Sexual attraction not being there...

  • paduk

    Posts: 58

    Apr 07, 2013 11:07 PM GMT
    Hello,
    Just need a bit of help on this.
    I have met this guy on internet and we have been out on three dates. I can see that he is an amazing guy, kind, intelligent, no fear of showing his vulnerabilities; basically he has lots of the qualities I look for in a boyfriend, fact is, I am not physically attracted to him.
    I was hoping to be able to change this somehow but so far I am still not attracted to him sexually.
    He invited me back to his place and I said I wanted to go back home without adding anything else.
    He said then why don't we meet up in a couple of days and I said it sounded like a good idea.
    I don't know how to deal with this situation: maybe I should explore it but at the same time I don't want to mess things around.
    Any suggestions?
    Thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 12:02 AM GMT
    Well you can't have a romantic relationship without attraction to someone.

    Sounds like you were placing less importance on physical attraction at first, hoping the emotional attraction would begin to affect the physical portion.

    That's very possible- Often it seems people without a physical attraction will develop one based on their emotional connections- I believe it's hard to tell however because often gay men don't want to spend the time to find out wether or not there is a true attraction, and simply look onward for physical first, emotional later.

    So, you be the judge!

    Why not hang out a few more time, take it slow, then see how you feel!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 12:27 AM GMT
    sounds like a friend...

    i find this is a problem with online dating... i cant smell the guy first....

    so much is conveyed when you see someone live.. eye movement, scent, voice,,, posture..

    off the computer, you have some stats and a story...
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Apr 08, 2013 3:17 AM GMT
    Tell him. Not telling him is misleading.
    Sexual chemistry cannot be explained and needs no excuse. It is what it is.
    You cannot hope to feel something later. That's absurd and will lead to heartbreak.
    You will hurt him, and it's unintentional and unavoidable. Waiting makes it worse. Much worse.
    Man up, tell him everything you like, but be clear - the chemistry just isn't there for you.
    IF after time you are social friends be VERY careful with your familiarity and affection. You must be mindful of his heart, which is hoping for any small sign, and so you have to stay at arm's length.
    You did a great
  • wcubrad23

    Posts: 37

    Apr 08, 2013 3:18 AM GMT
    FlyinBrian saidI believe it's hard to tell however because often gay men don't want to spend the time to find out wether or not there is a true attraction, and simply look onward for physical first, emotional later.


    Ain't that the truth.

    In the gay world, you either hookup or you are a good friend. Pick your poison. This whole idea of trying to get to know someone and see where it leads doesn't happen in the gay world LOL. It's all about busting a nut. Relationships are defined by how often you screw the same person. Forget emotions, forget trying to get to know each other. You either hookup or you are just a friend. Good luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 3:26 AM GMT
    I think it's not exactly accurate to say that all gay relationships are just based on sex. I have happened to meet quite a few gay couples that have been together or upwards of 30 years and many of them didn't have sex for the first few months of dating. I think the problem is we only see the ones who are sex driven because they usually are the loudest and most obnoxious but the truth is that there are plenty of gay people who want a real connection.


    Back to the topic at hand I would give it two more times. If you still feel nothing then you have a really good friend you can hang out with. You can never have too many friends. Unfortunately sex is part of a healthy relationship and you can't force attraction.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 3:30 AM GMT
    wcubrad23 said
    Ain't that the truth.

    In the gay world, you either hookup or you are a good friend. Pick your poison. This whole idea of trying to get to know someone and see where it leads doesn't happen in the gay world LOL. It's all about busting a nut. Relationships are defined by how often you screw the same person. Forget emotions, forget trying to get to know each other. You either hookup or you are just a friend. Good luck.


    You know, and this is completely biased since the only information on the gay world I've really accessed is this site, but just from the forums what you say seems to be the truth, mostly from two things that I've noticed that have been a recurrence on RJ forums.

    1.) Much like this thread, often people will say they prefer a nice guy over a hot guy who is an ass, but then they find someone who is a nice guy and so often they aren't physically attracted to the person.

    2.) One of the most common advice I've read when it comes to a LTR is that people who have had or are in a LTR are either in open relationships or had only the intention of hooking up and then it somehow managed to develop into more.
    It wasn't an uncommon suggestion for someone to just try hooking up because 'you never know' what it could turn into.

    So it makes sense that the 2 major pools just seem to be 'hook ups' or 'just friends' because maybe the old traditional sense of relationships and romance just aren't fitting into today's society in the gay world of men.
    Not completely, but almost all LTR I've seen on this website have been from people who are in open relationships or first were looking for a hook up and per chance found something more.

    I guess settling down and committing to 1 person fully with that intention from the get go just isn't the thing to do anymore.
    Not that I'm saying you propose from date 1, but generally I always thought that the point of dating was to see how feasible you would be together as a couple. Nowadays, it seems like you hook up and if there is a physical spark, then you worry about personality after.
    If I were looking, this would totally suck for me.
    Thankfully I'm not or will anytime soon lol not that it's such a loss.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 3:32 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidTell him. Not telling him is misleading.
    Sexual chemistry cannot be explained and needs no excuse. It is what it is.
    You cannot hope to feel something later. That's absurd and will lead to heartbreak.
    You will hurt him, and it's unintentional and unavoidable. Waiting makes it worse. Much worse.
    Man up, tell him everything you like, but be clear - the chemistry just isn't there for you.
    IF after time you are social friends be VERY careful with your familiarity and affection. You must be mindful of his heart, which is hoping for any small sign, and so you have to stay at arm's length.
    You did a great


    I think this is a good approach.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 3:43 AM GMT
    This happened to me with the last guy I was seeing. Like you, we met online, texted each other back and forth everyday, and went on a few dates. The guy I was seeing had a lot of qualities I liked in a guy: great sense of humor, very easy to talk to, and always down to do anything, but I wasn't physically attracted to him. I thought we could go on a few dates and something would spark, but it didn't.

    Long story short: this guy was great on paper, but there was no physical chemistry. You can't force chemistry BUT I do believe in developing chemistry, because in ANY relationship you have to put in time. The question is, do you want to? I didn't, but I wish I kept him around as a friend. Good luck to you.
  • wcubrad23

    Posts: 37

    Apr 08, 2013 3:49 AM GMT
    NerdMonastery said
    wcubrad23 said
    Ain't that the truth.

    In the gay world, you either hookup or you are a good friend. Pick your poison. This whole idea of trying to get to know someone and see where it leads doesn't happen in the gay world LOL. It's all about busting a nut. Relationships are defined by how often you screw the same person. Forget emotions, forget trying to get to know each other. You either hookup or you are just a friend. Good luck.


    You know, and this is completely biased since the only information on the gay world I've really accessed is this site, but just from the forums what you say seems to be the truth, mostly from two things that I've noticed that have been a recurrence on RJ forums.

    1.) Much like this thread, often people will say they prefer a nice guy over a hot guy who is an ass, but then they find someone who is a nice guy and so often they aren't physically attracted to the person.

    2.) One of the most common advice I've read when it comes to LTR is that people who have had or are in an LTR are either in open relationships or had only the intention of hooking up and then it somehow managed to develop into more.
    It wasn't an uncommon suggestion for someone to just try hooking up because 'you never know' what it could turn into.

    So it makes sense that the 2 major pools just seem to be hook ups or just friends because maybe the old traditional sense of relationships and romance just aren't fitting into the gay world of men.
    Not completely, but almost all LTR I've seen on this website have been from people who are in open relationships.

    I guess settling down and committing to 1 person fully just isn't the thing to do anymore.
    If I were looking, this would totally suck for me.
    Thankfully I'm not or will anytime soon.


    I have found some guys to be physically attractive in appearance (attractive faces, fit bodies, great posture) but have also found myself NOT feeling any sexual attraction to them. And a lot of times we click, they have great personalities, and I have a desire to kiss them. Problem is the sexual attraction is weak. In that situation what I found is that you can build a strong emotional attraction to them which enhances the sexual over time. It has happened to me a couple times. Not a huge desire to get down and dirty in the beginning but it blossomed over time.
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Apr 08, 2013 3:53 AM GMT
    Yeah umm bye. That's about all you can do.
  • nomad4life

    Posts: 332

    Apr 08, 2013 4:06 AM GMT
    I have tried so many times to date a guy for personality. The most recent one actually was my boyfriend for a good while simply because he was perfect in every single way except for that flabby gut and those crease lines around his mouth. But I figured you can't have everything so I decided to settle for the kind guy who liked to treat me, whom all my friends and parents loved, who dropped everything and rushed to the hospital to see me, who bought me flowers and came to all my performances, whom I never fought with, who shared almost everything in common with me but enough difference to spice it up. We recently broke up for unrelated reasons but after looking back I can safely say the sexual attraction just wasn't there and it was never going to be there. (I recently took on a vow of selfishness, saying I'm done being the nice guy who dates all the fatties and twinks.)

    My point is, the relationship will be good while it lasts, but it won't be great. And WHEN you two break up, you'll look back and wonder if it was a waste. It's admirable you want to focus on emotional connection, but that'll never get you 100% of the way there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 4:08 AM GMT
    wcubrad23 said
    I have found some guys to be physically attractive in appearance (attractive faces, fit bodies, great posture) but have also found myself NOT feeling any sexual attraction to them. And a lot of times we click, they have great personalities, and I have a desire to kiss them. Problem is the sexual attraction is weak. In that situation what I found is that you can build a strong emotional attraction to them which enhances the sexual over time. It has happened to me a couple times. Not a huge desire to get down and dirty in the beginning but it blossomed over time.


    I agree, again biased because I feel in some ways I'm the same.
    I have found that if I really like someone's personality, their physical appearance to me seems much more attractive than perhaps what I might have thought just simply out of first sight.

    Not that this particular experience has ever happened to me in either roles of the story, but I don't know if I'm a contributor to this way.
    My rule of thumb if ever I was interested in someone is to always just be friends first only because I'm an avid believer that people do put their 'best face' forward first and it's only with time they let their true selves be seen.
    If after seeing that I'm still interested, then and only then would I ever consider dating the person so on and so forth.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 4:11 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidTell him. Not telling him is misleading.
    Sexual chemistry cannot be explained and needs no excuse. It is what it is.
    You cannot hope to feel something later. That's absurd and will lead to heartbreak.
    You will hurt him, and it's unintentional and unavoidable. Waiting makes it worse. Much worse.
    Man up, tell him everything you like, but be clear - the chemistry just isn't there for you.
    IF after time you are social friends be VERY careful with your familiarity and affection. You must be mindful of his heart, which is hoping for any small sign, and so you have to stay at arm's length.


    ..and to back this I'll ask the OP; wouldn't you want to know right away? icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 4:20 AM GMT
    wcubrad23 saidIn the gay world, you either hookup or you are a good friend. Pick your poison. This whole idea of trying to get to know someone and see where it leads doesn't happen in the gay world LOL. It's all about busting a nut. Relationships are defined by how often you screw the same person. Forget emotions, forget trying to get to know each other. You either hookup or you are just a friend. Good luck.

    Oh this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! If this is your approach, you'll enjoy being single and unhappy for a very long time.

    Emotions are very important in any relationship. Relationships are not defined by getting laid, they're defined by how well you enjoy being with someone and what they do to excite you (physically and emotionally)! What you seem to have missed in learning about relationships is 'dating'. It's an old fashion concept of going out with someone (like the OP did) to determine if you do get excited. It doesn't mean getting laid or hooking up but might lead to dating more, becoming friends or never seeing the person again. I suggest you give it a try.

    As for the OP, be honest with the guy. Tell him you enjoyed the dates but you're just not feeling it with him. It happens and you've certainly given this guy a chance by dating him more than one time.

    Good luck.
  • wcubrad23

    Posts: 37

    Apr 08, 2013 4:25 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    MuscleComeBack saidTell him. Not telling him is misleading.
    Sexual chemistry cannot be explained and needs no excuse. It is what it is.
    You cannot hope to feel something later. That's absurd and will lead to heartbreak.
    You will hurt him, and it's unintentional and unavoidable. Waiting makes it worse. Much worse.
    Man up, tell him everything you like, but be clear - the chemistry just isn't there for you.
    IF after time you are social friends be VERY careful with your familiarity and affection. You must be mindful of his heart, which is hoping for any small sign, and so you have to stay at arm's length.


    ..and to back this I'll ask the OP; wouldn't you want to know right away? icon_wink.gif


    I think there is a spectrum of high to low intensity sexual attraction. Certain types of guys will get you incredibly horny without any emotional connection involved. You just want to fuck and that's it. I tend to "fall" for or "crush" on guys who would be in the middle to low-middle of my sexual attraction intensity spectrum. The low-to middle for me tends to have more of this desire to make out and take things slow. I get turned on a little bit differently with these types. It is this mix of emotional/affectionate that turns me on and makes me want to be with this same person consistently.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 4:27 AM GMT
    wcubrad23 said
    meninlove said
    MuscleComeBack saidTell him. Not telling him is misleading.
    Sexual chemistry cannot be explained and needs no excuse. It is what it is.
    You cannot hope to feel something later. That's absurd and will lead to heartbreak.
    You will hurt him, and it's unintentional and unavoidable. Waiting makes it worse. Much worse.
    Man up, tell him everything you like, but be clear - the chemistry just isn't there for you.
    IF after time you are social friends be VERY careful with your familiarity and affection. You must be mindful of his heart, which is hoping for any small sign, and so you have to stay at arm's length.


    ..and to back this I'll ask the OP; wouldn't you want to know right away? icon_wink.gif


    I think there is a spectrum of high to low intensity sexual attraction. Certain types of guys will get you incredibly horny without any emotional connection involved. You just want to fuck and that's it. I tend to "fall" for or "crush" on guys who would be in the middle to low-middle of my sexual attraction intensity spectrum. The low-to middle for me tends to have more of this desire to make out and take things slow. I get turned on a little bit differently with these types. It is this mix of emotional/affectionate that turns me on and makes me want to be with this same person consistently.


    That's quite the self analysis!
    *impressed*

    -Doug
  • 1blind_dog

    Posts: 377

    Apr 08, 2013 4:35 AM GMT
    Without already being friends with a guy that develops into more, it can be difficult to have a relationship initially based on things deeper than physical attraction. I've tried dating a guy for a month before that I met online and eventually had to tell him that I tried to give it a chance but just wasn't feeling the chemistry.

    I just had a first date yesterday with a guy I've been talking to online for 4 months. Luckily it was a great experience. The physical and deeper attractions were there and I can't wait to see him again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 4:36 AM GMT
    wcubrad23 said
    FlyinBrian saidI believe it's hard to tell however because often gay men don't want to spend the time to find out wether or not there is a true attraction, and simply look onward for physical first, emotional later.


    Ain't that the truth.

    In the gay world, you either hookup or you are a good friend. Pick your poison. This whole idea of trying to get to know someone and see where it leads doesn't happen in the gay world LOL. It's all about busting a nut. [b][size=16]Relationships are defined by how often you screw the same person[/size]. [/b]Forget emotions, forget trying to get to know each other. You either hookup or you are just a friend. Good luck.



    LOL!!! sad but...OH so accurate.

  • wcubrad23

    Posts: 37

    Apr 08, 2013 4:44 AM GMT
    eb925guy said
    wcubrad23 saidIn the gay world, you either hookup or you are a good friend. Pick your poison. This whole idea of trying to get to know someone and see where it leads doesn't happen in the gay world LOL. It's all about busting a nut. Relationships are defined by how often you screw the same person. Forget emotions, forget trying to get to know each other. You either hookup or you are just a friend. Good luck.

    Oh this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! If this is your approach, you'll enjoy being single and unhappy for a very long time.

    Emotions are very important in any relationship. Relationships are not defined by getting laid, they're defined by how well you enjoy being with someone and what they do to excite you (physically and emotionally)! What you seem to have missed in learning about relationships is 'dating'. It's an old fashion concept of going out with someone (like the OP did) to determine if you do get excited. It doesn't mean getting laid or hooking up but might lead to dating more, becoming friends or never seeing the person again. I suggest you give it a try.

    As for the OP, be honest with the guy. Tell him you enjoyed the dates but you're just not feeling it with him. It happens and you've certainly given this guy a chance by dating him more than one time.

    Good luck.


    It's the sad truth for the under 30 crowd. I even mentioned there were a couple guys where I connected with who do not rank high on my HOTNESS scale yet I found myself wanting to make out with them/ be with them/date them. Their bodies were average. Nothing exciting, yet there was this attraction to them that I can't simply describe. It was more than some primitive bust of the nut with a hot muscular guy. It's a type of physical attraction that's very abstract and seems to build with time the more you date. Unfortunately, many guys don't have time for that. Yet they wonder why their relationships don't last.

    I have found that relationships in the under 30 gay world is built on consistent fuck buddies. They screw and go back to acting like platonic friends... then they label that a "relationship." Those last maybe 3 months tops. No dating, no emotions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 5:50 AM GMT
    wcubrad23 said
    It's the sad truth for the under 30 crowd. I even mentioned there were a couple guys where I connected with who do not rank high on my HOTNESS scale yet I found myself wanting to make out with them/ be with them/date them. Their bodies were average. Nothing exciting, yet there was this attraction to them that I can't simply describe. It was more than some primitive bust of the nut with a hot muscular guy. It's a type of physical attraction that's very abstract and seems to build with time the more you date. Unfortunately, many guys don't have time for that. Yet they wonder why their relationships don't last.

    I have found that relationships in the under 30 gay world is built on consistent fuck buddies. They screw and go back to acting like platonic friends... then they label that a "relationship." Those last maybe 3 months tops. No dating, no emotions.


    This is cray and I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who noticed this kind of a pattern.
    Again I'm not saying this is the exact description of that entire demographic, but it seems so much more of a prevalent thing now in this generation hence why I was saying that most relationships that seemed to have been long term were ones where they weren't specifically committed to just one person but were open relationships.

    I also think I'm similar to you in what I found attractive. If I saw someone who was physically very attractive, my thoughts were just that. They are very attractive, but I didn't particularly feel any push to want to get to really know them just because they were hot.
    I have found that the people who I've really been intrigued by would be classified as "average", as least I suppose in comparison to the standards of this site.

    I don't know if it's because I'm just too different in a bad way, but back when I'd let my thoughts run wild I found that I would fantasize a lot about settling down with someone rather than hooking up with someone.

    Anway lol I think I've posted too much in this thread I'm going to leave it alone now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2013 6:42 AM GMT
    Sometimes you just have to listen to your dick. Yep I said it, it sounds harsh or whatever but I mean, if you like the guy and he turns you on. You will be hard. I definitely dated men who seem to be *Good* on papers but they kinda don't turn me on in the bedroom. They were either boring, too tame, too predictable or I just feel the plain old *Friends vibes. Maybe this is why I am still single.

    I am probably a freak for saying this but I want a man who can freaking make fireworks with me in the bedroom, adventurous, hot and not be afraid and most of all UNPREDICTABLE. If you just feel the *Friends vibes, you're prob. not attracted to them. Move on, let them down easily.


  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Apr 08, 2013 7:59 AM GMT
    Tell him the truth and try to keep him around as a friend if that is possible. It probably is if he's still coming round without gettin any.

    Have you ever fallen out of love with someone, for whatever reason, and suddenly no longer found them physically attractive either? The same thing can happen in reverse over time. ...you come to admire / love them..they change their appearance / attitude...they have a fling and become more sexually viable in your eyes...get a fashion sense...get in shape...or just demonstrate over time some non physical qualities that turn you on.

    I speak from experience about my second lover. We got along great but there was less than zero sexual chemistry..on my part; but not his. But I was upfront about it. I liked having him around so I hired him for odd jobs around the house and we'd hang out when I was off work. Either he or I would always come up with a new project that would keep him around a little longer. After a year he was sleeping on my living room sofa most nights, and all the while I was upfront about being out dating.

    Finally the time came when there were no more projects and he had work and family calling on the other side of the state. Our remaining time was limited and counting down. I started imagining life without him. I started looking at him differently,....he's actually a good looking man. What turned me off initially? He was scrawny with hippy hair. Well the hair came off once summer arrived and working outdoors. He looked good with a tan and I put 40 lbs on him, which he carried well.

    I'm not suggesting this commonly happens, but I suddenly wanted him after all that time, and I wanted him bad. i told him I wanted him in my bed that night. Then I begged him to cancel those other commitments and stay with me....that I loved him without reservation. Sex that night was sacramental, and remained that way. We would both do anything to please the other and it was the most satisfying sexual relationship I've had with any lover.

    Of course this is hard to do in a typical dating scene. It's only fair to be honest and cut him loose. But compatible gay friendships are hard to come by, and worth it if it doesn't hurt him too bad to be around you after the rejection. I'd give him the option though...encourage it even.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Apr 08, 2013 8:27 AM GMT
    Oh this thread. Glad to see I'm not the only one who's screwed in the head when it comes to falling for all the wrong dudes.

    To the OP: please set this "amazing, kind, intelligent, no fear of showing his vulnerabilities" catch free. Sounds like you know he deserves someone who finds him attractive. It's unfortunate that it's not you, which seems to be why you're hesitating, but that's just how we are. For some reason, we manage to find mean, ignorant, emotionally closed guys attractive. Why is that?
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Apr 08, 2013 10:36 AM GMT
    stacked312 saidThis was me a few months back, and quite a 1st experience! Everything was good on paper, but zero attraction. I tried giving a few months for some development, but nada.

    I truly believe u can't make yourself like someone, u just know. It's gotta be natural. When I grew the balls to bust his, it wasn't too pretty. The guy really fell for me. But I knew I had to finally do it, or I'd lead him to nowhere. Ideally, I'd def wanted to be friends, but dude wasn't having it.

    Good luck.


    NOTE: he wasn't having it because you took 'a few months'
    I'm sorry to be blunt but if you kiss and your dick doesn't twitch and turn to steel then stop right there. It is CRUEL to go beyond that point. It is a romantic myth to think 'Something will grow'
    Bull fucking shit.
    I can hang with someone who doesn't leave me hanging, but a heart is NOT a toy.
    Own up to what excites you on all levels. Everybody compromises in small ways, but if there's no response in your dick - move on.