theantijock saidNo one can hurt you more than someone who you thought loved you.
I had an evil step-grandmother who, unless eternity is over, I expect must still be rotting in hell right about now. And a cousin who'll be joining her soon enough. They can both go fuck themselves.
I never thought I'd feel that way about anyone. But people will surprise you, both for the good and for the bad.
i feel you, man. sometimes, family can be beyond fucked up to the point where you're forced to chose whether you love them or don't want anything to do with them. you know, it hurts when you have someone in your own family such as a mother or a father or a grandmother that is fucked up and you have that unconditional love for them. they are who they are and sometimes, in order to pay them back, you have to basically be a better person by not doing what THEY did. i love my father. he's a fucked up person and has done things in the past that i didn't think was right at all but i still love him. however, i also am aware of his nature where i have to watch my back around him where i can't completely trust him. sometimes, you have to distance yourself from someone for your sake and you have to take a page from their back on how not to be the same way they are.
but on the other hand, there's some folks outthere that aren't related to me that i really have a hard time of letting grudges go with from the past for some shit they've done to me. i don't like them to this day. in fact, i would like to say that they've actually helped me become the way that i am. bitchmade bullies that were fucking assholes to me. i especially hate the adults that tried to take their hate out of me as a kid. i don't wish death on them BUT fuck them.
I think you're the poster who did a concurrent thread on confidence. I just skimmed it quick and it seemed you were getting some good input so I just clicked out without comment. But some of what you're saying here seems to tie into that.
Regardless of the influences around you, you are still you. Confidence then is taking ownership of yourself. I've never been bullied--well, some RJ creeps gave it their lamest try, but not in real time, it just doesn't happen--but I have been betrayed by people dear to me, after all, who else has that access.
I have to learn better how to live my life with this pain they inflicted. As you note I can't stop loving them, but also I can't allow them to hurt me again. Yet it is their nature to hurt those they supposedly love or at least those they've identified as loving them. I'm not even sure if they're capable of loving others.
But that doesn't mean we can stop being the person we are. You'll still feel about them as you do because that's who you are. Careful, they know that.
I don't know your situation but from what little you've said here your dad may have some sort of disorder or part thereby, rendering him to whatever degree incapable or unlikely of a normal, healthy relationship with you, even if he might otherwise want that. While that may have had some effect on you growing up, you were always responsible for how you reacted to him. Even if your relationship with him set up certain patterns which might have fed into your being bullied by outsiders, you were always part of that equation.
Now I'm not getting into any kind of blame the victim shit and you shouldn't either, because regardless of ourselves, no one has the right to bully, But sometimes, even when we're being influenced, that influence is merely playing upon aspects of ourselves there already. It isn't necessarily that someone made a change in you, but it could be they played something they saw in you.
What my cousin saw was that I loved her and that I was always willing to forgive an forget when she fucked me, until she finally took that way too far. My forgiveness was not her permission to fuck me again and again and again.
You need to surprise yourself. You need to take ownership of your reactions to the actions of others. That's where you will find your confidence. You'll still hurt. Confidence doesn't end the pain. But you'll know where it hurts. Be brave and look there.