recommendations for HIV status disclosure from meeting guys on OKCupid

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2013 6:46 AM GMT
    SCENARIO: I'm a HIV+ gay male. I've met a guy twice already (no sex or anything) from the dating website, OKCupid. I'm interested in being in a relationship with him although I'm not sure how he feels but I suspect he might be interested.

    QUESTION: When is disclosure appropriate? I see how disclosing early could show honesty and trust (as well as a time saver if that's a categorical rejection), but I also see the wonder if delaying notification would allow the other person to have a better idea of what kind of person I am. After all, if he's not interested in a relationship later, then disclosing my status early would be moot. Honest advice appreciated! Thanks!
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Apr 28, 2013 10:02 AM GMT
    tell him as soon as possible. It's important.
    You say that delaying would allow him to have a better idea of what kind of person you are, it should be the other way around. You should tell him to find out what kind of person he is.
    If he runs away stuff him! It may be an important piece of information about you but it doesnt define you. If he cant see past it that's his problem and you deserve someone who can.

    It must be very difficult dating with HIV, have you thought about HIV dating sites? May be easier cus you wont have to have this dilemma as everything is upfront and you can meet people in the same situation as you, good luck xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    Tell him when you see him again. It's awkward, but he'll appreciate being informed and you'll be grateful you're not wasting time on someone who's not interested in a relationship.
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Apr 28, 2013 8:36 PM GMT
    You should tell him when you know you have a serious interest, which seems like now. Definitely don't try the "wait till you get to know how great I am" method. It's manipulative, and if he's truly uncomfortable with dating someone poz, he'll still be uncomfortable with it even after he gets to know you.
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    Apr 28, 2013 9:03 PM GMT
    asap.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Apr 28, 2013 9:12 PM GMT
    great_scott saidYou should tell him when you know you have a serious interest, which seems like now. Definitely don't try the "wait till you get to know how great I am" method. It's manipulative, and if he's truly uncomfortable with dating someone poz, he'll still be uncomfortable with it even after he gets to know you.


    +1

    I can see a bit of a delay, as I don't expect anyone to disclose their personal health information to me if I'm a complete stranger with whom there's really no serious potential for anything happening. But when it seems there's potential (for sex if it was a hookup or for a relationship if we were dating) I'd expect disclosure.

    And, yeah, it sounds like you're at that point in dating this guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2013 9:24 PM GMT
    GreenTea saidSCENARIO: I'm a HIV+ gay male. I've met a guy twice already (no sex or anything) from the dating website, OKCupid. I'm interested in being in a relationship with him although I'm not sure how he feels but I suspect he might be interested.

    QUESTION: When is disclosure appropriate? I see how disclosing early could show honesty and trust (as well as a time saver if that's a categorical rejection), but I also see the wonder if delaying notification would allow the other person to have a better idea of what kind of person I am. After all, if he's not interested in a relationship later, then disclosing my status early would be moot. Honest advice appreciated! Thanks!


    Disclosure should be in your prophile
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    Apr 28, 2013 9:25 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidasap.

    Agreed. I met my first husband on AOL, and when we finally spoke on the telephone one of the first things he told me was that he was poz. I can't predict how other guys would react to that news, but I felt:

    1) This guy is honorable and honest. I like him for it.
    2) I'll have to think about how this would impact getting into a relationship with him. There are some potential minuses here I need to consider.

    I did consider, and when he proposed to me months later after spending time together I accepted. One of the best decisions of my life. icon_biggrin.gif

    Any guy has to be told at some point if the other guy is positive. Better sooner than later is what I would endorse. Later can appear to be deception, and a guy who's not put-off by HIV, like me, would be more receptive to an immediate disclosure than a delayed one. And the guy who doesn't want any involvement with a poz person is gonna reject you no matter when he learns about it. So why delay?
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Apr 28, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidDisclosure should be in your prophile


    I used to think this, but I don't really agree anymore now that I've started hanging out with and counseling poz guys.

    One, it means nothing, as there's plenty of HIV- guys who either don't know they're poz or are lying about it.

    Two, it would have kept me from meeting a couple of really wonderful dudes. It has been eye-opening. Now I don't blame them for wanting to disclose face-to-face and only with certain dudes: the stigma is such that some people don't want every Tom, Dick, and Harry knowing their health information. In West Hollywood, at least, it's a valid concern because our community is so insular and gossipy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 1:56 AM GMT
    I say tell him asap I would like to know if i were him
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Apr 29, 2013 2:36 AM GMT
    Alpha13 said

    Disclosure should be in your prophile



    yep, its a deal breaker. sorry. Im going to ask anyway first thing, save you the hassle.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Apr 29, 2013 2:43 AM GMT
    The more you get used to telling people upfront the easier it should get
    Waiting is easy and of course never telling is easy as well.

    But if you are interested in him sexually then definitely tell him. If you are OK with being friends with him then prepare for that since he might not wanna date you but just be friends after you tell him