My own David Duchovny....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 20, 2008 7:27 PM GMT
    Hey Guys, this is my first topic here, just asking for a bit of advise on what just happened to me.... My boyfriend of almost a year came to me last night saying that he had to confess that he had screwed up. He said he had cruised at the gym and got involved in oral sex with other guys several times. He said that he couldnt live liying to me and that i deserve better. He said that is a problem that he has, he has this urge to do it, it has nothing to do with the love he has for me or that he is not satisfied sexually with me either... to set an example, we had sex just this saturday and the bastard went and sucked someones dick at the gym that afternoon.
    AS you can imagine im a mess, but im trying to figure out why he would do that?!!! He showed so much love for me but he couldnt think of me before doing something like that? is there people like that? people who can completely loose themselves to lust but at the same time separate the love from it? or while they love someone, see sex as in the same level of having a beer with someone??!! icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 20, 2008 9:05 PM GMT
    Sorry about your predicament. but if you both love each other, i would advice going onto couples counceling, or he could sign up in one of those rehab programs like what mr. duchovny did. if he wants to save his relationship with you, he'd stick to it, and be sure you support him all the way. if he doesnt want to change, then theres nothing to do but let him go. your life is too important to be endangered just because your partner is careless with his.
  • dhinkansas

    Posts: 764

    Oct 20, 2008 9:17 PM GMT
    There are some people who see it as just sex....doubt that he has any feelings at all for those other dudes...there really are guys who will play around, just because it feels good. (I've known one or two of those). Your next step depends on what you truly feel for this guy, and if he can ever re-build the trust factor in your eyes, and whether or not you believe you can ever truly trust him again.

    It's like he's two people...one person with you, and away from you, another person. Hang in there, talk to him...let him know how you feel about it all....and see if total communication helps at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 20, 2008 9:25 PM GMT
    thanks guys...All i've done today is think about the whole situation, even thought i try to find a solution and perhaps figure out a way, the thought of him with someone else makes me sick...
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Oct 20, 2008 9:33 PM GMT
    By this post, I assume you care enough about this relationship to want to try to save it. But, trust is a very important thing in a relationship. First, your partner is going to have to seek help for his compulsion. He should find a professional therapist to work through these issues. The both of you may need couple's counseling, because you will likely need to work through how he has betrayed your trust -- that often doesn't come easily. But, if you're both committed to this relationship, and it sounds like your partner feels great pain in having hurt you, then it's probably worth the attempt to save it if that's what you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 20, 2008 10:22 PM GMT
    Yes, cut him some slack.

    Peruvian saidHey Guys, this is my first topic here, just asking for a bit of advise on what just happened to me.... My boyfriend of almost a year came to me last night saying that he had to confess that he had screwed up. He said he had cruised at the gym and got involved in oral sex with other guys several times. He said that he couldnt live liying to me and that i deserve better. He said that is a problem that he has, he has this urge to do it, it has nothing to do with the love he has for me or that he is not satisfied sexually with me either... to set an example, we had sex just this saturday and the bastard went and sucked someones dick at the gym that afternoon.
    AS you can imagine im a mess, but im trying to figure out why he would do that?!!! He showed so much love for me but he couldnt think of me before doing something like that? is there people like that? people who can completely loose themselves to lust but at the same time separate the love from it? or while they love someone, see sex as in the same level of having a beer with someone??!! icon_cry.gif
  • groundcombat

    Posts: 945

    Oct 20, 2008 11:23 PM GMT
    While I realize the inherent irony involved with me giving relationship advice, I always hear that the really good relationships are worth fighting to preserve.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 20, 2008 11:25 PM GMT
    It's probably good that he came to you on his own and confessed that he messed up. I think it would bother me to find out messing up meant "several times". How committed is he to fixing what's he's created? How willing is he to seeking therapy? It sounds like a monogamous relationship is important to you and you need to consider whether it's really as important to him. Make sure that his confession isn't an excuse to mess up again. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 20, 2008 11:33 PM GMT
    GuyNextDoorOhio saidIt's probably good that he came to you on his own and confessed that he messed up. I think it would bother me to find out messing up meant "several times". How committed is he to fixing what's he's created? How willing is he to seeking therapy? It sounds like a monogamous relationship is important to you and you need to consider whether it's really as important to him. Make sure that his confession isn't an excuse to mess up again. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
    Good points and I agree that his coming to you shows and tells you something about him. If he wasn't into your relationship, I doubt he would have bothered telling you. He clearly feels the relationship has some value to be bothered enough to come clean. Cut him some slack and work with him to figure out why he feels he needs this, counseling is a good option. I'd say he has some good qualities that have already shown through, despite his issues.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 20, 2008 11:52 PM GMT
    thanks for the responses guys.... i just left him a message saying that if this is something he is willing to change, im willing to work it out, if thats something he wants to do for the rest of his life than we'll part ways...i said to call me back if he wants to work it out, if i dont hear from him it means i gotta move on... so far no call back yet, but regardless of if he calls or not..im starting to make peace with it...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 21, 2008 6:41 AM GMT


    Well, there's nothing wrong with equating sex with beer or chocolate cake, for that matter.

    There's a great deal wrong with sneaking and/or cheating.

    Re-reading your post, there's much left unsaid. For example, what do YOU need in a relationship? Not want. Need. If it's fidelity, and you've let him know that clearly, then there's a lack of respect. We're not believers in 'sex addiction' when it involves a cast of characters, as sex addiction would just mean a very tired hand, heheh.

    If this is an obsessive/compulsive urge he feels he can't control, then he will need help getting control.

    Can you adjust into an open relationship? If you can then all will be well, as without the need for secrecy, other aspects of your relationship can flourish. That said, there are other issues here, as giving blow-jobs randomly can mean disease showing up at home randomly too. Are there safe-sex parameters established?

    We think the message you left him , to choose, is good. Remember to follow through, or the impression you give will be one that this is not that serious. He should realize that you, good man, are in love and so it IS serious.

    Thinking of you, -us
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 23, 2008 1:55 PM GMT
    i know the feeling of having to make tough decisions like this.

    good luck bro and keep your head up, and youll find someone who treats you the way you deserve.

    i myself also dont understand how someone can fuck you in the evening, when they hooked up with someone earlier in the day...wrong on so many levels. what made me suspicious, was when a guy didnt bust his nut, he just shrugged it off. i was like someting is wrong here. turns out i was right.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 23, 2008 2:02 PM GMT
    Uh.. the obvious..... be sure to be tested as often as possible. This guy sounds like the West Nile Virus about to happen.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 25, 2008 2:01 AM GMT
    He couldn't live with the lying?

    How about not being able to live with himself being a complete asshole?
    And the "problem" that he has is is simple, he's a lying cheat