A guy who I'm interested said he's not ready for a relationship

  • Kise

    Posts: 24

    Apr 18, 2013 12:10 PM GMT
    I knew this great guy last week and we got to meet up on last Tuesday. The date at his place went great. We kept on texting each other afterwards.

    Today we chatted a bit, he suddenly told me that I shouldn't be falling for him. I wondered why, and he said he likes a guy who doesn't love him back, so he is not ready because his heart is busy and takes time to get over it.

    He told me "I'm a nice guy and friendly", so it wouldn't work in a short time if I try to win his heart over. We plan to meet on this Saturday.

    I knew we only met once, so I shouldn't expect much, but hearing stuff like this kind of breaks me a little.

    Do you guys think I still have a chance with this guy? Because all this "you're a nice guy" talk seems to be a signal for me to go away, but the strange thing is he still wants to see me this Saturday.

    But then seriously, love issues are starting to get frustrating. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2013 12:22 PM GMT
    If a guy tells you that he's not dating material, you need to listen to him. It's not about you being friendly and a nice guy, it's about him not being able to give you what you're looking for. If you decide to pursue this guy, the more he'll push away and the more heartache it will cause you. At that point, you'll jeopardize your friendship with him.

    Based on your original post, this guy just wants to be your friend. You need to ask yourself if you are capable of doing that while showing restraint on your feelings for him. If you can, that's great! Go out with him on Saturday! But if you can't and your feelings for him are too strong, then you need to move on and break all ties with him. Good luck!
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    Apr 18, 2013 12:52 PM GMT
    Kise said
    But then seriously, love issues are starting to get frustrating. icon_neutral.gif

    "Not ready for a relationship" with a "nice guy" can mean:

    - He's not ready for a relationship at this time, but may be later.
    - He's closeted and not ready to come out yet.
    - He's not the relationship kind at all, and never will be.
    - He's not into YOU, and the relationship reason is an excuse, "nice guy" an easier let-down.
    - He's already got a guy, but likes your friendship & company.

    I once made the mistake of coming onto a partially closeted guy too soon, rushing things too fast, and spooked him. But we became friends over time anyway, really BFs but he didn't like to use the term.

    He told me he was afraid of a relationship, but I kept hoping he'd change, and I could win him over. Needless to say I was blinded by love for the guy.

    After 2 years of no change, and his tricking behind my back, I called it quits. Talk about frustrating!

    I first met him almost 9 years ago and he's still single today. If ever there was somebody "not ready for a relationship" I'd say he's a good candidate. Be careful you don't invest your hopes & time in the wrong guy.
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    Apr 18, 2013 1:50 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like he's using you as a band-aid for his hurt ego.

    He could be stringing you along, all the while he's still recovering from / pining over another guy...for you're own self-respect, don't invest too much into this as far as a romantic relationship goes.

    Judging by his vocabulary, you've already been Friend Zoned.
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    Apr 18, 2013 1:54 PM GMT
    Don't force Shug. It's gonna end badly because you're gonna more into the relationship than he is. If he just wants to be friends then go from there or if you feel like you can't handle that just move on. But chasing after unavailable men is not good for your mental health.
  • Kise

    Posts: 24

    Apr 18, 2013 4:29 PM GMT
    Thank you all for the advices. I do feel better now once I understand the situation better.



    Art_Deco said
    "Not ready for a relationship" with a "nice guy" can mean:

    - He's not ready for a relationship at this time, but may be later.
    - He's not into YOU, and the relationship reason is an excuse, "nice guy" an easier let-down.


    I believe the bold lines would probably be of highest possibilities. The weird thing is he actually gives out the address for me on first date (which I would never do until I know that guy really well. I would freak out if I actually invite an freak over and mess around my place LOL).



    GordHunter saidSounds to me like he's using you as a band-aid for his hurt ego.

    He could be stringing you along, all the while he's still recovering from / pining over another guy...for you're own self-respect, don't invest too much into this as far as a romantic relationship goes.


    This is the worst case scenario that I would like to find myself into. Nobody likes band-aids.
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    Apr 19, 2013 1:02 PM GMT
    Band-Aids need to be ripped off quickly, you just prolong the agony with a slow peel......

    The guy has already stated that you "shouldn't fall for him"...it's going to hurt you more if you continue to wait around, hoping he'll eventually want more from you then just a friendship.

    It sucks cuz you obviously desire more from this guy than he is capable of giving to you. Don't sell yourself short by convincing yourself you'd be ok in the "grey zone" with a friend / fb situation...all the while, in the back of your mind you'd be thinking "If only."

    I tend to live by the old adage; "You get what you settle for." There's no reason why you should settle, you'd be doing yourself a disservice.
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    Apr 19, 2013 1:33 PM GMT
    He wants to fuck the town...sorry!
  • Wolfdaddy

    Posts: 57

    Apr 19, 2013 1:37 PM GMT
    Don't beat your head against a brick wall and expect it to feel soft. Find another guy. You need to get back to reality.
    he doesn't want be your lover, your partner or your boyfriend.
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    Apr 19, 2013 1:59 PM GMT
    Already, after one meeting/date?!?! I wouldn't be interested either. I enjoy a chase much better than being chased (especially after such a short time).
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    Apr 19, 2013 2:18 PM GMT
    Just take his word for it and leave it at that.
    For whatever reason, if he doesn't want a relationship with you just be glad he was up front and didn't string you along and waste your time.
    In the long run, he actually did you a favour.
    Keep him as a friend if you like but search else where for a relationship.
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    Apr 19, 2013 2:24 PM GMT
    Sometimes people just aren't ready for a relationship, and that's ok. I was dating a guy, got along great, amazing sex life, it seemed perfect. But he broke it off because he realized he wasn't ready for a fully committed relationship and couldn't give it everything he felt was necessary.

    Yes, it does suck and it hurts, but at least he isn't stringing you along with false hope.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2013 4:28 PM GMT
    If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now, it doesn't matter why. It isn't going to happen. Move on.
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    Apr 19, 2013 10:56 PM GMT
    Value yourself more matey, if hes not interested and has told you that move on, dont be a whiney person with no self esteem. Find someone that values you for what you are. If he wants to be "just" friends then be that, dont go wasting your heart on guys that dont want it
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    Apr 19, 2013 11:04 PM GMT
    Kise saidDo you guys think I still have a chance with this guy? icon_neutral.gif


    Walk away. Just from what you wrote...you want this more than he does. Both have to step up to the plate fairly equally. Be thankful you discovered how he really is before getting even more emotionally invested.
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    Apr 20, 2013 2:39 AM GMT
    Erik101 saidIf a guy tells you that he's not dating material, you need to listen to him. It's not about you being friendly and a nice guy, it's about him not being able to give you what you're looking for. If you decide to pursue this guy, the more he'll push away and the more heartache it will cause you. At that point, you'll jeopardize your friendship with him.

    I wish more guys would pay attention and think like that.

    Most just see it as a challenge or as an opportunity to try and fuck you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2013 2:48 AM GMT
    like most gay guys he's probably pussy footing around instead of telling you that he dosent want you, sounds harsh but i dont want to tall you nonsense, gay guys are notorious for pussy footing even when they want you, '

    for instance i like to go out dancing with my friends at gay clubs sometimes, i could see this guy looking at me as i danced but he never came over to me, later on that weekend i got a message here on RJ and it was the guy from the club, he said he was interested and wanted to go out with me. So i asked him why would he wait to send me a message and be all ' in incognito ' instead of asking me right then and there , he said that he didnt want to bother me while i was with my friends ......... BULLSHIT, who the hell goes to a club NOT to be bothered ?

    so as i said, they pussy foot ALOT
  • Kise

    Posts: 24

    Apr 20, 2013 7:01 AM GMT
    Thanks for the input guys!

    Nope, not seeing this guy this Saturday. icon_smile.gif

    I'm staying at home enjoying myself.