You're gay but you're not a fag

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    Apr 07, 2013 1:44 PM GMT
    I recently became hired as a private investigator and was sent out on surveillance for my first case. I got to know the subject and the neighbors routine pretty well. One neighbor in particular would have male guest late at night . I laughed but didn't think anything of it because he wasn't the target. A few weeks into it I met the boss's son who originally started the case but had to go to the hospital . Ironically he lived within that area. When I told him about what I noticed about the people including that particular neighbor he responded

    "yeah I hate that guy he's a fag" and went on to explain about the spats they had. I told him I had a boyfriend and after he said "shut the fuck up"(you're joking context) he apologized for saying the word fag but I shrugged it off saying I get what he was trying to say.

    We get along pretty good and openly talk about our past relationships, sex, etc. Once in a blue he randomly mentions that it's cool that im gay but im not a faggot.

    I just think of it as breaking stereotypes so I don't get offended. So i'm curious to know how everyone's experience was with this type of context.

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    Apr 07, 2013 2:00 PM GMT
    I just kinda explained it myself in my previous post:
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3123640

    Some observant people might spot me as gay b/c of my hand movements but also a lot of people could not believe I was gay. I do have some of the gay stereotypes but there are a lot of me who doesn't fit the stereotype.

    I think it's good to see there are gay men who don't fit the stereotype without bashing those who do.
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:06 PM GMT
    8907ed said... I think it's good to see there are gay men who don't fit the stereotype without bashing those who do.
    +1
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:17 PM GMT
    8907ed saidI just kinda explained it myself in my previous post:
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3123640

    Some observant people might spot me as gay b/c of my hand movements but also a lot of people could not believe I was gay. I do have some of the gay stereotypes but there are a lot of me who doesn't fit the stereotype.

    I think it's good to see there are gay men who don't fit the stereotype without bashing those who do.


    Yes live and let live
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:24 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidOf course he might have said "it's cool that you're a black guy but you're no nigger"

    Would that be okay too?


    Sure. i've been told that plenty of times already lol
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:30 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidOf course he might have said "it's cool that you're a black guy but you're no nigger"

    Would that be okay too?

    It took a few generations to get to the point where it's not OK for Whites to say that in the US, and then not everywhere yet. It's a little early to expect the same regarding gay hate words. Ask that question again when the 2 of us are nearing 100.

    (And I'm gonna pinch the first guy who says: "So then we'll know next week?")
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:41 PM GMT
    I think you blew an opportunity to take the word faggot out of his vocabulary. Unless his beef has something to do with his neighbor's sexual orientation you could have suggested that he use the word asshole. You had the balls to tell him you were gay, then you should of had the balls to tell him you are uncomfortable with that word and his use considering it doesn't really fit the crime. But this only works if your are truly offended by the use of the word in the context he apparently still uses. I wonder who else he calls faggot. Do you?
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:45 PM GMT
    Just what did that man mean when he said fag, tmac?

    What is the difference between gay and fag, other than fag being
    a derogatory description of gay? icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:50 PM GMT
    dudewithabeard saidI think you blew an opportunity to take the word faggot out of his vocabulary. Unless his beef has something to do with his neighbor's sexual orientation you could have suggested that he use the word asshole. You had the balls to tell him you were gay, then you should of had the balls to tell him you are uncomfortable with that word and his use considering it doesn't really fit the crime. But this only works if your are truly offended by the use of the word in the context he apparently still uses. I wonder who else he calls faggot. Do you?


    I'm not uncomfortable that's why I just shrugged it off.

    meninlove-I think that's the only definition lol
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    Apr 07, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    tmac said
    dudewithabeard saidI think you blew an opportunity to take the word faggot out of his vocabulary. Unless his beef has something to do with his neighbor's sexual orientation you could have suggested that he use the word asshole. You had the balls to tell him you were gay, then you should of had the balls to tell him you are uncomfortable with that word and his use considering it doesn't really fit the crime. But this only works if your are truly offended by the use of the word in the context he apparently still uses. I wonder who else he calls faggot. Do you?


    I'm not uncomfortable that's why I just shrugged it off.

    meninlove-I think that's the only definition lol


    Then I would have called him on it by saying, "I'm a fag. Is that a problem?" along with a wink.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Apr 07, 2013 2:55 PM GMT
    He's a bigot.

    Wait till he has a beef of some sort with you.

    Then he'll be calling you a f****t.

    Probably calling you a a n*****r, too.
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:11 PM GMT
    monet saidHe's a bigot.

    Wait till he has a beef of some sort with you.

    Then he'll be calling you a f****t.

    Probably calling you a a n*****r, too.
    '

    I wouldn't call him a bigot. but I wouldn't be surprised if he were to say something like that should we ever have beef. That's what people do insult each other. As long as he doesn't put his hands on me, he can say whatever he wants

    meninlove- The first time he said that and I told him I had a boyfriend I said " technically that makes me a fag too BUT you can't hate me until I give you a reason to lol"

    but yeah I just found it interesting. It does remind me a lot about someone saying "you're not a typical black dude who acts like a n***er" and although not the best choice of words, after awhile I just learned not to take offense to it
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Apr 07, 2013 3:19 PM GMT
    in that context it didn't even seem like he was talking about homosexuality lol.

    gay = bad, disgusting.
    fag = annoying person
    negro = friend
    nigger = annoying, hateful person

    anyways i try not to get emotionally upset or sensitive if somebody calls me the f word even if they are *trying* to be cruel. what i find interesting though is that all the times somebody has tried to, on purpose, use that language in a way intended to make me feel bad about myself (ie true emotional abuse)... the perpetrator was actually a woman.

    the stereotype that women are always fag hag friendly "compassionate" and gentle souls should be challenged lol.
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    thegaymessiah said

    the stereotype that women are always fag hag friendly "compassionate" and gentle souls should be challenged lol.


    I agree completely... Women are not always as gay-friendly as they are perceived to be.
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:49 PM GMT
    Among the questions you could ask in response to "I hate X, he's a f*g" is:

    "If X were straight, what word would you use to express your displeasure of him? If it's the same word, "f*g", then your homophobia is showing. If it's a different word, then why would you change that word just because of his perceived orientation?"

    A similar line of questioning applies for people who use b*tch, n*gger, sp*c, k*ke, etc. "There are good women, Black people, Latinos, and Jews.. then there's THESE people we don't like." Or, "Oh, I call all people I don't like these things. Equal opportunity!"

    Forcing him to think critically about why he consciously or subconsciously selects that particular usage when he is displeased can be transformative.

    Words can be offensive without necessarily offending every single individual on the planet. That you bring these incidents to a larger audience's attention may suggest that even if they don't "bother" you, you do see where they could be detrimental in the long term to your colleague, or to someone else he directs those words to. You're more empowered to help him transform rather than the larger community around the globe.

    I guarantee you, right now, as he's preparing to copy his resumes, Mike Rice wishes someone had stepped in a long time ago with something other than a "sticks and stones" address to his cavalier word usage coupled with his arguably-felonious actions.

    While he (the boss' son) is not in a position of direct power and influence over you, don't discount how the relationship you hold with people affects your reaction to their use of epithets. Your relationship to his father may be impacting your desire to illustrate what your friend is doing wrong.

    Unimpeded, or at worst, encouraged, your boss' son may carry that word into the wrong business meeting, or to the wrong client, that threatens to bring down the venture his father worked to uphold... and suddenly, YOU will become his shield when the arrows sling his way. "But, but, I have gay friends! I say it around Tmac all the time, and he never has a problem with it!" Or he takes it into his home, and contorts the context to suit his parental objectives at the expense of his children: "stop being a f*g and eat your vegetables!"

    The odor of dogcrap may not particularly bother you much. It may not even be noticed by someone who has it all over their shoe. But when they do, you call it to their attention... lest they walk away and track it onto someone else. This isn't terribly different.
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:49 PM GMT
    thegaymessiah saidin that context it didn't even seem like he was talking about homosexuality lol.

    gay = bad, disgusting.
    fag = annoying person
    negro = friend
    nigger = annoying, hateful person


    ROTFL...lol ....lol....lol....

    I'd love to have the pleasure of Tazing your English Teacher !!

    hooked_on_phonics_logo.gif
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    Apr 07, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    Aristoshark saidOf course he might have said "it's cool that you're a black guy but you're no nigger"

    Would that be okay too?

    It took a few generations to get to the point where it's not OK for Whites to say that in the US, and then not everywhere yet. It's a little early to expect the same regarding gay hate words. Ask that question again when the 2 of us are nearing 100.

    (And I'm gonna pinch the first guy who says: "So then we'll know next week?")


    Consider me pinched!!icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 07, 2013 4:01 PM GMT
    It's nice to see others who find the f word the equivalent of the n word. I use neither, though I am embarrassed to admit that I have in the past.
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    Apr 07, 2013 4:09 PM GMT
    dudewithabeard saidI think you blew an opportunity to take the word faggot out of his vocabulary. Unless his beef has something to do with his neighbor's sexual orientation you could have suggested that he use the word asshole.


    Sometimes it's best to keep things on a level playing field. Sure, he could have easily told him off about using the word "faggot", but that would make him look superior and no doubt create defensiveness with the other guy. Plus, telling a person what words they're allowed to use is never a good idea. It's not our job to be the world's censor. I think he was embarrassed plenty just by realizing he said the word in front of a gay man. Because he restrained himself, it looks like they are getting along pretty well and Tmac is now in the ultimate position anyone can hope for....to actually be a homophobic guy's first gay friend! You can't ask for better than that.
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Apr 07, 2013 4:11 PM GMT
    Shawnathan said
    This goes along with the premise that masculine gays are better and deserve more respect than feminine gays. It is obviously moose shit.


    +1 I hate it when straight people talk like that. Also reminds me of when people ask "Who is the woman in the relationship?" I hate that sort of attitude
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    Apr 07, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    AwkwardAodhan said
    Shawnathan said
    This goes along with the premise that masculine gays are better and deserve more respect than feminine gays. It is obviously moose shit.


    +1 I hate it when straight people talk like that. Also reminds me of when people ask "Who is the woman in the relationship?" I hate that sort of attitude



    I can honestly say I've never seen a straight person who was turned off by a gay man's femininity. It seems that 9 times out of 10, it's the feminine guy who exhibits the bitchy attitude. I'm not even sure the straight people comprehend what's repulsing them about it, but that's the only occasion I've seen that happen. If they have limited exposure to gay men, they can easily think all gay men are fem AND bitchy. And considering the way we're portrayed on TV, it's not entirely their fault.
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Apr 07, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    dudewithabeard saidI think you blew an opportunity to take the word faggot out of his vocabulary. Unless his beef has something to do with his neighbor's sexual orientation you could have suggested that he use the word asshole.


    Sometimes it's best to keep things on a level playing field. Sure, he could have easily told him off about using the word "faggot", but that would make him look superior and no doubt create defensiveness with the other guy. Plus, telling a person what words they're allowed to use is never a good idea. It's not our job to be the world's censor. I think he was embarrassed plenty just by realizing he said the word in front of a gay man. Because he restrained himself, it looks like they are getting along pretty well and Tmac is now in the ultimate position anyone can hope for....to actually be a homophobic guy's first gay friend! You can't ask for better than that.



    I actually agree that OP makes a more compelling argument in the mind of the offender by acting as he did.

    Also, while I believe that people should strive to eliminate their bigoted beliefs, I think the offended should keep in mind that all people are prejudiced in certain parts of their lives. By keeping that perspective it is easier to combat bigotry.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 07, 2013 5:05 PM GMT
    I would comment on the usage of the word fag ... but I wouldn't want to be accused of being a drama queen icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 07, 2013 5:06 PM GMT
    When he says faggot he's probably just thinking of effeminate gays.

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    Apr 07, 2013 5:07 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    AwkwardAodhan said
    Shawnathan said
    This goes along with the premise that masculine gays are better and deserve more respect than feminine gays. It is obviously moose shit.


    +1 I hate it when straight people talk like that. Also reminds me of when people ask "Who is the woman in the relationship?" I hate that sort of attitude



    I can honestly say I've never seen a straight person who was turned off by a gay man's femininity. It seems that 9 times out of 10, it's the feminine guy who exhibits the bitchy attitude. I'm not even sure the straight people comprehend what's repulsing them about it, but that's the only occasion I've seen that happen. If they have limited exposure to gay men, they can easily think all gay men are fem AND bitchy. And considering the way we're portrayed on TV, it's not entirely their fault.


    Are you SERIOUS? It's almost always the opposite. A more feminine gay man, being called a "Faggot" or whatever when in a situation where straight men are around.
    Ask yourself this: Why would a fem gay man, need to be "bitchy" as you put it, if they weren't getting starred at, hearing whispering remarks and feel threatened.
    I mean come on! I myself am guilty of it. When a group of fem guys walk in a bar. I think or whisper to my friends, "wow, the queens have arrived"

    And YES, they do know what they are repulsed by: The fact that you like sucking penis, that you take it like a "god forbid" WOMAN (Lesser than a male in their mind), and what's worse you have a fucking lisp, and limp wrist! They know why they're repulsed! I don't know where you live but I've traveled around the entire country, and I can say, that it is 2 out of 10 that it is the fem person randomly being as you call it "bitchy"