Suggestion to how to tell my parents re moving in with boyfriend...

  • Shenyu

    Posts: 47

    Apr 19, 2013 5:38 AM GMT
    Hi every one


    I just came out to my parents last December and i could tell the outcome was not pleasant. The main driver of my coming out was my decision to take the relationship level with my bf (a Kiwi) to a new level.

    At this stage, i am considering to move to NZ (currently lives in Sydney, parents are Indonesian). How do i suppose to tell my parents? I feel its like another coming out process... And i am horrified just thinking about the outcome...

    My parents are like don't say don't tell type of attitude re gay issues these days...

    Appreciate any thought


    Thanks icon_smile.gif)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    Are you financially tied to your parents? if not and you are able to support yourself independently, i would say go for it, but i would like to know how long have you guys been dating? and how far away is the move? those are factors to consider, also relocation for job, school and such.
  • Shenyu

    Posts: 47

    Apr 19, 2013 12:31 PM GMT
    I am independent financially from my parents. Got a decent job and career in Sydney.

    Relationship is in long distance form for nearly a year now.
    I live in Sydney so moving to Auckland is only 3 hours away by plane...

    We have been gone back and forth Syd-Auckland (sharing cost) for 9 times in existing relationship time frame...

    So moving together will really save some cost ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2013 12:51 PM GMT
    Or, you can get him to move to Sydney?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2013 12:55 PM GMT
    Don't tell them anything. Just make it look like another vacation. They'll figure it out eventually, when you don't come back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2013 1:19 PM GMT
    Be prepared to survive on your own and gain total independence. If you're not ready for that, then don't make the move. Also, coming out b/c you're dating someone isn't really the best reason to. It's a moment that is ALL ABOUT YOU when you're ready. Coming out is hard enough but then coming out and saying I'm moving in with my bf is a lot for some parents to digest.
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    Apr 19, 2013 1:53 PM GMT


    Shenyu, years ago I met a guy from the other side of Canada. We fell for each other and he gave me a ticket to Newfoundland.

    I went to my boss and told her I was either going to quit or if I could, take a leave of absence from work. She gave me a letter of intent to rehire, which meant should I return I would have a job.

    The relationship, in my case, didn't work out but we're friends to this day (over 30 years now) and I'll never regret the adventure and exploration of this thing called love.

    What would you do for work in NZ?
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Apr 19, 2013 2:19 PM GMT
    Why tell them anything?......Move in...give it some time....You told them recently that you're gay...let them get used to that before bringing this news up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2013 2:34 PM GMT
    Love comes to you when you least expect it right icon_smile.gif In a way we both are in the same phase going through the same process and same age in life. In these situations, Life can get difficult for Rice eating people as the family system rules and it is going to get harder to decide what to do because on one end is the family attachment and on the other end is love that we were waiting for. It is not that we are going to leave them but now it is time to get matured to take care of two sides of life. One for parents and one for future family(although I tell you, i quite honestly don't how i am going to manage but what I do know is that i am a love fool...lol and I am confident that this will carry me!)In my case, I have taken up the career progress card. If being independant and airing opinions are not appreciated by your parents, then please know that the phrase "One Life to Love and Live" is very appropriate here.

    Pick something practical to start with.

    Cheers,
    Venky
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 19, 2013 2:51 PM GMT
    I see you're 28 years old. Certainly old enough to make an adult decision about how and with whom you want to live your life.

    One thing I'm not clear on, are you living with your parents now? I'm also wondering if they've met your BF, or at least know about your relationship? Do you have brothers and sisters or are you an only child? Also, do you have job prospects lined up in Auckland?

    I think it is completely reasonable for you to make this move. I also think, as others have suggested, you consider the possibility that this may not work out. It is one thing to date someone and another to actually live with them. I don't want to sound pessimistic because it may work out just great. But, on the other hand, one doesn't really know until you move in and begin the process of adjusting to one another.

    For this reason it is a good idea to have your bases covered in case it doesn't work out. Try not to burn any more bridges than you absolutely have to and try to put in place as many 'safety nets' as you can. You might even consider discussing this with your BF, that you both approach this as a 'trial togetherness' for, say, six months, just to see if it is working for both of you.

    Since we don't really know you or your parents it is difficult to answer the 'how to tell them' question. From what you've said it sounds like they may not take it very well. It's unfortunate because if this were a heterosexual relationship they'd probably be thrilled for you.

    You probably need to tell them that you love them, respect them, appreciate everything they've done for you but that you've met someone and that the two of you love one another and want to try building a life together. Tell them this doesn't mean they're losing you as a son but that you're moving on with your life. You will still be in touch with them and see them.

    Whatever you tell them, you're then going to have to deal with the consequences. They're going to have their feelings about it, whatever they may be. It's difficult but you have to respect their feelings on one hand while not letting them 'get' to you, on the other. Their feelings are theirs and are their responsibility, not yours. I don't know but in your culture that may sound a bit cold but it is a fact none the less. It is difficult for many of us to not feel guilty or responsible for our parents' feelings. Hurting them or upsetting them isn't your intention and there is no real 'need' for them to feel that way. In fact, what they 'ought' to feel is happy for you, happy that you've found someone and happy that you've grown up and are moving out into your own life, even proud of you. Again, if this were a heterosexual relationship, that might be what they *would* feel. So, what's the difference? The difference is in THEM, in their ignorance and attitude about whatever they believe 'gay' is and you can't directly change that. THEY have to change it and if they won't or can't, that really isn't your fault.

    Hope this helps and keep us updated with what happens.
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    Apr 19, 2013 3:02 PM GMT
    MikeW said, "I see you're 28 years old. Certainly old enough to make an adult decision about how and with whom you want to live your life."

    I agree. I was 26, Mom and Dad were really bent out of shape over it, but knew me well enough to have to accept that I usually did whatever I damn well wanted to with my life because it was MY life and my decisions; the prerogative of an adult. .

    lol, they'd learned the hard way that to try meddle or stop me from doing something usually meant a pleasant but pointed withdrawal by me, and that they wouldn't be hearing from me as long as they kept that up or tried to thwart me, bless their well meaning boots.

    icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 19, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    BF lives in New Zealand? (Not clear from post). If you can move there and be employed, and if you really want to live with the BF, then just move. You don't have to tell your parents right away that you are moving in with a BF - but on the other hand, what is ther to lose? The sooner they know, the sooner they may eventually adjust to your gayness.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Apr 19, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    Isn't Australia a more stable place to live? You are already set up with a career there and everything and live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Oceania.

    I would stay in Sydney if I were you and have your BF move from NZ to Australia... a more diverse, bigger economy, perhaps easier for him to find a job in Sydney then u finding one in Aukland?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 19, 2013 5:47 PM GMT
    Lots of good advise here. Yes. Man up, take control of your life. Be pleasant and understanding and respectful with your parents because you owe them that but you are not, or should not, be asking their permission. You are 28. I won't address whether you should go or not because you didn't ask about that. My partner is Asian and he was terrified to tell his China-born, old-school dad about me but he did and everything turned out well enough. You must start acting like an adult. A man. Take charge.
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    Apr 19, 2013 7:12 PM GMT
    I moved to another country for love. Three things come to mind:
    * First I made sure that I loved the city I was moving to in case things with the BF fell apart (which they did).
    * Second, I had a good position waiting for me before resigning from my old job.
    * Third, have savings to float you in case the job doesn't work out.

    As for your parents, you have to tell them, and I'm sure you'll be compassionate. Most parents can get over the "gay" because they want to stay close to their kids. Be sure to encourage their visits, and promise yours in return.

    Have a wonderful adventure!
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    Apr 19, 2013 7:29 PM GMT
    Shenyu saidHi every one


    I just came out to my parents last December and i could tell the outcome was not pleasant. The main driver of my coming out was my decision to take the relationship level with my bf (a Kiwi) to a new level.

    At this stage, i am considering to move to NZ (currently lives in Sydney, parents are Indonesian). How do i suppose to tell my parents? I feel its like another coming out process... And i am horrified just thinking about the outcome...

    My parents are like don't say don't tell type of attitude re gay issues these days...

    Appreciate any thought


    Thanks icon_smile.gif)


    Damn dude you are 28 years old. You have been an adult for quite some time. You should have severed mommy / daddy strings a whle back.
  • Shenyu

    Posts: 47

    Apr 19, 2013 10:19 PM GMT
    I am overwhelmed with the responses thanks everyone.

    Few clarification points:
    *) i have been living out of parents home since 6 years ago. Parents live in Indonesia and i live in Sydney.
    *) i have been visiting Auckland frequently so i am aware of how the city is, though not as familiar as Sydney yet.
    *) prospect of work..i do not know. I work with a govt agency as a business strategy analyst for 2 years or so. I perceived it should be enough to land a good starting job in Auckland?!
    *) yes i come from Chinese indonesian family. It is a stigma to be a gay especially i am the only son. So there is this burden of carrying the family lead. I have a younger sister....
    *) in terms of relationship, we keep in touch through skype and text in daily basis... So i am pretty comfortable with his attitude and routines as well as characters

    I guess the solution is really to just tell my parents diplomatically... Without venting disputes and loosing my own stand... Not sure how though...it is another head scratching moment!!!
    icon_idea.gificon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2013 2:04 AM GMT
    Get a job lined up in Auckland before you move.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Apr 20, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    Definitely get a job lined up and even consider the idea of living on your own or at least being able to, especially if things do not work. You are taking a lot of risks and could end up in a very messy situation. What does your friend think about moving to where you are?

    As for telling your family,I suspect that the answer is somewhere in your cultural circle. How have others in your extended family dealt with such things? The solution may not be great, but at least your family should have a chance to handle things in terms they understand. Not saying you have to give in to being condemned, but at least try to meet them halfway.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2013 2:25 PM GMT
    Working in another country is impossible if you lack a work permit. Have you done all your immigration research?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 22, 2013 2:49 PM GMT
    SirAndy saidGet a job lined up in Auckland before you move.


    Well first, let me compliment you on "reasoning the process". Many don't do that and you are to be commended on your desire to do whats right with regard to your parents.

    I agree with Andy, for me thats the only thing missing. Being without a job even in the best of times can be very tough. Don't take it for granted.
    If you had said you had a job in hand, I'd say "move" and make it happen.
    Again, congrats, you sound very level headed... just complete the process.
    With regard to your parents.. I think if you have done your "due diligence" with regard to your job, they will be less apt to throw a fit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2013 2:58 PM GMT
    "I'm moving in with my boyfriend."
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    Apr 22, 2013 3:05 PM GMT
    rickmenbashi said"I'm moving in with my boyfriend."


    It really is that simple. LOL

    If they give you any flack just remind them that you do not tell them how to live their lives, so you would appreciate it if they would kindly respect your decisions as to how you live YOUR life.

    Just as childbirth is a painful experience. Your rebirth as an autonomous adult can be equally as painful, but the sooner you start the process the happier you will be.
  • dc415

    Posts: 255

    Apr 22, 2013 3:23 PM GMT
    yeah i would say line up a job in NZ *before* you move.
  • Shenyu

    Posts: 47

    Apr 23, 2013 3:22 AM GMT
    Hi everyone

    I agree that to secure a good position in Auckland is one of the requirements. So i want be a leech to my bf. i wont worry of working permit since i will be a citizen of Australia in 2 months time icon_smile.gif. NZ and Australia have a strong bilateral agreement that hopefully lasts...

    Thanks for all the comment. I give myself another 12 months to complete all the above an achieve my goal...