How to start a coming-out conversation to the best friend?

  • Stickygreen

    Posts: 2

    Apr 30, 2013 12:50 PM GMT
    hello,
    I'd like to come out to my best friend but unfortunately I'm not good in talking about deep shit & feelings.
    The reason why I want to do it, cause I dont wanna lie anymore, cause I hate lieing. Also another reason is, that I really like him a lot and I suspect him to be gay or at least bisexual or "curious" and I can prove that.
    I am aware that I might lose him as best friend, but I think it would make things easier then when I come out and tell him that I have crush on him.
    But of course, he suspects me to be gay too and he said that he wouldn't have any problems with it, but I am not sure if it was serious or a joke, cause he loughed while saying it.
    Stupidly we are friends for about 8 years, but I crushed on him about 2 years ago and since then I couldnt find another love, cause I'm very stick to him and I guess also cause we see us like everyday.

    I hope to get honest advices and please don't troll

    Sincere
  • chadwick1985

    Posts: 391

    Apr 30, 2013 1:38 PM GMT
    I wouldn't tell him youre crushing on him right away. I would tell him you are gay and judge his reaction. Telling him both may be too much right out the gate.

    When I told my best friend I had a mutual friend who I had already told kind of hint at the fact that I am gay before I talked to him. When I told my best friend it was hard, it took me a few hours to finally get the words out but once I did it was a huge sense of relief. Of course he was totally fine with it but I had no way of knowing that at the time.

    Just beware, he may be ok youre gay or he may not. If he's not then he isn't a true friend. Again, I would not tell him youre both gay and crushing on him right out the gate. Who knows, once you tell him youre gay he may tell you he's bi etc.
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    Apr 30, 2013 2:16 PM GMT
    I say come out to him to first. Let him absorb that info before you do anything else. Don't say anything more. You might overwhelm him.

    And even if your friend is gay or not, it doesn't mean he'll like you back.
  • Stickygreen

    Posts: 2

    Apr 30, 2013 2:23 PM GMT
    thanks a lot. thats a good point. but actually my problem are the words..
    I dont know how to start it. I dont just wanna rush and say "hey I'm gay"
  • chadwick1985

    Posts: 391

    Apr 30, 2013 11:43 PM GMT
    I would start by saying you need to talk to him, tell him something has been bothering you and that need to be honest with him because friendship should be based on honesty. I would tell him that you have been struggling for a while and after struggling you have come to the conclusion that you are gay. That you hope you being gay doesn't change your friendship but that you didn't want to have a friendship with someone where you are not completely honest with him.
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    Apr 30, 2013 11:50 PM GMT
    In my case, I've never made a big deal about it. I might mention someone I was dating and casually insert a "he" and "him" into the conversation. Mostly they didn't miss a beat and just carried on the conversation normally. Same with my mother. I find in America though, everything has to come with The Talk, but I'm not really a fan of that. The whole circus of Coming Out with all the bells and whistles as it's done here just treats something that should be normal and unremarkable as if it were something pathological, when the whole point should be that being gay is not pathological.
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    May 01, 2013 12:04 AM GMT
    Coming out to a friend because you have a crush on him is seldom a good idea, even if he is gay but not ready to admit it, or not interested in you, and especially if he is straight. One of the biggest fears a lot of straight people have when a friend comes out is that they might have an agenda to come on to them, which you would just confirm.
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    May 01, 2013 12:54 AM GMT
    I would not make it a big issue, but build it into a conversation somewhere. You don't have to utter " I'm gay" to him, but maybe something in the vein of 'wow, hot guy over there'.
    That way it's clear you are not trying to come on to him, you are just telling him something about yourself.
    Ja and keep the crush to yourself, for now at least.
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    May 01, 2013 1:02 AM GMT
    hellass saidI say come out to him to first. Let him absorb that info before you do anything else. Don't say anything more. You might overwhelm him.

    And even if your friend is gay or not, it doesn't mean he'll like you back.

    +1