Boyfriend moved out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2013 9:59 PM GMT
    I'm not sure what I'm looking for and posting on a forum is a first for me...I guess some outside insight or advice would be good.

    First the back story...My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months now. Everything happened kind of suddenly and took me by surprise. He moved in with me almost immediately and in most circumstances its almost too soon (I mean about 3 weeks into dating) - but he was struggling with with his life and at the end of the day I wanted him around. I knew from day one that I had fallen in love.

    He has a very dark past - he's lived with abusive relationships all his life and the past few years have his life had him and still do have him really down. He had gotten out of an abusive relationship and moved back home shortly before we met. He was still getting over a heavy meth addiction and coming to terms with contracting HIV, all within the past year. Not having HIV myself, his status does not concern because I really feel I'm truly in love with this guy.

    Over the past few months we've been working at getting him healthy and happier - he started the medication, we've got him on ODSP for now, and all was going relatively well - it was a bit of a struggle for both of us, but we were on the right track. We just moved into a new apartment on the 1st of the month, he was getting counselling, things were great. When we moved into the new place he was ecstatic saying that this was his first "home" and that his mom was proud of him...

    Last Sunday, after we had a spat, he informed me that he was moving back in with his mother. We talked for a good two hours before he left, both of us crying the whole time...Ive never wanted to cling onto something so hard for fear of losing it.

    Since the day we've met he's carried around a lot of guilt about his past. I've been supportive and reassuring - but I think it became too much for him to handle. He's always had a fear of me leaving him - and on several occasions it would put him to tears he was so afraid. It put me in situation where I felt I could never be quiet, upset or mad about anything because he would feel this way, even if it had nothing to do with him. He is constantly anxious about this about really ashamed about his past - it absolutely breaks my heart. I've always been supportive and tried to encourage him to talk to friends, keep his mind occupied..but I can't control how he's feeling.

    He said that him leaving wasn't really me but that he had to move back home to be more independent and deal with what he's feeling. We're still together, but this week has been the hardest week I've had to endure.

    My mind can't help with spin with every possibility. He's been a little distant and a little cold since then - so we talked the other night and I asked point blank if he still loved me and he drew blank. He said he didn't know how he was feeling right now and was very confused about everything. The conversation turned a little more positive that our relationship should just try to "be" - which I agree with. Nothing since we've met has ever been forced, everything has come naturally. He still wants to be with me and this is what I'm trying to focus on, but my mind can't help but run a mile a minute. I felt like I was holding on to something that might not be there and wanted to get what was on his mind - couldnt. So afterwards we laughed..had a good chat and called in a night.

    Throughout the week I was pushing to keep the conversation going - about anything. He wasn't really texting me unless I texted him first - and if he responded it would be at least an hour afterwards and just appeared very cold. I decided to take a step back yesterday - I don't want to be distant and as much as I want to see/talk to him I felt it might be best to let it be. In the past, we used to communicate all the time, sending eachother cute little messages throughout the day - this kinda came to a halt on Sunday night.

    He did text me a cute little message yesterday and said he hopes I'm doing okay. I left it for a few hours - I sent him one when I got home saying my phone died and was just getting in, heading to bed. He said goodnight, xoxo, and that he loved me. Its the first time this week he's said he's loved me without me saying it first.

    Am I right in taking this step back? Should I give him a chance to miss me?

    I've never been so lost and confused and heartbroken my entire life. Deep down, this is the man I want to marry and spend my life with - this has been very trying and each day gets a little better but waking up in the morning without him is hard. I've spent the week upset and crying - my body completely giving out on me. I've been much better the past two days, but I can't deny myself being upset..being heartbroken.

    I've googled situations like this but everyone is different, so its hard to find some direction on what to do...any advice would be appreciated.
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Apr 28, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    wow thats a tough sitch to crack.... sounds like he has led n will continue to lead a pretty chaotic/dramatic life
    From a somewhat similar situation with my sisters love life i can give you some thoughts that i had on that and you can see if they apply to you:

    his interesting, emotional and turbulent past may have made you open your heart and fall madder in love than you would have with a regular joe because of your compassion to save him and to nourish the calm and content side of him
    that you love
    This can put tremendous amounts of pressure on you and hurts a lot. Every time he is sad and discontent it can stir even more emotions because of the awful past that is behind him,

    really tough advice to follow but I would stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Taking a step back is a great idea. Take as much time as you need to get a handle on the stress and pain you're feeling right now and try to deal with it with less intense feelings. You can love him but be patient at the same time and accept what comes.

    Read "Grapes of Wrath" might put things in perspective n distract you from the importance of the drama in your life, people have terrible lives but the carry on and its a beautiful thing!

    ps, sorry if any of this was insensitive xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2013 11:49 PM GMT
    Thanks for the reply.

    Its definitely been tough having to bottle my own emotions in an effort not to upset him - not healthy, no, but I know at the end of the day I'm a stronger person and can handle it.

    He's the sweetest guy ever and has such a big heart - he's been chewed up and spit up by the world and I can understand his struggle.At the end of the day, he knows he put himself in these situations and has been taking the necessary steps to not only correct, but feel better about himself too. He carries this guilt thats almost more crippling than the HIV.

    This isn't just some guy I've been dating for 5 months - he's my soul mate and it hurts me to see him in so much pain. While he's getting used to the medication he's been off work..so during the day when I was gone its just him and his brain...

    I dont know..I love him so much and don't want to lose him. I want to feel anger or betrayal for him just leaving everything we've worked so hard to built together for the past 5 months...but I cant.

    I've taken a bit of a step back - but its the hardest thing ever not to talk to him. I find myself constantly wanting to send a message, chat..whatever, but I know I can't right now. I'm very lost and as much as I try to focus my energy on positive things its always there. icon_sad.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Apr 29, 2013 2:51 AM GMT
    run the hell away and find someone who is not a pity party.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Apr 29, 2013 4:48 AM GMT
    oh munchausen syndrome sock
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 10:06 AM GMT
    boyfriend of 5 months????
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 11:15 AM GMT
    It's definitely not a pity party or attention seeking situation. It's just a matter of him coming to terms with what he's done and making the effort to move on from it - I see in his heart that this is what he really wants. I wish I could do more but you can't "save" people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 1:18 PM GMT
    rerun saidIt's definitely not a pity party or attention seeking situation. It's just a matter of him coming to terms with what he's done and making the effort to move on from it - I see in his heart that this is what he really wants. I wish I could do more but you can't "save" people.

    jackooh's advice may be spot on. And also your own observation that you can't (always) save people. Even medical field professionals can't do it very reliably, and I presume you're not one of those, nor am I.

    Question: can you stay in the new apartment by yourself, covering the rent and other expenses? Was he contributing any money? Is it too big a place for you alone? Stuck with a lease? Has he discussed his joint responsibility for the place, and the reason for your being there?

    I ask because if you're dependent on him for living expenses then that could be influencing your view of this. If losing the BF means losing the apartment, maybe breaking the lease with penalties, and forcing you to go through that process again your motivations may be muddled.

    How much do you know about his mother? He said she was "proud" of him taking the apartment, but then lets him return home? Why didn't she resist it?

    Is his father also in the equation, other family members? They could be another dynamic in this situation you're not considering, over which you may have little control. Nor might he, if they're controlling people and he's easily swayed, and/or he's a dependent personality.

    So possibly even more variables to take into account. I agree you should accept his staying where he is at home, keep in touch, and give this a little more time. Stay where you are if you're able and you otherwise like the place, regardless of him. Though telling him you're contemplating moving to a smaller place, and maybe you'll have to, might prompt him to make a decision to get back together with you, if that's really what you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 4:41 PM GMT
    I don't believe my feelings are influenced by the money situation. I was always the bigger contributor as he's been unable to work and any money he gets always went to the greater good.

    Granted, him leaving like this puts me in a tough spot as I had just taken a new job at a lower salary two weeks back, counting on both incomes it was a move I could afford to make. It will no doubt be a struggle - but not my main concern.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Apr 29, 2013 4:54 PM GMT
    "We're still together."

    Be happy with that. You're reacting as if you've broken up. He says he wants to be independent, let him. Let his mother shoulder some of the load. You admit it was too soon to move in together anyway, and you're probably right.

    You sound like the caretaker co-dependent type, and a little clingy. You don't have to live with a guy, monitor his every move, and care for him 24/7 to support him and be his boyfriend. *shrug* Give him some space to grow: you're still together. He just wants a boyfriend, not a wetnurse.
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    Apr 29, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    Now, from his perspective, lets look at what happened. His world crumbled to pieces, and some really sweet guy came around, and pretty much rebuilt his world, with compassion and love and understanding. That could be scary for someone, someone else saving you and not knowing if you can save yourself. having been through some of what he's gone through I think of it like this- maybe he needs time to think, maybe he needs to realize that he didn't just slap a bandaid on all his problems by finding someone who loves him.

    Sometimes, it can be easy to mistake an intense emotion for love, like appreciation. He's looking at the scenario in hindsight, does he love you because he loves you, or does he love you for appreciation of picking up his pieces after they've crumbled. He needs time to appreciate you, and figure out if he loves you.

    What you did is noble, no doubt. But is this a trend in your life? ever heard of Florence Nightengale Syndrome? I sure as hell know I have it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    I know I'm going to get flack for this but why get involved with a recovering meth addict? Why? Why? Why? Is the dating pool that stagnant where you live?

    It's one thing to date and start a relationship with someone who is 5, 10, 15 or 20 and beyond years sober, but someone who is still actively recovering? Why invite that sort of turmoil in your life?
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    Apr 29, 2013 5:11 PM GMT
    Eventually you're going to have to realize that your boyfriend isn't your entire life. You sound like you are obsessing so much about every little thing he does, maybe you're strangling him. You said it was easy, but a relationship isn't easy if you freak out because he doesn't immediately reply to your texts or constantly confirm that he likes you. And really, throwing all your chips into a new relationship was really a decision that you're probably going to have to pay for.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 29, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    It sounds like taking a step back is the right thing to do. However, I'd suggest, if you haven't already, you be very clear with him about what you're doing and why so he doesn't misinterpret that behavior.

    I can understand his need to 'find himself' and feel more 'independent'. Whether or not he can do that living with his mother is a whole other question or issue but that is the path he's chosen to take.

    One of my first threads on this forum was that relationships are hard work. I posted it because a lot of young guys have this sort of 'dreamy' notion that when you fall in love it all more or less works itself out. That can happen but it isn't the norm, at least not in my experience. My experience isn't only my own relationships but also having been a) a peer counselor for gay men and b) a participant in a seven year gay couples support group. Something I wish every gay couple had access to.

    It is a good thing, I think, to come to a forum like this and sort of spill your guts. It can be a very healthy catharsis in its own right. Be aware, however, this being the kind of forum it is, not all responses may be supportive or favorable. It's a public forum and when you post something you take a risk that some replies will be inappropriate or worse.

    Beyond that the value is limited. Hopefully you will get some supportive replies. But the fact is most of us are not in the helping professions but even if we were all we know is what you've written which is a very thin slice of the reality. I can tell you from my own experience that personal counseling and sometimes couples counseling is necessary to work though deep issues.

    The only other thing I can suggest is to try and not obsess about this. I know that is almost impossible given the feelings involved. But there is a difference between keeping in touch with your feelings, communicating them, creating 'open space' for your partner and so on and clingy obsessive worry and fear of losing him. A relationship has to be a two-way street. It can, at times, withstand most of the 'energy' coming from one side or the other for various reasons but ultimately there has to be a balance. From what you've said, it could be your partner is feeling the imbalance and is actually trying to make a move to correct that for himself. If he can do that, things may work out for the better for both of you.



  • metta

    Posts: 39133

    Apr 29, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    You sound a little too co-dependent to me. You may want to consider getting some counseling and learn how to develop and manage a healthy relationship.


    http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/symptoms-of-codependency/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 5:52 PM GMT
    Like you guys said, you just need to let it be. He may have cold for awhile, but it looks like he's coming back to you.

    Support him through whatever he decides, and remind him how much you love him. Theres not much else you can do, but good luck.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 29, 2013 6:01 PM GMT
    yes, i think you should take a step back. i think you should start finding other things to distract you from him. it seems you two need to seek out a relationship therapist who can help you two with your problems
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 6:06 PM GMT
    TL;DR
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 8:19 PM GMT
    The dating pool is plentiful here - his previous addictions had and still do not have an impact on how I feel about him.

    I'm certainly not codependent. I've always been the more independent one in our relationship - his texting times, etc have never been a concern before now and only because it was such a drastic change.

    As for the "caretaker" - I did what I felt was right. I have the expectation that people should get their own affairs in order, but that won't stop me from supporting if I can help.

    It sounds obsessive - but at the end of the day I don't want to lose what we have and am just looking for a little guidance on how to proceed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    Boyfriend of 5 months already living with you?!?! The situation was doomed from the start. Whatever happened to 'getting to know someone' before you allow them in your daily personal space?!?!
  • honeybadgerCA

    Posts: 1

    Apr 29, 2013 8:50 PM GMT
    You sound like a really nice guy. And no doubt your BF also is, or you hopefully wouldn't have fallen in love with him, right!

    But I kinda think he is being the smarter one here.... he realizes that he needs to figure out some stuff on his own, independently. It sounds like he has gone through some significant life changes. To start a new relationship right after that is really difficult. The first 6 months - year of a relationship are supposed to be the joining of two stable, relatively independent lives. You start figuring out and exploring all the qualities, values, chemistry, etc. that the person has and determine if this person would make a good life partner. Then your independent lives start to merge into an US over time (but you should still have an independent life too!)

    If a lot of life changes, struggles happened after the above "normal dating" period, and you already were in a relationship, then it is a different story. You can absolutely get through that together because you've built a healthy relationship (lets assume).

    But this isn't the case right now. You are insecure, he is insecure. You over analyze txt messages and consciously plan when to respond. It's causing everyone anxiety and consuming your thoughts.

    Be single, build an independent life, let your boyfriend do the same. Enjoy the summer. Sometimes even when you love someone, the timing just isn't right.

    And guaranteed, you will fall in love again, if not with him, with someone else. And for entirely different reasons. Time heals all wounds, and as hard as that is to believe sometimes, it absolutely is true. Give yourselves some time, move on, and who knows what the future will hold.

    Thats my advice.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Apr 29, 2013 9:54 PM GMT
    rerun saidIt sounds obsessive - but at the end of the day I don't want to lose what we have and am just looking for a little guidance on how to proceed.


    Oh okay: let him live with his mother and continue being his boyfriend. *shrug*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2013 1:09 PM GMT
    Apparition saidrun the hell away and find someone who is not a pity party.


    preach.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    May 03, 2013 1:28 PM GMT
    he is just broken, but it doesn't mean he isn't fixable, just needs time. If you are willing to put the time into it might be worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2013 2:01 PM GMT
    Meth is a bizarre and powerful drug. You may want to consult a professional meth rehab counselor to help you better understand what is going on in his head.

    Meth (like lots of other stuff) modifies a person's brain chemistry. Through supplementation and counseling many people are able to restore their brain chemistry to within "normal" ranges. I've done this successfully in myself and my son to overcome depression, ADD, rage and certain symptoms of autism. If there is a brain-chemistry component to your man's issues, he would be very unlikely to be able to over come them on his own, without chemical intervention.

    For more information, check out a company called Neurogistics (neurogistics.com). I'm am completely unaffiliated with them, but there's some useful info on the site.

    The brain chemistry thing is not a panacea, it's a tool for your quiver.

    Good luck, and stay strong.