Favorite Jokes!! Lets Laugh a little

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    May 01, 2013 2:05 AM GMT
    Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
    at a party...

    After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

    Those who remained talked about their kids.

    The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
    He started working at a successful company at the bottom of
    the barrel.

    He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
    began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
    president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
    best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

    The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
    pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
    to flight school to become a pilot.

    Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
    owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
    best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

    The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
    best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
    own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...
    He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his
    best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
    'What are all the congratulations for?'

    One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel
    for the successes of our sons...

    What about your son?'

    The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
    dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

    The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a
    disappointment.'

    The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
    and I love him.

    And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
    ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line

    Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
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    May 01, 2013 2:58 AM GMT
    I LOL'ed
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    May 01, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    fuuny i love corny jokes
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    May 01, 2013 3:07 AM GMT
    Keeping it simple



    People hate on Texas, but it's not as bad as some other states, like Mississippi or Canada.icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 01, 2013 3:44 AM GMT
    "two gay guys are standing at a block when a gorgeous girl walks past them. One guy says 'it's times like this that makes me want to be a lesbian"



    from FG

    "Hi i'm Julia Roberts. You know a lot of people died during the tsunami, but don't worry. I DIDN'T and i'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many many years to come. ME.........ME......ME!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    May 01, 2013 3:47 AM GMT
    Lol that original joke was funny as hell.
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    May 01, 2013 3:52 AM GMT
    Agamemnon saidFour friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
    at a party...

    After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

    Those who remained talked about their kids.

    The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
    He started working at a successful company at the bottom of
    the barrel.

    He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
    began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
    president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
    best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

    The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
    pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
    to flight school to become a pilot.

    Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
    owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
    best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

    The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
    best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
    own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...
    He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his
    best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
    'What are all the congratulations for?'

    One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel
    for the successes of our sons...

    What about your son?'

    The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
    dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

    The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a
    disappointment.'

    The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
    and I love him.

    And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
    ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line

    Mercedes from his three boyfriends.


    sunjbill saidThree old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

    One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

    An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

    The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

    "So what's your problem?" asked the others.
    "I don't wake up until nine."



    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
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    May 01, 2013 4:00 AM GMT

    Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?

    A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

    Q: Why is Katie Holmes divorcing Tom Cruise?

    A: Apprently he's been in A Few Good Men.



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    May 01, 2013 5:39 PM GMT
    Snow in the forecast! The TV weather man said he was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

    An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ........ I'm going to have that.

    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
    asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
    He replied, "They had eggs."

    Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
    A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

    Guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "$500 prize for the best pet trick." He turns around and walks out.
    He comes back an hour later carrying a stick and walking with an alligator on a leash. He puts the gator up on a table and says "Open your mouth," hits it with the stick and the gator opens its mouth.
    The man unzips his pants, puts his dick in the gator's mouth, says "Close your mouth," and hits the gator with the stick.
    The gator closes its mouth, and he waits 5 minutes with his dick in the gator's mouth.
    Then he says "Open your mouth" and hits the gator on the head with the stick, so the gator opens its mouth. He removes his dick, puts it back in his pants and says loudly to everybody in the bar, "Do you any of you have the guts to try that?"
    It's quiet until one guy sitting at the bar raises his hand and says, "I will as long as you promise not to hit me with the stick."

    A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
    The lady can ' t take this any more,
    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig ' she retorted indignantly, “In this country, we don ' t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives”.
    "Hey, coola down lady ' said the man. “Who talkin ' abouta sex? I ' m a justa tellin ' my frienda how to spell, Mississippi ".
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    May 01, 2013 5:39 PM GMT
    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he
    > comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
    >
    > The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
    > is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
    >
    > He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
    > condition for 10 years.
    >
    > 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is
    > outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
    > the rain.'
    >
    > And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
    >
    > That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
    > Naturally, they take the bike there.
    >
    > But just before they enter the house,
    > Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family
    > before we go in.'
    >
    > 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
    > anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
    >
    > 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
    >
    > Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
    > of dirty dishes.
    >
    > In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
    > the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
    >
    > They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
    >
    > As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
    >
    > So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
    >
    > No one says a word.
    >
    > So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
    >
    > Still, nobody says a word.
    >
    > So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
    > and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
    > His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
    > mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
    >
    > He looks at her mom.
    >
    > 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
    > dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the
    > dinner table.
    >
    > Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
    > silence.
    >
    > All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
    >
    > Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
    >
    > Suddenly the father shouted....
    > ‘I'll do the f****** dishes’!!!
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    May 01, 2013 5:41 PM GMT
    Prince Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night
    Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

    Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.'

    Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.

    'Harder' yelled Camilla.

    'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

    'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.

    Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'



    In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

    Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' .
    At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
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    May 01, 2013 5:43 PM GMT
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    May 01, 2013 5:46 PM GMT
    My favourite today, right here on RJ!

    Colorado made civil unions legal, and....

    Dallasfan824 said, Wait, so weed was legal before civil unions?"

    yourmom replied, "Colorado was simply complying with biblical law. Leviticus 20:13 reads "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
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    May 01, 2013 5:55 PM GMT
    meninlove said My favourite today, right here on RJ!

    Colorado made civil unions legal, and....

    Dallasfan824 said, Wait, so weed was legal before civil unions?"

    yourmom replied, "Colorado was simply complying with biblical law. Leviticus 20:13 reads "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."


    LMsAO
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    May 01, 2013 10:17 PM GMT

    1.
    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

    The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

    "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

    "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a cardiologist on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

    "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

    "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

    Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

    The young man says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"

    The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

    The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

    The young man says, "I don't know about you, Father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Police are called to an apartment and find a woman, holding a bloody 5-iron, standing over a lifeless man.

    The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

    "Yes" says the woman.

    "Did you hit him with that golf club?"

    "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

    "How many times did you hit him?"

    "I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times -- just put me down for a five."
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

    Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

    As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

    The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

    She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

    He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

    2.
    An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
    The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
    "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
    Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
    "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
    The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
    The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
    Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......
    "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
    Moral of this story...
    Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
    Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
    If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
    Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
    You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

    3. Subject: Capital Idea....


    In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
    people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art
    of capital letters.

    For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of
    the following statement:

    "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
    off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

    Is everybody clear on that?