry around this bullshit burden"???

    PS.. I'm so sorry you have to go through this...
    HUGS icon_cry.gif


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    Apr 07, 2013 10:20 AM GMT
    I'm sorry for your breakup. Obviously, he took you for granted, and doesn't deserve you. It's okay to be angry! Take up a new hobby, go for long runs, hiking, boxing, karaoke, or learn to play an instrument! Just get that frustration out of your system constructively and out into the world.

    I'm no victim, but generally I'm not the angry one in relationships. When I feel "anger", I get listen to music, walk, write, meditate, almost anything to keep anger from taking root and blinding me.
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    Apr 07, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    First of all, unless you are truly in love and willing to work it out leave him. Put your personal mental health above his.

    Second, no one gains anything when someone gets hurt. Does this sound familiar "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." (I think that was Ghandi. Maybe Confusious. Heck if I know)

    Third. Anger is temporary guilt is forever. Never act out of anger, because there are always ramifications.

    You were hurt, and obviously you want to lash out. Completely understandable. Heres what you are gonna do.

    1. Write down what you feel. Write a message to yourself out of rage (Or just use this)

    2. Find a punching bag and beat the crap out of it until you can't even move.

    3. Find a good place to relax and stay in silence for awhile. Contemplate everything that has happened and slowly start accepting it.

    4. Grow from this. Realize how to cope and how you as a person want to be known for your actions and how you deal with people hurting you.

    I'm sorry all of this happened to you. Don't hate, grow, move-on and one day soon you will find love.
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    Apr 07, 2013 9:10 PM GMT
    To the OP, the way you are talking right now you sound just like the guy I cared for that slapped me across my face this morning, because he was angry and I tried to comfort him. My bitterness towards you is ever increasing as I type these words. I know what he did to you was wrong, but the idea of your remedy, to physically abuse someone, to quench your own feelings and to drown out your sorrows, makes me sick to my stomach!!
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    Apr 07, 2013 9:21 PM GMT
    Whenever I hear stories about partners who go outside the relationship for sex, I'm often reminded of two quotes that describe the impermanence of all things, including love.

    The first, by Brazilian author Paulo Coelho:

    Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever, finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

    and the second by Greek philosopher Heraclitus:

    No man steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he is not the same man.

    Noodle on those a bit and see what you come up with.


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    Apr 07, 2013 9:27 PM GMT
    Ease off on the roids and come on over to my place for a full body massage and everything you could ever want BBQ....icon_wink.gif
  • He_Man

    Posts: 906

    Apr 07, 2013 9:33 PM GMT
    Anger is a normal feeling after you experience an emotional episode, such as a divorce, the death of a loved one or getting cheated on. It's part of the healing process, so ride it out. There's no need to feel bad about being angry or feeling the need to suppress that anger. That will only make your anger worse.

    Instead of letting the anger take control of your life, take control of the anger and use it constructively. I went through a similar breakup with my ex last year, and man, it took a toll on me. When I finally got over the depression, my anger came out like the Incredible Hulk. I hated all gay men, especially gay guys that reminded me of my ex. Even though I bitched about it a lot, I never really hated other people. I was really disappointed in myself for being used and abused by a sociopath. I turned that hate and anger into motivation at the gym. All of that anger I channeled into raw, physical power and destroyed the gym. With every rep, I imagined myself getting bigger, stronger and better.

    I've recently made a comment in a "depression" topic about how I wished all mental health modalities would incorporate exercise, diet and weight training into their therapies, and that also applies to the grieving process. There's nothing better than helping you get over anger than working it out.

    Here was a quote from the Buddha that helped me out a lot: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." It's true because anger only harms ourselves never those that we are angry with. They are going about their daily lives, but we sit back and hold on to the anger which is slowly burning away our souls. Drop the coal, man.
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:13 PM GMT
    HUG!

    You dont have any friends you can talk to you?

    Aforementioned therapy would be great I think, especially if he agreed to go with you.

    Very sorry that happened to you, It's a real shame.

    Feel Better!


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    Apr 07, 2013 11:20 PM GMT
    Sorry my friend that sux.You really need sometime apart to relax and reflect.Hope things get better for you.Ryan and Ruben.
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:42 PM GMT
    you said "I'm angry all the time I'm at home around him."

    Are you still living with him?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 07, 2013 11:49 PM GMT
    anger doesn't really accomplish much except make you feel bad. why are you punishing yourself for something he did? are you hoping it will punish him too?
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    Apr 07, 2013 11:57 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidYou have a right to your anger but threatening other people's physical safety and personal space (e.g. purposely slamming shoulders and knocking into people with the anticipation of starting a fight) is completely unacceptable. You are shitting all over these passerby folks who do not deserve what you are doing to them. Do you have any idea how selfish that is to toss your shit onto unsuspecting strangers? Just think of the negative chain reactive effect you're creating by physically intimidating others because of your own personal problem. That's just awful.


    True, that. However, unlike a number of guys on RJ who can't understand or control their anger, the OP is reaching out to us for help. He has taken the first step -- admitting he has a problem. Thankfully, you and others are able to offer him guidance.
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    Apr 08, 2013 12:00 AM GMT
    Seric saidTo the OP, the way you are talking right now you sound just like the guy I cared for that slapped me across my face this morning, because he was angry and I tried to comfort him. My bitterness towards you is ever increasing as I type these words. I know what he did to you was wrong, but the idea of your remedy, to physically abuse someone, to quench your own feelings and to drown out your sorrows, makes me sick to my stomach!!


    Seric, I hope you will not be staying in that relationship. It is not likely to get better, but it could get much worse. Here's a hug.
  • Lucky350

    Posts: 167

    Apr 08, 2013 12:03 AM GMT
    I recommend witness protection for you ex!!!
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Apr 08, 2013 12:05 AM GMT
    I'll start off by saying I recently went through a bad break up where I was cheated on and lied to by my partner and my friends. I found the truth about what happened by myself on facebook and I was in a blind rage for a LONG time. The guys on RJ were a great help to me (and continue to be)
    My relationship was a little over two years - yours was/ is ten so that is a much bigger chunk of your life.
    The thing about anger is that it exists for a reason - it can stop you getting depressed but you just need to make sure you don't get caught in a cycle of depression turning to anger, turning to depression.... use the anger to do something positive even if you are feeling self-destructive at the moment. For now use it to get in even better shape than you're already in even if for now that just means being able to hit a punching bag at the gym even harder. When I found myself in a blind rage I would immediately hit the ground and do as many consecutive push ups as I could. It helped.
    If you and your partner want to continue your relationship I highly recommend seeing a couples therapist, as yourname2000 said, they are professionals....
    But in any case, whether you continue your relationship or not - you will first need to forgive yourself and then your partner. Trust me, there's no greater sense of victory than forgiveness. It's not weak, it's the strongest thing you can do - and that doesn't mean you're letting them off the hook - ultimately they are responsible for their actions and will pay the price one way or another.
    I recommend getting the book 'Forgive for Good' by Fred Luskin. When I first read it I felt like I'd wasted my money and I was angry at the author for what I though was shitty advice and flimsy exercises, but if you actually do what he says verbatim it really helps tremendously and advice like 'don't take it personally' now actually makes sense instead of sending me into a rage.
    Sorry for the rambling message. I hope you start feeling better soon. Trust me, there are nice guys out there just like you.
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    Apr 08, 2013 12:10 AM GMT
    uoft23 saidSubject title? My bf cheated on me...over 10 years. I'm pissed off. I want to punch him in the face and I'm not speaking metaphorically. I want to fuck him up - I would love to bruise his eyes. I also want to cheat on him to make him feel the same pain. I also don't because I feel numb and hate men altogether. I'm so angry and I'm angry all the time I'm at home around him. I hate myself lately and I just want to punch someone. I hate gay men in general lately. I hate the whole sex crazed gay culture. I hate gay men. I know I'm being unfair but i'm so angry and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not an angry person but lately all I feel is anger and lash out all the time. I don't know how to fix it.


    Jesus, my ears are physically burning while reading this.

    So no, you are not alone, and yes, society is the problem.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 08, 2013 12:25 AM GMT
    You indicated it happened a year ago, but you found out 9 months ago. You haven't really indicated what were the circumstances. Was he drunk, was he having revenge sex, can you be certain this has been the only infidelaty? Should you break off a 10 year relationship for 1 infidelity? Maybe so, if you are feeling that much anger. Maybe the relationship has run its course. Maybe you are still angry because subconsciously you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship. Staying angry is not healthy. Yes you should split up if you can't move passed this, but you might consider couples counseling if you can, in your mind, determine why you have been together for 10 years and if you really want to spend the next 50 together. Relationships are complicated, there are going to be ups and downs in all of them. Unconditional love is difficult to give and you should only give it to someone worthy of it.
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    Apr 08, 2013 12:39 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the responses and honesty. I've yet to punch anyone including my bf and wouldn't. I just don't like feeling this way and acting like a jerk which I'm finding myself do on occasion. I don't really want to go into all the details of why he cheated or if I want to forgive him because I really son know at this point. Right now I just want to feel like me again. For lack of a better phrase.its hard to explain but when I'm at work or cycling or at the gym I'm fine. But when I'm around him it's like night and day. Suddenly I'm annoyed by everything. I think the advice about taking to someone might be what I should do because in 9 months I've yet to figure it out on my own and maybe that's what's leading to all the resentment.


    But either way, thanks for letting me vent.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Apr 08, 2013 2:22 AM GMT
    You still live with him and you are angry all the time who do you have to blame but yourself?

    I wonder what his side of the story might be....... icon_question.gif
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    Apr 08, 2013 2:57 AM GMT
    uoft23 saidSubject title? My bf cheated on me...over 10 years. I'm pissed off. I want to punch him in the face and I'm not speaking metaphorically. I want to fuck him up - I would love to bruise his eyes. I also want to cheat on him to make him feel the same pain. I also don't because I feel numb and hate men altogether. I'm so angry and I'm angry all the time I'm at home around him. I hate myself lately and I just want to punch someone. I hate gay men in general lately. I hate the whole sex crazed gay culture. I hate gay men. I know I'm being unfair but i'm so angry and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not an angry person but lately all I feel is anger and lash out all the time. I don't know how to fix it.


    First off, why exactly his eyes? That seems oddly specific. icon_confused.gif

    Second, I think it stands to reason that he obviously won't feel the same pain from you cheating on him, since he was the first one to cheat. Not to mention, horrible things usually come from revenge sex. Maybe not immediately, but I've known several people who have inflicted lasting psychological harm upon themselves and others from the act.

    Third, don't hate yourself. Remember what Yoda said.

    Fourth, you should probably stop to consider that the explanation is probably a bit more complicated than your BF possibly being part of the "sex crazed gay culture". You were together for ten years without a hitch? That doesn't exactly sound like the stereotype you are describing and I don't think it should be written off as such.

    Fifth, in my experience (which should be taken with a grain of salt), the only true way to deflate all the hate is to experience a good quantity of an opposite (but not necessarily negative) emotion. Find a good friend and watch a happy movie that's guaranteed to make you cry at some point, or something like that. Don't just rant about your feelings - truly open up to someone. You might have to do it many times. Until you do that, until you allow someone else to take a stab at all that hate, it's going to remain the dominant emotion.
  • thomazza

    Posts: 21

    Apr 08, 2013 3:16 AM GMT
    osakarob saidWhenever I hear stories about partners who go outside the relationship for sex, I'm often reminded of two quotes that describe the impermanence of all things, including love.

    The first, by Brazilian author Paulo Coelho:

    Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever, finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

    and the second by Greek philosopher Heraclitus:

    No man steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he is not the same man.

    Noodle on those a bit and see what you come up with.




    Thanks for mentioning those quotes. Going through a very different, but similar in an odd way, thing myself and those quotes hit home.
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    Apr 08, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    hdurdinr said...The thing about anger is that it exists for a reason - it can stop you getting depressed but you just need to make sure you don't get caught in a cycle of depression turning to anger, turning to depression.... use the anger to do something positive even if you are feeling self-destructive at the moment. For now use it to get in even better shape than you're already in even if for now that just means being able to hit a punching bag at the gym even harder. When I found myself in a blind rage I would immediately hit the ground and do as many consecutive push ups as I could. It helped.....


    I thought I'd run into you if I continued scrolling down, as you came to mind while reading the OP. I know I still owe you an email on this subject and I, again, apologize for my delay. I thought I had a lot of this stuff packed away but in thinking about your issues, my own old crap came rushing to the surface. So sorry about that; I am working on putting it all away yet again.

    You and the OP and I and others are going through our own little variations of betrayal trauma: when social contracts break.

    The forgiveness stuff might work to remedy some pain in particular circumstances but I doubt that a universal balm. One of my problems is the opposite of the OP's in that I get sad instead of angry. Anger for me requires effort. No one says to me "you mad?" They say "you butt hurt." I used to be very good at forgiving and forgetting and setting myself up for a whole new round of getting fucked over. Dumb or accepting the flaws of others?

    This time around, the offense played upon me was so horrible that even though I've tried to find a way to forgive (without finding one and I'm usually good at that), I've come to realize that at least in this instance, I have to let myself off that forgiveness hook. I'm not obligated to amend their offense. I need to learn to get angry and to stay angry for at least long enough to jettison myself towards some peace of mind instead of hitting myself over the head with the same bat that was swung at me.

    But of course, if the OP is taking his anger out on others, well, that's a problem. You can't be bumping into people's shoulders and starting fights. You're misdirecting on purpose because if you hit your target you know its gonna hurt and that's gonna make you feel bad. And just like I have trouble with anger, you probably have trouble with sad. It's a vulnerable position. You've already been hurt so why should you continue hurting yourself when you can just go off hurting others. That's avoidance.

    "You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible.”~~Anton Chekhov

    Now I do trust that the person who fucked me over would fuck me over again, so I'm glad to report that I haven't lost any faith in humanity. Though I hope I am one day able to trust others again, because that's what was stolen from us by the betrayals, as only then will life become possible. That's the tough part. How do you get there?