What's a guy to do?

  • tanlines

    Posts: 173

    Apr 12, 2013 2:50 AM GMT
    Maybe you guys can help me out...
    I'm a 40 something DL guy, divorced with kids. How do I go about meeting guys for friends or possibly more? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but believe me, I never thought it would be as difficult as it has been. I have met a few guys on Grindr, but they just haven't panned out. Plus all the guys over 20 are all so busy! I know that I am hindering myself because of the DL thing....but because of my kids that is the option that I have chosen. Any suggestions?
  • fLiP21

    Posts: 48

    Apr 12, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    Hey tanlines, depending on where you live, it might be easier/harder to meet other gay men. All I can say in regards to grindr is that you shouldn't expect anything much from it. I have been lucky to actually meet a genuine guy on there, but most aren't what I assume you would be looking for. Try getting involved in your local lgbt organizations, groups, etc.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Apr 12, 2013 3:29 AM GMT
    Your in a difficult situation, you are right, the DL thing doesn't help and will make it harder. Mainly because most guys who are out, don't want to bother with guys who are still in the closet, we've been in the closet once, we don't want to go back.

    Anyways, the best ways I can think of probably would have a greater failure rate than success, unless you're just looking for sex; growlr or the other gay-men's apps, or gay clubs... I met my boyfriend off of Growlr, so it's not impossible that you can meet a good guy off of those apps.

    Maybe join a group, there are tons of gay men's groups guided towards interest, like sports, motorcycles and so on.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2013 4:01 AM GMT
    http://gay-guide.com/

    I did a little search for you and found that site. Not to familiar with it, but it can be a start.

    While it is true that being closeted does give you less options in general, it doesn't necessarily box you in. You are going to have to "promote" yourself, so to speak. I also would suggest that you keep reaching out to some of the real jockers in your area as a resource as well. Figure out what it is that you are looking for: a crew of about 4 or 5 guys to pal around with, maybe a couple of them in the same boat as you being a dad to help you navigate that path.

    Also, keep in mind about the sites you are using to find these men. Grindr, Adam4Adam, others, hell even Real Jock, have some wonderful guys that are on them, but just be wary of the more vocal assholes who would try to undo you. Good luck to you on your journey. :-)
  • tanlines

    Posts: 173

    Apr 12, 2013 11:03 AM GMT
    I'm getting some good feedback and suggestions, but keep in mind that joining a lgbt group or going to a gay mens meeting doesn't work to well for a DL guy. I am just surprised how hard it is to find guys to "pal around with" as one of you suggested. It seems that the few guys I have met (guys in their 30's to 40's) are so busy with their own lives (or own circle of friends) that they just don't have time to "pal around". Making friends at 40 is definitely harder than it was in high school! Lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2013 11:53 AM GMT
    When you choose a life on the DL you are the one limiting your choices. You really can't blame how hard it is to meet other men who meet your super tight demands when they include DL. Try coming out and that should change everything, plus you won't have to keep worrying about anyone finding out about your secret.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Apr 12, 2013 2:16 PM GMT
    I've been exactly where you are. Afraid to risk my career (or more specifically my paycheck) before the kids were out of college and my responsibilities there complete. Try finding a guy out of town that you can develop a relationship with and occasionally meet up with. You can explore your gay side in other cities. I think in the end you'll discover that the only real solution is to take a chance and come out, starting with your kids. And I'd recommend sooner rather than later. I can't tell you how easy it actually was for me after years and years of closeted fear. Times are changing for the good, my friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2013 8:26 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI've been exactly where you are. Afraid to risk my career (or more specifically my paycheck) before the kids were out of college and my responsibilities there complete. Try finding a guy out of town that you can develop a relationship with and occasionally meet up with. You can explore your gay side in other cities. I think in the end you'll discover that the only real solution is to take a chance and come out, starting with your kids. And I'd recommend sooner rather than later. I can't tell you how easy it actually was for me after years and years of closeted fear. Times are changing for the good, my friend.


    You must work for some real assholes. It must be awful for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2013 8:30 PM GMT
    tanlines saidMaybe you guys can help me out...
    I'm a 40 something DL guy, divorced with kids. How do I go about meeting guys for friends or possibly more? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but believe me, I never thought it would be as difficult as it has been. I have met a few guys on Grindr, but they just haven't panned out. Plus all the guys over 20 are all so busy! I know that I am hindering myself because of the DL thing....but because of my kids that is the option that I have chosen. Any suggestions?


    As they say: OMG, grow a pair. How old you say you are? Fucking 40? And, dishonest / down low / scum? Come on. It's 2013. It's not 1950. Lead, instead of being a coward.

    I pre block faceless, and closet cases. I have nothing to do with them. Way too much baggage.

    Like yourself first...which you don't, and the rest will follow.

    You'll find once you let the light shine in, life gets MUCH brighter and you also do yourself, and those like you a service, by showing them that it's o.k. to be gay, and that's you're not a sneaky snake at 40 and that you're comfortable in your own skin, and that you can LEAD rather than be a quivering coward.

    No one gives a rat's tiny behind who you jerk off too. You simply aren't that important. Get the fuck over it. You're gay. Big deal. Get on with your life. You're 40. Act like a man instead of a 12 year old coward.

    Wanna meet real gay people? Join a real gay club. Go to a real gay bar. Join a real gay sports league. Join match.com.

    Show your face. Get on with your life.
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Apr 13, 2013 7:00 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    tanlines said
    As they say: OMG, grow a pair. How old you say you are? Fucking 40? And, dishonest / down low / scum?


    what an awful thing to say.
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Apr 13, 2013 7:15 AM GMT
    tanlines saidMaybe you guys can help me out...
    I'm a 40 something DL guy, divorced with kids. How do I go about meeting guys for friends or possibly more? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but believe me, I never thought it would be as difficult as it has been. I have met a few guys on Grindr, but they just haven't panned out. Plus all the guys over 20 are all so busy! I know that I am hindering myself because of the DL thing....but because of my kids that is the option that I have chosen. Any suggestions?


    Do they have to be gay? It sounds like you need friends period. What about your gym?
  • RaggedyMan

    Posts: 7185

    Apr 13, 2013 7:19 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    tanlines saidMaybe you guys can help me out...
    I'm a 40 something DL guy, divorced with kids. How do I go about meeting guys for friends or possibly more? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but believe me, I never thought it would be as difficult as it has been. I have met a few guys on Grindr, but they just haven't panned out. Plus all the guys over 20 are all so busy! I know that I am hindering myself because of the DL thing....but because of my kids that is the option that I have chosen. Any suggestions?


    As they say: OMG, grow a pair. How old you say you are? Fucking 40? And, dishonest / down low / scum? Come on. It's 2013. It's not 1950. Lead, instead of being a coward.

    I pre block faceless, and closet cases. I have nothing to do with them. Way too much baggage.

    Like yourself first...which you don't, and the rest will follow.

    You'll find once you let the light shine in, life gets MUCH brighter and you also do yourself, and those like you a service, by showing them that it's o.k. to be gay, and that's you're not a sneaky snake at 40 and that you're comfortable in your own skin, and that you can LEAD rather than be a quivering coward.

    No one gives a rat's tiny behind who you jerk off too. You simply aren't that important. Get the fuck over it. You're gay. Big deal. Get on with your life. You're 40. Act like a man instead of a 12 year old coward.

    Wanna meet real gay people? Join a real gay club. Go to a real gay bar. Join a real gay sports league. Join match.com.

    Show your face. Get on with your life.

    Really? You must be so much fun to be around chunkstud.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 13, 2013 9:00 AM GMT
    If you're looking to make friends, then join a service organization, a professional group, volunteer, meetup, or help out with your kids' functions.

    Also, you can stop beating around the bush.
    You're looking for a hookup/fb and you want some help/advice.
  • tanlines

    Posts: 173

    Apr 14, 2013 3:01 AM GMT
    No, actually I am not just looking for a FB/hook-up. I would honestly like to find some good friends. Now if some benefits come along with that friendship....that's even better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2013 4:11 AM GMT
    tanlines saidNo, actually I am not just looking for a FB/hook-up. I would honestly like to find some good friends. Now if some benefits come along with that friendship....that's even better.


    I understand that you want to find a friend but that would mean your new friend would also have to be on the DL and that's hard to find nowadays. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing, advertise that you are looking for friends on the DL and perhaps you'll meet some guy. But on the basis of your requirements, your chances of gaining friends are going to be slim.
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    Apr 14, 2013 4:20 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    tanlines saidMaybe you guys can help me out...
    I'm a 40 something DL guy, divorced with kids. How do I go about meeting guys for friends or possibly more? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but believe me, I never thought it would be as difficult as it has been. I have met a few guys on Grindr, but they just haven't panned out. Plus all the guys over 20 are all so busy! I know that I am hindering myself because of the DL thing....but because of my kids that is the option that I have chosen. Any suggestions?


    As they say: OMG, grow a pair. How old you say you are? Fucking 40? And, dishonest / down low / scum? Come on. It's 2013. It's not 1950. Lead, instead of being a coward.

    I pre block faceless, and closet cases. I have nothing to do with them. Way too much baggage.

    Like yourself first...which you don't, and the rest will follow.

    You'll find once you let the light shine in, life gets MUCH brighter and you also do yourself, and those like you a service, by showing them that it's o.k. to be gay, and that's you're not a sneaky snake at 40 and that you're comfortable in your own skin, and that you can LEAD rather than be a quivering coward.

    No one gives a rat's tiny behind who you jerk off too. You simply aren't that important. Get the fuck over it. You're gay. Big deal. Get on with your life. You're 40. Act like a man instead of a 12 year old coward.

    Wanna meet real gay people? Join a real gay club. Go to a real gay bar. Join a real gay sports league. Join match.com.

    Show your face. Get on with your life.
    Whether this is "tough love" or not the way your presenting it makes you seem like an asshole.