Lack of Gay Friends.

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    Apr 12, 2013 3:07 AM GMT
    Recently it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I'm ebullient, I'm cool. Okay at times a little verbose and maybe arrogant, but at the core of it I'm a nice guy.

    I have tons of friends. However, I don't have any gay friends. Not one. Obviously not including my boyfriend. Okay, we're friends, but we also have sex (when he lived here too).

    Sometimes it's nice to have a gay friend. Just a guy that you can talk to about other guys and talk about your relationship in more depth.

    I'm REALLY lucky to have kept all my friends when I came out. Sometimes, when we're at the bar I want to talk about the hot waiter, but my friends can't relate since they're straight. Being bi-ish (best term I can think of) enables me to be able to see the objects of their desire in the same light as they do...so that's what ends up happening.

    Girls are cool. I have friends that are girls, but not being really feminine myself kind of makes it awkward when we're hanging out and I want to play video games or beer pong (suspended adolescence I guess...)

    Hence why a cool gay friend that likes beer, video games, and soccer (but does NOT want to have sex with me) is something that I want.

    Anyone else have a similar experience?
  • Varanus

    Posts: 58

    Apr 12, 2013 3:25 AM GMT
    Some times I feel as if im missing out on not really having any gay friends but the problem ive run into on many an occasion now is that sticking to that "Platonic friendship" is often hard and when one is in a monogamous relationship you can see where the awkwardness comes into play.
    Having turned down a few "friends" it often leads them to distance themselves from me or just cutting themselves off completely.
    While it is a struggle at times not having a group of guys i can relate to 100% of the times, its also great in a sense as well as ive got a great group of friends and wouldnt change them for anything.
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    Apr 12, 2013 3:52 AM GMT
    Varanus saidSome times I feel as if im missing out on not really having any gay friends but the problem ive run into on many an occasion now is that sticking to that "Platonic friendship" is often hard and when one is in a monogamous relationship you can see where the awkwardness comes into play.
    Having turned down a few "friends" it often leads them to distance themselves from me or just cutting themselves off completely.
    While it is a struggle at times not having a group of guys i can relate to 100% of the times, its also great in a sense as well as ive got a great group of friends and wouldnt change them for anything.


    Very true.
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    Apr 12, 2013 3:15 PM GMT
    I've always found it hard to maintain a good friendship with single gay men. I've been in a relationship for the last 5 years and trying to build friendships with guys that aren't with someone is like building a house out of ice in Florida. I've pretty much given up. We try to meet other couples but it's a bit harder.

  • South_Howler

    Posts: 46

    Apr 12, 2013 3:30 PM GMT
    I think you can't be attracted to your friends on any level for them to remain friends. Just enjoy hanging out with them and talking with them. I don't think it's impossible, I just think it's a bit of a challenge.
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    Apr 12, 2013 5:57 PM GMT
    South_Howler saidI think you can't be attracted to your friends on any level for them to remain friends. Just enjoy hanging out with them and talking with them. I don't think it's impossible, I just think it's a bit of a challenge.


    This is why I've lost a few friends along the way. I wanted a friend, he wanted more. icon_cry.gif
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Apr 12, 2013 6:22 PM GMT
    seoulsearcher saidSometimes, when we're at the bar I want to talk about the hot waiter, but my friends can't relate since they're straight. Being bi-ish (best term I can think of) enables me to be able to see the objects of their desire in the same light as they do...so that's what ends up happening.


    I'm really luck to have a lot of bi & 'flexible' friends. icon_smile.gif
    I must say though: even the gay and straight friends I have can relate and playfully engage when I talk about a hot person of a sex they're not into. Kind of like I can relate when someone pervs on a car (I'm not into cars, but I more-ore-less get what they appreciate in them).

    But... you're in Seoul...
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Apr 12, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    wvufan87 said
    South_Howler saidI think you can't be attracted to your friends on any level for them to remain friends. Just enjoy hanging out with them and talking with them. I don't think it's impossible, I just think it's a bit of a challenge.


    This is why I've lost a few friends along the way. I wanted a friend, he wanted more. icon_cry.gif


    I haven't had that problem.
    It's just a matter of respect & comfort.
    Person who's 'into' the other respects that it's not reciprocated.
    Person who's the object of addt'l desire is comfortable enough with his friends not to worry about it.

    Unless someone insists after being rebuffed or someone is just uptight I haven't and don't see a problem.
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Apr 12, 2013 6:41 PM GMT
    I am on the same boat. So far the best results have come from befriending my BF formers bfs, or former bfs of mine... We all know that the sex phase is already behind us and we can just hang out.

    Of course, the sexual attraction has to be really over for this approach to work.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Apr 12, 2013 6:44 PM GMT
    seoulsearcher saidI have tons of friends. However, I don't have any gay friends. Not one. Obviously not including my boyfriend. Okay, we're friends, but we also have sex (when he lived here too).

    Sometimes it's nice to have a gay friend. Just a guy that you can talk to about other guys and talk about your relationship in more depth.

    I'm REALLY lucky to have kept all my friends when I came out. Sometimes, when we're at the bar I want to talk about the hot waiter, but my friends can't relate since they're straight...

    Anyone else have a similar experience?


    Almost exactly. I was a late out as a Kinsey 4 so all my close close friends are straight and mine hung in there with me as well. Luckily my best friend, although straight, is Brazilian and very liberal about sex. VERY liberal. There are no secrets between us in terms of our sex life. I can show him a gay porn and say "Should I try this?" and he won't an eye and say "Meh." Or "Go for it, go crazy."

    So I can talk to him about boy stuff and he laughs/cries with me and offers advice/criticism just like a gay dude would, just without the drama. I have a couple of gay frenemies, and their advice always comes with a side of cattiness and jealously unfortunately. My bestie is awesome.
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    Apr 21, 2013 12:44 AM GMT
    kd86 saidI've always found it hard to maintain a good friendship with single gay men. I've been in a relationship for the last 5 years and trying to build friendships with guys that aren't with someone is like building a house out of ice in Florida. I've pretty much given up. We try to meet other couples but it's a bit harder.



    This describes my situation perfectly! It is particularly hard when neither of you grew up locally and people are increasingly protective of their established social circles.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 21, 2013 1:28 AM GMT
    I don't have any gay friends. The ones I had in high school...well I moved away and i'm finding it really hard to make gay friends. They don't come up to me because I don't act gay at all, or at least that's what my straight friends say. Any suggestions? OH and please don't say Grindr...ppl on there are just out for one thing
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    Apr 21, 2013 1:38 AM GMT
    The only gay friend I have is my ex. But, I don't care and don't make it a small or huge issue, either! I couldn't ask for better friends (straight). They've even been to gay clubs with me :-).
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    Apr 21, 2013 1:39 AM GMT
    I don't have that many gay friends and I feel my life is better for it.
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    Apr 21, 2013 1:39 AM GMT
    msuNtx saidI don't have that many gay friends and I feel my life is better for it.


    Lol! This!!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 21, 2013 1:53 AM GMT
    I have the gay friends I want mostly on my terms. I know that sounds arrogant, but it really isn't. What I mean is, I have several very close gay friends (also alot of straight ones), a goodly number of gay guys what I'm friendly with. They accept me for me, my fitness fetishes, structured living and I refuse to get caught up in some of the gay drama that several of them have with other groups of gay friends. I really enjoy my gay friends, I trust and depend on them. I respect them as they treat me the same. Thats what good friends are all about isn't it?
  • TheBigB79

    Posts: 40

    Apr 21, 2013 6:15 AM GMT
    Ever since I came out I've had a pretty good mix of gay, straight, guys, girls as friends. I kind of overdid it when I first came out and hung out with a lot of gay guys, just because they were gay and I really wanted to explore my sexuality and those who were like me. I came to find out that just because someone else is gay doesn't mean that we'll get along great and be best friends. So just like with anyone else, I am friends with someone because we have similar things in common, other than liking guys.

    Just like people say straight guys and girls can't be friends without there being some kind of attraction or flirtation going on, I think that the idea that gay guys can't be friends without having slept together or previously dated is false. I have been part of an incestuous group of gays where it seemed like everyone had slept with everyone else at one time or another, but I find that those groups don't last very long.

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    Apr 21, 2013 6:40 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI have the gay friends I want mostly on my terms. I know that sounds arrogant, but it really isn't. What I mean is, I have several very close gay friends (also alot of straight ones), a goodly number of gay guys what I'm friendly with. They accept me for me, my fitness fetishes, structured living and I refuse to get caught up in some of the gay drama that several of them have with other groups of gay friends. I really enjoy my gay friends, I trust and depend on them. I respect them as they treat me the same. Thats what good friends are all about isn't it?


    Yes it is! I have lots of friends both gay and straight. When I meet a new guy whom I'd like to be friends with, we discuss things that are of interest for both of us and most likely, the conversation is not a gay-oriented topic. From there, we learn to trust each other and build a bond. It makes future conversations easier and the other guy is not reluctant to hang out. Overall, I have found this strategy very successful in making new friends. As a matter of fact, there's about 10 of us that'll be meeting up for brunch tomorrow....and we always have a blast!
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 21, 2013 7:31 AM GMT
    i do not have many gay or straight friends. i find that keeping a small circle of friends is best. it keeps down the drama and headaches. ha ha ha
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    Apr 21, 2013 8:23 AM GMT
    seoulsearcher saidRecently it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I'm ebullient, I'm cool. Okay at times a little verbose and maybe arrogant, but at the core of it I'm a nice guy.

    I have tons of friends. However, I don't have any gay friends. Not one. Obviously not including my boyfriend. Okay, we're friends, but we also have sex (when he lived here too).

    Sometimes it's nice to have a gay friend. Just a guy that you can talk to about other guys and talk about your relationship in more depth.

    I'm REALLY lucky to have kept all my friends when I came out. Sometimes, when we're at the bar I want to talk about the hot waiter, but my friends can't relate since they're straight. Being bi-ish (best term I can think of) enables me to be able to see the objects of their desire in the same light as they do...so that's what ends up happening.

    Girls are cool. I have friends that are girls, but not being really feminine myself kind of makes it awkward when we're hanging out and I want to play video games or beer pong (suspended adolescence I guess...)

    Hence why a cool gay friend that likes beer, video games, and soccer (but does NOT want to have sex with me) is something that I want.

    Anyone else have a similar experience?


    Your not missing anything.Gay men are a lot of times[ not always] awful to each other.I have two or three gay friends and they are great, but my closest male friends are straight.I generally avoid making friends with gay men....as I get older I have no time for BS,or drama.We all still have work to do.
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    Apr 22, 2013 1:31 AM GMT
    Only 2% are actually gay , the rest are queer or straight men looking for a tight ass . Oh ! don't forget the skull fckrs club.
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    Apr 22, 2013 2:33 AM GMT
    Homesteaders saidOnly 2% are actually gay , the rest are queer or straight men looking for a tight ass . Oh ! don't forget the skull fckrs club.


    Please stop posting here icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2013 2:42 AM GMT
    Rhi_Bran said
    Homesteaders saidOnly 2% are actually gay , the rest are queer or straight men looking for a tight ass . Oh ! don't forget the skull fckrs club.


    Please stop posting here icon_confused.gif
    something tells me he ain't gonna listen... icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2013 3:52 AM GMT
    I don't have any gay friends. Ever since moving to Chicago, I thought I should find some gay friends who I can go out with, but sometimes gay guys can be drama. I've met some really cool guys and some catty guys too icon_confused.gif. I'm still in a search of a group to go out with, but I love the friends I have now. No one says you need to have a group of gay friends though, what's more important is finding a good group of people who accepts you for who you are.

    I've brought some of my straight friends to the gay bars and my buddy actually met a really hot ballerina there and now they're going to go out on their first date! HAHAHAicon_wink.gif
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Apr 22, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    Gay men are supposed to have fag hags icon_razz.gif