OCD or HIV Paranoia

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    Apr 26, 2013 4:48 PM GMT
    I have a friend who has topped a guy without a condom like 8 months ago. He has refused to get tested ever since!

    Apparently the guy that hooked up with him was very hot and insisted that he doesn't enjoy having sex with a condom (weird for a bottom) and my stupid virgin friend said yes because he didn't want to upset the guy and thought he might have a chance with him.

    The guy didn't respond to his message after that and blocked him (I'm not surprised). So he went paranoid after that and thinks the guy probably had HIV and wanted to spread it. He says he's scared to get tested and I think he might become suicidal if he's positive.

    As a friend would you force him to get tested or you'd let him be this way? He lives his life but goes crazy sometimes thinking he has HIV symptoms.
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    Apr 26, 2013 7:18 PM GMT
    First, let me comment that it is a kind of an asshole move on the part of your friend to block someone after having sex with him. It is not how a kind and respectful person treats people in this world.

    While not a smart move on his part, I don't think the bottom was trying to infect him - while condoms should always be used in this kind of situation, condoms tend to chafe more and be quite uncomfortable for some bottoms compared to bare sex, which is one of the problems that safe sex campaigns tend to overlook, unfortunately. Also, a lot of people want a feeling of closeness that condoms, to them, interfere with. These are some reasons a lot of guys stop using condoms once they are in an LTR.

    About his fear, it is normal, and all you can do is be supportive, but you should encourage him to talk to someone, like a counselor or a hotline. Also, to help calm him down, while he should always wear condoms, you could inform him that the chance of the top catching HIV from an infected bottom is estimated to be roughly one in a thousand per encounter (assuming he's circumcised) and roughly one in 200 if he's not - so he is most likely worried for nothing. Also, you should make it clear to him that HIV is not a death sentence any more but that early treatment is better than late treatment, and try to set his mind at ease that if he is positive, it will make no difference to your love and acceptance of him (which I hope is true).

    Furthermore, if he is afraid of getting tested in a public place (like a doctor's), he can buy the quick saliva test available in pharmacies and get a rapid answer at home. You could help him with that if he wants.
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    Apr 26, 2013 7:41 PM GMT
    seekonk saidFirst, let me comment that it is a kind of an asshole move on the part of your friend to block someone after having sex with him. It is not how a kind and respectful person treats people in this world.

    While not a smart move on his part, I don't think the bottom was trying to infect him - while condoms should always be used in this kind of situation, condoms tend to chafe more and be quite uncomfortable for some bottoms compared to bare sex, which is one of the problems that safe sex campaigns tend to overlook, unfortunately. Also, a lot of people want a feeling of closeness that condoms, to them, interfere with. These are some reasons a lot of guys stop using condoms once they are in an LTR.

    About his fear, it is normal, and all you can do is be supportive, but you should encourage him to talk to someone, like a counselor or a hotline. Also, to help calm him down, while he should always wear condoms, you could inform him that the chance of the top catching HIV from an infected bottom is estimated to be roughly one in a thousand per encounter (assuming he's circumcised) and roughly one in 500 if he's not - so he is most likely worried for nothing. Also, you should make it clear to him that HIV is not a death sentence any more but that early treatment is better than late treatment, and try to set his mind at ease that if he is positive, it will make no difference to your love and acceptance of him (which I hope is true).

    Furthermore, if he is afraid of getting tested in a public place (like a doctor's), he can buy the quick saliva test available in pharmacies and get a rapid answer at home. You could help him with that if he wants.



    Thanks! Very wise words.

    Oh, the other guy blocked my friend by the way not the other way around, that was the main reason he freaked out. I don't think the guy had HIV, because he looks very healthy. My friend is being paranoid. I didn't know about this till a few days ago. I'll try to take him to the test center.
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    Apr 26, 2013 8:50 PM GMT
    Not the first time I've heard something like that. I would suggest offering to go with him to get tested and saying he will feel a lot better knowing one way or the other.
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    Apr 26, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    RedwanCh said

    Oh, the other guy blocked my friend by the way not the other way around, that was the main reason he freaked out. I don't think the guy had HIV, because he looks very healthy. My friend is being paranoid. I didn't know about this till a few days ago. I'll try to take him to the test center.



    It's understandable that he is freaking out - years ago I went through a very bad six months for similar reasons. Just based on my experience, he may be having anxiety attacks mixed with depression, obsessive rumination, intense feelings of self-blame, and even physical OCD behaviors. It's a good sign that he at least finally told you. You may not be able to force him to get tested right away (I wouldn't try to force him) but you can be there for him and that's important. Also, look out for signs of depression and encourage him to see someone if you think he may be suffering, since some people can lose perspective in situations like this and commit self-harm.
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    Apr 26, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    seekonk said
    RedwanCh said

    Oh, the other guy blocked my friend by the way not the other way around, that was the main reason he freaked out. I don't think the guy had HIV, because he looks very healthy. My friend is being paranoid. I didn't know about this till a few days ago. I'll try to take him to the test center.



    It's understandable that he is freaking out - years ago I went through a very bad six months for similar reasons. Just based on my experience, he may be having anxiety attacks mixed with depression, obsessive rumination, intense feelings of self-blame, and even physical OCD behaviors. It's a good sign that he at least finally told you. You may not be able to force him to get tested right away (I wouldn't try to force him) but you can be there for him and that's important. Also, look out for signs of depression and encourage him to see someone if you think he may be suffering, since some people can lose perspective in situations like this and commit self-harm.


    Yea, he seems depressed sometimes. But he was depressed before (when he was closeted) too.

    Thanks again man.
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    Apr 26, 2013 11:21 PM GMT
    You can always go to the clinic with him. maybe if you both get tested (even though you weren't involved), he'd be more likely to commit to doing it.