Thoughts on relationships and other late night ramblings...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2013 6:17 AM GMT
    Le sigh....

    You know I think I have the total opposite problem of many guys on here....and it may sound like I'm just being a total douche but here me out for a second...

    I see so many dudes complaining on here about not being able to find a man and whining about being alone forever. And to a certain extent, I feel their pain. But I have met many quality guys here and in DC. But is it wrong that I want to hold out till I find a guy that meets everything I want in my relationship check list?

    I already found him once, and posted about him on here last year. He died, which was something totally out of my control. It was shocking at the time, but it made me realize that I CAN find the man of my dreams. I'm a good guy believe it or not. No, I'm not perfect. I maybe an ass at times to some, but it's not who I am 100% of the time. I feel I have a lot to offer a man and I'm ready to be in a relationship.

    So I will wait until I meet a man who is "worthy" of me. Is this a wrong way to think? Or am in the right for holding out for the guy of my dreams?

    This is just me thinking out loud. And for those that think they will be alone for the rest of your life, you will if you keep thinking that way. I do believe the top of my dreams is out there somewhere. When I find him I'll know, till then I will just keep on truckin...icon_wink.gif
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    May 01, 2013 6:27 AM GMT
    So I will wait until I meet a man who is "worthy" of me. Is this a wrong way to think? Or am in the right for holding out for the guy of my dreams?

    When I read the bolded part, it sounded conceited and unrealistic. Whether or not it's the appropriate way to think is subjective but I believe you should wait for that one guy whom you can share your "worthiness" for each other; instead of having a worth that is one-sided.
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    May 01, 2013 6:32 AM GMT
    Erik101 saidSo I will wait until I meet a man who is "worthy" of me. Is this a wrong way to think? Or am in the right for holding out for the guy of my dreams?

    When I read the bolded part, it sounded conceited and unrealistic. Whether or not it's the appropriate way to think is subjective but I believe you should wait for that one guy whom you can share your "worthiness" for each other; instead of having a worth that is one-sided.


    But it won't be one-sided if the other guy rejects me? I guess I will have to pass his litmus test also, whatever it may be....icon_neutral.gif

    Again, I know it sounded a bit conceited. icon_neutral.gif What other word should I use?
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    May 01, 2013 6:43 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    Erik101 saidSo I will wait until I meet a man who is "worthy" of me. Is this a wrong way to think? Or am in the right for holding out for the guy of my dreams?

    When I read the bolded part, it sounded conceited and unrealistic. Whether or not it's the appropriate way to think is subjective but I believe you should wait for that one guy whom you can share your "worthiness" for each other; instead of having a worth that is one-sided.


    But it won't be one-sided if the other guy rejects me? I guess I will have to pass his litmus test also, whatever it may be....icon_neutral.gif

    Again, I know it sounded a bit conceited. icon_neutral.gif What other word should I use?


    But if a guy rejects you, then it was never meant to be. Aren't you talking about finding that one guy whom you will be in a relationship with? Meaning this is a guy who will want to get to know everything about you, can't stop thinking about you and in return, you'll feel the same way about him.

    I'm not sure of a word you can use but based on your original post, you mentioned that you are a good guy so that tells me you have tons of positive qualities about yourself. So....dig within that good guy soul of yours and find that word that best matches/describes you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2013 6:47 AM GMT
    Hmmmm...this is turning into a debate about semantics....

    I'm just trying to say, I don't want to settle down for the sake of being in a relationship.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 01, 2013 1:58 PM GMT
    most boring blog ever
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    May 01, 2013 2:44 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHmmmm...this is turning into a debate about semantics....

    I'm just trying to say, I don't want to settle down for the sake of being in a relationship.


    lol, that's a lot more accurate than your initial post.
    I agree with you, but I urge caution with criteria, as without flexibility you may miss one of best things in life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2013 3:03 PM GMT
    calibro saidmost boring blog ever

    It's the hat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2013 3:12 PM GMT
    calibro saidmost boring blog ever


    I know.

    Should I go back to being an ass and talking about my hat?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2013 3:13 PM GMT
    There's a balance. You don't want to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship, but if you wait until you can tick off every box on your list of criteria, you will be waiting a long, long time.

    I like Dan Savage's advice on this. "There is no 'the one'" and "Settling down is settling for."

    Keep getting to know guys you think are close enough to "the one" that you might be able to round them up. Sooner or later, one of them will stick. Don't be desperate, but also don't hold out for perfection. That's my best advice.

    PS, do you think you tick 100% of the boxes on many, if not any, guys' lists? Of course not. We all have imperfections, we have to allow for them in our partners as well.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 01, 2013 3:24 PM GMT
    I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You've dreamed up some fictional guy in your head and you're going to hold out for the day when he magically appears? And even more fairy-dust falls upon him to make you the guy he's been dreaming of? Guy, open yourself up for surprises. Let someone be great because he's nothing you could ever have thought up on your own. Put it this way, don't fall in love with any book because you didn't write it? Don't love any painting because you didn't paint it? Don't love any movie because you didn't write and direct it? But yet you think you this applies to other guys? Give yourself the permission to move on from the guy who died. He was great. Maybe your next guy won't be so great but you love him anyway. That's what it's about.
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    May 01, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    I think a better way to look at it is decide upon a list of general qualities you want in a relationship. For me, it's honesty, respect, intimacy, reciprocity and trust, alongside mutual interests and goals. You should also come up with a list of relationship dealbreakers. If a man can't meet those qualities and standards within your acceptable "wiggle-room" range, then I think it's totally acceptable to hold out untyou find one who does. Just give yourself a reality check once in a while. "Are these expectations reasonable? How would I feel about being asked to meet these standards?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2013 3:36 PM GMT
    I hear so many guys here talk about compromises. One thing meninlove once said that I find very proper is that the compromises shouldn't be something you find dreadful. They might even be a pleasure!

    Think about that perfect guy you mentioned. He certainly wasn't 100% perfect, he had some flaw here and there (whether it's something in his looks, personality, socioeconomic status, etc), but to you they were irrelevant because he had everything you needed, not to mention many things you wanted. Those flaws are things you can tolerate with ease. Use this experience to identify what are your wants and needs, as well as what you can tolerate. With this knowledge you will spot this guy who's perfect to you as soon as you meet him.

    So I am with you when you say you need someone perfect to you, because, from my own experience I know that the guy does not need to be perfect to be perfect to me.
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    May 01, 2013 3:46 PM GMT
    showme saidThere's a balance. You don't want to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship, but if you wait until you can tick off every box on your list of criteria, you will be waiting a long, long time.

    I like Dan Savage's advice on this. "There is no 'the one'" and "Settling down is settling for."

    Keep getting to know guys you think are close enough to "the one" that you might be able to round them up. Sooner or later, one of them will stick. Don't be desperate, but also don't hold out for perfection. That's my best advice.

    PS, do you think you tick 100% of the boxes on many, if not any, guys' lists? Of course not. We all have imperfections, we have to allow for them in our partners as well.


    t6Tc6.gif
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    May 01, 2013 7:27 PM GMT
    I think you will eventually find the man who rocks your world. There is nothing wrong with being patient. You are clearly trying to find him by process of elimination. icon_wink.gif

    Let's stop talking about "imperfections," which is judgmental, and start thinking in terms of "incompatibilities." There is no such thing as two people who are perfectly compatible. There will be things you don't like about him and things he doesn't like about you. They are not flaws; they are differences.

    Absolutely make a checklist of things you must have in a partner. That list should be short. He must be a top. He should believe in a higher power. These are just examples -- I don't know what your list includes. But everything on it should be a dealbreaker.

    It's when you start to nitpick that it becomes a problem. Is it really that important that he squeeze the toothpaste from the end? Get your own tube of toothpaste. Does it really matter that he doesn't like to jet-ski? Do that with your friends. If your list of dealbreakers is too long, it is not likely you will find someone who meets them all.

    Here's a personal example. I'm a generous person. I should be able to get along with a selfish person, right? Wrong. I can't stand that. I want my generosity to be appreciated and reciprocated. I can't compromise on that, or it will end up driving me crazy. It's a dealbreaker.

    You don't compromise on the things that matter. You compromise on the things that don't. The trick is to be able to recognize the difference.
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    May 01, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    t6Tc6.gif


    h0DDB69F6
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    May 01, 2013 7:40 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You've dreamed up some fictional guy in your head and you're going to hold out for the day when he magically appears? And even more fairy-dust falls upon him to make you the guy he's been dreaming of? Guy, open yourself up for surprises. Let someone be great because he's nothing you could ever have thought up on your own. Put it this way, don't fall in love with any book because you didn't write it? Don't love any painting because you didn't paint it? Don't love any movie because you didn't write and direct it? But yet you think you this applies to other guys? Give yourself the permission to move on from the guy who died. He was great. Maybe your next guy won't be so great but you love him anyway. That's what it's about.


    that's pretty much the problem a lot of guys have and i really don't understand either. they're selfish. they simply make a shitload of demands asking so much from someone from how someone is supposed to look (as if they can control that), think, act and the whole nine YET they're ready to shut down whoever without even giving them a chance. they let their fantasy control their reality. they literally have a checklist and fucking scratch off shit if someone doesn't meet them and their demands. they act as if someone is wrong with THAT person that they denied when it's really them being extra fickle and arrogant. it's a reoccuring theme with gay men in general especially the guys in their 20s and early 30s. "he has green eyes, i can't date him", "he doesn't wear nikes, i can't date him." "he doesn't like rock music, i can't date him". "he doesn't like to drink as much as i do, i can't date him". "he doesn't dress in the shirts that i want him to dress, think the way i want him to think and etc etc, i can't date him". "he's 6'1 so i can't date him. i only mess with guys that are 6'5 and up". it's a sorry ass selfish way of thinking. it's basically a guy being overbearing and controlling where he's trying to impose what he wants onto someone else as if they owe him that when they don't. on the same note, they are not willing to make amends as well if they need to in order to get somebody as well. they don't have SHIT to offer besides their body and presence as if that's anything special. icon_rolleyes.gif they want someone to revolve around them but for them to do the same thing for that person, they simply fold.

    the funny thing is what he mentioned in the beginning of what he wrote. he thinks he has no flaws or quirks that make him undesirable to someone else. with that said, how can he expect someone to like him for who he is when he doesn't treat other people the same way? it's one big mess. i can tell that he's one of those guys that doesn't think his shit stinks or can take criticism well. if there's one type of guy that is UNDATEABLE, it's a guy who is demanding and wants his way, ready to make a list of what a guy should have or be in order to date them when his ass ain't even perfect himself. guys like jmus got things twisted. the guys around him aren't the problem. it's him and his self centered, me me me way of thinking as if anybody is going to date someone who thinks like that.

    if you continue to think like that, you can't be surprised if you have nobody to date. it's simple.
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    May 02, 2013 5:29 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    Destinharbor saidI think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You've dreamed up some fictional guy in your head and you're going to hold out for the day when he magically appears? And even more fairy-dust falls upon him to make you the guy he's been dreaming of? Guy, open yourself up for surprises. Let someone be great because he's nothing you could ever have thought up on your own. Put it this way, don't fall in love with any book because you didn't write it? Don't love any painting because you didn't paint it? Don't love any movie because you didn't write and direct it? But yet you think you this applies to other guys? Give yourself the permission to move on from the guy who died. He was great. Maybe your next guy won't be so great but you love him anyway. That's what it's about.


    that's pretty much the problem a lot of guys have and i really don't understand either. they're selfish. they simply make a shitload of demands asking so much from someone from how someone is supposed to look (as if they can control that), think, act and the whole nine YET they're ready to shut down whoever without even giving them a chance. they let their fantasy control their reality. they literally have a checklist and fucking scratch off shit if someone doesn't meet them and their demands. they act as if someone is wrong with THAT person that they denied when it's really them being extra fickle and arrogant. it's a reoccuring theme with gay men in general especially the guys in their 20s and early 30s. "he has green eyes, i can't date him", "he doesn't wear nikes, i can't date him." "he doesn't like rock music, i can't date him". "he doesn't like to drink as much as i do, i can't date him". "he doesn't dress in the shirts that i want him to dress, think the way i want him to think and etc etc, i can't date him". "he's 6'1 so i can't date him. i only mess with guys that are 6'5 and up". it's a sorry ass selfish way of thinking. it's basically a guy being overbearing and controlling where he's trying to impose what he wants onto someone else as if they owe him that when they don't. on the same note, they are not willing to make amends as well if they need to in order to get somebody as well. they don't have SHIT to offer besides their body and presence as if that's anything special. icon_rolleyes.gif they want someone to revolve around them but for them to do the same thing for that person, they simply fold.

    the funny thing is what he mentioned in the beginning of what he wrote. he thinks he has no flaws or quirks that make him undesirable to someone else. with that said, how can he expect someone to like him for who he is when he doesn't treat other people the same way? it's one big mess. i can tell that he's one of those guys that doesn't think his shit stinks or can take criticism well. if there's one type of guy that is UNDATEABLE, it's a guy who is demanding and wants his way, ready to make a list of what a guy should have or be in order to date them when his ass ain't even perfect himself. guys like jmus got things twisted. the guys around him aren't the problem. it's him and his self centered, me me me way of thinking as if anybody is going to date someone who thinks like that.

    if you continue to think like that, you can't be surprised if you have nobody to date. it's simple.


    Gee, pazzy. Buy yourself a sense of humor. I was just being sarcastic with the "I'm Flawless" comment. I've stated many times that any threads having to do with my appearance are troll threads. You clearly choose to ignore those and interpret it any which way you cam. You really have a lot of growing up to do.

    And no offense, but you are the last person I will be ever taking advice from. Especially concerns of the heart. Didn't you say you have never even kissed a guy, much less have any romantic relationship with someone?

    I said I would lay off you, but if you insist of keeping this battle going, by all means feel free to continue to do so. You are the one who is already looking like an ass. I know who I am and what I stand for. You are a lost little boy with a chip on his shoulder.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2013 5:34 AM GMT
    Why would you settle for anything less than what you know you deserve? No one on here knows who you really are, what you've been through, or what you have accomplished on your own.

    It's very easy for people to present a persona online, but in person they can be completely different, and that's fine.

    I think people should only be in a serious relationship with someone they truly see themselves with in the future, otherwise, what's the point?
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    May 02, 2013 5:40 AM GMT
    tanbod saidWhy would you settle for anything less than what you know you deserve? No one on here knows who you really are, what you've been through, or what you have accomplished on your own.

    It's very easy for people to present a persona online, but in person they can be completely different, and that's fine.

    I think people should only be in a serious relationship with someone they truly see themselves with in the future, otherwise, what's the point?


    I agree. I have never really seen the point of dating multiple guys at one time. I would always feel like I'm on a reality show competing against someone.

    If I find a guy who I like, I want to be in a relationship for the long run. I see so many friends of mine rush into relationships only to break up 2 months later. They rinse, wash, and repeat over and over. I can do nothing but roll my eyes.icon_rolleyes.gif

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    May 02, 2013 5:44 AM GMT
    Yep, I've done the short-term relationship thing once, really no point. It's just a fancy way of saying "yeah we're hooking up on the reg, I never hookup with random guys that's gross" yet people like this go into three relationships per year...
    If you've been in that position before you should be MORE picky from then on, you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, not repeat them until you hit a home run.
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    May 02, 2013 5:45 AM GMT
    shortbutsweet saidI think you will eventually find the man who rocks your world. There is nothing wrong with being patient. You are clearly trying to find him by process of elimination. icon_wink.gif

    Let's stop talking about "imperfections," which is judgmental, and start thinking in terms of "incompatibilities." There is no such thing as two people who are perfectly compatible. There will be things you don't like about him and things he doesn't like about you. They are not flaws; they are differences.

    Absolutely make a checklist of things you must have in a partner. That list should be short. He must be a top. He should believe in a higher power. These are just examples -- I don't know what your list includes. But everything on it should be a dealbreaker.

    It's when you start to nitpick that it becomes a problem. Is it really that important that he squeeze the toothpaste from the end? Get your own tube of toothpaste. Does it really matter that he doesn't like to jet-ski? Do that with your friends. If your list of dealbreakers is too long, it is not likely you will find someone who meets them all.

    Here's a personal example. I'm a generous person. I should be able to get along with a selfish person, right? Wrong. I can't stand that. I want my generosity to be appreciated and reciprocated. I can't compromise on that, or it will end up driving me crazy. It's a dealbreaker.

    You don't compromise on the things that matter. You compromise on the things that don't. The trick is to be able to recognize the difference.


    I agree with most of what you said. I'm not looking for the perfect man, just one perfect for me. I don't want to have to mold or change a guy into becoming something he's not.

    Let's say I meet the man of my dreams, but find out he's a cock hungry power bottom. I will not force him to become a mean power top for my sakes. He just won't be the man of my dreams no longer. I want him to naturally be a top, that way I won't have to comprise his (and my) values in the process. Get what I'm saying?

    I think I may have given the wrong impression in that I want to sort of create my dream man from some random dude. Or that I think I'm better than everyone. That's not what I want or who I am.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    May 02, 2013 6:04 AM GMT
    pazzy saidthey literally have a checklist and fucking scratch off shit if someone doesn't meet them and their demands. they act as if someone is wrong with THAT person that they denied when it's really them being extra fickle and arrogant. it's a reoccuring theme with gay men in general especially the guys in their 20s and early 30s. "he has green eyes, i can't date him", "he doesn't wear nikes, i can't date him." "he doesn't like rock music, i can't date him". "he doesn't like to drink as much as i do, i can't date him". "he doesn't dress in the shirts that i want him to dress, think the way i want him to think and etc etc, i can't date him". "he's 6'1 so i can't date him. i only mess with guys that are 6'5 and up". it's a sorry ass selfish way of thinking.


    Preach.

    I just had a conversation tonight has been seeing this dude who was attractive, ambitious, smart etc.

    Me: "How'd the date go?"
    B: "It was good, we hooked up...but I'm not going to see him again."
    Me: "What? Why not? We really liked him, no?"
    B: "Yeah, but he didn't tell me he wore contacts."
    *pause*
    B: "Hello, you still there?"
    Me: "Yeah, I gotta go. Peace out man."

    Seriously. And this Sunday Funday I'll have to listen to him bitch and whine about how he can't find a boyfriend. Blinders!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2013 6:06 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    pazzy saidthey literally have a checklist and fucking scratch off shit if someone doesn't meet them and their demands. they act as if someone is wrong with THAT person that they denied when it's really them being extra fickle and arrogant. it's a reoccuring theme with gay men in general especially the guys in their 20s and early 30s. "he has green eyes, i can't date him", "he doesn't wear nikes, i can't date him." "he doesn't like rock music, i can't date him". "he doesn't like to drink as much as i do, i can't date him". "he doesn't dress in the shirts that i want him to dress, think the way i want him to think and etc etc, i can't date him". "he's 6'1 so i can't date him. i only mess with guys that are 6'5 and up". it's a sorry ass selfish way of thinking.


    Preach.

    I just had a conversation tonight with a friend who went on a few dates with a dude who was great, attractive, ambitious, smart etc.

    Me: "How'd the date go?"
    B: "It was good, we hooked up, but I'm not going to see him again."
    Me: "What? Why not? We really liked him."
    B: "Yeah, but he didn't tell me he wore contacts."
    *pause*
    B: "Hello, you still there?"
    Me: "Yeah, I gotta go. Peace out man."

    Seriously. And this Sunday Funday I'll have to listen to him bitch and whine about how he can't find a boyfriend. Blinders!


    I can guarantee you I will not dump a guy for a trivial thing like wearing contacts. icon_neutral.gif
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    May 02, 2013 6:09 AM GMT
    tanbod saidYep, I've done the short-term relationship thing once, really no point. It's just a fancy way of saying "yeah we're hooking up on the reg, I never hookup with random guys that's gross" yet people like this go into three relationships per year...
    If you've been in that position before you should be MORE picky from then on, you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, not repeat them until you hit a home run.


    How do you know you're in a short-term relationship until it ends?